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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

unsuitable friendship

103 replies

1mouse2 · 04/07/2010 16:10

real problem at the minute, my 8yr old dd1 has become friends with a girl in her year who i really rather she was not. the family(including the mother) is involved with police, ss etc and is known for being trouble. she wanted to invite girl back to our house, said no as do not want the family round here. so she asked if she could go round to hers to which my reply was no as am not sure about her safety if she did. have tried to explain without with going into details. am now trying to encourage other friendships, has any one else been in this situation and how have they handled it

OP posts:
slushy · 04/07/2010 16:15

My little sister and it ended in tears I am sorry to say I would put strict rules e.g only at your house. Also encourage outside friends.

RunawayWife · 04/07/2010 16:18

Just tell her the other child/family are not good enough for her to mix with then get her some decent friends and leave the other child to be lonley

Original poster
1mouse2 · 04/07/2010 16:19

i feel sorry for the girl, its not her fault the familly she was born into, many of the parents feel the same as me, but i have to protect my own daughter

OP posts:
kreecherlivesupstairs · 04/07/2010 16:33

Not the police and horrid family, but my DD has made some friendships that I would rather she hadn't. Luckily for us, declining invitations and a total refusal to have said child/ren at our flat meant it died a natural death.
Runawaywife, that was unecessarily harsh.

Original poster
1mouse2 · 04/07/2010 16:38

we have said that itis ok to play with her a school and that if she really wants to we may meet her at local park so long myself or dh are present(it may be that we always busy at times they want to meet!!!)

OP posts:
overmydeadbody · 04/07/2010 16:38

What's the girl like? Maybe if she is a nice enough girl herself you could have her round to play, and at least give her a chance to see how other people are and maybe she won't follow in the footsteps of the rest of her family.

If you strongly feel that having the friend round to play would be too much for you becasue of the family then just make other excuses to your DD, there are hardly four weeks left of term, hopefully next year in a new form the friendship will fizzle out anyway.

ReasonableDoubt · 04/07/2010 16:42

I wouldnt object to this friendship. I don't see what harm it can cause in school? I also wouldnt mind her coming to our house now and then. I wouldnt have my DC in a house with people I didn't think they'd be safe with, though.

Be careful, though. At this age you can steer friendships, but as your DC get older, you won't just be able to say 'I dont like and her parents, you can't be friends with her'. It won't work. Much better to let go of the reins a bit and talk in more general terms to your children about right and wrong, so they can make up their own minds as they grow up.

Nancy66 · 04/07/2010 16:55

Why can't the girl come to your house?

If you're worried about her family coming to yours, offer to take her home.

I feel sorry for the poor kid, not her fault her family are low life - at least give her a chance.

Original poster
1mouse2 · 04/07/2010 18:05

i want to end the friendship, but in way that will not antagonise the family as i don't want trouble. many of the immediate family are drud addicts( and i don't mean cannabis!!) or alcoholics. at least 4 children have been taken permanmently into care/adopted due to parental neglect/drug abuse. also many members of the family/immediate circle have been in prison or are in prison at the moment for violent crimes. one incident recently involved a gun but police were not involved as it was between two members of drug fraternity. social services were also involved with this girl within the lest 2 weeks because of things she was saying at school. beleive me i do not want my daughter anywhere near the influence of this family. as i live in a small town with only primary changing schools is not an option

OP posts:
curryfreak · 04/07/2010 18:51

What a load of liberal claptrap. (not from you op) I wouldn,t let my dd's within a mile of these people.
Pity the kid though..
i would go as far as to say that you're endangering your daughter by encouraging this friendship!

BAFE · 04/07/2010 18:59

"What a load of liberal claptrap."

oh curryfreak that is so true and I personally think you were quite brave to say so.

OP - you can't control who your dd plays with in school but I don't see why you can't have the other girl round your house and then drop her off home.

Original poster
1mouse2 · 04/07/2010 19:11

the only reason i have said she can play at school is because i don;t want to cause triuble with the family. i am hoping that by not inviting her round or allowing my dd1 to visit her while encouraging other friendships the friendship die. thankfully she seems to be accepting our explanation that we have adult reasons for not wanting her to play with this girl and the last time i took my dd2 to preschool she was not playing with her but with some other friends. if it looks like the friendship is not going to end after the summer holidays(she will definitely not be seeing this girl over them) i will have talk to the school about my concerns and about seperating them and if this does not happen then we will have to think about sending her to the another school in a near by village although this will be a last resort as she has other friends at the school who are great and these are friendships we are trying to encourage while trying to end this one. also i am wary of the thing of ' i am going to play with girl because you said i can't'. we are hoping that if we make it plain that we don't like them being friends without making it big thing that it is morelikely to die a death

OP posts:
Nancy66 · 04/07/2010 19:13

The 'liberal clap trap' came before the OP gave a full picture...

hairytriangle · 04/07/2010 19:14

yanbu. I can't believe the third posters 'not good enough' comment, that's snobby and sick though!

kreecherlivesupstairs · 04/07/2010 19:16

I suspect the third poster's commment was tongue in cheek.

Kathyjelly · 04/07/2010 19:23

OP, you're condemning and excluding an eight year old girl because of her family. I think that's awful.

Plus you can't choose your children's friends at school and if you try, sooner or later you risk driving a wedge between you and your daughter

I'd say yes to the friend coming to your house. Who knows, you might be pleasantly surprised and you might even do some good by including her. If she's mean to your daughter, you can explain to your DD why you don't want her to come over a second time with good reason but to refuse without even trying just smacks of prejudice.

ballstoit · 04/07/2010 19:24

RunawayWife is pretty accurate in that being what you really think. Is the girl herself known to be abusive to other children? If not, then she poses no risk to your DD either at school or at your home. Poor child, horrible home life and no kids 'allowed' to play with her at school.

Liberal claptrap or a bit of humanity to a child who has not chosen to be a part of this awful family?

LittleMissHissyFit · 04/07/2010 19:26

oh fgs! What has this poor child done, why can't you give her a chance? Has it not crossed your mind that if she spends time with a non-'troubled' family, long term it might actually help.

Is your own 8yo so weak minded that she'll fall under their evil spell and be out stealing cars by the end of the week? You don't trust your own daughter? You can't censor all her friends, you do know that?

My sister was about 9yo when she made friends with a girl whose dad was detained at her majesty's pleasure, for a very serious crime. We took her on outings in the hols, she stayed over, she was a good friend to my sis. The friendship petered out naturally when they went to secondary school.

If everyone treats this girl like a criminal from now on, take a wild guess as to what she'll become.

cheesypopfan · 04/07/2010 19:28

I am so with you on this kathyjelly. i just find it so sad that this poor girl is having an opportunity for friendship, when, by the sounds of it, she needs it, cut off because of her family. i have, i admit, discouraged friendships where the children have been little sh**ts for one reason or another, but i can't imagine discouraging one where i don't know what the child is like and am basing it totally on reasons beyond her control.

I know it means you may have to talk to this family, but you don't have to let your child go there, just have her round to yours.

I'm a liberal and proud of it

wb · 04/07/2010 19:28

But that is what the OP is saying though, isn't it? She hasn't said anything negative about the little girl, only her family.

While I can see why she wouldn't allow them to play at the other child's house, or even unsupervised, but I can't see why the child has to be ostracized.

CoronaAndLime · 04/07/2010 19:32

God.

What a bloody horrid way to treat a child thats only crime was to be born into a family of 'troubled' people.

I think you (op) should keep your distance from this poor, unfortunate child.

BAFE · 04/07/2010 19:34

I would'nt make it plain that you don't like them being friends tbh. Idon't think it's necessary to say that to an 8 year old, it should be enough just to simply not organise arrangements out of school.

I think your totally over-reacting about considering changing schools though. What on earth do you think is going to happen to your 8 year old DD if she skips in the playgroud with a girl from an undesirable family!!!!!

ballstoit · 04/07/2010 19:34

Where's the OP gone? To renew her membership of the 'my family and friends are perfect club'.

BeerTricksPotter · 04/07/2010 19:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

allbie · 04/07/2010 19:37

Maybe have the little girl round for a trial run and see what type of person she is. Your child must like her for a reason, maybe you might too. If you really don't like her after that then do everything to stop the friendship. The girl's family might not be as bad as you've heard?