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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DH's visiting neice (IANBU btw but am looking for an argument and suspect I'll get one here)

149 replies

bran · 07/07/2010 10:43

I need to VENT because DH thinks he's done nothing wrong and I'm "making a fuss".

When we were visiting DH's family at Christmas his sister told us that her daughter, who is a medical student, had been offered a placement in a London hospital for 8 weeks. The family are very old-fashioned and protective of their daughters and weren't prepared to let her travel and live in hospital accommodation on her own because "something terrible" would be bound to happen.

At the time I pointed out to DH that we don't have a bedroom, or even a bed, for her and it would be unpleasant for everyone if she slept on the sofa for 8 weeks (I didn't say this in front of his neice obviously). He told me not to worry, he would sort it all out and it wouldn't have any impact on me. He was planning to take a short term let on a flat nearby, or possibly find a house share for her (no men in houseshare or her parents would be furious).

She arrives TOMORROW and despite reminders from me (he told me off for "nagging") all that he has done is to put up a notice (8 days ago) in the resident's lounge of our development saying that he is looking for somewhere and giving a contact number. As he left this morning he said he might contact a few estate agents today if he has time.

I don't want another person in the flat. I like a bit of personal space and if my neice is here I will end up lurking in my bedroom every evening after the DC are in bed. I don't want to have to cook a proper dinner every evening on top of what I cook for the DC. I don't want her reporting back about our lifestyle to my hyper-critical SIL (for instance I don't go to church or say grace before meals).

I feel I've been backed into a corner. DH promised he would sort it out, but he hasn't because it's no skin off his nose to have her here (he's not usually home until quite late during the week). I expect his neice won't be too happy with the arrangement either.

OP posts:
potplant · 07/07/2010 11:10

You need to take control here as otherwise one night will turn into a week, which will be 2 weeks and before you know it it will almost time for her to leave so not worth her moving out.

YANBU to be pissed off that he didn't sort something out, BUT stop being pissed off about it and sort it out.

pumperspumpkin · 07/07/2010 11:11

What is happening at weekends, because I think the first weekend DH is around the house and so too is his niece camping out on the sofa, I reckon he'll sort it out. YANBU but I would make no efforts to sort it yourself - he said he would, leave it to him. But make no extra effort re meals etc. Let her report back to your SIL if she wants, you don't care - you don't like her anyway so she probably doesn't care much for you and no effort on your part will change that so why try?

megapixels · 07/07/2010 11:12

Why are people calling the SIL a nutter??

YANBU to be annoyed. Your dh should have sorted it out, he probably didn't because her staying isn't going to affect him much. Is the neice difficult to get on with? I'd bite my lip and let her stay, but make good use of her. Take care of the kids while you go on a shopping trip, help with cooking the dinner, hoover the place etc. She might even politely insist that she doesn't want to impose anymore .

anyabanya · 07/07/2010 11:13

YANBU, and I feel your pain because my DH pulls this sort of shit all the time too. He will do something, does not want me to do it, I trust him to follow through and nothing. And I get the 'don't nag' too.

Would the 'stays for two nights while she sorts it herself' approach work? I mean, the girl needs to learn independence.

OrientCalf · 07/07/2010 11:15

what about a convent hostel in London? lots of Spanish and German girls stay in them and they are quite strict about no men

(though personally I think she should be sorting it out herself)

GetOrfMoiLand · 07/07/2010 11:16

Oh for god's sake.

I would not want her there - why the hell can't she go into hospital accomodation.

Plus having someone report back re saying grace?

Bran - they sound like a right pain in teh arse, all of them.

I would move out for 6 weeks.

Original poster
bran · 07/07/2010 11:19

She's actually about 21 (I think). I don't really have a problem with my neice and it's really none of my business how she has been brought up. She would never lie to her parents though. She won't ever be independent of her family in the European sense of living your own life and forming your own values even if they are different from your parent's. They are a fairly traditional Indian family, and she is happy with that. I guess once she's qualified and has had a few years work experience her parents will arrange a marriage for her.

Had DH not said that he would sort out accommodation for her, she wouldn't have been allowed to come to London at all. Only the top students in her year were offered the opportunity to go to foreign hospitals, the rest will be doing placements in Malaysian hospitals.

OP posts:
anyabanya · 07/07/2010 11:19

Mind you you could make up some seriously subversive spoof grace's. [pot stirring emoticon].

anyabanya · 07/07/2010 11:20

Oh, misplaced apostrophe

compo · 07/07/2010 11:23

Aha your latest post brings more clarity to the situation
so does her family know that dh was planning on booking her somewhere else or do they still think she'll be spending the 8 weeks with you?

TrillianAstra · 07/07/2010 11:25

I thought it might be a cultural thing (the 'no living anywhere that boys might see you' part) but then you said that you would be judged for not saying grace before meals and so I flipped back to guessing Christian (and unnecessarily strict).

gagamama · 07/07/2010 11:25

YANBU at all! Two adults - your DH and your neice - have had 7 MONTHS to secure 8 weeks' accomodation! I would be furious too. I'd be on Gumtree immediately and presenting him with a list of numbers to call. I assume it's too late to take advantage of the hospital accomodation now, but it strikes me as very odd that an 18 year old medical student shouldn't live where she jolly well chooses!

megapixels · 07/07/2010 11:29

Your dh is to blame. He cannot look out for his neice in the way that his family expects him to as you don't want her in your house and he is too busy (or cba) to organise anything. He should have just said that he wouldn't be able to help. I feel sorry for the poor girl and her parents, I would be horrified if my daughter, even at 21, was asked to sort out her own accomodation by her own uncle and aunt after trusting them to help her.

NoobyNoo · 07/07/2010 11:31

YANBU!!! I would book her into the hospital accommodation ASAP and tell your DH that if he or his family don't like it then sort it out himself/themselves.

7 months to sort it out FFS!

bourboncreme · 07/07/2010 11:40

How on earth is she going to practice as a Doctor if this is her parents attitude,is she an adult,when on call she will have to stay in the hospital in oncall accomodation and that accomodation will almoast certainly be mixed ,i.e.on call flat with both male and female in flat .

One consolation is that she will probably be at the hospital for long hours and you won't have to see her that much but 8 weeks is very long to be on your Sofa,can the hospital not provide accomodation for her

Cretaceous · 07/07/2010 11:43

Poor poor girl - she shouldn't have the sofa. She'll be exhausted with her placement . Give her your bed. Your DH can sleep on the sofa, and you could go away for the weekend. I'm sure he'll sort out the accommodation pdq then...

Original poster
bran · 07/07/2010 11:49

They knew that he would be finding somewhere else as he told them that when we saw them at Christmas. He told them it would be very close by to us, probably in the same development, and it would be no problem for him to find somewhere.

SIL and BIL were not all that keen to let her come at all but MIL was pressuring them to allow it. She is MIL's favourite grandchild and MIL always wants the best opportunities for her.

ifiwereamillionaire - DH will be paying for her accommodation, he'll do anything to make his mum happy. DH is also paying part of her university fees at MIL's behest. BIL wanted to send her to India to do medicine because it's cheap, but MIL felt the degree wouldn't be as good as one from Malaysia and 'encouraged' DH to offer to pay the difference in the fees. Actually MIL really wanted his neice to go to a western country to study (pref Australia or UK) but SIL and BIL wouldn't consider it at all because the lax morals might influence their DD.

Oh the stories I could tell about SIL, for instance the time she (in all seriousness) asked me how the churches were planning to tackle the dreadful witch problem that we had in the UK.

OP posts:
GetOrfMoiLand · 07/07/2010 12:12

Your latest posts put more of a lihgt on the story - had no idea she was coming from malaysia (may have missed that in earlier posts - apols if so) and thought she was a standard british student coming up to London from a UK universiity.

Understand more about her parents not wanting her to stay in hospital accomodation.

Your DH obviously just would prefer her to stay on teh sofa, which I imagine is what will happen to be honest. What a pain in the neck.

I suppose you will just have to make the best of a bad job.
If you could afford it could you go away fro a couple of weeks?

Original poster
bran · 07/07/2010 12:15

TrillianAstra - yes, very strict Christians. The rest of DH's family are Anglican, and while they are all fairly devout they are also very accepting of other beliefs and cultures. SIL and BIL belong to some very fundamentalist church, they don't believe in evolution, they believe the devil is active in the world and everyone who isn't Christian is knowingly or unknowingly working on behalf of the devil. My neice is quite tactful though and unless directly questioned by SIL I doubt she will mention anything too bad about how we live.

Their beliefs aren't really all that relevent except in how it limits where neice can live, they're not all that 'odd' except that they are living with a set of beliefs that wildly differ from my own. If you accept their rules as the true word of God then their behaviour is completely reasonable and responsible parenting. They are otherwise kind and sociable and reasonably good company if the conversation stays on neutral topics. If they start talking about anything vaguely religious I find that my end of the conversation consists mostly of a non-committal 'Mmm'.

OP posts:
Original poster
bran · 07/07/2010 12:16

This is an AIBU by stealth GOML, in the finest tradition of MN.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 07/07/2010 12:20

I think booking yourself into the Hilton for a week is the way to go - can I come too just for the odd evening?

TrillianAstra · 07/07/2010 12:24

If you are in London there should be tonnes of female-only flatshares about the place, even at short notice. If it's during the summer then maybe universities are renting out their student accommodation cheaply.

No guarantee even in a girls-only flat that they might not bring boys back. Your DH could try googling for local churches, for 'Christian flatshare' or similar.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 07/07/2010 12:31

Oh FFS bran, YABVVVVVU!

The poor girl is coming halfway across the world, I know your DH said he'd sort it out, but to be honest with her upbringing she's probably scared to death of a flat with strangers. The best way to keep an eye on her and make sure she's okay is to let her stay with you. She's probably more comfortable with that too, and I bet your DH knows that really (since it's his family and his culture) and you're the only one making a fuss.

It's not for very long. She's a nice quiet girl. Your children will love having someone new to play with and she'll help out around the house and you can take advantage of the babysitting (when she's not too worn out from placement).

Get over yourself and make the poor girl feel welcome.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 07/07/2010 12:31

How did I do?

jessiealbright · 07/07/2010 12:42

Oh dear. Oh dear. Tell your husband that if your niece makes a mistake during her placement, due to sleep deprivation, it will be partially his fault. That might get him moving.

The sofa seriously can't be relied upon. What hours might she be working? She could be working nights, and want to sleep during the day, for example, which would mean no-one using the living room during the day. I'm told they're very hard on medical students, in terms of hours.