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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

unsuitable friendship

103 replies

1mouse2 · 04/07/2010 16:10

real problem at the minute, my 8yr old dd1 has become friends with a girl in her year who i really rather she was not. the family(including the mother) is involved with police, ss etc and is known for being trouble. she wanted to invite girl back to our house, said no as do not want the family round here. so she asked if she could go round to hers to which my reply was no as am not sure about her safety if she did. have tried to explain without with going into details. am now trying to encourage other friendships, has any one else been in this situation and how have they handled it

OP posts:
TotalChaos · 04/07/2010 19:37

yabu. wonder how school will react to you wanting the friendship discouraged purely because the girl's family is so dodgy

cheesypopfan · 04/07/2010 19:39

looking at your op again, you have said that 'other parents feel the same'. This little girl is being ostracised through no fault of her own. How terribly sad when she clearly sounds like she needs some friends and to just be a 'normal' eight year old. She has no chance if this is the way she is treated does she...

otchayaniye · 04/07/2010 19:50

the friendship could be just the thing this poor child needs. And you want to kill it off, why exactly?

BertieBasset · 04/07/2010 19:55

What harm will it do to you if an 8 year old child comes round to play? You're not inviting all the junkie relatives over.

I feel sorry for the poor kid.

Iamcrap · 04/07/2010 19:57

Poor child. She didn't choose her parents did she? I wouldn't send my child to play at their house but there is absolutely no reason why she cannot come round to hers. it takes a village to raise a child etc etc

foureleven · 04/07/2010 19:58

Id let the poor little girl come to play, give her a good meal, hope that our family manners and morals rub off on her and maybe see if the parents even noticed if we didnt send her back..

Ok, not the last bit. But I would let her play here.

FanjolinaJolie · 04/07/2010 19:59

If you know for a fact that SS have been involved with the family then absolutely I wouldn't allow my DD to go there either.

I'd encourage more outside friends without excluding this new friend and anyway they change friends and groups of their own accord.

muggglewump · 04/07/2010 20:02

I've had police involvement with my 8yr old.
She was stealing money from me so I took her to the police station, then, a few months later, when I smacked her for still stealing money (yes smacked, you read that right, kill me now) she decided to run away and the police brought her home.

I've also almost had SS involved, as I was seriously ill and discharged myself from hospital, but DD is not a hideous child, and we're not an awful family, we had a rough patch and have come through it, and throughout it all I've been a loving, caring and involved parent, tearing my hair out trying to deal with it and help DD.

Please don't write off this girl, not all children who do bad things come from bad families, and I'd be devastated if anyone stopped their children playing with DD.

Original poster
1mouse2 · 04/07/2010 20:04

the girl has benn caught shoplifting several times which is another reason why i don't want her in my home. also i have reasons to do with my profession(no i am not a social worker or police officer)as to why i don't want to have any contact with this family

OP posts:
muggglewump · 04/07/2010 20:05

Oh, and can I add, that no one who met DD would have any clue of all that went on.
In company she's polite, well mannered, eats hummous and smoked salmon, reads, and is a delight.
She saves all her bad behaviour for me.

Original poster
1mouse2 · 04/07/2010 20:16

i understand that but my concern is that thisgirl has grown up in a family where drug taking and crime is the norm, she has already been caught shoplifting and has been talking at school to her friends(including my daughter) about things an 8 yr old shouldn't know or see. i am not worried for now as my daughter has a strong sense of right and wrong(too strong sometimes- no shades of grey with her) but am worried about influences and peer pressure in the future as not only are many members of the family drug takers but are also heavily involved in drug dealing

OP posts:
BAFE · 04/07/2010 20:21

You sound like you've already made your up so I wonder what was the point of asking AIBU?

Also, you are drip feeding us bits of the story, so although i started out thinking YANBU, I know think, YABveryU.

MarthaQuest · 04/07/2010 20:22

I've been in this sit with DS. The kid was his best friend, although sadly rarely at school .

Once I took him to his birthday party (before I realised how bad the family was) and I was really shocked to see the squalor they were living in- think what looked like dog shit on the front door, no carpet on the stairs which stank of urine, staffies and their puppies pooing everywhere and scary looking druggie types lurking in the kitchen. In the mainly concrete garden, they had hired a bouncy castle on which older kids were widly bouncing, completely unsupervised.

After that, the kid was occasionally invited to our house but ds never went back their again, and we moved from the area.I explained to ds that I was worried about the dogs. (he was only 5 at the time, and I didn't want to go into further details with him).

I was worried though, about ds being possibly influenced by the family when a teenager.

Kathyjelly · 04/07/2010 20:25

OK Mouse, I can see your concerns but I think maybe you underestimate the ability of eight year olds to see through the excuses.

When I was about the same age I had a best friend called Claire. At some point my father found out that Claire's mum had divorced her husband and was living with someone else. I was told I wasn't allowed to see Claire anymore because they weren't "nice".

I knew perfectly well that Claire was nice, she's my best mate still, forty years later, and instead I learnt to regard my dad as a nasty-minded idiot.

Portofino · 04/07/2010 20:32

The poor child! I can understand you might not want your dc over their house, but no reason you can't let her come to yours. Your dd presumably likes her for a reason. Worth a try anyhow.

ilovesprouts · 04/07/2010 20:35

sorry but you cant chose your dds pals why not invite her round , see how she is at your house

iamanewmum31 · 04/07/2010 20:35

Poor girl. Her home life sounds awful. It might really help her going to your house. It might influance her adult life to see a loving family. Also you don't want your DD growing up to be narrow minded. Poor girl. My sister and I ofen had friends over from 'unsuitable' familys. We are all grown up now. These friends are still friends and will always love my parents. They even fostered a couple of children. What sort of morals do you want to teach your daughter?

Jenbot · 04/07/2010 20:36

I wouldn't let her go over to play, but I think you are being mean to try to split them up. I think you ought to let them play at your house.

I had friends at school with racist paarents, drug dealing parents, swinger patents. I'm not into any of those pastimes, nor have my friends grown up to copy their parents come to think of it! Unless they are keeping lots of secrets from me.

Original poster
1mouse2 · 04/07/2010 20:36

i do feel guilty about judging this girl i do know her and there's just something about her that says stay away and with her having be caught shoplifting i do not want her in my house

OP posts:
rainbowfizz · 04/07/2010 20:49

I became friends with the girl at my school, who's mum had her at 14, lived on a rough estate, had different men every week, regularly had known drug users visiting her house. My parents weren't keen but didn't stop it.

I hadn't thought of it now, but I wonder having this friendship between the ages of 9 and 11, was the reason that I had my first child at 17!!!!

No funny enough it had bugger all to do with it, but hey that could give you enough reason to prevent this friendship!

muggglewump · 04/07/2010 20:52

If you're worried she might steal from you then don't leave her alone.

Set up a craft activity or put on a DVD in the living room.
Make pizzas for tea and see how she is before writing her off.

She may be lovely with you and she is your DD's friend.

Do it once at least for your DD.

arses · 04/07/2010 20:57

Another vote for the 'let's quit the liberal claptrap' here.

My mother prevented my sister from becoming friends with a local girl because her family were known to be violent and dangerous, involved in drugs and local racketeering/protectionism. The whole town were afraid of this family. Some of the children had been removed. Grown up children of the same family were in prison, some of the girls were prostitutes, there was a strong suggestion that there had been sexual abuse in the family.

At one point, there had been an incident in the town where a 7 year old child of this family fell out with another child in the playground. In response, the eldest brother (now in prison for GBH and murder for a separate incident) "glassed" the mother of the offending child in the town park where she was playing with her toddler - scarring her for life.

It's so easy to say 'why of course, I'm so humane, my child can play with any child of their choosing regardless of background! Look at liberal me!' but violence/crime does not equate to questionable politics, racism or even addiction. Some families are renowned for being 'dangerous' within their communities and are best avoided. There is a guy on our estate whose entire family have been sent down for violent crime at one point or another - at 15 he did a stint for 'manslaughter' as he punched a local dad in the head and killed him on the spot. He got out after three years, reoffended, went back in. He has a baby the same age as mine. If his kid decided to befriend mine, I would discourage the friendship because I don't want my ds to be visiting the house of a convicted offender.. and I would even be terrified by the prospect of discouraging the bloody friendship!

So YANBU.

iamanewmum31 · 04/07/2010 20:59

Would you rather have the girl round your house or have your daughter meet her behind your back? I'm assuming she will see the girl at school.

Original poster
1mouse2 · 04/07/2010 21:21

i guess i haven't expressed my self very well. i do feel giluty for judging the girl and her family, we're not perfect i know that and there are probably some who look down at us, but all my instincts are saying stay away.i have said that she can play with the girl at school but that she is not coming to our house and that she is not going to hers.there are some members of the family who really are trouble and i don't want to risk her coming into contact with them.also said that if she really wants she can see her at the local park with me or my dh but due to my profession i don't want to be seen mixing with them frequently(sounds an awful thing to say but consorting with drug addicts could reflect on me professionally, particularly in a small community i live in). what i am trying to do is keep it as a schooltime friendship and monitor things. if it starts to look like my dd is getting pulled in that world then i will have to do something but i am hoping that it will not as a my dd has a strong sense of right and wrong may be it will rub off on the other girl but all we can do is wait and see and try to keep a distance

OP posts:
BeerTricksPotter · 04/07/2010 22:33

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