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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have not been invited to DH's friend's wedding

113 replies

whoneedssleepanyway · 25/06/2010 06:56

A good friend of DH is getting married, the invitation arrived yesterday and when we opened we thought how strange they have sent us both our own invitation as there were 2 invitations in there but when we looked DH is invited to the ceremony and reception and I am only invited to the evening do.

I fully appreciate how tricky it can be managing the numbers at weddings and they are expensive too but it definitely isn't about the money as DH's friend earns a lot of money.

I am pretty hacked off as it isn't like I don't know this guy, i worked at the same company as him (as did DH) for 7 years and was in the same department for 3 of those......

I think I am probably being unreasonable as it is their wedding they can do what they want but feel pretty insulted by this and am thinking i am not going to bother going as i hate turning up at weddings when everyone has been there all day....

OP posts:
chiccadee · 25/06/2010 13:14

There might just be an excuse if, for example, the ceremony venue was very small and only seated a few guests. In that scenario though, I would expect the bride and groom to spend time beforehand, calling round to guests and explaining the situation to those who can't squeeze into the ceremony (and profusely apologising).

Other than that, there is no excuse for A/B lists at weddings - it's pure poor taste.

Either both of you should decline or both of you should accept to go to the evening do only.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 25/06/2010 13:16

I really don't think it's that terrible

anonacfr · 25/06/2010 13:28

Considering they know her pretty well I think it's a terribly rude thing to do.

What I don't get is the order of things.

I thought the 'ceremony' part was the church service? which would by definition be free for guests and unless they get married in a tiny church there would be enough room for everyone, even if some have to stand at the back.
So why would the OP not be allowed to show up at the church but welcome later on for the meal where presumably issues such as numbers and budgets would be far more relevant?

Doesn't make sense to me.

Regardless I totally believe that couples should be invited as a pair.

stleger · 25/06/2010 13:28

My dh declined an invite like this last month. It was a colleague's wedding, I didn't know him. Dh thought it would be a bit dull, as talking to other colleagues would be like work. If spouses are there it is more social. One of the secretaries where he works spent a long time muttering about this being the 'height of rudeness'. it would seem to me 'not quite etiquette'. it saved us a fortune though.

Hulababy · 25/06/2010 13:29

How odd, and yes - seems quite rude too. But then people do very odd things over their weddings - things they'd never dream of doing or asking in any other real life situation. It is like the whole thing goes to their head and sends them off course for a while.

Bad form IMO, esp when you know both sides of the couple equally well!

HettiesMum · 25/06/2010 13:30

Buy them an Etiquette book as a wedding present.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 25/06/2010 13:36

anonacfr guests invited to the ceremony and reception generally get fed properly (sit down or a full on buffet). They also have a reception drink, champagne for the toast and wine with their food.

The evening do food is generally a less substantial buffet, with maybe a drink on arrival. Cost would be the main issue - clearly it's cheaper to feed someone a few sausage rolls and some canapes than to feed them a four course lunch, but space might also be an issue as the same venue might be able to seat 50 for a four course dinner but 100 for a buffet.

Eglu · 25/06/2010 13:40

YANBU I don't think either of you should go.

iamanewmum31 · 25/06/2010 13:41

My friend did this at her wedding. Invited me but not my DH. They wanted to keep numbers down. My husband hates weddings with a passion. He wasn't bothered as the wedding was an hour and half a way by train. He is not close to my friend either. I went. It turned out that they had done the same with other guests. Half of the grooms uni mates weren't there (I'm guessing for the same reason), neither was the groom's brother). They didn't want children there. This was the price they paid for an overpriced wedding. However if you worked with and know the person well I would find this arrangement very stange. If I were you I would get my DH to call to find out why.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 25/06/2010 13:48

I really loathe the word buffet. Sorry for the buffet-overload.

letsblowthistacostand · 25/06/2010 14:12

RUDE. He's on the A-list and you're on the B-list? I would find this quite insulting and want to know if they had some issue with you.

I find the whole A/B-list at weddings ridiculous anyway. If you can't afford to invite everyone you know, either scale back or JUST DON'T INVITE THEM. I would much rather not be invited then turn up at 7pm for a morsel of wedding cake and some overpriced drinks just to see the bride and groom waltz off into the sunset.

mumoverseas · 25/06/2010 15:29

YANBU, very rude. I'd decline invite and send them a very cheap toaster

LoveBeing34 · 25/06/2010 15:42

Is there any reason you can think of why they have done this? Is the service very low key?

nickelbabe · 25/06/2010 15:50

i have been in this situation, but i was invited to the church service and the evening, and ex was invited to the meal as well.
not that they made that clear on the invitation and we had to ask them

it wasn't so bad, as they explained that we weren't married or engaged (we were actually engaged, but they didn't know) and they couldn't afford to have everybody, so they only invited partners that had some kind of obligation to each other.

it was a bloody ball-ache from the POV that i had to drive us both to West Bridford, then drive him to the meal, then go home for 5 hours, then drive all the way back to the venue for the evening.
and my payment for that?
he got drunk and i had to drive home too.

anyway, it is rude to give married couples different invitations, especially in the same envelope!
they should have invited you both to the evening or both to the whole thing.
(if it's a civil ceremony, it's quite often in the same place, but a church service, there's no reason why you can't go to the church and then hang around in the bar until the evening - it's against the law to prevent a member of the public from attending a wedding in a church)

trickytroggle · 25/06/2010 15:53

mumoverseas you're so generous - i'd politely decline and then send them buggar all!

mumoverseas · 25/06/2010 15:58

Actually you are right tricky, maybe a toaster isn't appropriate. what about an alarm clock? Where I live (Middle East) they do very nice 'salah' alarm clocks. They are plastic and (usually pink) shaped like mosques and when they go off the alarm music is prayer call. I've often bought them as gifts for 'friends'
OP, would you like one?

HelenaCC · 25/06/2010 16:01

YANBU - how strange, and rude. It looks to me like your poor dh cant be considered a 'good friend' of this couple if they are prepared to cut you like this. Is the bride to be expecting your dh to go as some kind of lads contingent? Have other wives been excluded on the same basis from the same group? How does your dh feel about it? Is he going to go without you? If I were you Id certainly stay away.

proudnsad · 25/06/2010 16:03

Oh blimey, we did this to one couple at our wedding. He (old friend of 18 years) we invited to the whole shebang, she to the evening as we'd never met her and numbers were tight. And btw we earned good money, too but that's really not always the point. Numbers are numbers.
Anyway they were furious and neither came!They've long split up now, she was a pyscho...another story.

FreeButtonBee · 25/06/2010 16:12

I don't think it's that rude, actually. They obviously have their reasons and they probably are either cost or space limitations. Neither of which they can do much about.

Personally, I would let DH decide for himself if he wanted to go (you don't suddenly become one person when you marry!) and decide myself if I wanted to go. Surely it's not that difficult to amuse yourself in a new town for 3 or 4 hours of a saturday afternoon? I'd get my hair done, have a wander around, go for a nice late lunch/early dinner (which let's face it is going to be much nicer than the majority of wedding breakfasts) then santer along later.

Of course, if it's all too much hassle then don't bother or if you have a problem with evening invitations (I also personally don't like them much as a concept), then just don't bother.

I'm getting married this year and prior to issuing the invites a couple of good friends asked if their partners were invited/on what basis we were doing the invites as they wanted to plan their summers and didn't want to assume. Wasn't offended that they asked and shows that people do understand that sometimes compromises have to be made.

siilk · 25/06/2010 16:17

I find the whole ceremony/meal or evening do really strange and quite rude. I originally come from a country where this just doesn't happen. It is all or nothing. On a rare occassion you may get an invite to a ceremony but I have only seen that once or twice.

minipie · 25/06/2010 16:34

Siilk I agree with you. If you don't like someone enough to have them at the ceremony and meal, just don't invite them at all and have a smaller wedding.

Mind you, I can see that some couples need to have an evening do so as to be able to invite all the Aunt Doris and Cousin Jeans that might otherwise be mortally offended.

nickelbabe · 25/06/2010 17:22

see, we're inviting everybody to the day, especially to the church service , because i believe that's the whole point of getting married!
we're having a home-made buffet in the church afterwards so that we don't have to exclude anybody.

we are having an evening do, but actually, there are fewer people going to that than to the day, and we're doing that bit mainly because it's lovely to do some dancing (we're both obsessed with music and dancing!)

honeymom · 25/06/2010 18:19

Is it a registry office wedding? as you are only allowed a few peopl in the registry office near here (about 20 ) which may be why ? still inexcusable to invite one half of a couple

FabIsGettingFit · 25/06/2010 18:22

When DH and I were planning our wedding I said everyone had to come to the wedding and the reception. None of this half invitation nonsense.

YANBU it is incredibly rude to invite a husband and not the wife. Would have been better if you both were invited to just the evening do if they can't afford to feed you.

HarrietTheSpy · 25/06/2010 19:18

These people need their heads examined.

Honestly. I seriously can't believe that there are people on here that don't think this is a rude thing to do to a married couple/life partner couple. I could see if she were his girlfriend that he hadn't been seeing for very long and they didn't know at all- in that case IMO it's kind of okay. Still can't see why on earth people get the idea that A and B lists are okay but I accept that I am in the UK and won't win the argument on this with lots of people!!