to be considering abortion?

[aimee0211]

ok, so yes I know I am...but can't help thinking about it.

Background info -
I am 19 years old, and 17 weeks pregnant today. I have quit university and have moved back in with my parents (although my mother is less than happy with this arrangement), she has been pushing me towards abortion since she found out when i was 5 weeks.

My grandma has pancreatic cancer and my great-grandma died on monday, which means that timing for something as big as unplanned teenage pregnancy is not ideal.

I have A-level qualifications but no job prospects, no money and nowhere to live. Am currently on the list for council housing, which will be in a horrible area when i get one and will have to go on benefits to pay for it.

My boyfriend and I are still together (barely), he has no qualifications but does go to college full time and is planning on going back for another year in September, meaning he will have no income either and will have to claim benefits.

After feeling my baby moving and buying things for the baby, I don't know if I can go through with an abortion but I don't know whether I can bring a baby into this world in these circumstances.

Sorry it's so long...just really don't know what to do.

Hello Aimee

I just wanted to echo what a lot of people here have said, you probably know in your heart what you want

I truly believe there are very few people who have the luxury of having a baby at the 'perfect' time in their lives and to be honest, something will always be just around the corner. Having children around is hard hard work. It can also be the most rewarding experience and fill you with a joy you never knew could exist.

It sounds to me like you need practical advice more than anything else, you'll get plenty of that here. It might also be worth thinking about working from home opportunities (have you clerical skills etc?)

I'll volunteer more Hugs for you lovey, I've no real care for how un-mumsnet they are, you sound like you could make good use of them.

Aimee,

There's loads of fantastic advice here but your post really moved me so I felt the need to post.

I'm absolutely pro-choice but this has to be your choice and your choice alone.

You sound sensible, level headed, lovely, intelligent. If you want to have this baby I have no doubt that you can do it, as long as you have the right support.

I know it isn't ideal to stay with your Mum, especially as she isn't being overly supportive at the moment but if you can bear it then stay there as long you need to while you get housing sorted.

I have employed someone on a temp contract before when they were five months pregnant. After the baby was born she returned to our company working for a different department so it ended up being the foot in the door she needed. I employed her because she was the right person for the job.

I hope you find an independent person/organisation to talk to - they'll be able to help you make the decision that is right for you.

Your family will come around to the idea of you having a baby if that is what you ultimately decide to do.

Good luck with the interview tomorrow. Have you put your cv in with independent job placement agencies such as ADECO (etc)? I know the job market isn't what it used to be but companies might well be looking for people to do data entry etc on a short term basis.

Aimee I don't know if it is the same everywhere but I know a young woman here who rented privately and the council put up a bond for her instead of deposit so that all she needed to pay was her legal fee.

I know it will be difficult and it is your choice but things have a habit of working them selves out.

dont feel guilty about claiming benefits because that is what they are for, its not like you have got pregnant on purpose just for the sake of claiming something!
just wondering where you are because if you have decided you are going to go ahead with the rest of your pregnancy but you need to get some support and look into practical things like benefits, housing and what you would be entitled to, going back to uni and that kind of thing, if you have a childrens centre near you with a young parents or teenage parents group you can go even while you are pregnant before you have a baby and i think they would be able to give you lots of information and try their best to help you because they are ran by family support workers.

A tenant of mine went on to jobseekers while she was my lodger - her rent was covered.

You're sensible to be considering the practical elements of parenting but you also need to give equal weight to the emotional side. You need to talk these things through with someone to explore the potential impact of your decision either way. Good luck with making a very tough decision.

You are unreasonable to be considering abortion.

Because there is nothing you have said that indicates it is what you want to do.

I feel so sad for you - and angry with those around you who should be supporting YOUR choice! If you have an abortion because you feel others are 'making you', I fear you will regret it for the rest of your life. you may look at your mum and think "if it wasn't for you..." I fear it could easily totally ruin your relationship with her.

She may think she knows what's 'best' for you - but it is your body and your baby and you are the one who has to live with whatever decision you make.

Please disregard what your mother says. Don't do something so lifechanging for someone else. Make your choice for you.

My Mother told me to 'get rid of it' when I told her as DH and I had only been out of uni a couple of years and she said we should concentrate on our careers.

I'll tell you know she worships DS like a little God... sometimes I find it hard to forget the terrible things she said about him even know so I can't begin to think how I would feel if she had managed to force me into an abortion... I'm pretty sure we would never have spoken again TBH.

When the baby is born your Mum will love him/her but would you be able to love your Mum if she pushes you into something so final as this?

I agree with other posters in that I think if you had really not wanted this baby at all you would have had an abortion long ago when it would have been easier to organise and far less traumatic.An abortion at your stage of pregnancy would be really grim.You are nearly half way through,if you continued with the pregnancy but decided later that you honestly couldn't cope then I think that having your baby adopted would be less awful than a termination at this late stage.However as it seems as though you do want your baby but are having understandable fears about it all,then I think you should try and focus on the positives and go through with it.Even women having planned babies at the "perfect" time feel can feel a wobble about it all,it is a huge responsibility,you wouldn't be very sensible if you weren't worried about it.I think the situation would be very different if your mother was more supportive,and I'm sorry that she isn't behind you,but she will fall in love with the baby if you have him/her (as will you btw).If you want to have the baby then you will find a way through it .You can't imagine now the joy that babies bring you,but it is wonderful as well as difficult,really good fun as well as challenging.You are not the first woman in this situation,and you will cope if you have to.If any part of you doesn't want the abortion then you will spend your life regretting it,so don't make a decision based on panic or on current circumstances,as those things are in flux,but your baby,once gone,is gone for ever.I am sure that things will fall into place,and that your mother will be much kinder as your pregnancy progresses,there is help and support out there for young mothers.I have had my babies at the other end of the spectrum,and the teenage mothers I've met have amazed me.I also have friends who were in your situation,now they have beautiful grown up daughters,it all works out in the end.

Aimee if it is mainly finances that are really worrying you then maybe a friend of yours could set up a thread here asking if anyone could help out at all towards a deposit on a flat? I would happily send you a tenner through paypal,and if a load of women on here sent you a pound appiece or whatever,then you might have something that would help? Just a thought.

Aimee, just hopped over from our AN thread and am also sending some big hugs to you. As others have said, it looks like you know what you want to do, but your Mum's attitude coupled with the various practical
issues you've listed are panicking you. It is a shame you're Mum is being so unsupportive, however you have to do what is best for you. If she comes round and chooses to be more supportive, that's great, but if not you need to have some support network around you. Others have posted some links to some good sites you could explore. Children's Centres are also a good source of support. There is no reason you can't still finish uni if that is what you want to do.

I don't think you should feel guilty for claiming benefits, or for having the perfectly understanable concerns that you do. You can chat anytime on the AN thread as well.

Take care x

Hi Aimee,

You sound like your in a bad situation my love, with very little impartial help or support that would clear your mind. Have you any friends you can talk to, that are likely to be supportive of whatever choice you make?

I can understand why you would want an abortion considering your current situation, but if you do want the baby, take comfort in the fact that the things you are worried about, housing, financial, relationship with your mum etc are all things that will change over time, and that if you do have the baby, it is unlikely to give a shit about any of these things, only that it is fed and loved. I waited til i was late 20's to have my DD, to have everything 'perfect' - when DD was born I couldnt believe I waited that long when her needs were so basic. There are worse things to happen than a baby, and the likelihood is, your mother will realise this when the baby is born and support you more. By the time the baby is in fulltime school, you will still be young, and can have a career. Sometimes it can be more difficult when you already have a career established and have children (thats another thread entirely ).

But if your feelings are that you simply are not ready to be a mother and dont actually want the baby in addition to your circumstances, that is a valid choice too. Just dont base your choice on just your circumstances, factor in your feelings too. I made the choice not to continue with my pregnancy when I was your age, as I just was not ready to become a mother, I do feel a great sadness about it now, but I cant say it was the wrong decision.
I hope you dont think this is crass, but I would definately be prepared to help you if you put a thread up too, perhaps for a bond etc.

Also, if you make the choice not to keep the baby, dont feel you will not find support here.

I had a pregnancy scare at your age also. I was in my second year at Uni and my BF told me that if I had the baby he'd hate me and it. My mum said that if I was pg I should hav an abortion, pretend nothing had happened.
But I knew then as I knew now that would be impossible. I wasn't pg at the time but if I had been, I'd have had it against everyone's advice, simply because I already loved the idea of it, and from that followed the love for it itself.
Follow your heart. It will be ok. There is so much help out there for single mums. Don't do something you regret. You will never regret your child's birth, but you may regret its termination.

I think people on this thread should be a bit careful about dissing Aimee's mum. Aimee herself has said that her family are in upheaval due to bereavment at the moment, and I am sure her level-headed, sensible attitude is partly due to good parenting!

It sounds as though her mum is simply worried on her behalf and is trying to be persuasive for her perception of Aimee's benefit, but I am sure that if Aimee does decide to have the baby, her attitude will soften.

Fwiw I had a termination at 15 weeks aged 16. It was the right decision for me and I never think about it now at all. So it doesnt always have to be a regret or a trauma. Whatever you decide sweetheart then good luck.

If you are already 17 weeks, with NHS waiting lists an abortion is unlikely to happen before 20 weeks. Others may know more than me on this but I thought the NHS didn't fund 20+ week abortions unless for abnormalities or other extreme cases?

I agree with other posters that I think you should have all the information about possibly continuing at uni before making a decision. If you have already dropped out and have no job prospects, what are you going to do if you dont have the baby?

How are you feeling today, Aimee?

If you are 17 weeks and want an abortion they will in MOST cases hurry the refferral along.

Honeywitch, that's a very good point.

Aimee, your mum may take a very different view of things were it not for the other things going on in your lives at the moment. She sounds as though she is a good mum to bring up such a level headed daughter. If you want to keep your baby then I know you cannot count on it but I think it is fairly likely that your mum would be supportive.

OP, I had two pregnancies and 2 babies as a student at uni. It CAN be done.

You should be entitled to housing benefit and council tax beneift. Maybe look into it.

Sorry to hear your going through this.

I haven't any advice to offer but just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and sending more hugs.

It seems to me that you are taking a remarkably mature and level-headed approach to a very difficult and emotional situation. Whatever you decide you'll have thought it through very carefully.

It sounds very sensible to wait until after the funeral to make any decisions. This is so much more than anyone should have to cope with at once but you are doing really well.

No you are not being unreasonable, but don't be pressured into it by your mother or your fornow boyfriend. There's a lot at stake and your grandma is ill so that makes it even harder to make a decision.