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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to be consulted as to who is taking my son to school

310 replies

Ladyanonymous · 21/06/2010 19:33

Went away for the weekend. DS stayed with his dad an extra night as I didn't get back till today. There were two other alternatives to his dad having him, but he said it was fine and he would take him to school on Monday morning - DS dad lives 20 odd miles away so I had my reservations as to whether he would get him there on time.

I am part of a school run I normally drop DS at my friends and she takes him to school and I take the older children on to the other school. No reason why his dad couldn't have dropped him there this morning as I had my school run covered.

Picked DS up this afternoon, turns out his dads wife took him to school this morning. I feel a bit as I don't have anything to do with her, don't know her, the school have no idea who she is and I think I should have at least been consulted and know who is actually taking him to school - esp when there was no need for it to have anything to do with her.

AIBU to at least have expected his dad to check it was ok?!

OP posts:
citybranch · 21/06/2010 21:16

Oh God, my DH's ex is more extreme than this!

DH and I have been together 6 years, married 2.5, and STILL every time DH hands the ex birthday cards for the DCs she screams on the doorstep "HER NAME BETTER NOT BE IN THAT CARD!"

Saddest thing about it is that she allows the two eldest to come and visit us but has NEVER allowed the 7 year old to come over. I have never met the child and she isn't allowed to know her Dad at all (she only sees him on the doorstep when he collects the others). The other children say it is because their mother does not want the younger one to meet me .

(We are looking at going to court ASAP to get this seriously messed up situation sorted!)

Sorry, off topic.
What I want to say is that yes, OP YABU but you are not nearly as bad as some out there!

Actually, I'd be pretty delighted if you were my DH's ex! Presents and cards for the children, that's actually really nice. (DH's ex won't even let DH park in front of her house if he has our DCs in the car. They are only 3.5 and 1!)

booyhoo · 21/06/2010 21:17

ok your last post gives two reasons.

  1. you weren't told- why do you need to be told?

  2. she did 'your' job- she took her step son to school, as much as that is a shock to you, it is quite normal for a step parent to do thigs like this.

worldgonemad72 · 21/06/2010 21:17

Ok i'll ask again, why didn't you ask the night before when you made arrangements for him to have your ds for an extra night who would be taking him to school?

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 21/06/2010 21:18

He isn't more involved by his own choice - I have asked but he only does it when its convinient to him.

I no longer ask.

I have moved on - I just don't want her in my life or to have to bump into her - I had PND after he was born and went through a rough time, I bumped into him and her in town a few times when he was a few weeks old and he had him for a couple of hours each weekend and she was pushing his pram and holding him etc it was hard to see when I wasn't in a good place.

OP posts:
Just13moreyearstogo · 21/06/2010 21:20

Good point by CornflowerB

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 21/06/2010 21:20

I didn't ask because it didn't cross my mind it would be her, thats why.

In future I will ask.

OP posts:
booyhoo · 21/06/2010 21:20

i can totally understand that that was hard to see. i can understand that it is still hard to know she is having anything to do with your son, BUT, that doesn't mean you are justified in having to know everytime she does have something to do with him.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 21/06/2010 21:21

Thats fair enough and obviously you were hurt, but how old is your son now! you have got to let this go, and you really need to get your head around the fact that she is a big part of his life, She will be there for the major events to support him as her stepson, this is a good thing for your son and as much as it hurts you need to work through this now so it wont ruin things for him in the future.

williewalshsballs · 21/06/2010 21:21

op, you sound like you're just trying to do your best for your ds. I can see why you would feel "intruded" on after what happened. being honest with yourselfm do you truy feel that you've moved on from what must have been tremendous hurt?
hope you're able in the long run, to have arrangements/relationhip with xdp and dw that are best for your ds.

booyhoo · 21/06/2010 21:22

why will you ask in future? what good will it do? if ex says it will be her will you tell him that you would prefer if it was him?

auntpolly · 21/06/2010 21:22

The more I read the more this reminds me of the way my own parents behaved. It's not possible for him to lead two separate lives. He can't separate his wife and second child from DS, and it would be really unhealthy for DS if he tried. No matter how angry you feel about what happened, you need to have a civilised relationship with this woman, she is his stepmother and mother to DS's sibling.

Tootlesmummy · 21/06/2010 21:24

Sorry but if you asked him he would perfectly within his rights to say it's none of your business.

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 21/06/2010 21:25

No - I can't see it happeneing again though TBH as he will be at school with my DD next year and the situation wouldn't arise.

She isn't very involved with him TBH, my DS says she isn't when they are at his dads. She often works when he is there I think and won't allow me to see their child.

We were talking about people we love a while back and her name came up and he said he liked her but he didn't love her.

I felt a bit sad for her actually as she has been in his life since he was born, and I have never heard anything bad that she had done while he has been there.

OP posts:
williewalshsballs · 21/06/2010 21:26

keep on xposting. that must have been awful going through that. and it sounds like both were very insensitive towards you. to be honest, After all i've said...with your last posts...i don't think i'd have been as gracious as you've been.

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 21/06/2010 21:26

It just crossed a line I didn't know I was going to cross I guess.

OP posts:
booyhoo · 21/06/2010 21:26

maybe he was sparing your feelings when he said he liked her but didn't love her.

clam · 21/06/2010 21:26

Right, LadyA, and that is the crux of all this. It's not about "wanting to be informed," it's just that you don't want her to be doing that sort of job for him. Which is understandable, actually. But, sadly, you are going to have to deal with it. Sorry.

toccatanfudge · 21/06/2010 21:27

wow! Just read the whole thread

I think YABU (just to add my name onto that side).

When he's with his dad, who you say is realiable and a good dad (somewhere in among the rest of the stuff). If he's a good dad then presumably he good enough judgement to know who can take care of his (your) DS on the school run.

citybranch · 21/06/2010 21:28

'He isn't more involved by his own choice - I have asked but he only does it when its convinient to him'

You've put a spin on your words there to make it sound as if he can't be bothered.

I take it he works? Does he need to provide some childcare for his newer DC? Logistically it is hard, that doesn't mean that he would not like to help you when you ask.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 21/06/2010 21:28

You cant see the hostility in your earlier posts about this ex and wife, yet evryone else could. Do you not think that your son is picking uip on your feelings about them - i would be shocked if he hadnt, all children from split homes pick up on these fellings. it sounds as though he is trying to please you

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 21/06/2010 21:28

Yes I wondered if he was, I hope he was actually but hes a real "boys boy" and he isn't overly affectionate (in view of anyone else anyway ;) )

OP posts:
unfitmother · 21/06/2010 21:29

'I've moved on' - yeah right!

usualsuspect · 21/06/2010 21:29

I can understand why you were upset ,and of course its your business who takes your son to school

williewalshsballs · 21/06/2010 21:29

in short, i think you've been very good about things. I wonder if she's remorseful about what shec did? and xp remorseful?

booyhoo · 21/06/2010 21:30

LA- you are his mum, that is such a special relationship, of course he cares if your feelings are hurt. that is what i was saying earlier about him feling as though he was betraying you by enjoying being with her. this is the same. he doesn't want to tell you he loves her because he knows this would hurt you.