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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to keep my own name when I get married?

141 replies

SkipHopJump · 18/06/2010 10:52

I have an unusual surname and I am the only one of 'me' in the world (slash the world of google and facebook)

DP's surname is very common, I already know a few people with my name and DP's surname. It's a bit like Dixon.

AIBU to want to keep my name? DP and I had a bit of an argument about it last night. He thinks it's offensive to not want his name, and that I am joining his family and should be happy about taking on their surname.

But that means that I would no longer be known by that name, which is a big part of my identity. And it would mean that the only person to carry on that name would be my DB.

OP posts:

Ryuk · 18/06/2010 12:08

To the OP - I can see why he might be surprised, but he really shouldn't be complaining! It's a good question as to what to do about the kids' names, however, and one partner and I are facing ourselves. Do let us know what you decide!

lingle · 18/06/2010 12:10

skip -

perhaps best to leave the whole children's name thing out of the discussion for now then.

wait till they have all accepted that you are not changing your own name.

belgo · 18/06/2010 12:11

The issue can of course be solved by not getting married, then you keep your name and your children get your name as well.

Angelcat666 · 18/06/2010 12:13

"On the other hand, I also want the same surname as my children, and so does he. It seems like I want it all!"

Equally it could be said that he wants it all.

YANBU You do need to talk to him about the children's names before you get married though.

SkaterGrrrrl · 18/06/2010 12:14

Oh and ask DH how he'd feel if he suddenly had to change his name as an adult - I bet he'd feel weird about it.

I know a couple where the husband recently changed his surnames to the wife's as it mattered to him that they share a surname- and why not? It's 2010, not 1950!

wonderingwondering · 18/06/2010 12:15

I'm not assuming anything, about the OP or any of the posters. But in the UK, the most common situation is that the woman is financially dependent on the male partner, and is the primary carer. And that perhaps explains why a) it is important to some people to have the same name as their children and b) why it is the man's name (as the 'provider') that is conventionally favoured.

And the idea of a family unit having a common name explains why the older generation are surprised when women don't change their name on marriage.

I don't care what people call themselves, and everyone has to make their own decision. But a lot of responses are suggesting that your name equates to 'ownership' and I think the reality is more subtle than that. And that the convention of the man's name taking dominance relates to the historic (but for many people, actual) economic dominance that men tend to hold, because women are more commonly the primary carer.

So not condescending (about the OP or anyone else) - more a thought about what a surname means and why the convention has arisen, which I think you should at least try to think about if departing from it, esp in the face of opposition from your future husband.

Squitten · 18/06/2010 12:15

I wanted us all (me, DH & kids) to have the same name and it was very convenient that I didn't really like my name and liked DH's so I just took his. DH taking my name would have sounded hideous

If you don't want to take his name, don't. It's very common nowadays. There is then the question over the kids but I guess you can't have it both ways if double-barrelling won't work so you have to make a choice!

Thing1Thing2 · 18/06/2010 12:22

The two name thing has actually worked very well for me. Its difficult to get used to for the first few years and now I just change automatically without a second thought.

I didn't do much about taking on his name until the kids came along. And now I am so glad we all have the same name - makes us feel like a family unit. Its not like its an old name (his father made it up when coming to the UK) and DH has very little family (all of PILs family were murdered in the second world war)- so it really does feel like its OUR family name.

But I still keep my original idenity for work.

I think in our lives we have different identities in different stages of our lives - so why not different names?

And surely no one now believes it has anything to do with being owned by your husband?

turkeyboots · 18/06/2010 12:34

Seem lately that less women I know are keeping their family names afer marriage. My IL refuse to accept the fact I'm not Mrs MyHusband and after 10 years am getting close to send birthday cards back as "not known at this address"! Is espically odd and DH's name is acutally his step-Dads, but his biological dad is the biggest offender at calling me Mrs MyHusband.

And our DC have both our names. DH is double barreled, so we droped the last bit and added in my name. So now I get called any variety of 3 second names!

nagoo · 18/06/2010 12:34

You do need to talk about the kids thing. I think that for my DH it would have been a dealbreaker if I had insisted that our DCs had my name. I wanted to have to same name as my DC so I took his.

And it was a load of grief (in banks, doctors etc) having a different name to my son before I got married.

MrsC2010 · 18/06/2010 12:37

I changed my name, but I wasn't expected to. So you are definitely not being unreasonable.

CakeandRoses · 18/06/2010 12:41

YADNBU! I can scarcely believe that anyone still thinks it could possibly be unreasonable to want to keep your own name!

But... I do believe it as it's exactly the reaction I got when I choose to keep mine - and I actually hyphenated it to hisname-myname so didn't even not 'take' his! The reason I did this was that it was v important to me to have the same name as my DC and I knew DH would be unhappy for them to have my name only.

DH was ok about after much explanation on my part, although he made it very clear his preference would be that I took his name. The ILs went mad, they were so 'angry' and 'hurt' (their words).

I think the ILs problem was more about their precious GC's surnames than mine as DS has the same surname as me (as will DC2).

Oh and the fact that I choose hisname-myname (because it sounds better that way round) rather than myname-hisname which supposedly more 'correct', ie the ILs were worried hisname would be relegated to a middle name then eventually dropped. In actual fact, I correct people who call me or my son just myname as I don't really identify with it anymore!

Also, another one here that's a little at the 'joining his family' comment.

muppetgirl · 18/06/2010 12:41

just reading your op and not the thread.

I also have an unusual name and both my brothers were out of the country so if I had children our surname would disappear (my dad is an only child)

I talked to dh and explained it meant a lot to me to keep my name so we comprimised by putting both together and double barreling.

Our name is MR and MRS his surname-my surname

Our children have the same name.

This has been very important for me and I am so pleased dh could see my side and change for me and not just insist on the traditional way.

muppetgirl · 18/06/2010 12:45

I just wanted to add that dh has leagally changed his name for passport and legal documents so we are all the same.

Wordsmith · 18/06/2010 12:46

I don't see why you should have to change your name at all if you don't want to - what's it got to do with your in-laws? It all goes back to the days when women were the posessions of their husband and their husband's family. I'm sure that's not an era we want to revisit!

I changed my name but that was 20 years ago. I didn't have strong feelings about it but then, I was neutral about my pre-marriage surname, which isn't the case here.

It can get tricky with kids, but even trickier if you divorce and remarry and have new kids. I have a friend who on marriage to Mr A became Mrs A and and had a son, then divorced very amicably and kept on calling herself Ms A (rather than reverting to her maiden name) because she wanted her son to have the same name as her. Then she remarried Mr B and became Mrs B-A (so taking the name of BOTH husbands). The son stayed as master A. Then she and Mr B had a daughter who is also Miss B-A (as she wants her daughter to have a similar surname to her daughter!) So the little girl has a surname which relates to her mother's ex-husband.

All a bit flippin' confusing if you ask me.

alexisfaith · 18/06/2010 12:47

YADNBU

I think I've said this before, but I kept my surname for various reasons. 1) It was changed unofficially to my stepdad's surname as a kid and I hated that; I got my name 'back' as a teenager. 2) I love sharing my surname with my grandparents and other close relatives (my mum regrets changing her name) 3) My ILs are crazy nutjobs and DH doesn't want us or our future children associated with them. 4) We are both 'Doctor' and so want, individually, to keep the names and titles of our PhDs.

Our children will either be my name or - DH's idea - 'a new one we come up with' . Definitely not his surname as we don't want to associate much with his parents.

threelittlepebbles · 18/06/2010 12:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Wordsmith · 18/06/2010 12:48

Should have previewed that post. I mean she wanted the daughter to have the same surname as her brother, is what I meant to say!

foreverastudent · 18/06/2010 12:50

YANBU- your DF doesnt sound like a very nice person to be coming out with c* like that.

muppetgirl · 18/06/2010 12:50

dh is the double barrelled for work though his signature is just his name. The bank said it was fine that his signature deosn't relate to his written name!

BigBadMummy · 18/06/2010 12:54

More and more women are chosing to keep their surnames. If you want to do this, then go for it.

It doesnt make you any less married or committed to him!

My DH's first wife kept her name.

When we married I couldn't wait to ditch my surname so did adopt his.

You might want to consider which surname you would give any DCs, though.

That is the only problem I now have. Having married, taken on ex-H's surname, had DCs, and then divorced (hence wanting to ditch that surname when I remarried) my DCs do have a different surname from us now.

Despite the school being informed etc I still get instances of DH picking up the phone and being greeted with "is that Mr X" because that is the surname of the DCs. I am looking forward to the day he says "no, sorry, he is under the patio. This is Mr Y".

But for now if you want to keep your name, go for it.

BitOfFun · 18/06/2010 12:55

I have always kept my name and never had any trouble. My children have their dads' surnames. Despite this I've never had any problems at all with it.

Takver · 18/06/2010 12:58

Of course YANBU. Like others have said, if it is important to DH that you have a family name, he has the option to change his surname to yours. (Not so uncommon these days.)

I thought keeping your own name was very normal practice now anyway particularly if you have a professional job because of the 'reputation' thing.

Have never had any comments on it myself, although occasionally people are surprised that we're married (but I think mainly because we don't seem the sort, plus we got married young so before we knew most of our current social circle).

FutureMum · 18/06/2010 14:13

YANBU, stick to your guns. I had similar problem when I got married a few years ago. I'm Spanish, so had to shed my second surname in England anyway because people kept getting confused and thought I was a man (!). So basically I get letters adressed in three or four different ways now, which is a small price to pay. I really wanted to keep my surname as a connection to my parents, and I see the wedding ring as the connection to my husband (apart from our huge feelings).
Don't do anything you'd feel uncomfortable with, they'll come around to it.

InmyheadIminParis · 18/06/2010 14:15

YANBU - and don't worry, it's rarely been any kind of problem for me.

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