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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to be consulted as to who is taking my son to school

310 replies

Ladyanonymous · 21/06/2010 19:33

Went away for the weekend. DS stayed with his dad an extra night as I didn't get back till today. There were two other alternatives to his dad having him, but he said it was fine and he would take him to school on Monday morning - DS dad lives 20 odd miles away so I had my reservations as to whether he would get him there on time.

I am part of a school run I normally drop DS at my friends and she takes him to school and I take the older children on to the other school. No reason why his dad couldn't have dropped him there this morning as I had my school run covered.

Picked DS up this afternoon, turns out his dads wife took him to school this morning. I feel a bit as I don't have anything to do with her, don't know her, the school have no idea who she is and I think I should have at least been consulted and know who is actually taking him to school - esp when there was no need for it to have anything to do with her.

AIBU to at least have expected his dad to check it was ok?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 21/06/2010 21:04

He was doing something that I normally do myself - that is all - I just wanted him to do what he said he
He could have easily just been dropped off at the normal house.

No I don't tell him because he doesn't really want to be that involved, he has made it quite clear that he has a new family and that is his priority now.

I am not controlling - at all.

OP posts:
CornflowerB · 21/06/2010 21:04

Ladyanonymous, I think that maybe the problem is that up to now it has seemed that your son is only visitng his father and not his wife, but her taking him to school is concrete evidence that she is involved in his life too and it has come as shock. This kind of thing will happen more and more and you'll have to get used to it, no matter how painful it is. I'm sorry - you have been hurt very badly, but, as others have said, accepting the situation will be better for everyone in the end.

usualsuspect · 21/06/2010 21:05

Actually if he takes no interest in his sons school...yes it does make him a bad parent imo

booyhoo · 21/06/2010 21:06

ok, so it isn't the fact that you weren't told, it is the fact that he didn't take him to school?

williewalshsballs · 21/06/2010 21:06

us- what on here makes you think he's hardly dad of the year....op has been clear that she wants him and dw to have nothing to do with her ds life here. not knowing where school is could be because op pushes him out...

booyhoo · 21/06/2010 21:06

US_ that is fine to believe that but why would you agree to let him go then?

worldgonemad72 · 21/06/2010 21:07

usualsuspect - he has taken interest in his sons school though, he's been to plays, concerts and parents evening according to the op

BabyDubsEverywhere · 21/06/2010 21:07

Stealth!

Tootlesmummy · 21/06/2010 21:07

Sorry but you are and don't realise it.

booyhoo · 21/06/2010 21:08

if OP though her ex was a bad parent she wouldn't have agreed for him to have ds the extra night. she said tehre were alternatives.

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 21/06/2010 21:09

He is a good dad - I don't have doubts about his parenting.

OP posts:
BabyDubsEverywhere · 21/06/2010 21:09

Some of the forces dads i know see there kids once a month at the moment, they aren't bad dads. I know a forces mom who sees her daughter twice a year - shes a great mom, what about kids in bording schools - all put there by terrible parents i suppose?

Rubbish

marriednotdead · 21/06/2010 21:11

Then you should trust his judgement as to who is fit to take his son to school.

williewalshsballs · 21/06/2010 21:11

i suspect he still carries guilt about how he behaved and therefore a. doesn't push back at op to see ds more/make decisionsabout ds b. hasn't been able to create a set up that works with his new family and ds.

A man who wasn't interested in his child wouldn't have him every other weekend. OP is he reliable?

unfitmother · 21/06/2010 21:11

"he is a good Dad" then WTF does he need to tell you what provision he has made for getting his son to school??

booyhoo · 21/06/2010 21:11

i know that LA, i was just referring to Usual suspects remark.

LA- can you answer my question, "ok, so it isn't the fact that you weren't told, it is the fact that he didn't take him to school?"

BabyDubsEverywhere · 21/06/2010 21:12

Then sending him wit hhis step mom was a parenting choice, so surely you agree? or does he have to check on everything? does he know this to start with or do you decide what he has to check with you as and when you feel like it? Is this just a game?

BecauseImALondoner · 21/06/2010 21:13

LA I can also see why you're a bit upset - it's a gut reaction you're having, however unreasonable that might be. I think you're getting a bit of an unfair drubbing here though. MN seems to have this tendency for people to gang up on a poster, everyone piling in for a kicking with everything getting more and more hysterical and detached from reality.

GypsyMoth · 21/06/2010 21:13

as he has PR he is entitled to all school letters,reports etc to be sent home to him direct....many schools do this for absent parents....often the resident parent is unaware,but its the NRP's right!

how does anyone know wehther he has this or not?

booyhoo · 21/06/2010 21:14

OP, read through this thread and count how many different reasons you have given us for why you are upset. you may think you have moved on but you are in denial. you are pissed off because your ex cheated on you with his now wife and that is the truth of it. tehre is no justifiable reason for you to be upset by her taking him to school.

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 21/06/2010 21:14

Its the fact that I wasn't told - thats what pissed me off.

Its the first time in 8 years she has ever kind of come over to "my side".

In my head its separated, he has his life there and is happy and he has his life here.

He is very reliable.

OP posts:
williewalshsballs · 21/06/2010 21:14

xpost. if he's a good dad then just let it go,,and why not let him be more involved? your son will benefit

usualsuspect · 21/06/2010 21:14

BecauseImA Londener my thoughts exactly ....

paisleyleaf · 21/06/2010 21:15

Why? Why would you be happier if he'd been taken to the normal house?

UnquietDad · 21/06/2010 21:16

Ladyanon - people are asking you some good questions which you are responding to in quite a hostile way.

One which other have asked and which I'd also like to know is - do you want your son to spend more time at his dad's? Or was one weekend in two the settlement you both agreed to?

Because if that was the agreement you're both happy with, then your ex can hardly be slated on here for "only spending four days a month" with his child.

And if you'd like him to spend more time there, you surely have to accept that your ex has a new life, and that your child will spend time with the stepmother as well, and that she will do things for/with him.

I don't quite get it.

It sounds as if what you want is for your ex (and his new wife) to spend as little time as possible with your child, so that you can then moan about how little time he spends with him. A depressingly familiar scenario, if I may say so (not personally, thank goodness, but I have seen it happen...)