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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

nursery for babies

326 replies

clarinetplayer · 06/07/2010 10:05

to tell my sister that she will miss out on many of the most important milestones in her baby's life if she sends her aged six months to nursery 5 days a week from 8am until 6pm. This is longer than a school day. My sister got very offended when I suggested that being looked after as part of a cohort of 8 babies by three carers was not ideal for her seven month old daughter. She doesn't need to work full time but loves her job and is worried that if she goes pt she'll miss out on promotion. Is it unreasonable to think that now she's a mum she should put her daughter's needs first?

OP posts:
Paranoid1stTimer · 06/07/2010 11:02

Going back to work/staying at home whatever - it is such a difficult and personal decision and everyone has the right to choose without judgement.

YABU

duchesse · 06/07/2010 11:07

YABU- her baby, not yours.

tiredfeet · 06/07/2010 11:12

YABU - do you not think your sister will have thought through these things and decided what works best for her. Different things work will be best for different people at different times. Her staying with the baby when she would rather be at work would not be best for either of them. Its not what I plan to do but that doesn't mean its not right for her.

Firawla · 06/07/2010 12:47

yabu
i would never chose this for mine unless necessity but it is your sisters choice and its not something abusive to the children so just try to mind your own business. im sure she feels a bit guilty @ times already, even if happy with her choice, and she may get sad if she misses a mile stone i dont think its kind of you to rub it in.
im sure she would have weighed up the choices before deciding

OTTMummA · 06/07/2010 17:28

if my sister had come to this choice after carefull consideration then i wouldn't say a thing, but otherwise, yes, i would point out some things that she might not of thought much about.

I wouldn't be aggressive or judge, i would just say, have you thought of/about etc.

if she wasn't happy, again i would mention or suggest ways of getting around this as i couldn't do it myself.

but YABU to be nasty and rub it in about her missing milestones.

You never know the outcome of a choice before you make it, she could end up leaving after her first day back or she could love it, DD love nursery etc and everythings fine.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 06/07/2010 17:31

Hmm, interestingly the OP hasn't been back.

Missus84 · 06/07/2010 17:33

I agree actually - 50 hours a week in nursery is too much for a little baby, and I think most nursery workers would agree too. I would tell my sister the same.

FakePlasticTrees · 06/07/2010 17:46

YABU - why is she missing out on milestones after 6 months but not 12 months, or 2 years? When is it acceptable for a woman to restart her career?

If she was in the US, she'd have already been back at her desk at 6 weeks, 8 if she was lucky. If she works in the City, 6 months would be considered a long maternity leave. (4 months is the norm - i have worked somewhere where the nanny arrived in a taxi at lunch each day to collect the breast milk a new mum had expressed in the morning, the mum took the afternoon's lot back in a cool bag each night)

Missus84 · 06/07/2010 17:51

Doesn't mean those things are actually good for a baby or should be aspired to though.

YesMaam · 06/07/2010 17:59

Mind your own business.

My children went to nursery earlier than that although only the first went ft from 4months to one year before they both went 3 days a week.

I have never felt I have missed out on milestones, and even better, nursery have recorded brilliant books for them showing all their milestones in pictures so they can look back at them when they are older.

I doubt my husband would have thought he was missing out if I was a SAHM and he was at work all day and 'important events' happended at home whilst he wasn't there

dexifehatz · 06/07/2010 18:23

So the OP's sister loves her job more than her baby? She doesn't need to work full time but CHOOSES to do so instead of spending more time with her child.Well,some peoples priorities really take your breath away.She may miss out on promotion? Should have thought about that before having a child.Having your cake and eating it is just pure greed.

LadyBiscuit · 06/07/2010 18:27

Gosh how dreadful - women caring about their careers and wanting them to continue post children.

FFS some of you SAHM types are so jealous that some of us actually have jobs we enjoy, I pity you

dexifehatz · 06/07/2010 18:28

I don't need your fucking pity love.

NonnoMum · 06/07/2010 18:30

I very much doubt the OP loves her job more than her baby.
But she probably loves having a roof over her head too.
Good luck OP's sister. If it is a good nursery, it will be like a second home to her.
And you don't have to worry about the nanny getting stuck at Glastonbury.

spixblue · 06/07/2010 18:41

I think once a parent has made a decision to return to work, they need all the support they can get. It is extremely tough but rewarding to balance a career with parenthood. I gave up my job when my dd was born and then went deep into depression - my being her primary carer did her more harm than good. I will regret her first year being so miserable for the rest of my life, and I always said the same to people who said, "She's so lucky to have you looking after her all day." A happy parent is a good parent.

KSal · 06/07/2010 18:45

its not that simple.
to suggest that because someone wants to go to work that they don't love their child enough is frankly ridiculous. Its more complicated than that.

In my limited experience, i know that i would struggle emotionally to stay at home with my daughter full time and would risk depression. I had no way of knowing this before the birth and i was surprised and dissappointed by it. we are both better off because i am happy, she is very happy at nursery (has been ft since 6 months and is now 21 months).

The idea that this arrangement is all a result of me loving work more than her is nonsense...

oh and i haven't missed any milestones btw and even if i had, they would be ones my husband also missed because, shock horror, he works ft.

also i doubt very much that any of her carers thought that she spent too much time in nursery, or does now. She has thrived in that setting.

blueshoes · 06/07/2010 19:21

OP has probably searching the mn archives and come to the dawning realisation this has been done to death before and her opinions are deeply unoriginal, if a bit dull.

ImNotBossyBoots · 06/07/2010 19:41

OP, if your that bothered as a loving caring sister, why don't you offer to have her loved one for a certain amount of time so at least a family member can be there for the milestones .

I work full time and have never been made to feel guilty for it by my fantastic sister who cares for my DD like one of her own.

mumeeee · 06/07/2010 20:49

I agree with you and don't think YABU to tell you sister what you think. But YABU to tell you sister what's best for her child.

emy72 · 06/07/2010 21:06

It sounds like you are not being very supportive or accepting of your sister's choice and it is her choice to make.

She might go through lots of changes of heart and you should be there for her. Remember like others' said, that only first born children get one to one care - none of the subsequent children do (I have 4 so mine get a worse ratio than a nursery lol).

Please try and be more supportive of your sister, it is hard work balancing it all - and I am sure this decision is hard for her.

With my 4 children I have done it all so far - been at home, gone back to work full time, part time, put baby in nursery at 6 months, kept baby with me until 2 and a half.

TBH they have ALL worked out for me at the time and all my children are loved, well balanced, well nurtured individuals. So there! x

hairytriangle · 06/07/2010 21:09

Yabu. It's none of your business

hairytriangle · 06/07/2010 21:14

Financially if I get pregnant I plan to take four months maternity leave then do a day a week at home and four in work. My partner works from home freelance and I
am the high earner. I don't think that scenario needs to be a problem. It doesn't mean I want a child any less than anyone else. It doesn't mean I'll love a child less or miss out. It means we can both work and gave a child.

All power to working mums. Great role models!!!

CristinaTheAstonishing · 06/07/2010 21:16

clarinetplayer - "If i was your sister I might be tempted to put your clarinet where the sun doesn't shine" (well said, Fio)

smokinaces · 06/07/2010 21:21

Surely its up to her and her family?

I dont need to work - as a single parent I could quite easily sit on benefits so I could watch my childs every milestone - but I chose to work. I went back when DS1 was 6m, DS2 was 7m. I dont feel I missed out on any milestone to be 100% honest -I saw and heard everything like 1st words, 1st steps etc.

If your sister is thinking of a long term future then good on her. The economic market sucks at the moment, and IMO shes perfectly entitled to put her child in full time nursery to work.

IMO YABU. Leave her alone.

IHeartJohnLewis · 06/07/2010 21:25

YANBU for thinking it, and I agree wholeheartedly.

But YAprobablyBU to say it to her. She's got her take on it; you've got yours. Yours is right IMO, and I see no problem with you saying to her something along the lines of: "well, I certainly couldn't bring myself to do that". But telling her she's wrong is very iffy.

She may regret it one day (like when her children put her in a nursing home as revenge ). But until then, I fear you will have to smile and say nothing.

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