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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have not been invited to DH's friend's wedding

113 replies

whoneedssleepanyway · 25/06/2010 06:56

A good friend of DH is getting married, the invitation arrived yesterday and when we opened we thought how strange they have sent us both our own invitation as there were 2 invitations in there but when we looked DH is invited to the ceremony and reception and I am only invited to the evening do.

I fully appreciate how tricky it can be managing the numbers at weddings and they are expensive too but it definitely isn't about the money as DH's friend earns a lot of money.

I am pretty hacked off as it isn't like I don't know this guy, i worked at the same company as him (as did DH) for 7 years and was in the same department for 3 of those......

I think I am probably being unreasonable as it is their wedding they can do what they want but feel pretty insulted by this and am thinking i am not going to bother going as i hate turning up at weddings when everyone has been there all day....

OP posts:

lazylula · 25/06/2010 19:26

YANBU! Even if you didn't know the couple, only your dh did, it would still be unreasonable not to ask a husband and wife to the whole thing! If you had only been together a short time, so boyfriend/ girlfriend then that may be different, but this is odd. How verey strange!!

lazylula · 25/06/2010 19:26

*very

DandyLioness · 25/06/2010 19:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

unfitmother · 25/06/2010 19:36

Jolly poor form!

purpleduck · 25/06/2010 19:42

I think you should both accept your invites.

Buy them 2 separate pressies. SHE can have a luxury day at a ladies only spa. Get him a can of lynx. I bet they'll instantly understand their mistake

I hate when people use weddings as an excuse to be rude

Original poster

whoneedssleepanyway · 25/06/2010 19:49

Well it is good to know IANBU...!!!

Just to give you a bit more background and put it all in context

Rindercella yes the two invitations did come in one envelope!

DH met this guy when they worked together and I worked there too which was where I met DH. DH left years ago and I then left a few years later and DH has stayed good friends with this guy to the extent that he has been asked as one of 8 guys to go on a very expensive stag weekend which he is going on and has been booked.

To be fair i don't see this guy really anymore but DH does keep up with him.

We think that none of the wives of the particular little group of friends that DH is part of have been invited due to number constrictions, DH says that he did keep going on about numbers being an issue but never outright said they would not be inviting spouses and DH was as shocked as i was.

I am fairly hacked off given the amount DH is shelling out for this stag, and i told DH I would only go if he declines the ceremony and reception. DH isn't sure what to do as he does count this guy as a good friend. I imagine he will go and i won't, and to make matters worse it is the day before our wedding anniversay and DH will probably have to stay somewhere near the wedding.

Hey ho, am not going to waste any more time getting bothered about this and will suggest to DH we just buy them a spatula or an egg cup off their wedding gift list....

OP posts:

ravenAK · 25/06/2010 19:53

I think I'd accept, for both of us, for the evening, & send a note politely explaining that it wouldn't be practical for us to travel separately, so dh wasn't going to be able to make the service/meal. Terribly sorry.

It is rude, but unless they do in fact have reason to be excluding you, probably absent-minded rather than malicious.

Alternatively, if nice town, I'd send dh off to the day do, go shopping, & arrive freshly pampered & ready to party for the evening do, having avoided all the boring stuff! Doesn't sound too bad at all, actually.

LeQueen · 25/06/2010 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iamanewmum31 · 25/06/2010 20:18

I agree with ravenAK. Write a letter stating that you will both only go to the reception. It is selfish to invite one part of a couple. My friend whose wedding I attended alone often speaks (too much) of their choice not to invite other halfs. She gos on about what a wonderful day they had but harps on about the invite choice too much (guilt).

QSincognitoErgoSum · 25/06/2010 20:30

Goodness me these people have no tact, have they. Your background information makes it even WORSE. Your husband is such a good friend, yet his wife (you) is trash? Not good enough to accompany your husband on the day?

If I were your husband, I would decline both the stag do and the wedding invitation. I would not remain friends with such a dickhead.

DandyLioness · 25/06/2010 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Monty100 · 25/06/2010 20:41

YANBU - I wouldn't go to any of it. I would be reviewing the friendship as I would find this behaviour highly insulting and whoever decided this would be acceptable is a prick.

muminthemiddle · 25/06/2010 23:13

YANBU-Don't know what to suggest really!

gtamom · 26/06/2010 00:04

Yanbu. That is rude in my eyes. Hope you guys just attend the evening event, and then head to a nice hotel for a wonderful celebration of your own anniversary.

thumbwitch · 26/06/2010 00:55

I think it would be reasonable for you to both go to the evening only, tbh - then if you do have to stay away, you can use it as a good forerunner for your wedding anniversary!

TartyMcFarty · 26/06/2010 08:19

I can't understand the justification that it's a numbers game in the first place. If the venue is so small that you have to exclude halves of couples like this, then either don't invite those people at all, or bloody well book a bigger venue. If cost is the issue, then book something you can better afford.

Think we need a Mumsnet guide to wedding etiquette. I'm beginning to realise from all the wedding threads that pop up on here that there are lots of ill-mannered, egocentric fuckwits in this country.

YANBU, and I would be pissed off at my DH if he went without me under these circumstances.

DinahRod · 26/06/2010 08:45

The thoughtlessness of the B&G should not spoil your own wedding anniversary.

I would do as RavanAk suggests and "accept, for both of us, for the evening, & send a note politely explaining that it wouldn't be practical for us to travel separately, so dh wasn't going to be able to make the service/meal. Terribly sorry."

Gubbins · 26/06/2010 08:48

Dear god. Never mind bridezillas, I never realised there were so many guestzillas out there. Your husband is the groom's good friend, you are not. The venue (for the ceremony?) Is very small, and your husband has been given plenty of warning that space would be an issue. You have not been singled out, the same arrangement is in place for all the groom's other good friends, and presumably the bride's as well. Why the hell are you insulted? Since when does being married give you any right to be invited to a wedding? Why do you care if you're not close to the couple? And as for issuing ultimatums to your husband?!

Gobsmacked

LadyBiscuit · 26/06/2010 08:54

It's guestzilla to think that it's rude to only invite half a couple? FGS I really have heard it all now. What other social occasion would it be acceptable to only invite one spouse? Seriously, would you do that if you were having a party or something? It's terribly rude.

I really don't see why the normal rules of manners and social conventions don't apply to weddings.

They really do seem to be becoming totally obnoxious events where couples plan what they want the thing to look like first and then worry about the guest list after rather than the other way round which is peculiar. Whenever I organise a party or event, I decide on the guest list first and then choose a venue based on that.

bigfishlittlefishcardboardbox · 26/06/2010 08:58

Don't be pissed off....remember you have to get them a wedding present! How about buying them a goat in Africa for a family (via oxfam) or a magazine subscription to Trainspotters monthly. Understandibly things are still tight for alot of people just now with money so even some lovely ornaments from a charity shop that they will cherrish forever....you know the sort I mean...like a pair of those charming sitting dogs with chains round their necks that all old people have, erm, I mean, every young couple need!

I think it's unbelivably fucking rude. My husbands childhood friend got married a few years back. I'd been with him 7 years and met (tolerated) his (very orange and Gucci obsessed) fiancé a few times. When the invites went out I wasn't even invited! Only legallyvwed spouses were. One of their friends (who was engaged) took the initiative to phone the groom and ask if his fiancé could come and it was fine by him. However being the sort who doesn't like to make a fuss my OH didn't bother!

So fast forward a few years and OH and I are getting married...only we're off to Cuba, and we're paying for the guests, all very close friends went. But guess who I made sure definitely didn't get an invite!

Igglybuff · 26/06/2010 09:00

we did this at our wedding although not for married couples or where we knew the DPs well. We did do it for partners where we didnt know them very well. Numbers were tight at our wedding as was our budget!

But in your case it seems weird/rude/oversight so YANBU

Original poster

whoneedssleepanyway · 26/06/2010 09:12

Gubbins - why are you gobsmacked and what ultimatum have i issued, i haven't said DH can't go, i have simply said i will only go to the evening do if that is what he is doing too i don't want to turn up on my own...as i said in my post he is probably going to go on his own.

I just think it is rude as i do know this guy very well, yes he is my DH's close friend but i know him too.

The venue is not very small but they clearly have a lot of people to invite.

Anyway you are entitled to your opinion of me, maybe i'll change my user name to guestzilla...

bigfish like the idea of the goat, and have a few mis-matched wine glasses i was going to take to the charity shop, maybe i'll wrap those instead..!

OP posts:

ceres · 26/06/2010 09:58

Gobsmacked

erm, it's called manners. it is rude to invite somebody without their partner. in fact etiquette suggests that any single adult is invited plus guest. which is what we did at our wedding.......where numbers were tight and the budget was tighter. many of our single friends and family didn't bring anyone but i do know that they appreciated the thought. and it meant those in the early stages of a relationship could bring their partner.

it is incredibly rude not to invite a long-term partner or spouse.

nickelbabe · 26/06/2010 11:37

hear hear ceres.

i invited +ones for people who i thought wouldn't know anyone (and i didn't know if they had a partner)

everyone elsse had all names on there, including children (just in case they worried that children weren't invited)

the first wedding of a friend i went to, my invitation said just my name, but being obviously quite naive, assumed the ettiquette rule of plus one, and took a friend with me, as i didn't want to walk into the hall not knowing anyone (it was a church hall and a buffet, evening reception only). the bride actually yelled at me in front of everyone for bringing someone with me. he went off to the pub (with some of the other guests, who did know him, as they didn't want to stick around either haing witnessed this) and i had to stay, feeling very upset and angry for the whole evening.
worst event i've ever been to.
(and on top of that, i gave her a really expensive gift, she took it off me very bruskly and didn't even say thank you.)

Shaz10 · 26/06/2010 11:45

This has happened to me but I didn't think anything of it. Just drove up for the evening do.

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