to be considering abortion?

[aimee0211]

ok, so yes I know I am...but can't help thinking about it.

Background info -
I am 19 years old, and 17 weeks pregnant today. I have quit university and have moved back in with my parents (although my mother is less than happy with this arrangement), she has been pushing me towards abortion since she found out when i was 5 weeks.

My grandma has pancreatic cancer and my great-grandma died on monday, which means that timing for something as big as unplanned teenage pregnancy is not ideal.

I have A-level qualifications but no job prospects, no money and nowhere to live. Am currently on the list for council housing, which will be in a horrible area when i get one and will have to go on benefits to pay for it.

My boyfriend and I are still together (barely), he has no qualifications but does go to college full time and is planning on going back for another year in September, meaning he will have no income either and will have to claim benefits.

After feeling my baby moving and buying things for the baby, I don't know if I can go through with an abortion but I don't know whether I can bring a baby into this world in these circumstances.

Sorry it's so long...just really don't know what to do.

Dont apologise Aimee, there are plenty of people on here who can offer support.

Its just that AIBU section on MN is a bit of a bun fight with gloves off.

Thanks for all the advice - I understand this is a difficult subject and obviously an individual case.

Talking with my mum is not an option - as I said she is still pushing the abortion whereas my boyfriend and his family are completely for keeping the baby - so both conversations will be completely one sided.

As for talking to a professional I can kind of see why it would be beneficial but at the same time all they can say is that it is my choice and that I have to make the decision (which is true but doesn't really help me to make the decision).

But I do appreciate all the help and advice from you all.

It sounds as if it is only circumstances which make you think of abortion.
There are so namy possibilities - go back to Uni and talk to the student counsellor and welfare service. If you stayed on a a student, maybe they can help with accommodation? Have you been to CAB and checked all your options? I think studying while you have a baby could set you in good staed to begin a career when the nursery grant kicks oin at 3, and you will still be young, young, young!
Do you know any other young mothers?

As it happens, I never think it is unreasonable for a woman to consider any choice she may make regarding her body, but you don't sound as if you really DON'T want the baby, rather that if all the issues facing you could be solved, you would like your baby.

If someone waved a magic wand and said 'here you go, flat, childcare, course and career', would you still feel you were not ready for a baby?

Really sorry to hear about your grandma and great grandma.

I was in a less than idea situation when I got pg with DD, though I was a little bit older at 22. The last 7 years have not been easy, there have been times when I have not been able to afford to feed myself having spent the last of my money on food for DD, and literally gone weeks hardly eating, and had to steal nappies out of supermarket changing rooms otherwise DD would have had a bare arse. But now she is six and I run a business, live in a nice house and I'm OK for money and have a decent standard of living. It won't be easy, don't be under any illusions that it will be, but one thing I knew from the moment I saw my DD was that I loved her more than life itself and I would do anything for her. She made me grow up in a lot of ways and made me a better person. And she is a very contented, loving child who is doing well at school and is generally a very happy little soul. I have never once regretted having her. You sound like an intelligent girl and I'm sure you will make the right decision for you - as others have said there are other options to consider. Good luck.

It can be quite daunting to think of the changes ahead when you are pregnant, particularly when you have recently been bereaved and talking to an impartial counsellor in real life will help you to sort out your feelings, and whether you genuinely do or don't want to carry on with your pregnancy. Hopefully get some coping strategies in place for you as well, whatever you decide.

These people have local face to face and telephone services. HTH

Just saw your latest post Aimee. A decent professional counsellor won't try and tell you what to do but they might ask some questions that make you think about your situation in a different way. Also it is nice to talk to someone that hasn't got their own agenda to push. That has been my experience anyway.

yes, but professionals should be able to clearly take you through what you need to think about as well as pointing you in the right direction for other info, e.g. how easy it will be to do a degree with a baby.
For example in your position I'd be considering:
-the physical side of an abortion
-finances
-relationship and single parenting
etc
I'm sure you've thought of all of these but it can help to talk it through with someone impartial. As you say, families are biased, you know their views I don't think there's any more to be gained, they obviously don't want what's best for you.

FWIW I agree with the others who say you sound like given half a chance you'd be really excited about a baby. You are 17 not 13. All finance/housing/education problems are temporary and can be overcome if you aree prepared for it.
OTOH I have no first hand knowledge of this, and it's easy for me to say have the baby, I'm not the one in the position you are.

Agree with Firawla
Sounds like you would prefer to have the baby (and indeed would do so, if say, you won the lottery.) If you do have the baby, your mum's attitude will change - at the moment she is only trying to protect you.

I've got a 19 year-old stepdaughter living with me and her dad and I do feel for you - it's hard moving bavk home, and trying to fit in. Don't compromise on this one because you are worried about everybody else's feelings if you know you will regret it. It sounds like you come from a supportive family who are in upheaval - this will calm down in time so don't let the other factors you mention influence your decision.
Hugs.

There's no need to apologise Aimee, I sure everyone hopes for the best for you, it's just that AIBU can be a bit of scrap and I'm not sure that anyone should ever make life-altering decisions based on a thread here.

A professional counsellor will give you a safe, confidential space to talk through all the issues without judging you.

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

Aimee,
If this wasn't right for you and you resisted it at 5 weeks, then I think it unlikely that this is really what you want to do now, at 17 weeks when you have become attached to the baby. Do not take the decision on the basis of your grandmother's illness- I'm sure that she would be horrified if you did. Do not underestimate what having an abortion would mean.

Do not think of yourself as having "quit" university. You may have to take a more convoluted route through life; and it will be hard but, as someone else said, it can work out. It often does.

Sorry to sound bossy- I'm really very sympathetic. You seem to have brought out the maternal side of Mumsnet

swetheart I dont think posting here is the best idea

I have an opinion, for sure I do! , but I'd draw the line at posting it on here

aimee - i had an unplanned pregnancy at 21, just after I graduated university. It was really a chaotic time in my life & I had an abortion at 8 weeks. I am really glad I made that choice, but for a year or so afterwards it was a painful choice to have made. At 24 I had another unplanned pregnancy, & knew really straight away that i was going to continue this pregnancy - lots of things about my life was different. However, I still found it incredibly difficult constantly second guessing myself about my choice. I found that I only reached certainty after I passed the abortion cut off, so that that was no longer an option. Then I was able to settle in to my choice - I still doubted it at times but it was no longer such a challenge to doubt it, since there was nothing I could do about it. Something about your post reminded me of that feeling.

Anyway. I hope that you find the answers within that you need. Good luck.

Am so sorry you are having a rough time, Amee. I think you should get away from your mum - even if only for a weekend - to clear your head. Can you go somewhere with your boyfriend so the two of you can discuss this. Does he know what you are thinking? Why don't you live with him and/or his mum if they are more supportive.

Your mum sounds toxic. And I think you would probably be better off anywhere else but in her house.

Also, 19 is barely a teenage pregnancy. Is your boyfriend/partner supportive? Any plans to live with him?

You need to think about what you want. Forget about everyone else's wants and needs for a moment and just focus on you.

Going only on your posts it sounds like you don't want an abortion, the buying clothes the talking about the baby moving, it sounds like you are already a bit attached.

Having a baby is difficult, very difficult but it isn't a death sentence. You would be able to continue Uni etc, but you would need to overhaul your life massively.

Most of all don't let anyone pressure you either way, YOU are the one who has to live with the consequences so YOU need to be sure about your decision.

Boyfriend is supportive of pregnancy - most of the time...but is in no way mature enough for a relationship or a baby...he proved this last week after we had an argument about something completely unrelated and I told him I didn't want to speak to him and he told me he hopes my baby dies...

I was furious obviously but it's really not in his nature to be that malicious and I do believe that he didn't mean it...we have kind of made up since (with a lot of interference from his mother) but I know that if I wasn't pregnant I would have broken up with him months ago.

He and his family however would be horrified if I had an abortion, as they have really gotten excited about it and have bought practically everything already (including toiletries), so pressure from both my mother and his mother but opposite views.

Hi Aimee,

heres another website you can try to get some more support.

All the best in making the decision which is right for you.

What a prick. I would dump him TBH, nothing he is feeling justifies saying that.

You need to talk to people in RL and consider all of your options. This is not really an AIBU topic for all sorts of reasons.

If you have feelings for the baby now you have felt it move then please seriously consider adoption rather than abortion.

Please do get some help, at 19 you are an old teenage mum but by no means too old for help and support. Even 40 year olds could be having similar thoughts.

Talk to those around you.

I'm sorry I really didn't mean this to become a whole 'woe is me - life story' thing.

It is quite late to have an abortion though, might be very traumatic. But ultimately you have to do what is right for you - as others have said you need to discuss with counsellor.

There are other options like adoption - I saw the Sixteen and Pregnant program on TV and the episode about adoption (episode 6, Catelynn) had me in tears - when she said it was like giving someone the best present ever, and it really was - basically they concluded that they were not in the right place to be parents but they couldn't bear to terminate the pregnancy.

So back to the AIBU question - personally although I am generally pro-abortion (when its early) I think 17 weeks is quite late, and seeing adoption from the other side (close friend adopted her son) I think most reasonable thing would be to look into that. However I don't think this really is the sort of thing you can ask AIBU????

sometimes it just ends up like that doesn't it?

I'm sorry to hear your situation aimee. An abortion at your stage isn't something to go into lightly and its quite a major procedure so have a really good think about it before committing to anything. Do also give careful consideration to adoption - there would be no shortage of suitable parents for your newborn baby, particularly if you and the father are white. There are also options for you to get updates as to the child's progress, photos etc if you wanted. That's not to suggest that adoption isn't something you need to think very carefully about but is certainly a very viable third way to the other options of keeping the baby or having an abortion.

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

I am at work so can't really google... But what is the latest a person can have an abortion in this country? 17 weeks seems VERY late?

Also if you have already begun buying and for the baby..and felt it move.. I can't imagine you could have an abortion and be ok with the after affects. I don't mean that in a judgmental way.. Just being honest.

Maybe look up the younger mums topics.. Might be interesting to see how they cope.
Good luck

Remember as well that abortion isn't your only option. If you decide that you can't deal with looking after a baby with everything else that is going on, you might want to consider adoption.

Another website that might help and that offers online help is www.careconfidential.com/Onlineadvisor.aspx

You sound like a pretty well balanced young lady and want to do right by your baby.

I don't think you are being "woe is me" at all, just asking for some help.

If you've got some time this afternoon, I would just take the first step and call up some of the websites and make an appointment to see a counsellor. Don't think any further than that; ie what decisions you have to make.

Then maybe go off and do something nice for yourself. (My personal fave would be a self-indulgent afternoon watching a chick flick!!)

Just take it one step at a time, and be kind to yourself, you have been through a lot too losing your grandma & great-grandma.
Don't worry about your BF too much at the moment. what he said was not great, but he was young and panicking.

At least you have his family on your side.
I had a friend who got married at 17, had a baby half way thru uni and then went on to qualify as a doctor. All this was possible as her in laws helped out with child-care.

you will be amazed at what help and support can come your way when you make the right decision for you.