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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to be consulted as to who is taking my son to school

310 replies

Ladyanonymous · 21/06/2010 19:33

Went away for the weekend. DS stayed with his dad an extra night as I didn't get back till today. There were two other alternatives to his dad having him, but he said it was fine and he would take him to school on Monday morning - DS dad lives 20 odd miles away so I had my reservations as to whether he would get him there on time.

I am part of a school run I normally drop DS at my friends and she takes him to school and I take the older children on to the other school. No reason why his dad couldn't have dropped him there this morning as I had my school run covered.

Picked DS up this afternoon, turns out his dads wife took him to school this morning. I feel a bit as I don't have anything to do with her, don't know her, the school have no idea who she is and I think I should have at least been consulted and know who is actually taking him to school - esp when there was no need for it to have anything to do with her.

AIBU to at least have expected his dad to check it was ok?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 22/06/2010 15:09

Ok then Curryfreak, thanks for that

Fabisgettingfit I have repeatedly said my son doesn't see "how I am with his step mother and father" - and he knows if he choses to live there when he is at an age to make that desicion he can with my blessing.

I found your comment offensive as other were suggesting I was a nutter and I felt you were alluding to him being taken into care.

OP posts:
foureleven · 22/06/2010 15:14

LA - focus on the positive posts

mjinhiding · 22/06/2010 15:26

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Message withdrawn

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 22/06/2010 15:37

I have a civil relationship with his father - we communicate well normally and my DS has full access to his fathers home, family and his parents.

He has gone abroad with his dads mum and with his dad and his step-mum on several occasions and he is a happy, well adjusted boy. He can talk about her and he knows its totally fine that he regards he a part of his life.

I do not agree that in order to bring him up I need to communicate with his step mum.

I communicate with his father well and as much as I need to. I don't even visit their house as his father collects and drops him off.

I know plenty of people who have managed not to fuck up their children by not having an active relationship with their childs step-parent.

Its not a negative relationship - its just a non relationship - and I think it is totally fine.

If at some point in the future I ned to be in the same room as her I know I will manage to do that without creating any type of "scene".

OP posts:
mjinhiding · 22/06/2010 15:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 22/06/2010 15:49

I have already explained in previous posts - she has nothing to do with his life other than when he is at their home and I just felt a bit terratorial about it.

I have never asked him to take his son to school before and as far as he is concerned it is my responsibility.

It pissed me off he said he would do it for the first time in 4 years (when I didn't need him to) and then delegated it to her without even telling me.

OP posts:
mjinhiding · 22/06/2010 15:53

This reply has been deleted

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foureleven · 22/06/2010 17:05

LA, I do feel your pain. But maybe if he is the one who does all the picking up and dropping off to have access to his son, his wife was just trying to lift some of the burden by dropping to school.

Why dont you share dropping him to his dads and bringing him back to you a bit?

I only ask because my dp does all of the driving too when we have DSD and it really grates that his ex never does it. its like 'you want your daughter - you can drive!'

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 22/06/2010 17:19

Because he chose to move 20 miles away, from his son when he lived in the same town - cut my maintenance 6 yrs ago so he could by a house with his wife and hasn't put it up again and I cannot afford to drive the 40 miles to drop him off.

Compared to what I provide for our son him doing 4 trips a month really is a drop in a very very large ocean.

OP posts:
FabIsGettingFit · 22/06/2010 17:20

I was not alluding to him being in to care.

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 22/06/2010 17:24

Its a pretty rank thing to suggest someones kid may not live with them anymore IMO.

I adore my kids and always do my best for them.

No one is perfect and I have conceeded that I may have been a but unreasonable - but have also clearly stated my reasons for feeling so pissed off.

OP posts:
foureleven · 22/06/2010 17:41

Ok, LA. It was just a suggestion about sharing the driving.

Im sorry you're struggling so much with all this. I think most of us are trying to be helpful though.

penguin73 · 22/06/2010 17:41

Poor kid, how confusing he must find it all - and how difficult you must be making it for him to enjoy his time with his father and step-mother as long as you refuse to recognise the important role she has in his life.
Your husband chose her, not you which is hard but you need to stop using your son as a way of getting back at them and making issues where there are none.

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 22/06/2010 17:45

I accept that Foureleven

He was never my husband and I kicked him out and spent a year telling him yes - its over. I don't feel I wasn't chosen by him.

Please give me one example of how I am using my son. My son has always had access to his dad since he was a baby - through extremely hard times for both me and his father.

My son is very happy thanks and knows exactly who everyone in his life is.

OP posts:
penguin73 · 22/06/2010 17:50

Ask him again when he is 18 how he has felt about it - I am fairly sure that this is having an effect whether you see it or not. You are using him by making issues over things that happen involving him when he is with his other family. You cannot say she is not part of his life when he spends time with her on a regular basis and she is related to him by marriage and until you accept that and start to accept that she has an important albeit small role in his life you will not be happy.

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 22/06/2010 17:51

I just felt I had drawn a mental line as tio what I was comfortable with and it was crossed.

I am over it - really - the world still turns.

In fact his father and I are going to see him in a play tomorrow night - together.

OP posts:
booyhoo · 22/06/2010 17:53

penguin, i think OP has made it clear that she does recognise the part his stepmum plays. not sure if you have read all of the thread but i never got the impression she is using her ds for any type of revenge.

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 22/06/2010 17:55

How am I making an issue? I have said nothing to his dad about this!! I just vented how pissed off I felt here - where it is safe for my son.

I never said she isn't a part of his life I have said I accept she is, and am glad he is fond of her.

She does nothing practical in his day to day life and is not a part of my life and I don't see why she needs to be.

I haven't actually done anything wrong here - and I have comprimised A LOT over the years over A LOT of issues - like him being given formula - by her when he was breast fed.

My son is very well adjusted and has never known it to be any different.

OP posts:
foureleven · 22/06/2010 17:57

I dont think LA is using her son in any way shape or form. I dont think she has any feelings for his dad either.

I think she just has a very strong bond with her son and truely values what they have as mum and son and this woman is in her eyes a threat to that.

Its just something LA needs to work through. I think she knows her feelings arent 'healthy' for want of a better word.

(sorry for using 'she' I was responding to penguin)

penguin73 · 22/06/2010 18:04

the child has 3 parents, not one and they must work together for his benefit - petty squabbles about who took him to school aren't helpful or beneficial to anyone. Anonymous venting here isn't harmful as long as that is all it is and the unreasonable moaning remains here and doesn't spill over into 'real life'.

foureleven · 22/06/2010 18:08

Thats right, I think she is just venting. Hopefully LA!

booyhoo · 22/06/2010 18:08

he has 2 parents and a stepparent. that is not the same as having 3 parents.

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 22/06/2010 18:10

And no - the child does not have three parents.

He has two - she doesn't even wash his clothes when he stays there.

She has no input or say in his life at all.

Being a parent is being there through all the shit, not walzting in for all the glory moments.

She has always worked nights when hes stayed there anyway.

OP posts:
foureleven · 22/06/2010 18:18

Maybe try to look at the lift to school as her way of helping out with some of the non-glory bits? She probably didnt enjoy it much! - speaking from someone who has to take DSD to school all the time even though it makes me flippin late for work because DSDs mother needs lots of lie ins... bless 'er!

My situation is very different because my DSDs mum isnt nearly as hands on and responsible as you LA so i have to play more of a part in her life. Im just thinking that your exs wife mucking in with school runs is her way of trying to be more down to earth and earn the respect a step parent should have at some stage...

ivykaty44 · 22/06/2010 18:22

Taking a child to school though isn't walzing in for the glory moments it is doing the mundane stuff that you have to do for children.

You don't want your ds father to do the mundane stuff and then complain that walzing in to do glory monets isn't on.
You can't have it both ways.

Please go and speak to someone about this and work out how to get over this, you are over 5 years down the line and still can't accept that your ex is with another woman.