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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

nursery for babies

326 replies

clarinetplayer · 06/07/2010 10:05

to tell my sister that she will miss out on many of the most important milestones in her baby's life if she sends her aged six months to nursery 5 days a week from 8am until 6pm. This is longer than a school day. My sister got very offended when I suggested that being looked after as part of a cohort of 8 babies by three carers was not ideal for her seven month old daughter. She doesn't need to work full time but loves her job and is worried that if she goes pt she'll miss out on promotion. Is it unreasonable to think that now she's a mum she should put her daughter's needs first?

OP posts:
blueshoes · 06/07/2010 23:17

IHeart, " She may regret it one day (like when her children put her in a nursing home as revenge )."

You'd like that, wouldn't you. Because your children would Never do that to You.

Confuzled · 07/07/2010 03:08

As long as she doesn't beat them, starve them, sneer at them, send them up chimneys/put them on reality TV or leave them in the care of a 14 year old crack whore, how she parents is none of your beezwax. None of us has a direct line to God on the subject.

Even Oliver James says high quality childcare is better than a depressed and frustrated mother, longing for professional fulfilment/the avoidance of bankruptcy. 3 for 8 is a high ratio and will not come cheap, and she has presumably carefully researched her options and decided it's for the best. As long as a child feels cherished and loved (and some nurseries are very loving and affectionate IME) and gets individual attention from familiar faces in a nice and appropriate setting, I can't see any huge issue. In fact I think this must be a difficult decision for your sis, one she's thought long and hard over, and she needs you to support, not second-guess, her.

Having said that, can in-paid-employment mothers please stop slamming those of us who stay at home, too? It's a big and varied world, we're all doing our best, and until we're all sure they haven't turned into serial killers none of us is in a position to be smug.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 07/07/2010 03:43

This again?

Does your children's father work fulltime, OP?

SonicMiddleAge · 07/07/2010 05:06

8-3 is very good - esp as in a baby room probably 2 babies will be sleeping at any given time, leaving a ratio of 2 babes to one adult, which um is what second borns have all the time! And like everyone else says butt out, particularly with the "all the important milestones" malarkey. Her daughter's need will be met fine, and frankly as a first time parent with very little to no experiance with babies, our nursery were an invaluable source of support and help - as qualified staff with early childhood training they were able to pick up some developmental stuff we might have missed and steer us in the right direction for support.

My worry is not actually for the baby at all - it's for your sister - I went back 4 days at 12 weeks, and I was knackered, and really needed one day a week at home, and that was with supportive family and husband, not smug bitchy clarinet riffs.

izzybiz · 07/07/2010 06:25

YANBU- I agree with you.

I honestly think when you make a decision to have a child their needs then come first.

To people who say "I couldn't possibly cope with being at home all day", "Im not that keen on young babies", "why should I miss out on important carrer moves just because I've had a child?"

Im sorry I do think they are selfish attitudes to have, I am a SAHM yes, luckily I can be, my Dh can earn far more than me so he works, if it were the other way round then I would and he'd SAH. I am not jealous of working mums in any way!

I just personally feel that my children need a parent at home, when they are hurt, when they are sick, when they are just feeling a bit overwhelmed by life.

That is my job.

WidowWadman · 07/07/2010 06:41

Do you ever consider that children might be happy in nursery and get bored at home?

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 07/07/2010 06:50

All children have a parent at home when they're sick or hurt, don't they? Unless you know of magical nurseries that will take sick and injured children.

izzybiz · 07/07/2010 07:10

Do they?

I personally know of someone who will still work while her child is off nursery sick, he justt gets sent to a family member instead

sunny2010 · 07/07/2010 07:32

I am with my daughter 24/7 as I work at her nursery but if I didnt I would work somewhere else and put her in nursery a few days.

I think its so much more fun for them and I get to see them running around in the garden, screaming with laughter, with mud all over their faces in the sun, building dens, painting all day if they want and it doesnt matter how much mess they make etc. It sure beats being dragged around the shops in buggies like most mums I see about are doing. I know for a fact i couldnt have provided the wide range of experiences nursery does at home. It would be near impossible as they do so much in a day.

There is nothing wrong with nurseies imo I think they are brilliant and in a few months the baby will be walking/crawling and be having a great time.

IHeartJohnLewis · 07/07/2010 09:54

What about in winter, sunny? Are they running around with mud on their faces at 5pm in December?

And what's wrong with children learning from real life, rather than from some artificial child-centred environment? My son learnt to read by walking to the shops with me when he was a toddler. My daughter will do counting with me today in Tesco. She'll also be talked to by shop assistants, post office ladies, and anyone else we bump into. That's an experience in itself, and it's arguably more valuable than being in a nursery.

blueshoes: my children will put me in a nursing home for being an old bag. So will yours, if your comment to me is anything to go by.

melikalikimaka · 07/07/2010 09:58

Probably wouldn't make it that obvious, sisters are strange beings! But I'm sure in time she will realise, maybe she is missing out on some of the milestones, but that is her choice and her life.

katiestar · 07/07/2010 10:06

YANBU-It will come back to bite her on the bottom! Nearly every badly behaved child I have come across at school has done long nursery hours
Also very sad to think that your sister won't make a bit of a sacrifice for her baby It doesn't bode well for her does it?
(You will get a lot of negative responses on here because it will touch a raw nerve with many)
She would be much better finding a CM who could at least provide a home environment.

LadyBiscuit · 07/07/2010 10:20

katiestar - my DS is beautifully behaved - extremely well-mannered, very affectionate and well-adjusted.

It doesn't 'touch a raw nerve' actually - I just think it's a bit sad that some of you feel so insecure about your own choices that you need to criticise others for doing things differently.

MeandMyKid · 07/07/2010 10:23

YANBU

To many people see children as trophies and are so selfish that they do what they want at the expense of their children's wellbeing. What exactly did she have a child for so someone else can look after it? It would be different if she was p/t or she HAD to work because of finances.

PaulineCampbellJones · 07/07/2010 10:28

Hear hear LadyBiscuit
Everyone makes their own choice. It's difficult enough being a parent without being criticised for being a working or a SAHM or whether you use a nursery or a CM.
I know children who haven't been to nursery or a CM having horrendous problems adjusting to school life and those who have been at nursery having issues as well.
Surely the key to a well adjusted child is in part happy well adjusted parents?

Lizcat · 07/07/2010 10:28

We all make our own decisions for our own reasons. Even if other peoples decisions are not what we would do we should support them it's hard enough being any kind of mum.

illgetyoubutler · 07/07/2010 10:40

YADNBU.
But seeing as you have aired your opinions now on this issue, just leave it be, and bite your tongue from now on. Saying anything else will only bring about problems betweens yourselves I'd imagine.
I agree with you though OP.

aquavit · 07/07/2010 10:41

lol at children as trophies

fgs

what an absurd conclusion to draw from the OP

OP, I guess your concerns are well meant but I think that your sister's baby will be just fine, and how brilliant for your sister if she gets to do a job she loves and have her baby cared for in an environment she is happy with. Try to be happy for her?

LadyBiscuit · 07/07/2010 10:42

I love the fact that you all think you're so much better at looking after babies than the pros

sunny2010 · 07/07/2010 10:42

Iheartjohnlewis - Yes they go out all year round in waterproofs and wellies. We take them to the post office, supermarket, library, garden centre etc etc. Most nurseries do that to along with all 6 areas of learning of the EYFS. Messy play, painting, building dens, going out on trips, being outdoors in large grassy areas rolling down the banks and just being kids etc.

There is no stopping to watch your mum do the housework etc its just fun all day imo. If you have a really good nursery I think there is nothing better and I have no axe to grind against SAHMS as I am in the same nursery room as my daughter and I personally having done both think there is nothing better than nurseries for the experiences they get. Each to their own though.

illgetyoubutler · 07/07/2010 10:50

Ladybiscuit - eh?
You think a stranger will have my childrens best intrests at heart more than I do?
You think a stranger will do more for my children than I ever can as their mother?
I AM better at looking after MY own 2 babies than anyone else, even the 'pros'.

sunny2010 · 07/07/2010 10:54

agreed paulinecampbelljones. I dont know why everyone makes a big fuss about childcare/no childcare the biggest cause of unhappy children is insecure families in my experience which is why we have SureStart. I believe if the parents are happy, secure and loving then the rest will follow.

MeandMyKid · 07/07/2010 10:55

Ladybiscuit, most of the girls, and I say girls because they are usually between 16-18 that look after kids do not have children so really do not have the same standards of care or empathy. Although they do a good job they are generally some of the lowest educated group of workers so why would you want to send your kids to them from 8am-6pm unless it was absolutely necessary.

LadyBiscuit · 07/07/2010 10:56

Strangers? They aren't strangers - they're my DS's carers.

Look, not all of us are cut out to be home with small children all day long. I adore my DS but I fully admit I'm not the best at spending 24/7 on my own with babies and small children. I can't bear the vacuous conversations I have to have at toddler groups and loathe hanging around swings. It's boring.

My DS's carers are better at all that stuff than I am and I have no problem whatsoever in admitting that. Children are very small for a very short period of time - there is a hell of a lot more to being a good parent than comparing your child's progress against others in playgroup

sunny2010 · 07/07/2010 10:56

meandmykid - You obviously only no poor quality nurseries then. I have a 2:1 degree in Early Childhood Studies as due many of my colleagues. Childcare has changed a lot and you do not seem very educated with how the childcare industry is today.