to want to keep my own name when I get married?

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I have an unusual surname and I am the only one of 'me' in the world (slash the world of google and facebook)

DP's surname is very common, I already know a few people with my name and DP's surname. It's a bit like Dixon.

AIBU to want to keep my name? DP and I had a bit of an argument about it last night. He thinks it's offensive to not want his name, and that I am joining his family and should be happy about taking on their surname.

But that means that I would no longer be known by that name, which is a big part of my identity. And it would mean that the only person to carry on that name would be my DB.

A regret of mine is not keeping my name. FWIW, I think hyphens are a waste of time, largely because I have only ever known one man who has hyphened his as well.

I haven't read all the posts but my SIL had a very unusual surname that was dying out in her family and has used it as a second middle name with all 4 of her DCs. So first name, middle name, unusual surname, married surname. Not for everyone but a nice touch.

I suspect my H (soon to be ex) would've been upset if I hadn't used his surname. I quite liked it to be honest. Double barrelled surnames can be done, as no doubt mentioned.

Hope you find a solution you're both comfortable with before the big day, good luck x

Littlesilver - the point of the hyphenation for me wasn't about DH and I having the same name, it was so my DC and I would. I'm still very pleased I did it this way but I was lucky in that the names do work well together.

DH says he might hyphenate his one day too but I suspect that will be when MIL is cold in her grave hell freezes over.

But I agree, very few men seem to do it (my step-father is one of the few I know that have and even stranger their surname is now wife'sExDHname(ie my father's name)-Hisname

Oh and a bit off-topic but interesting to see that a good few posters use the title 'Ms' on here - in real life it seems a rarity. Apart from me, I've only known my sister, my step-mother and a really cool teacher I had a primary school use Ms.

Magalyxyz - I know what you mean re going on about it seems like trying to justifying it but... whilst it should be so normal and reasonable for a woman to decide to keep her name that it is a non-subject, in practice there is usually an impact from it (ruddy IL's getting arsey) - which you have to deal with one way or another.

YANBU at all. I took DH's surname, with my maiden name as a middle name (I dropped my original middle name, though it still crops back up occasionally) because it meant more to him for me to have his surname than it meant to me to keep mine. It has the handy benefit that while my surname is now common and boring, at least people know how to spell it, whereas my maiden name is one that people THINK they know how to spell, but 99% of the time they DON'T. I didn't want to double barrel as His-Mine just sounds wrong, while Mine-His repeats a syllable in the middle and sounds very odd - that said, I do use both on occasion and have got entirely used to it - just like I have got used to having a surname different to the one I had for the first 27 years of my life.

I do regret not giving DD my maiden name as a middle name, but I got all tied up with wanting her to have a 'proper' middle name in case she hated her first, and then she'd have two middle names, etc etc ... oh well.

I think it's important not to make assumptions about it - Mrs MarriedName doesn't make a woman a doormat (think my boss would have something to say about that), neither does Ms MaidenName make her a super radical kill-all-the-men feminist (erm, not least because she wouldn't be married if that were the case).

I kept my own name when I got married 27 years ago. Took no end of stick from everybody- my grandma said "why bother getting married?"

DH had originally planned to change his surname to mine (mine is unusual and means a lot to me- his isn't and he isn't bothered) until he told the ILs who went ballistic and threatened to disown him

Just before DD1 was born he finally got around to double-barrelling his name by deed poll. The solicitor insisted on speaking to him alone to "make sure he hadn't been coerced into doing it" and the first solicitor we consulted looked down her nose at me and announced that she would be proud to take her husband's name.

It does make me wonder why people get so uppity about something that is actually none of their business.

I have had 27 years of various family members (on both sides) sending cards to "Mrs DHname" who doesn't actually exist. It really winds up DD1 who hasn't used DH's part of the surname for at least 10 years and is constantly sent things to Miss DHName.

I don't understand why some women are so eager to lose their own name but when my various cousins have announced they are now Mrs whatever I address them by the name they are using- I don't persist in using their maiden name. It's just common courtesy.

Oh and it isn't a new thing. My grandparents neighbours when I was little were Mr and Mrs Harding. They showed us their wedding album from 1934 and I was amazed to see that the wedding announcement was for Miss Harding and Mr Williams.

We I got married last year I double barrelled with my husband's name, and he did the same as well. I didn't fell comfortable giving up my name completely and he was more than happy for us both to double barrell.

However, I have been met with a lot of surprise (from other women) that I wouldn't want to drop my name for his. To be honest I am now considering just dropping my maiden name as it's a hassle filling in forms and people NEVER seem to get my surname right

oooh don't do that rubbersoul - if you've both gone to the trouble of changing your names then it would be such a shame to lose your maiden name now.

You and other people will get used to it. I doubled-barrelled to hisname-myname about 2 years ago and now when I see my old name on its own it just seems plain weird.

ah, I know CakeandRoses... it would be a shame. We also had his name-mine. A couple of people said it was a nice idea and I think my side of the family would be a little disappointed if I changed it now. I've just had SO many strange looks and comments of "I would never even have considered doing that, is it meant to be a feminist thing? How strange."

Shouldn't let people get to me!

My first name-maiden name makes me the only one in the world (according to some website that tells you such) and my first name-married name also makes me the only one in the world.

use both!..I do...no need to get rid of your maiden name..tbh I'm a lazy subversive cow..so i have'nt changed a thing...I promise but never deliver ..we have a semi serious joke about it every year close to our anniversary..I said i would change it for our 10th..maybe

I do it all 3 ways.

I work mostly under my maiden name (Miss X), socialise under my married name (Mrs Y) and my passport is doubled. I can identify myself as ZZZZ XXXX and ZZZZ XXX-YYYYYY but not solely as Mrs YYYYYY unless bank statements count.

DCs will just have DHs name.

I didn't have any particular objection to changing my name but my initials plus DHs last name create a rather unfortunate acronym!

My mother, married in the early 80s, never changed her name legally. Socially she is addressed as Lady XXXX, has bank accounts/credit cards as Lady XXXXX by showing her passport and marriage certificate but she's still Miss AAAAA on all photo ID and her passport has 'holder is the wife of' in it.

So YANBU at all for not changing. People do it for many reasons. If you ever do want to change your name your marriage certificate is proof of change of name to do your passport or bank accounts but you can't revert to your maiden name without getting a divorce or deed-polling it.

My Dh asked my fathers permission to ask me to marry him and I didn't mind a bit

Not because I see myself as chattel which I def don't . But because it was something that made my older and very traditional father very very happy and affected us not a jot because we both viewed it as nonsense.

I would not have felt it necessary to feel feminist outrage at his doing something faintly ridiculous out of love and respect for my lovely old dad.

I kept my maiden name and have never regretted it. I had been using 'Ms' since I was about 20, so no change there, but a couple of years after getting married I got my PhD, so now I'm usually Ms socially and Dr professionally - or sometimes I use Dr when I'm giving details on the phone and they ask if I'm 'Miss' or 'Mrs', which I hate! (Of course they then get to the 'profession' part of the form and ask if I'm a GP....)

I'll be keeping my name when I marry in a few weeks. It's my name, I can't get my head round the the notion of being called anything else (I also think it's bizare when people change the names of pets they adopt.)

FWIW we've been together 15yrs and having different names has never been an issue. He collects my post all the time.

I've always had a different name to my Mum (and a different name to two of my siblings) never had any problems there either.

Perhaps this is why I don't see a common name as a signifier of a family unit.

DP wasn't happy about it until I asked him how he would feel if it was convention to change his name to mine. He looked a bit upset and said he wouldn't like it, because it was his name. Now he's a full convert to my POV.

If your name is an important part of your identity, and you've told your DP this, then it is offensive to be expected to change it...never mind offensive not to want his name.

2. it doesn't make me his posession it makes me Mrs (surname) just like you keeping yours will make you MRS (Surname) even if you decide to use MS or keep Miss

Ummmmmmm.....no. You are presumed to KEEP your original name unless you change to Mrs DHname. You are not officially Mrs anything on marriage. The Mrs/Miss/Ms thing is totally optional anyway. You don't need a title.