unsuitable friendship

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real problem at the minute, my 8yr old dd1 has become friends with a girl in her year who i really rather she was not. the family(including the mother) is involved with police, ss etc and is known for being trouble. she wanted to invite girl back to our house, said no as do not want the family round here. so she asked if she could go round to hers to which my reply was no as am not sure about her safety if she did. have tried to explain without with going into details. am now trying to encourage other friendships, has any one else been in this situation and how have they handled it

why do you think it unlikely? drugs make people's behaviour unpredictable, and often violent. That's partly why they are illegal.

My point is that you cannot know how these people will react to anything (children's playground fights, real/perceived slights), but it is unlikely to be positively.

If things are really as bad as the OP writes, then proper, professional help is needed for the little girl. And, since SS are involved, that is as far as the OP's obligation goes.

Gawd blimey! The amount of "what ifs" followed Daily Misery-like scenarios I've read here!

OP, your DD is your first concern and if you really believe she could be in danger by having this friend come to yours to play then YANBU to veto it. BUT, is this really the case, or is it that you would prefer her not to have this girl as a friend because of what you know about her family. If that is the case then I do think YABU.

the problem is, even if each "what if" is unlikely, there are so many "what ifs" that it's not unlikely one will occur...

it's not unreasonable to assume people taking hard drugs (assuming OP is correct) are unpredictable & therefore dangerous - it would be naive to think otherwise!

Of course it is unlikely. Drug use is far more widespread than you would think, and very rarely do random uptight parents bear the brunt of playground fall-outs.

My point is that you are judging and hindering a little girl on the apparent behaviour of her parents. You are also making wild assumptions that "these people" are out there to hurt you and your little darlings. I think there are a few people on here who really need to experience life a little more and not believe every scare story that the Daily Fail media feeds you.

and now you are making wild assumptions about other people's experiences - they may be different to yours but not less valid!

and fwiw, i personally wouldn't be against my DC playing with this little girl at school/in the park (pretty futile fight anyway, i would have thought), but i wouldn't be falling over myself to invite her to my place.

All I can say is that I too was that little girl at one stage in my life. I remember clearly one of my good friends telling me that her mum had told her not to play with me as I was a bad influence. No I was not, I just had a crap family.

A few years at 6th form that friend and I discussed that conversation, just after I got accepted to uni and she got kicked out for being drunk in class. we both agreed that her mum was stupid.

Of course you don't want drug addicts / criminals in your home. But there are ways of dealing with this situation that will not leave your daughter thinking that another 8 year old is not good enough for her friendship. Don't have her around your house, but a blanket ban is wrong in so many ways.

This is an 8 year old girl. She did not choose her parents. She would probably love to live in a home like yours with a mum like you. She doesn't. She was delt a shit hand and it looks like life is only going to get shitter for her.

What! As in the law of probability, one of those "what-ifs" will happen given a certain amount of time?

Good god! how many risks do we take every day? We drive at 70mph with our beautiful, most loved children down motorways, in full knowledge that some people have dreadful accidents and lose their loved ones in that way. I passed two dreadful looking accidents on the M4 this weekend, but none of those are reported because road accidents are two a penny!

However, "druggy", "alcoholic", "abusive", "dole-scrounging" families are far more newsworthy.

My mum was a crack-head, my father was a criminal. I was put into foster care at the age of 4 months because of this. I was given wonderful parents.

Thank God they gave me a chance in life and didn't condemn me because of something my parents did.

Kids are kids. If the friendship doesn't work out, c'est la vie, but at least give her a chance.

I also think that you should invite her round to yours but keep an eye on things

loopy you do not seem to be understanding what people are saying- people have 'experienced' these things, as in seen with own eyes, NOT read them in the Daily mail or any other newspaper. It is us 'what if' people that have often experienced life a little too much and therefore have incidents to base our opinions on NOT just an idealistic view. I'm all for helping those children less fortunate, It has nothing to do with benefits? (larks what has the dole got to do with it?) But if the family do use drugs regularly, if they are abusive/ violent then it would be terrible to put your DC into that situation... and believe me sooner or later if you have the child over you would have to explain away why you are too 'busy' to let DC go to hers....

I'm not saying EXCLUDE the child, she should definitely be invited to parties and play with in school but keep an eye on it....

And anyone who says to a child 'you cant play with her/him as they are bad/ not as good/ scummy etc...' IS stupid, but OP hasnt, Whiteflame hasnt, I havent etc...

It is not about being from the 'wrong' part, I am from the wrong part, many of my friends and children's friends are, but violent situations (working or mid class families) should be avoided IMPO

What reason would you invite them to the party mattahatta?

I hope it's truly because you want the child there, and not just because you are scared if you invite the rest of the class, and the girl tells her big bogey man of a father, that he'll come round and explain to you in his way why his dd should of had an invite!

I am frankly amazed at the posters who say 'I was that little girl..' and then say they feel the OP should not put restrictions on her LO's friendship in order to avoid her LO being exposed to that chaos.

My father would have raided the child's purse for pennies. I remember him, once, when I had a friend round, drunkenly chasing us round the house in a way that started playfully but ended up with me and my friend locking ourselves into the bathroom and my friend bursting into tears. I don't want MY child to be in that situation just because I had to put up with it.

Life isn't fair. I wish I could have had more 'normal' experiences with inviting friends round as a child but it's not my child's job to make up for that so I would not choose to encourage any friendship that I was wary might lead to that.

Also want to second others who are saying this is NOT about the Daily Mail. My avoidance of a situation like this is based on my own experience and the experience of others in my community. Very easy to discount that when you live in the leafy suburbs.

FWIW, arses, I think your posts have been extremely measured and well considered.

Also, great nickname!

So we have an anecdote or two of serious cases and therefore all children belonging to rough families must be avoided at all costs?

I think it is fair not to allow your child to a home where they might be in danger, and if you don't want to invite her to your house that is your prerogative, but actively encouraging your child / the school to ostracise the child outside of your home is awfully unfair.
This child will find it hard to get on in life, and school will be no different. The teachers are more than likely to be holding their own prejudices already, as are clearly the parents. Hopefully the children in her class are a little more open minded.

mattahatta It's not that I'm not understanding what people are saying, more that I don't believe it. I do believe these individual anecdotes but I don't believe that if one incident happens to you or someone you know regarding one family, that you should cut yourself off from a whole section of society in every context.

yes arses and shinyrobot, that is what I am trying to say it is all based on experience, not even worried about the stealing aspect but aggression. Arses I am sorry that you had a childhood like that and glad you have turned it around, I agree that the people living in the 'leafy suburbs' have no idea, want to be liberal in their thoughts, but once they have experienced the same may change their opoinions.. I could give other anecdotes here about how my mother did not want to prejudge and wanted to 'think of the poor girl', resulting in my brother being badly beaten at just 6 years old, or another friend ending up in hospital, 5 years after he had called someones sister smelly at school....

rainbowfizz I would invite them because that would otherwise be singling out and that is not necessary, but to have the girl over on a 1-1 basis and risk them becoming inseperable I would say no.... As for the bogeyman father- I have met many, I have had run-ins with and also helped several, however I would NEVER put my children in a situation where they could be harmed...simple as

loopy what 'section of soceity' are you talking about- the crazy, drugged up one? I think all children should be cut off from them, regardless of their financial background, be that aggressive middle class, upper class or working class... it is not about 'bad areas' but bad families

fwiw most of the anecdotes I have come from financial stable, 'traditional' 2 parent families where on appearance all is welll

Yes, that's a good point. Perhaps you should stop your children seeing anyone at all in case these scary aggressive-types are everywhere, especially if they can lurk undetected in financially stable families with two parents.

The section of society I'm talking about is the unsavoury, not-good-enough-for-my-daughter one. I didn't realise they were crazy as well as drugged up. I hadn't notice any metion to mental illness on OP..?

mention, sorry

Sorry crazy is a word I use regularly for many situations and shouldnt on here, point taken, but to suggest I am being unreasonable or that I would stop my child mixing with people on a whole, its nothing to do with not being good enough, it is about protecting my child. FWIW my children and I have many friends who have external agencies involvement, but their problems pose no risk to my childrens safety....
OP has said that the family are known, SS are involved, that it is extended family as well so I would say that is enough for me to protect my child.... I hope you never experience some of the situations mentioned on here, I get so fed up of hearing parents moan when things happen to their children that they would have never imagined... use common sense....

with you all the way mattahatta!

of course you shouldn't stop you DC seeing anyone at all loopyloops, but in this particular case it has been made clear that these people's behaviour is very undesirable - it's not as if it's random guessing!

to be really clear - it's not the people themselves that are the problem. it's their antisocial, criminal behaviour that is limiting their (and unfortunately their DDs) social opportunities.

And to the poster who said drug use is more widespread than i think, we're not talking about an occasional joint here!

thank you whiteflame

I agree occassional joint acceptable- hard drugs not acceptable