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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have not been invited to DH's friend's wedding

113 replies

whoneedssleepanyway · 25/06/2010 06:56

A good friend of DH is getting married, the invitation arrived yesterday and when we opened we thought how strange they have sent us both our own invitation as there were 2 invitations in there but when we looked DH is invited to the ceremony and reception and I am only invited to the evening do.

I fully appreciate how tricky it can be managing the numbers at weddings and they are expensive too but it definitely isn't about the money as DH's friend earns a lot of money.

I am pretty hacked off as it isn't like I don't know this guy, i worked at the same company as him (as did DH) for 7 years and was in the same department for 3 of those......

I think I am probably being unreasonable as it is their wedding they can do what they want but feel pretty insulted by this and am thinking i am not going to bother going as i hate turning up at weddings when everyone has been there all day....

OP posts:
MunchkinsMumof2 · 25/06/2010 10:09

This happened to us and my dh declined the invite and we booked a holiday instead!

TartyMcFarty · 25/06/2010 10:11

YANBU, how rude.

If it makes you feel any better, I know the son of a family friend invited his own uncle but not his aunt, thinking she probably wouldn't come anyway. Invited me but not (now) DH. This was because he was marrying his very own bridezilla, who was set on a very exclusive and rather small venue.

I declined.

BootyMum · 25/06/2010 10:15

I think it is very unreasonable anyway that people are segregated as guests - some invited to the ceremony, some to the reception, etc. Either you invite guests to your wedding or you don't. It always seems to me that some message is being communicated about the importance of the people invited to the couple getting married and I feel it is just rude. I personally wouldn't bother going as I feel what this couple have done is insulting to you and your DH.

caramelwaffle · 25/06/2010 10:22

Yanbu

GeekOfTheWeek · 25/06/2010 10:23

This is one of the rudest things I have ever heard.

As a couple, dh and i would decline both invites on the basis of it being so fucking rude.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 25/06/2010 10:24

I wouldn't expect DP to be invited to the wedding of a colleague he'd never met - or vice versa tbh. If he was then that'd be super, if not then it's perfectly understandable and I'd have a lovely time with my workmates.

I don't have a problem with A list/B lists though. Well actually I have a big problem with calling them that, but the idea that your close friends and family are invited to the ceremony and reception while all your workmates, pub associates and whatever come to the evening do is fine and completely understandable.

I think the situation in the OP is odd though - reply stating that it'll be too awkward to travel seperately so you'll be declining.

foureleven · 25/06/2010 10:27

This is just plain wierd. I thought it was going to be a thread about DH getting invited to evening do and you not being invited to which i would reply that its their day and fair enough.. but to invite you to evening and DH to day and evening is ridiculous. So you have to travel separately?

MrsC2010 · 25/06/2010 10:27

Very rude, neither of us would be going. You don't differentiate between married couples, if a couple aren't as serious/haven't been together long/you haven't met one half etc then fine.

foureleven · 25/06/2010 10:27

Id make other plans and have DH go to both alone.

traceybath · 25/06/2010 10:30

I agree with Portion - its probably just about numbers.

Its a pain to have to have partners you don't know very well at the expense of actual friends.

I wouldn't be offended at all.

minipie · 25/06/2010 10:35

YANBU

I am not in the "you have to invite spouses" camp. I think it's fair enough, if numbers are limited, just to invite the spouse you know well and not invite the other spouse at all.

However, here they've invited you DH to all day and you just to the evening do. And they know you not just your DH.

That's just weird and very rude of them IMO.

gingernutlover · 25/06/2010 10:59

but traceybath they do know the OP - they worked together for 7 years - I agree you should decline both invites, then they definatly wont ahve a problem with numbers will they!

traceybath · 25/06/2010 11:08

I worked with people though who I wouldn't have invited to my wedding over 'proper' friends.

I doubt its personal - just purely a question of numbers.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 25/06/2010 11:12

It is a bit strange

The only explanation I can think of is that maybe they don't want children there, or don't think children will enjoy the ceremony, and are assuming you will look after the DCs, get a babysitter for the evening and join your DH.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 25/06/2010 11:14

... if that's their reasoning it's a bit sexist to assume you will be the one who has to look after the children, though

I dunno

MrsC2010 · 25/06/2010 11:15

I think deciding to invite work colleagues only to an evening is fine, but not if you invite their husband! At that point it does look very rude and pointed.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 25/06/2010 11:22

Perhaps none of the work spouses are invited to the whole day. Perhaps ideally they'd have invited the OP to the whole thing but if they did that, they'd have had to invite the spouses of all their colleagues, regardless of whether they knew them or not and that would have meant bumping "real" friends off the list.

I don't doubt that some brides and grooms are crap when it comes to drawing up guest lists but by the same token I think many people are just too easily offended.

thumbwitch · 25/06/2010 11:22

I think as others say that it is very unreasonable to expect you to come separately.

However - I do think it's not incumbent upon people to invite OHs if they don't know them at all, or if the couple haven't been together that long. I was invited to a wedding of an old friend and initially DH (he wasn't an H then) wasn't, because neither of the wedding couple had met him and we had only been together for a short while. This was perfectly reasonable - but then the groom met DH and suddenly our invitation was "upgraded". I didn't have a problem with this either.

But if someone NOW invited me and not DH then I would decline.

Rindercella · 25/06/2010 11:33

Did I understand the OP right and the two, separate, invitations were put in just one envelope? If so, that is doubly shocking.

Regardless, it is incredibly rude of them to do this and would personally view it as a snub and wonder what I had done to offend the couple. I would be minded to politely decline both invitations. I just hate people using their wedding as an opportunity to piss people off.

qwertpoiuy · 25/06/2010 11:37

I think that's appalling! I really hope your DH is not going!

maltesers · 25/06/2010 11:39

YANBU . .i think its cheeky, rude and mean.!!

qwertpoiuy · 25/06/2010 11:42

This reminds me of my DD1's 7th birthday party. There are twins in her class, she likes one but not the other. She only wanted to invite the one she liked! I warned her she had to invite both or none.
This would apply to a wedding invite when inviting married couples - you don't incvite one without the other, full stop!

ExitPursuedByABear · 25/06/2010 11:44

The height of rudeness. Don't go!

TheSmallClanger · 25/06/2010 12:11

It is rude. I would make exceptions to the partner rule if it was a small wedding and the couple had never met the partner, or hardly knew them, but there's no such excuse here.

However, I bet it's more thoughtlessness than actual malice.

KittyTN · 25/06/2010 12:19

YANBU

much ruder to invite you to part of the event than not at all.

Since they actually know both of you, you and DH should have had same 'grade' of invite.

I think it is poor show to invite one half of a married couple.

DH was invited solo to a work colleague's UK wedding party (actual marriage in Las Vegas). I was mightly pissed off. DH really wanted to go as he had worked with this guy for several years and gets on well with him. So DH went and it turns out so did a couple of other colleagues minus wives.

Now I think probably wasnt such a bad thing. Still not something I would have considered myself though.