to be considering abortion?

[aimee0211]

ok, so yes I know I am...but can't help thinking about it.

Background info -
I am 19 years old, and 17 weeks pregnant today. I have quit university and have moved back in with my parents (although my mother is less than happy with this arrangement), she has been pushing me towards abortion since she found out when i was 5 weeks.

My grandma has pancreatic cancer and my great-grandma died on monday, which means that timing for something as big as unplanned teenage pregnancy is not ideal.

I have A-level qualifications but no job prospects, no money and nowhere to live. Am currently on the list for council housing, which will be in a horrible area when i get one and will have to go on benefits to pay for it.

My boyfriend and I are still together (barely), he has no qualifications but does go to college full time and is planning on going back for another year in September, meaning he will have no income either and will have to claim benefits.

After feeling my baby moving and buying things for the baby, I don't know if I can go through with an abortion but I don't know whether I can bring a baby into this world in these circumstances.

Sorry it's so long...just really don't know what to do.

As Morloth says, please don't feel any guilt about claiming benefits. It's what they're there for and it really won't be forever.

Obviously I don't know what the situation is where you live, but when I first had my son I had a council flat on one of the area's least desirable estates. One of my friends cried when she saw it, another hadn't allowed her child to go and visit a school friend because they lived there and I remember yet another friend actually being jumpy when she visited (goodness knows what she thought was going to happen in my sitting room!).

But honestly, it really wasn't bad at all (I do appreciate that I was lucky on this score). My neighbours were lovely and there was a real sense of community. Give it a few years and the chances are you'll be in a position to move if you want to - I really wouldn't worry about your child falling in with the wrong crowd before the age of 5

Now, I think I may be stepping way out of line here but if you do decide to go ahead with this pregnancy and set up home, I think you should do so as a single mother. You need to have the flat in your name and the money in your hand. I don't mean that you should exclude your BF but your priority must be you and your child. By all means keep the door open for him, keep him involved. But if he wants to play happy families with you then he needs to prove that he's up to the job.

Good luck, btw. You really do sound as if you've got your head screwed on.

Persnickety that's another reason I feel guilty, after being on the antenatal thread for so long, seeing other women lose their babies and seeing yourself and others go through worries about the babies health when you really want the baby and are in a great position to give the baby a good life - and here I am with a perfectly healthy baby so far (touch wood) and wanting to throw it away....lots of conflicting emotions.

It's a long story about uni but trying to cut it short I practically failed my first year through poor attendance and not handing in assignments (down to depression about 3 months before I fell pregnant) but then just before I found out I was pregnant I was given another chance to get back on track but then I found out and had no interest in doing the work because of the shock, being scared etc. So my tutor said I would be better to withdraw than to wait to be kicked off the course. So I have withdrawn but have every intention of re-applying September 2011.

Everyone's situation is different, you have no need to feel guilty that you have different worries than other women. Same for benefits. Obviously you (and your BF) did bring this on yourselves but it's no-one's 'fault'.
If you deep down want the baby I think you should keep it and start making plans. Agree with whoever said you should assume you are a single mum and include your BF as much as he/you want him to be (is he younger than you?)
I think you'd be a fantastic mum

Crumpette your story is actually really very sad, I'm very glad that you ignored the horrible things your GM said and did what was right for you.

Aimee, I always believe in the saying 'you don't regret what you do do, only what you don't do'. Having a baby will be hard yes, but you are nearly halfway through the pg already and you do have support from the IL's. You don't sound at all like you want an abortion, only that you need support.

I haven't had a chance to read the whole thread, but I would definitely say that if you're unsure of bringing up the baby, but don't really want an abortion, please consider the option of putting the baby up for adoption.

My husband and I looked into adopting a while back as we were having issues getting pregnant and were shocked to find that we wouldn't be able to adopt a healthy baby in the UK as no white healthy babies are put up for adoption these days - a lot of people who end up putting kids up for adoption keep the kids until they start growing up and getting more problematic, so there are a lot of older children with bad backgrounds up for adoption, and babies with disablities, but hardly ever a healthy white baby (we're white and you can't adopt outside of your ethnic group easily).

I never had an abortion, but I had a close friend that did and she ended up really regretting it later. Unfortunately she wasn't very stable mentally and the abortion led to a lot of problems for her. I'm not saying that would happen for you (and I am pro-choice fwiw) but I wouldn't under-estimate how traumatic a late abortion would be to you.

It's very tough and different from the lifestyle your peers have, but people do go to Uni with babies and children. Don't feel that your life has to stop if you have a baby - the more work you do towards getting a good career and furthering yourself, the better for the baby anyway IMO.

Oh darling. I feel for you. I was never in your situation but I did have a "scare" and my BF at the time told me that he wanted me to have an abortion and would not support me at all. I kicked him to the curb immediately.

I can't really give you advice, but it seems you have been saying that you really want to keep him/her. If that's the case I think you should. I had a friend who felt the same but in the end decided to go ahead with the abortion. It was really, really hard for her to live with it for years.

Whatever your decision, though, please know we are here for you. Is there anything specific you need?

I'd never want to pressurise you, but hope you don't mind me sharing my own experience. I was ten years older than you when I got pregnant and it was planned, but like you I was going through hell. My gran died, my DP lost his job, my dad was diagnosed with cancer, my best mate had a breakdown and I became so ill during the pregnancy that I almost had no choice but to have an abortion and ended up suicidal - and then DD was born. I never once for a single, teeny weeny second regretted having continued with the pregnancy. DD made all the hell completely 110% worth it all.

Good luck. I know MN doesn't really do hugs but can I offer you one?

I wouldn't dream of telling you what to do and it must be entirely you own decision, however you are only 19 and if you did have an abrtion you could continue with uni get yourself on your feet and then have a baby when the situation is better for you BUT you know what you want to do deep down so go with your gut feeling, if it was ME I would certainly think about an abortion but I am not you so it must be your decision not anyones here x

Hugs are definitely welcome as I don't get them in RL

ALL advice is also welcome, whether it be for/against/ or just generally supportive and not giving an opinion, as this thread has been the most support I have had in the whole pregnancy.

Thanks everyone

Hi i was in a similar position to you but instead of uni i was studying in 6 form. Found out i was pregnant at 16 family members were pushing for abortion i ended up goin for one and running away at the last minute and gave birth to him at 17 hes 6 now we dont have alot of money but hes fed and clean and has so much love wich are the main things. Of course its up to you but plz dont just do it because its what family members want you need to have a real big think and decide what you and nobody else wants. Best of luck in wichever path you take x

I know iv not been through this but by the sounds of your posts you know deep down what you want to do. Just don't do something you'll regret forthe rest of your life! Hope everything is sorted out for you! hugs xx

I think this is a decision you should talk to doctors, friends, partner or family about.

I fell pregnant with my wee boy at 15 and he is now 6 finishing primary 1 and my biggest achievement in life to date!!

2 weeks ago was offered my dream job and yesterday found out im expecting again and im 7 weeks!! Im a single parent and i admit its hard but everyone makes different decisions in life.

for instance my friend had an abortion recently but i couldnt consider it at all

Oh amy, big hug((())))

you're right only you can decide what's best for you and your baby. I would ask you you consider these questions, yes or no would you want to/feel you could have the baby?

Money no object?
No partner?
You'd finished uni?
You knew it would all be ok?

I think you will say yes to them all, nothing on that list should stop you from having your baby. There are so many woman that do it and do it very well!

There is also nothing wrong in doubting you're doing the right thing, just proves you understand exactly what is involved!

Oh honey

Forgetting what anyone else thinks, there is really just one question here:

A few months in the future, which would be the better (or least bad) situation to YOU: to have a baby, or to have had an abortion?

No one can answer that except you.

There will be plenty of women who will say "I had the baby and it was definitely the right decision". There will be plenty of others who say "I had an abortion and it was the right thing for me and I don't regret it". (I am one of them). My point is, you can't really go on others' experience.

The real question is, how do YOU feel about abortion, and how do YOU feel about becoming a mum?

One was of testing how you really feel is to imagine the decision was already made one way or the other. For example, imagine you woke up tomorrow and you had already booked an abortion. How would you feel? Upset, or relieved?

To be honest, I think most people when in this situation know deep down what they really truly want. If you do know, then that is what you should do - regardless of others' views.

Sending you lots and lots of un-mumsnetty hugs.

Just a positive story for you, I did the first year of my degree as a single mum, my DD was 16 months when I started.

Im now 17 weeks pregnant with my second - and due in the middle of my final year...

you can do this

you can

Arrangements such as what? If there is more I can do then I will, I am already on the housing list locally but my circumstances mean that I am basically last on the priority list as they don't count pregnancy until you are 29 weeks, I will then be bumped up to Band 2 priority (still not top, so no guarantee of getting somewhere, especially as my mum's house has 4 bedrooms and there are my mum, her DH, me and my 13 year old sister, meaning there is space here and the council will take this into account).

I have an interview in the morning for Job Seekers Allowance at the job centre, and would happily take a job for now but as I am already showing I think it will be difficult to get work.

Is there something else I could be doing?

Aimee you're mum could always kick you out in the meantime that would bump you up the list.

You could privately rent, and claim housing benefit, council tax benefit, income support or job seekers..
become a student you will get student loans, grants, bursarys, child care grants paid for by your LEA (up to 80%) then your university will normally stump up the next 20%

Kick your boyfriend to the kirb, he sounds like a fuck muppet.

I had a baby at 19, yes it was hard, but I have managed to sort out a great house for her and I, do two years of my degree, meet an amazing man who loves us both, and we are having a baby.

I am 17 weeks pregnant like you... I feel my baby kick and wiggle in my belly, yu said you want it, but its external pressure... get away from them, like pernickity said, your mother sounds toxic.

You sound like a very intelligent, compassionate girl. You sound like someone who will do your best for everyone concerned.

My life circumstances have changed beyond recognition when I had a baby, but i would not change it for the world.

Aimee-

I dont think posting on a forum for mothers is the best idea- all/ most of us have made the decision to have children/ are ttc, so I think there may be a little bias here towards keeping it.

My advice would be not to listen to anyone else's experience of abortion/ having children, as your experience may be completely different. There is no way of knowing what shape your life will take with either decision (or adopion?)

Please get some professional help from a counseller.

You are still very young, with twenty year's worth of childbearing years ahead of you. Ultimately, this is a decision that affects only you. It is not a baby yet.

Wishing you all the luck in the world.

aimee, sorry about my previous post, I somehow missed the bit where you said "deep down I want to keep it".

So - where I said most people know deep down what they really truly want, and that is what they should do - that means you should keep it.

Practicalities-wise it sounds like you are doing pretty well already - you do sound very sensible and together. I'd say, speak to your mum as much as possible, and your partner, about how things will work in the future. See if you can figure out what your mum's attitude would be if the baby were already here.

aimee ive posted on your thread too xx

if you wanna talk, go onto facebook group

here

and I can add you as a friend, if you need some one to talk to.

If you really did not want to keep your baby you wouldn't have waited this long.
Get some advice from connections. You do not have to live on a bad area. You can rent from a private landlord. You will need to claim benefits for a while but that is what they are there for. Consider your options for further education there are lots of ways to do this and your DM will probably be more supportive when she has time to come to terms with things.
My DD got pregnant at 15 had a baby on her 16th birthday. Now at 24 she has her own home, successful business. If you want to you can make things work many mums have to work or study.
Good luck

We can't privately rent as we can't afford the money up front (can be costs up to a grand) but have looked into everything you suggested already. Am starting to claim Job Seekers from tomorrow (hopefully, if they will let me due to my last student loan only being paid in 2 months ago). Can't claim Income Support until 29 weeks pregnant, and can't claim housing benefit or council tax benefit until I have a house which looks like it is going to be a while...although having my mother kick me out would bump me up the list the advisors told me that I would have to be prepared to live in a hostel for as long as it took for them to get me somewhere which I am not prepared to do having looked round one (wouldnt leave my dog there it was disgusting) although I understand beggars can't be choosers.

I think I am going to wait until after the funeral (tuesday) to go to the doctors, even though I know this decision needs to happen sooner rather than later, but dont want to rush into it either.