Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to keep my own name when I get married?

141 replies

SkipHopJump · 18/06/2010 10:52

I have an unusual surname and I am the only one of 'me' in the world (slash the world of google and facebook)

DP's surname is very common, I already know a few people with my name and DP's surname. It's a bit like Dixon.

AIBU to want to keep my name? DP and I had a bit of an argument about it last night. He thinks it's offensive to not want his name, and that I am joining his family and should be happy about taking on their surname.

But that means that I would no longer be known by that name, which is a big part of my identity. And it would mean that the only person to carry on that name would be my DB.

OP posts:
Original poster
SkipHopJump · 18/06/2010 11:23

I like all your views.

I don't feel like I am joining his family. I think we are making a new family, or at least bringing both our families together.

I would double barrell it but my surname is already double barrelled! (My DM refused to change her name so my parents became Mr and Mrs Her Name His Name)

Which means my surname is long enough without adding another one somewhere!

I want my DCs to have my name too(am I becoming a bit 'me me me'?) because I travel a lot and don't want problems at airports. and my surname is better

OP posts:
dinkystinky · 18/06/2010 11:23

Collecting a parcel on their behalf lingle - they're kids so have no form of ID other than passport So I have to go with them, their passport, birth certificate and a proof of ID that I'm me (.i.e. passport, photo ID driving licence) to be able to pick up a parcel. Have had this several times with the fricking post office.

Blu · 18/06/2010 11:23

If it were me, any pressure from the ILs to become part of their named clan, 'thiers' by name, would make me dig my heels in even more - because that does bring in connotations of chattledom!

exexpat · 18/06/2010 11:28

SkipHop - airports aren't really a big problem. I travel with the DCs a lot, and I've been asked maybe four or five times whether they are my children. Although I carry copies of their birth certificates with me, I have never actually had to produce them. The fact that they have my name as a middle name, and DD at least looks just like me, has always been enough for the passport control officer.

Petsville · 18/06/2010 11:28

YANBU - I also have an unusual name and kept it on marriage, for all purposes, and DH had no problem with it. It didn't seriously cross his mind that I might change, though we did toy with the idea of both changing to something new to mark the start of a new household that didn't belong to either his family or mine. I would actually have been quite worried if he had had a problem, as it would have suggested some important differences between us about my status and the nature of marriage. (We're giving his name to our baby when it arrives, which I feel a bit sad about, but that's pragmatism: he's going to be an SAHD and I'm going back to work, and it's an extra level of complication if he and the child don't share a surname.)

LilMagill · 18/06/2010 11:28

oh SkipHopJump, I didn't think that you thought you were "joining his family", just referring to what he seems to think!

re: DCs, could you give them your name as a middle name or a second middle name? Then they won't be triple-barrelled but your name will still be in there, and might help you avoid administrative hassles too? More the merrier I say, after all they don't have to use all the names every day.

haha Blu, me too!

KnottyLocks · 18/06/2010 11:29

YANBU

Your name is part of you and your identity and therefore it should be entirely your decision.

I kept my maiden name: it's quite unusual and it had been my professional name for years and it felt instinctively wrong to change it.
When we married I added DH's surname to mine. He kept his as it was, the DCs have his surname but have my maiden name as their middle name - a tradition from his side of the family. So we share the same surname in one way or another.

Have you asked him how he would feel if he felt pressurised to change his name? If he still doesn't get it, just start calling him Bert and don't stop until he does

(Unless his name is already Bert!)

cakeywakey · 18/06/2010 11:30

YANBU. I love my name too and didn't want to lose it. I would also have been the sixth or seventh Mrs xxxx in the family if I had changed it.

I compromised by going double-barrelled, which I see isn't a goer for you, although I have heard of the occassional triple-barreller!

However, DCs have DHs surname and I'm happy with that. It meant a lot to him and didn't really bother me. But if your DP is miffed that you don't want to take his name, he may not be happy for DCs not to take it either. People can be sooooo funny about it, without really being able to explain why.

slowshow · 18/06/2010 11:38

I'm getting married soon and I've always said I wouldn't change my surname. My mum was horrified and said "Oh well, you have plenty of time to change your name".

Well, I haven't. My name isn't super unusual but it's nicer than his and I want to keep it.

I know I'm setting myself up for a lifetime of hassle. And I know people will call me Mrs Hisname (I probably won't correct them unless it's strictly necessary). It'll probably be a complete pain in the arse, but I feel so strongly about it, I'm prepared to put up with it.

As for children (no kids yet) they can have his surname, but I want them to have mine as a middle name. I didn't realise having a different surname to your children would be such an issue! But my kids will be mixed race, so not only will I not look like their mother, I won't "sound" like their mother either. Look forward to that

ILovePlayingDarts · 18/06/2010 11:45

If I ever get married, I'm sticking to my own name. It's double-barrelled already, and his surname is very long also. The DCs have his name, by agreement.

pointissima · 18/06/2010 11:49

Oooooh! It's so nice to see so many people who think that this is not U. Why the Hell should one change one's name on marriage?

I did have a huge row with the post office- was trying to collect parcel addressed to DS who has DH's surname and, even though I had id showing same address they made me go and get ds's passport. The school tries but slips up a bit and calls me "Mrs. DH" sometimes; but I think they have just have trouble remembering another name.

The one that really irritates me is my MIL- she addresses everything to "Mrs. DH" even though she knows perfectly well that I have not changed my name for any purpose.

Changing one's name indicates an acceptance that one is "handed over" from father to husband on marriage, so I simply could not do it. DH not at all bothered.

Thing1Thing2 · 18/06/2010 11:53

I do a bit of both.

Own name for work (which is unique - no one else on Google).

His name for home life / passport / banking.

It works for me. Keeps my previous identity for work and lets me have the same surname as my husband and DC.

Someone once said that she would hate not to be listed with her DH and DB on a memorial list if they were ever involved in some disaster. I know that this sounds . But I can see her point. If we were involved in some horrid terrorist attack - then I dont want to be seen as unconnected with my husband and children.

stubbornhubby · 18/06/2010 11:53

keep your own name. you'll be known by both names anyway, and many women have one name at work/another at home, no one notices much ... it's not a big deal.

it's the name you give your children that is going to be the difficult decision...

belgo · 18/06/2010 11:54

YANBU. In Belgium the wife doesn't take on the man's surname, so I've kept my maiden name.

sayanything · 18/06/2010 11:56

It didn't even occur to me to change my name, I'm not my DH's possession. What made the idea worse was that in Greek, the female version of the surname is in the genitive/possessive, i.e., I would be sayanything of DH's. So no.

My MIL is unhappy, but we live in a country where it's almost impossible to change your name formally anyway, so she keeps quiet. I still get post addressed to Mrs My Husband, which annoys me no end: I don't even have a first name???

Stick to your guns, they'll get over it.

wonderingwondering · 18/06/2010 11:57

Doesn't it depend on what you see a name as standing for?

So if you see your first name as 'your' name, and your surname as an indicator of your family unit, then yes, it is important to have the same surname as your husband. Convention (and the most common economic situation perhaps - men are often the main breadwinner so need their professional name?) indicates the woman takes the man's name.

But if you want to depart from that, obviously it is up to you, and everyone will have a different reason (don't value the surname as a family identifier, professional identity, don't like the in-laws - not a good reason IMO - whatever).

But do think about the whole purpose of the compromise marriage requires, and the implications of creating a joint unit - for many women, the original surname is the first thing to go, and then when you have children, it's economic independence.

So the whole idea of a cohesive and recognisable family unit has a purpose, and what suits when you are an independent, childless woman might not be the way you look at things when you have 3 children and have given up, or slowed down, work to be the primary carer.

LilMagill · 18/06/2010 11:57

pointissima I would be sorely tempted to mark her post "not known at this address" and put it back in the postbox!

Personally don't even feel strongly about the tradition of taking the husband's name either way, but it's just basic respect to call someone by whatever they choose to go by, isn't it?

Original poster
SkipHopJump · 18/06/2010 11:57

Thing1thing2, I had thought about keeping my name professionally and then taking his name for 'everyday'. It just feels like such a bizarre concept when a lot of my identity is wrapped up in my full name. My nickname for example, has always been my 3 initials. It would feel so weird to have to change that. On the other hand, I also want the same surname as my children, and so does he. It seems like I want it all!

OP posts:
minipie · 18/06/2010 12:00

YANBU

I didn't change my name on marriage.

My mum didn't change hers either when she married back in the 70s.

Both of us love and respect our husbands and their families (well most of them ) very much. Our name has absolutely nothing to do with that.

Oh, and neither of us has has any practical issues caused by having a different surname from our husband or children. (In fact it's been a blessing not to have had to write to all and sundry asking them to change their records).

To be honest, I would have been seriously worried about marrying DH if he had been insistent on me taking his name. I'd worry about what other sexist/Victorian notions he might subscribe to.

Ryuk · 18/06/2010 12:06

"and the most common economic situation perhaps - men are often the main breadwinner so need their professional name" - uh, because people can't change their names and still keep their jobs?

"what suits when you are an independent, childless woman might not be the way you look at things when you have 3 children and have given up, or slowed down, work to be the primary carer." - because ovaries mean one must be the primary carer. Naturally. (I get that some women make less money than their partners, I really do, but I think assuming it's the case with the person you're talking to is a bit condescending.)

slug · 18/06/2010 12:07

YANBU. We had a similar conversation before getting married. DH thought we should have the same surname. I said "fine, we'll use mine". DH spluttered. I asked "why not?". Double baralleling does not work with our names and my first name with his surname is an alliterative nightmare.

The question is, if it's OK for you to change your name, then why is it not OK for him to change his?

Why should you compromise and give up your identity when he will not? Where's the equal partnership in that?

For the record, I kept my surname and he kept his. DD has his surname as his parents were keen for this to happen and I had no objection. It's not an issue at the school, plenty of women keep thier own names round our way. Yes, occasionally I get addressed as Mrs MRSlug, but I either ignore it or launch into a whithering feminist rant, depending on my mood

JaneS · 18/06/2010 12:07

How rude of your in-laws. It's really none of their business.

I'm not changing my name. My mum keeps wittering on about 'but what will I call you? But how will I address cards to you?' As if she's not had enough practice in the last 25 years!

SkaterGrrrrl · 18/06/2010 12:07

YANBU.

Keep your name - almost all my friends did when they got married.

belgo · 18/06/2010 12:08

SkipHopJump - what surname will you give your children?

qwertpoiuy · 18/06/2010 12:08

I'm married 14 years and I never changed my name.
Though my passport is in my married name.