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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to be consulted as to who is taking my son to school

310 replies

Ladyanonymous · 21/06/2010 19:33

Went away for the weekend. DS stayed with his dad an extra night as I didn't get back till today. There were two other alternatives to his dad having him, but he said it was fine and he would take him to school on Monday morning - DS dad lives 20 odd miles away so I had my reservations as to whether he would get him there on time.

I am part of a school run I normally drop DS at my friends and she takes him to school and I take the older children on to the other school. No reason why his dad couldn't have dropped him there this morning as I had my school run covered.

Picked DS up this afternoon, turns out his dads wife took him to school this morning. I feel a bit as I don't have anything to do with her, don't know her, the school have no idea who she is and I think I should have at least been consulted and know who is actually taking him to school - esp when there was no need for it to have anything to do with her.

AIBU to at least have expected his dad to check it was ok?!

OP posts:
mumeeee · 21/06/2010 21:31

YABU, You left your Ds in his Dad's care, His Dad is a responsible adult and a parent of your Ds so he should be ablre to make the decision who takes him to school while he is staying with him. He didn't ask a complete stranger to take him but asked his wife.

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 21/06/2010 21:32

I don't know, she was very young and they really fell in love.

I remember seeing them together when I was pg and he was still with me and thinking she was perfect for him, and I knew our relationship was not going to work. Our DS was not planned.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 21/06/2010 21:33

I would prefer it if he did say he loved her and I told him that and that its normal and natural for him to love her.

OP posts:
williewalshsballs · 21/06/2010 21:34

op, this was a bit of stealthy aibu . knowing more about your situation. i take back my initial posts. yabu but yanbu too.
If you've not dealt with what happened through counselling/other means, then please do consider. It will set you free.

mumofthreesweeties · 21/06/2010 21:35

Ladyanonymous I do feel that YABU here. Yes the way they met was very hurtful to you but your ex is the one who cheated here so you should really be upset with him.... You mention that you OH now has kids, now how would you feel if their mum started saying you couldnt take the kids etc etc when you know that you are a responsible adult? Let it go..... I just dont understand how and why this has upset you. If she had got to school late or was an irresponsible adult I would agree, but the fact that she actually agreed to take him to school AND get him on time to school means that you should be thanking her rather than starting a thread to criticise her. Furthermore I am baffled by your statement that his dad doesnt need to have your son. Of course he does, he is your DS's dad so he needs to see his son. Those four weekends etc are counted as parenting because its not as if you have shared contact is it as in half the time with you and half with his dad. The courts etc must have decided his contact so of course he parents albeit four times a month.

I absolutely like my exh's wife, she is totally normal and I can call her to ask her husband to behave etc etc and she sends my son birthday cards etc. I have no issues whatsoever with her or what she does with DS because I have to deal with her, she is not going to go anywhere anytime soon so the sooner you accept that and move on with your life (emotionally letting go of your exh and all the bitterness) the sooner you will start enjoying having someone take your DS to school while you are away for the weekend. Other posters have also highlighted that it would then not be unreasonable for your exh to demand the same from you as in he needs to approve all your friends who do the school run. Well I could go on but the moral of my post is YABU

booyhoo · 21/06/2010 21:35

you seem to have calmed a bit. can you see why other posters think yabu? nobody id saying what you went through should be ignored, it was painful and of course it takes time to heal. but the important thing is to make sure your son is affected as little as possible by it, and by you accepting his step mother's input, it will help him be a far more stable child. you dont want him worrying about whether you would be happy with him laughing with stepmum, do you? he is a child, dont make him carry an adult's weight on his shoulders.

unfitmother · 21/06/2010 21:36

But it's not natural or normal for her to take him to school when he's at her house?

booyhoo · 21/06/2010 21:38

it isn't natural or normal for the dad either because they dont have him for school runs.

booyhoo · 21/06/2010 21:39

and fwiw, i can completely understand why you feel like this.

clam · 21/06/2010 21:41

But unfitmother it comes under the "parenting by proxy" tasks that step-parents do all the time. Like feeding them, chatting to them, taking them out and about, probably a bit of laundry (depends) etc..
It's not such a far step outside the parameters.

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 21/06/2010 21:41

He knows he is allowed to have fun there and I never ever slag him or her off ever. There is no reason for me to.

My OH's kids are a bit different as they live a long way away and we only have them at weekends/holidays etc.

I wrote their mum a letter before I had them and she and I are very friendly on the phone etc I haven't met her yet.

I just felt a line was crossed and it made me wobble a bit but yes I can see why pps say IABU, I probably am but I stand by saying that I have a right to know who has taken him to school, as I am responsible for the school run and I am happier without her in my life and I think my son is fine with it too - he can talk freely about her and what he has done with her.

OP posts:
ballstoit · 21/06/2010 21:44

Did you ask your DS father if it was okay for your DS to meet your new partner,or which school he would prefer him to go to, or when to start toilet training, or if he could go to a friends hous after school or any of the other thousands of decisions that all parents make on an every day basis?
I'm guessing the answer is no.

Yet,your ex should 'check it's okay' before his wife takes your son to school, a 20 minute car journey.Poor DS, being given the message that fathers are second class parents...good luck to your grandchildren.

booyhoo · 21/06/2010 21:46

but it wasn't your life, it is your son's life. either way, you weren't doing the school run this morning so she wasn't pushing you out of the way.

colditz · 21/06/2010 21:46

YABU

She's his step mother, not some bird his dad brought home last night.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 21/06/2010 21:48

how are you going to be when you stand side by side at his graduation or his engagement or his wedding. My DH family are all civil, they even see each other and be civil. but still now we cant do big celebrations as they just dont want to be in each others lives. Seeing the deverstating effect it has had on DH and his siblings whatever the history i think its selfish to plan to carry on like this, sorry

premium · 21/06/2010 21:48

I think I can see your point now

I still think YABU but well done for sticking around and answering all the questions

Sometimes parents have odd things they find important so maybe this is your thing

mumofthreesweeties · 21/06/2010 21:49

But Lady, imagine if the roles were reversed and he had residence. WOuld you not feel insulted if he were to ask you to inform him about who was taking him to school the next day when your ex knew full well that you are now with someone new. It's not as if he asked the local cabbie to take him to school. In such a case then yes he would have to inform you but this is someone he shares his life with. I know you are happier without her in your life etc etc but she is here to stay and you need to start building an amicable relationship for the sake of your son.

Your ex is actually ok if he trusts you enough not to be concerned about who takes him to school etc. Some partners with residence go through hell with their exes wanting to be consulted on every single thing just to prove a point. Your son belongs to both of you and clearly his parenting by proxy is not out of choice but default. YOu should also trust his judgement

BabyDubsEverywhere · 21/06/2010 21:50

you dont need to be slagging them off for your son to pick up on these fellings. you really need to work through them so they arent there anymore, with a proffessional if need be. they need to not be there for him to pick up on in the first place.

booyhoo · 21/06/2010 21:50

i am aware that i am pressing you on every question, but i feel as though you are giving yourself a lot of unnecessary grief and sometimes we just need people to ake us up to the fact that we are BU. i know this whole thing is hard for you, i'm just trying to get you to see what we see when we read your posts.

worldgonemad72 · 21/06/2010 21:51

you passed the reponsibility for the school run to your ex that morning though, I still say yabu even after all the drip feeding of information.

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 21/06/2010 21:52

TBH maybe I am a bit protective of the school (that does sound a bit nuts).

All three of my kids have been there, for the last 9 years I have been there every day and I know everyone, its like a little bit of my community and my life that I have built for myself.

I felt a but about her rocking up there.

I'll get over it though and maybe I do need to let it go a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 21/06/2010 21:54

oh and erm - I am a counsellor - and have had counselling.....

OP posts:
mumofthreesweeties · 21/06/2010 21:55

I on the other hand absolutely loathe my ex and am counting down the days until my son is 16, but I never ever let it on. When he calls I speak with him etc. Most importantly my feelings about him do not affect the way I view his parenting skills when my DS is at theirs, he is reliable (but excruciatingly boring) and I trust his judgement (although he could work on picking up his DS more and phoning him every now and again). Most importantly even though he sees his son less than your ex sees your DS, I never have a go at him, its totally pointless. As said earlier let it go

mumofthreesweeties · 21/06/2010 21:58

Lady, I see where you are coming from with the invasion of your 'community space' and feel that that is a natural feeling, but YASBU to expect to be consulted about her taking him to school. As a first incident I guess your feelings are understandable and maybe you had to explain to all your friends etc etc. If I was in your position I would have felt a bit awkward yes, but not demanded that you be consulted, that is unreasonable

foureleven · 21/06/2010 21:58

ladyanonymous - ive read your posts before and I know theres history here and that your ex's wife is a class A freak... however Im sorry but if you have asked him to have your child for an extra night its up to him to decide if someone else i.e. his wife can be trusted to take them to school.

Is it honestly a big problem...? In the grand scheme of things is it doing your energy levels any good to get cross about it???

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