About DH's visiting neice (IANBU btw but am looking for an argument and suspect I'll get one here)

[bran]

I need to VENT because DH thinks he's done nothing wrong and I'm "making a fuss".

When we were visiting DH's family at Christmas his sister told us that her daughter, who is a medical student, had been offered a placement in a London hospital for 8 weeks. The family are very old-fashioned and protective of their daughters and weren't prepared to let her travel and live in hospital accommodation on her own because "something terrible" would be bound to happen.

At the time I pointed out to DH that we don't have a bedroom, or even a bed, for her and it would be unpleasant for everyone if she slept on the sofa for 8 weeks (I didn't say this in front of his neice obviously). He told me not to worry, he would sort it all out and it wouldn't have any impact on me. He was planning to take a short term let on a flat nearby, or possibly find a house share for her (no men in houseshare or her parents would be furious).

She arrives TOMORROW and despite reminders from me (he told me off for "nagging") all that he has done is to put up a notice (8 days ago) in the resident's lounge of our development saying that he is looking for somewhere and giving a contact number. As he left this morning he said he might contact a few estate agents today if he has time.

I don't want another person in the flat. I like a bit of personal space and if my neice is here I will end up lurking in my bedroom every evening after the DC are in bed. I don't want to have to cook a proper dinner every evening on top of what I cook for the DC. I don't want her reporting back about our lifestyle to my hyper-critical SIL (for instance I don't go to church or say grace before meals).

I feel I've been backed into a corner. DH promised he would sort it out, but he hasn't because it's no skin off his nose to have her here (he's not usually home until quite late during the week). I expect his neice won't be too happy with the arrangement either.

I am goping to do a complete about turn - I think she would feel very uncomfortable about staying in someone else's house. Your DH probably would worry about SIL and MIL reaction if he put her in digs anyway, hence why he has not bothered to find her somewhere else.

PERHAPS your DH has been talking to MIL behind your back and promised to let niece stay in your house but not told you yet (MN standard - MIL tension and sneaky husbands

I do think if you have 3 bedrooms you shoudl actually give one of them up for her and not let her kip on the sofa. Could teh 2 year old not sleep in with you and DP, and niece have that room? Is not the end of the world to share a bed with a toddler for a few weeks.

"I think she would feel very uncomfortable about staying in someone else's house" - by that I mean digs. In other words she should stay with you

GOML, what DH offered (and as far as I know what she is still expecting to happen) is that he would find either a flat near us for her to stay in on her own or a houseshare/family stay with the 'right' sort of people. There was never any suggestion that she would stay with us, so she does know that there was a possiblity that she would be living with strangers. However (in theory) they would be strangers who had been thorougly vetted by DH first. So not party animals, drinkers, smokers, wrong religion, male or otherwise likely to corrupt her.

If we have DD in with us and she uses DD's room we would still have to sort out an extra bed from somewhere as DD sleeps in a toddler bed.

Well of course YANBU to be annoyed that your husband hasn´t organised this as he said he would.

That said, what an opportunity for the girl & no your husband said that she could stay with you if necessary.

Heavens, if I was in London, I´d have her!

I agree - I think you must be pissed off as everything is arranged behind your back. Not nieces fault but it's not great for you being strung alone by dh.

That's extended families for you I'm afraid. I remember my uncles wife having to put me up for entire holidays in the past - she was great about it all things given and I'm ashamed to say that I'm all for the nuclear family and really don't like hosting people if I feel they are dependent and adult if I'm not consulted about my views.

sorry, that should have been "no wonder your husband.."

Oh - well could dd come in with you, ds have the toddler bed, and niece go in ds's room.

Oh bloody hell what a pain in the arse!

Stick DP in the toddler bed!

at GOML. I do agree that if anybody has to have an uncomfortable night's sleep it ought to be DH.

So BRAN I think this is how it will work: you share with oldest child in your room, youngest child goes into oldest childs room, niece goes into youngest room and DH has sofa!

Niece gets some space which she will need and she will probably go to bed early & pray or something.

You don't have to lurk in your bedroom but can occupy your home fully, and DH gets to feel the consequence of his lack of action/responsibility.

All sorted then?

Youngest child has a toddler bed, but otherwise that plan might work.

DS and I get the master bedroom, DD stays where she is, DN goes in DS's room and DH sleeps on the sofa. Although DS is a pain to share a bed with, it would still be marginally better than the sofa. I like to sleep in my own space and DS likes to snuggle up against the other person if he's not on his own. The few times I've shared a bed with him we both moved so much in our sleep that I woke in the middle of the night almost falling out of my side of the bed, got out of bed and climbed back in the other side.

Definitely put DH on the sofa until he sorts it out.

Have you had a good yell at him yet? Preferably not in earshot of the niece, it'd just make her feel awkward.

Also I wouldn't be so quick to assume that she'll never be independent, her parents sound similar to mine in some ways and I got over their ideologies in the end. I spent a while genuinely believing it, a while longer going along with it, and then moved across the country as soon as the opportunity arose!

Definitely either print out the contents of your earlier posts and show to DH though, or just relay the issues to him VERY clearly. If he promised then he shouldn't be assing about now not getting it done!

DS in DDs room.
DD in with you
Dh can f£&@ off somewhere.

No, don't let dh fuck off, then he gets a nice stay in a hotel with no kids to put to bed or supervise with potty training. bran should fuck off to a hotel and see how dh likes it coping on his own!

Ummm - she's not staying in some crappy anywhere. Where did I say that she was? She is clearly staying here until DH finds somewhere decent for her as he promised to.

I don't know whether she would prefer to be with family or not, but she is expecting to stay near us, not with us, as that is what DH agreed with her parents.

I'm not being in the slightest bit mean - to her. I will, of course, get progressively meaner to DH as the days pass until he does what he promised to do.

Well said edam.

Well, I am sure he has worked out that whatever the arrangement there can be no nookie while dn is staying?

"I think if my sister refused to have my DS for 8 weeks, I would probably never speak toher again" - mjinhiding, this is probably just a difference in culture, but you sound rather petty! Being disappointed is one thing, but never speaking again?

a mj. The thing is that her family aren't expecting us to put her up. They're expecting DH to do what he said he would, which is find an appropriate place for her to stay. I don't think her parents would mind if she stayed with us, but they weren't offended when DH suggested that she stay nearby, just worried about possible influences. And bizarrely worried about her travelling on the tube even though she uses public transport in Malaysia.

Well it reads to me as if lack of space is the problem more than unwillingness by the OP to have her niece.

But I also wonder why OP hasn´t looked into places for her niece.