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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to keep my own name when I get married?

141 replies

SkipHopJump · 18/06/2010 10:52

I have an unusual surname and I am the only one of 'me' in the world (slash the world of google and facebook)

DP's surname is very common, I already know a few people with my name and DP's surname. It's a bit like Dixon.

AIBU to want to keep my name? DP and I had a bit of an argument about it last night. He thinks it's offensive to not want his name, and that I am joining his family and should be happy about taking on their surname.

But that means that I would no longer be known by that name, which is a big part of my identity. And it would mean that the only person to carry on that name would be my DB.

OP posts:
pagwatch · 18/06/2010 18:20

I changed my name but I totally see why some people don't want to .It is just a matter to sort out between the couple and not really anyone elses business.

had my DH been pushy I would have been a bit tbh. If he wanted us to have the same name and acknowledge the joining of our families so much then I would have suggested that he change his.
But he was happy with whatever I chose to do.

People suggested double barrelled but I think they are absoloutely dreadful. But obviously most people do not.
I was in the middle of telling one woman how awful I though they were when I recalled that she was Mrs Mighty Pokedoff

Do what you like. It will be interesting in terms of your future life together to see how well he respects your wishes

JuneMammy · 18/06/2010 18:22

YANBU.. I think it is unreasonable to be expected to give up your own name unless you want to. I'm very attached to my own (fairly unusual) surname. And i am also keen to keep my name as, for me, it is indicative of my attachment to my own family.

However, my soon to be born DC will take my husband's surname, as it would just be too awkward for him/her to go with a double-barrel name. If your happy for any children to go with your husband's name your husband might be content with that. But I totally understand how you feel it is part of your identity and i would try and explain this to DH too.

fridayschild · 18/06/2010 18:25

I have kept my name.

DCs have DH's name - although he is one of 3 brothers he is the only one with children, so the "line" is with ours. It is an incredibly common surname, I really cannot see what it matters, but it matters to DH whereas what I call myself is less important. Dcs have my surname as one of their middle names. I think the children's surname issue helped anyone worried about my fanatical feminist stance of keeping my own name

I have never had any problems with having a different name to the children, passport, post office, schools, whatever. Nor am I so obsessed with my own name that I mind when people call me Mrs DH, because they know the children's surname.

friends of mine with one name at work and one at home tell me it is a huge PITA. One especially felt that when she went on maternity leave the person she had been all her life was left behind in those pre-baby days, which doesn't really help in the less delightful moments of motherhood.

Magalyxyz · 18/06/2010 18:28

No yanbu. DOn't go on about it though. As that seems to come across as women justifying a reasonable decision to me. so just keep your name, no analysis.

EricNorthmansmistress · 18/06/2010 18:30

Fab my name is my name, not my dad's name. Sure it came from him but now it's mine. So I would be giving up my name for a man's name.

Original poster
SkipHopJump · 18/06/2010 18:40

That's true fab, but my name is my mum and dad name. And it's jazzier than DP's!

OP posts:
WillbeanChariot · 18/06/2010 18:48

I didn't change mine. I didn't discuss it with DH, just told him I wasn't changing. DS has DH's name and mine as a middle name. The only hting that bothers me is that DH's family all seem to think we have double-barrelled and DH has not corrected them.

I am always amazed at how many people do change their names. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't be arsed with the admin!

piscesmoon · 18/06/2010 18:51

I think you should have a free choice. It just seems odd to me, I prefer to be a unit with my DH and DCs, rather than with my brothers and parents.

TottWriter · 18/06/2010 18:52

Ironically, when I had my DS, (DP and I are engaged but can't afford to get actually married yet) it was my grandmother who enquired why DS had to have Dp's surname, or even why I had to change my name when we do get married. The older generations aren't always wedded to tradition. For the OP's future in-laws to be so worked up about it is a bit sad.

Saying that, I do half wonder if my nan simply wanted our family name to carry on, as none of my siblings (the only ones to carry my grandfather's name) look like they'll be having children any time soon. so it might be traditionalism of a different sort. Still, she had a valid point. I am going to change my name officially, but I'll still use my "maiden" name for quite a few things, such as books (should I ever get published).

Lonnie · 18/06/2010 19:01

keep your surname if thats important to you

BUT accept it is equally important for your dh for the 2 of you to have his so have some respect for his feelings

it is not unresonable to wish to keep your surname however YABU with regards to the throw away comment
"the kids can have my surname"

THAT is a joint decision for the 2 of you to make not one you can just brush away with a simple decision..

For the record

  1. I took my husbands surname it was a name I like

  2. it doesn't make me his posession it makes me Mrs (surname) just like you keeping yours will make you MRS (Surname) even if you decide to use MS or keep Miss

  3. my name is not my identity I am much more than a silly name my parents picked for me and did a poor job for.. my married name that I have now had for 14 years is not my identity either its just a name..

Talk with your dp work something out see what works yes you are making a family unit so allow him a equal say in what happens to that family unit its called teamwork

fotheringhay · 18/06/2010 19:01

I changed to dh's but purely because it's a much nicer surname.

I definitely don't think any women should feel they have to.

mummytime · 18/06/2010 19:09

I didn't change my name. DC have DH's surname, and mine as last middle name, they can go double barreled when older if they want. My surname is hard to spell.
I've had no problems practically. (Except the registrar who with all 3 asked a weird question about them not having my surname.)

edam · 18/06/2010 19:35

Minipie, that's not quite right. The stuff about changing your name on marriage being voluntary is true but there is no absolute need for a deed poll if you want a new name at any other time. Legally you can call yourself what the hell you like as long as there's no intent to deceive.

A deed poll may make things easier when dealing with officialdom but it is entirely optional.

lingle · 18/06/2010 19:45

"just like you keeping yours will make you MRS (Surname) even if you decide to use MS or keep Miss"

no it doesn't, I don't think. can anyone confirm.

LilMagill · 18/06/2010 19:48

Think you're right lingle, you can use whatever title you like. There's no rule.

www.ukdps.co.uk/AWomansRightsUponMarriage.html#ChangingTitle

edam · 18/06/2010 19:50

Yup, lingle's right, whether with titles or with names you can call yourself what the hell you like as long as there's no intent to deceive. So the Duchess of Devonshire is out because there is a real one (well two, one's a dowager) but PrincessEdam would be fine. As long as I didn't demand people start bowing or try to get favourable terms on my bank account!

LilMagill · 18/06/2010 19:52

i.e. what you choose to go by is your name, there is no hidden process making you "really" a Mrs if you decide to use Ms or Miss. OK some people might consider you a "Mrs" despite what you call yourself, but that's up to them, not what your "real" title is in any legal sense.

EveWasFramed10 · 18/06/2010 19:56

I double barrelled with no hyphen, and gave DD the double barrel, but not DS...first because my surname can also be a girl's first name, but also because I liked the idea of my surname being passed down on the female line, rather than the male.

I added DH's name because of the children...I liked the idea that we would all share the same name, but most people still call me Ms. Maiden Name, so I haven't felt like I've given up my identity.

EveWasFramed10 · 18/06/2010 19:59

Oh, and I use Ms...always have, always will.

Paddingtonblue · 18/06/2010 20:58

I kept my name when we married and DSs have my name. DH thinks he will change his name to mine, but it hasn't happened yet. I haven't had any problem with the children-have-different-name thing but then I suppose that I am the one that normally does things like take them to the dentist and I have the same name as them. I go by Ms because when someone says Mrs XX I look around for my mother.

echt · 18/06/2010 21:40

Your name, your choice.

I've never used my husband's name, for raging feminist reasons. By agreement, male DCs would have his surname, and females mine.

We have a DD, who, by happy accident, looks nothing like me, and everything like DH, so I'm doubly glad she has my name.

Lerato · 18/06/2010 22:02

There is no way I would change my surname. DH happy, which is good because any hassle to change would have been a deal breaker. It is that important to me.
If he had asked my dad for permission to marry me, the engagement would have been off too. Luckily DH is very laid back about these issues and agrees with my feminist standpoint.
Still get post addressed to Mrs DH surname though. Bloody annoying. I use Ms as well.

zipzap · 18/06/2010 22:34

I didn't change my name and it's amazing the number of people that I'm close to (mum, sis..) and that should know better (mil, fil etc) that will send stuff to Mrs Husband's surname instead of Ms maiden name. Especially as my name sounds horrid with dh's surname.

When ds was born it was a tricky time and issue of sticking my name into his never really came up - just didn't have time to get around to thinking of it.

When ds2 was born I had gotten around to thinking about it and regretted not having it for ds1 so said I wanted it for ds2. Unfortunately had been so busy that didn't get round to discussing it with dp until we were actually at the registry office. he didn't want to have it as he thought it would be unfair to ds1, they should either both have it or neither. which I do see but would have been relatively easy to add it to ds1's name if we had a reason. So we didn't. But now he is at school and it would mean changing names of both boys, just too much hassle and don't think dp wants it so it is convenient for him too not to change... still makes me

What also didn't help was that we weren't really sure about ds2's second name. Had hundreds of different names for girls - but no boys names that we liked. Despite making registrar's appointment as late as we could we were still discussing it going into her office. I like the first name, I don't like his second name and I still have no idea why he ended up with it, despite me bursting into tears in the office and the registrar having to go out for a few minutes

elportodelgato · 18/06/2010 22:46

YANBU one little bit. Why do men get so weird about this thing? My FIL had a big go at me pre-wedding about this and I had to set him straight in no uncertain terms that i would never be 'Mrs DH' and he had to get over it. Which he has

So I kept my name when I got married and even though we made a bit of a point of it on our wedding invites and at the ceremony, some members of our families do insist on calling me 'Mrs DH' on letters etc. I very politely correct them each time it happens, just so they know. It's only been 3 years [sigh] but I'm sure they'll get the message one day. I am a little bit tempted to send a card to my auntie (married 45 years) addressing her by her maiden name just to demonstrate how disrespectful it is to call someone by the wrong name...

However - children - we have one DD who has both surnames (mine first, then DHs) and they are not hyphenated but they are both surnames and not middle names IYSWIM. I know it's a bit unwieldy for her, but perhaps in the future she might decide a) to keep both and sound all glamorous and American b) to use my name which is very common and easy to spell over the phone or c) use DHs name which is very unusual and a bugger to spell over the phone. Her choice though.

cerealqueen · 18/06/2010 22:56

Still puzzles me that there is a certain expectation is some quarters that women change their name or that children have the father's name. It is a throwback to a well bygone age when women and children were, in the eyes of the law, the property of the man.
If you don't want to do it, then don't.