to be considering abortion?

[aimee0211]

ok, so yes I know I am...but can't help thinking about it.

Background info -
I am 19 years old, and 17 weeks pregnant today. I have quit university and have moved back in with my parents (although my mother is less than happy with this arrangement), she has been pushing me towards abortion since she found out when i was 5 weeks.

My grandma has pancreatic cancer and my great-grandma died on monday, which means that timing for something as big as unplanned teenage pregnancy is not ideal.

I have A-level qualifications but no job prospects, no money and nowhere to live. Am currently on the list for council housing, which will be in a horrible area when i get one and will have to go on benefits to pay for it.

My boyfriend and I are still together (barely), he has no qualifications but does go to college full time and is planning on going back for another year in September, meaning he will have no income either and will have to claim benefits.

After feeling my baby moving and buying things for the baby, I don't know if I can go through with an abortion but I don't know whether I can bring a baby into this world in these circumstances.

Sorry it's so long...just really don't know what to do.

From the sounds of it I think that if you had a support network behind you then you keep the baby, it's just a shame that your Mum isn't being more supportive, does your boyfriend want the baby? Never have a termination if you are not 100% certain, you will spend your life regretting it otherwise.

There is no reason at all why you can not go back to universtity when your baby is born, you could contact the university that you was attending, explain your circumstances and just tell them that you want a year out. If you don't want to or cant live your Mum then yes you may be housed in a shitty area but it's not forever is it? You can get your degree and then get yourself a good job. I know that there are a lot of benefits that would be available to you so you wouldn't have to really struggle, Universities also offer nursery facilities which you can get government help to pay for. Although the choice is entirely yours you do have other options and you can still make something of yourself if you do have the baby. A friend of mine got pregnant at 15, left school with no GCSES, her and her baby were placed in a high rise flat in an inner city area at 16, her boyfriend left her - she is now in her 30's, owns her own house and is a doctor - she has done all of this herself with no support from her family. Good luck in whatever you decide to do, but remember, don't let anyone push you into something you don't want.

Agree with Romilly70

And by the way, I dropped out of uni for a year and went back and changed course and graduated - it's quite common. I also have a friend who did uni as a single mum, but she did it slowly. She earns more than me now! lol

It does sound like bf was panicking, but boys are less mature than girls, as you know.

And I am sure your mum will come round - she is probably feeling a bit upset about the bereavements, as well as about your course and trying to protect your interests as she sees them at the moment. if you do decide to have the bay she will come round - but she knows she will have to be more support than your bf and his mum in practical terms so she is probably trying to get used to the whole idea.

Huge hugs Aimee - as many others have said, it's really only a question you can answer for yourself. Professionals can be amzing though in helping you to really get to the bottom of how you feel about it, so again I'd echo the advice of seeking some counselling.

I had an early termination when I was 21 and at uni and that was absolutely the right thing for me. I never thought twice about it either before or since. However an early one is a totally different kettle of fish to a late one, which as someone else mentioned can be (not always though) quite physically, as well as emotionally traumatic.

As you know because we're ante-natal thread buddies, I am the same stage of pregnancy as you and at this point I'm finding the idea of me having a termination is almost instinctively horrific, even though I have no moral objections to it. I'd caution against just doing what your mum wants you to do and instead getting professional help to work out what it really is that you will be happier with.

Good luck x

I hope you are ok Aimee.What a difficult situation to be in.

Nobody can make the decision for you, but I just wanted to say that I did have a termination years ago and I regretted it immediately and every day since... I hope you make the right decision.xx

Do you have a young persons sexual health clinic near you? I was 17 when I found out I was pregnant, and they offered me an "Options" session, which I took, and the contacts for both courses of action.

Are you seeing a midwife? They should also be able to advise you if you do decide to terminate. And - this will sound horrible, but it must be said - if you decide that is what you want to do, you need to do it in the next two-three weeks, or it will be horrible for you.

Having a baby in your circumstances are not ideal, its true, but it is possible. Its not the end of your education, you can defer, and most unis have a creche or nursery on site (although some won't take children under 2). Boyfriend sounds like a twonk, tbh, but he may change entirely.

As for your mum... Its hard, isn't it? All I can tell you is that nearly everyone thought I was dong the wrong thing by keeping my baby. But now he is here, they all adore him.

You have to decide what is right for you - bugger everyone else. x

There is no reasonable or unreasonable choice in this Aimee. Just what you feel is best. Do try and talk to a professional about this, I believe someone linked to Marie Stopes earlier.

Whatever you decide though it will work out ok. Look after yourself and don't rush into anything.

Just for the sake of balance I want to say that I had a termination when I was younger and it was fine, not traumatic at all and I never even think about it now.

Only you know what is right for you, as others have said.

Not coming across "woe is me" at all. Pregnancy is a big deal regardless of your circumstances.

Don't listen to anyone else. Do what YOU want, which deep down you probably know? It won't be easy either way but it may not be as bad as you think either.

If you had a best mate in this situation, what would you advise her to do? This might be the answer you need to hear yourself...

Good luck whatever x

It sounds like your family are going through a tough time anyway but dont feel guilty or base your decision on that. Its your life and it needn't be any kind of burden on your mother if she doesn't want it to be - you can completely go it alone if you want with state support. You can get a house, claim benefits, then have your education and childcare paid for, and launch a career for yourself as your child starts school, boyfriend or not, and be on your way to a good existence by your early to mid twenties which is more than some people manage to achieve without children but with faffing around.

If that sounds grabby, fine, but one of the good things about our welfare state is that we dont have to be pushed into decisions that might blight our lives forever (abortion, adoption, or indeed keeping an unwanted child) because of what's going on in our mother's head, for instance. That IS a good thing, even if it does cost the nation, but if you do study and forge a career for yourself later, you will pay it back in tax and your general contribution to society.

Your mother is mentioning abortion because she probably just wants the problem to go away, rather than the pregnancy. If you were to abort and the pregnancy were gone, there would probably still be some problems, if nothing else, perhaps with your relationship with your mother. I know there are other factors than her but you mentioned her in your first sentence, so it must be playing a reasonable part.

Get some counselling, give your mum some space, and be kind to yourself.

YANBU.

Deep down I want to keep it...but my mum has some really valid points that up until recently I have ignored and thought that by ignoring it everything would be fine.

The reason i made the 'woe is me' comment is that I know this whole thing is my own fault and that I brought it upon myself...and if I was reading this I would think that she shouldn't have got herself in this mess and now is going to claim benefits/get a council house because of her own carelessness...I have a real feeling of guilt about that.

Also I feel guilty about what type of life the baby will have, being brought up in a horrible area, around some horrible people (not all - before I offend anyone), without a stable income or stable relationship between the parents...

But I do want this baby, just under different circumstances...so I guess that means I should keep it

Sweetheart your baby will be brought up by a wonderful caring mother. That matters so much more.

No your situation isn't ideal, but I think that if you feel you really want it, then it would be worse for you to abort. I know practical things matter, but this goes a little beyond that.

Deep down I want to keep it. Then you really should.

Life is messy, no-one has the "perfect" life.

You can't ignore the hard stuff, but you can deal with it.

Also I want to thank everyone for their advice and support - would not get this in RL (other than from a professional I mean) as evryone I know has a biased opinion because they know me.

All of the posts have been really helpful and I do really appreciate it, and it has changed my view of MN in general (which I personally find at times can be needlessly bitchy) but everyone has been great so thanks alot.

Even vipers have a heart.

You sound like you've got a good head on you.

Also, your mum might not be desperately supportive now, but no doubt she will love the baby when it arrives. Having a baby need not stop your education. Whether you're with the baby's father or not (he sounds a little immature but only you know if he's worth staying with), I'm sure you can still build a good life for your family.

Are your boyfriends parents in a position to help out at all?

TBH, if you do want the baby then you should.

And of course if you have it and change your mind then there is adoption.

Boyfriends parents have been buying bits with their shopping and so have been helping in that way. His mum is really interfering (he is a real mummys boy) and she has been doing my head in since the big argument last week.

There is no room in their house for me to stay there and -now don't quote me on this- but I think they are claiming benefits and she works as a child minder so other than them buying bits and bobs each week I don't think they are financially in a position to help - not that I would expect them to.

My 18 year old niece has just had a baby. We all wondered how on earth she would cope and thought that she would be stuck in a rut forever.

In fact she is doing brilliantly - back to college where she is training to be a beautician, working part time in a call centre, got rid of the useless boyfriend (not saying this is your case) and got a very nice new boyfriend.

The family have naturally come round and love the baby, as yours would too. We have had to eat our words, and are very happy to do so!

Not trying to persuade you either way, but if you want the baby, your situation can work out. Good luck - you sound like you would make a lovely mum.

Just be sure that if you do stay with your boyfriend you don't end up carrying dead weight. If he is going to be part of things he needs to man up and sort himself out as well.

If you are going to continue the pregnancy and you currently live with your Mum you need to tell her that that is it, it is no longer up for discussion.

There is nothing wrong with sing benefits as a leg up in a difficult situation. That is what they are for. Is your BF's mother a registered CM? That could be a great help for getting you back to school when you are ready.

I had my DD before I finished uni, having a child does not stop you from competing university (and I didn't even have A levels!)

19 is not a 'teen pregnancy' age really, and I think your mum is not fully considering this. She just sees you as her baby and sees the plan she had for you, and to her a baby perhaps shouldn't feature for a few years yet, but it's not like you're 12, you're a responsible adult.

When I was pregnant with DD I was told by my grandmother to 'get rid of it' and 'why on earth aren't you having an abortion.. you're ruining your life'

I am so glad I ignored them all. DD brought such joy and purpose to my life. I finished my degree and have worked in a good job and I am so pleased that I had the opportunity to have such a wonderful little girl in my life.

Please don't despair, there is so much help out there. You can stay at uni, lots even have nurseries on the premises. Please stay strong and keep going

Aimee, this is possibly a bit of a long shot. But, could you get nanny qualifications (at least first aid and a basic childcare course) before the baby is born? Then you could be a nanny and take the baby with you. It might help you earn a living while you sort out where to live, whether there is a future for you and BF, get you away from your mum, etc. etc.

You would probably have to take a job for minimum wage with no experience and a baby to bring with you, but you would have no childcare costs.

It does sound to me as though you want this baby, just in different circumstances. But lots of people have babies in less than ideal circumstances. I wish I wasn't 40 and worrying about Down Syndrome. But I am. Not ideal. But it will be okay.

How long since you quit Uni?

Could you look into that again?

Also when I was pregnant my family cut me out of their wills, stopped helping financially, made my life very difficult but luckily they were far away,I had interviews I couldn't attend, exams I delayed, etc etc. I often thought' Oh I wish I could be pregnant just NOT right now' but what made me stop and think was that there may never be 'a right time' to have a baby. What if, in 5 years, you are training for something, or you aren't with your boyfriend, or you have nowhere to live.. you may want a baby but it won't be a right time.. or in 10 years, different circumstances.

Please listen to what you are saying. You are saying you want to keep it in your posts. Listen to that.

When I was younger my best friend (older than me) got pregnant and asked my advice. I regret the advice I gave her, her boyfriend was a loser, they had split up, she wasn't happy, and I told her to go through with the abortion. I was only 19 when I have this advice. She has never forgiven me for it and has been very depressed following her decision.

Good luck for the future, there's a lot of support out there x