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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have not been invited to DH's friend's wedding

113 replies

whoneedssleepanyway · 25/06/2010 06:56

A good friend of DH is getting married, the invitation arrived yesterday and when we opened we thought how strange they have sent us both our own invitation as there were 2 invitations in there but when we looked DH is invited to the ceremony and reception and I am only invited to the evening do.

I fully appreciate how tricky it can be managing the numbers at weddings and they are expensive too but it definitely isn't about the money as DH's friend earns a lot of money.

I am pretty hacked off as it isn't like I don't know this guy, i worked at the same company as him (as did DH) for 7 years and was in the same department for 3 of those......

I think I am probably being unreasonable as it is their wedding they can do what they want but feel pretty insulted by this and am thinking i am not going to bother going as i hate turning up at weddings when everyone has been there all day....

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 25/06/2010 07:01

YANBU - that is very strange of them, and a bit mean

gingernutlover · 25/06/2010 07:04

that is very strange

is it possible it is a mistake?

i think i would reply saying that your dh is coming but you cant since it will be complicated for you both to go but to have to travel seperatley (which in mine and dh case would be absolutely true)

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 25/06/2010 07:05

That is really odd, and pretty out of order, I think. You can't invite one spouse to more of an event than the other.

gingernutlover · 25/06/2010 07:06

just reread and if you each have your own invitation then it would seem they have done it on purpose. How very rude and a bit strange. I would be very insulted by this too - wonder what is the reason?

CaveMum · 25/06/2010 07:08

To my mind it is rude to invite one half of a married couple and not the other. We were not going to invite DH's dads wife To our wedding as a) she had been 'the other woman' and b) DH had only met her twice in the last 10 years!
DH's mum was mortified and said we had to invite her as they were married.

When you are married you come as a pair.

YANBU.

qk · 25/06/2010 07:08

how totally weird!

JosieZ · 25/06/2010 07:23

My daughter and partner were invited to her friend's wedding ceremony and the evening do but NOT the meal - though they didn't realise until they sauntered along to the hotel with EVERYONE else to find there was no places for them at the tables.

I put it down to the arsy mother of the bride - if she is paying then she will dictate who goes without considering feelings of daughter's friends.

MrsKitty · 25/06/2010 07:39

YANBU. How bizarre.

Original poster
whoneedssleepanyway · 25/06/2010 07:45

it is very weird. it is at least an hour journey so would be tricky for us both going separately and i can't really be bothered with the palaver of sorting out babysitting etc just to go for a few hours in the evening. i think i will decline. i hate the whole A list B list thing at weddings, we decided we didn't want to do this so invited everyone to the whole thing and adjusted the numbers accordingly to what we could afford.

OP posts:
posieparker · 25/06/2010 07:47

How odd. I would ask your DH to give them a call and ask if it's a mistake...if they confirm that that is what they intended I would politely decline both invites.

Callisto · 25/06/2010 08:09

If this happened to DH and I, I think that neither of us would be going. DH wouldn't consider going without me and if the situation was reversed, I wouldn't consider going without him.

How does your DH feel and is he going to both bits of the wedding?

addictedishavingagirl · 25/06/2010 08:19

my dh gets invited to wedding with out me and now makes a point of decling by writing on the card that its too far to travel with out me or too long a day and as we hardly get to spend time together weekends are our time together.

its very odd, its not something i thought happened!

londonmackem · 25/06/2010 08:35

I understand that people are short on numbers and to be fair i had a 3 month rule at my wedding (not sure why 3 months). If a couple had been together for longer than 3 months then they were both invited.

I think it is rude not to invite a married couple (but would probably understand if my uni friends invited the ladies as a gang then the boys in the evening as we all get along and the men would probably go to the pub together in the day). Irrelevant really as we were all invited!

PortiaNovmerriment · 25/06/2010 08:36

It doesn't seem strange to me. Regardless of how loaded you think the guy is, sixty quid or so for a meal is a lot of money, and if they are keeping numbers down, I wouldn't be offended.

It's entirely your pergative to decline, and if you feel miffed, it's probably appropriate that you do.

heymango · 25/06/2010 08:44

YANBU.

Why on earth didn't they invite you both just to the evening do?

mistletoekisses · 25/06/2010 08:59

YANBU.

Incredibly rude. I would decline both without making any further mention.

bell131313 · 25/06/2010 09:05

YANBU.
That is so rude- I wouldn't go.

stubbornhubby · 25/06/2010 09:07
  • DH write politely and cheerfully, declining the ceremony/reception but accepting for the evening do
  • you write separately and accept the evening do.

Then both go to the evening do together and have a great time

  • don't be narky with your friends about why DH declined up the ceremony. They will know why (and if it matters to them then who knows- perhaps a 'mixup' will suddenly be discovered and an invitation for you will mysteriously pop up.
Fruitysunshine · 25/06/2010 09:13

YANBU.

A huge part of planning a wedding is managing the budget but you have to manage it with things like this in mind. You cannot invite one half of a couple and leave the other out - if you can't afford for both to come then invite neither.

If it were me I would ring to make sure it is correct. Sometimes there are other people involved in sending out the invites on behalf of the couple and perhaps a mistake has been made. If they said that is correct I would accept their position on the telephone but no respond verbally. I would then respond via a regrets card on behalf of both of us.

Deliaskis · 25/06/2010 09:17

YAdefoNBU, it's extremely rude to only invite one half of a married couple. The Bride & Groom to be need to do a little reading on etiquette (and actually just basic manners TBH).

If they couldn't fit you both in or couldn't afford to have you both they should have only invited the pair of you to the evening do, or not at all.

Perhaps you should invite the groom to dinner at your house and invite the bride for digestifs.

Grrr...

D

porcamiseria · 25/06/2010 09:39

very rude, fuck em, dont go, and use the money you would have spent on dress/hair /pressie on a treat instead

skidoodly · 25/06/2010 09:46

Neither of you should go, that invitation insults you both.

Nuttybear · 25/06/2010 09:47

I think the wedding fussing as gone to their heads! Who else do you know who's going? Would you really have a goodtime? If not book a babysitter and do something else that will strength your marriage like a evening picnic with music or clubbing. I like Delia's idea. remember if one or both go you still have to buy a present, that money is best spent on yourselves

sue52 · 25/06/2010 09:48

YANBU Dreadful manners. I would decline both mine and my husband's invitation.

gorionine · 25/06/2010 09:52

I agree it is bad form but

"When you are married you come as a pair."

Really?