to want to keep my own name when I get married?

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I have an unusual surname and I am the only one of 'me' in the world (slash the world of google and facebook)

DP's surname is very common, I already know a few people with my name and DP's surname. It's a bit like Dixon.

AIBU to want to keep my name? DP and I had a bit of an argument about it last night. He thinks it's offensive to not want his name, and that I am joining his family and should be happy about taking on their surname.

But that means that I would no longer be known by that name, which is a big part of my identity. And it would mean that the only person to carry on that name would be my DB.

I know a couple that, when they got married the wife didn't want to change her name to her husband's as she had the same first name as his first wife so it would feel too much like she had change to being wife no1 if you see what i mean.

In the end the husband changed his name by deed poll before the wedding to just his first and second names, dropping his surname as his second name is the sort of name that gets used both as a first name and surname.

They 'announced' this by getting married in his new name - and she took his new surname. Meant a big shock for husband's father during the wedding - still not sure that he has forgiven him for doing away with precious family surname and took a long time until he started talking to his son again!

And it meant that they both started their married life together with new names, which was nice.

I didn't changed my name - it seemed an absurd thing to do to be honest, for both professional and personal reasons. My name is not unusual but it is mine. ANd I remember being rather appalled at how eager my sister was to cast off her name the day she got married - arranged a new passport in advance etc. Saying that, I do sometimes use my married name at the DCs' school for convenience but my email/passport/back account etc are all in my maiden name.

There is occasionally some mild confusion when I can't remember what name I've booked something in plus I agree, I've had some trouble collecting parcels in my daughter's name. And my family will insist on writing me cheques in my married name but neither the bank or the post office made much of a fuss once I explained. DH insisted that the children took his name and as he felt very strongly about this (and we lived in Spain at the time where the child gets both names anyway) I conceded.

This is a little known fact but you can have your passport in both married and maiden names and you can legally travel in either name. The passport identifies you as having both "identities".

i am reading further, but i wanted to comment on this one first:

"He told his parents and they can't understand me either. He is fully pissing me off! "

i had the same problem with my ex's parents - his name is completely and utterly awful, i mean awful, and apart from the fact that i wanted to keep my own name anyway, there was no way i would take on his name (or allow my children to). his mum was totally shocked!
she took his dad's name without even thinking about it, and couldn't understand why i thought it was dreadful not even to contemplate it!

my DF's name is not very good either, so my stance hasn't changed. he's okay with it, and we've invented a name that's a mix of our two for any children. but he couldn't understand why i wouldn't be Mrs when i used my maiden name...
took him ages to understand/believe me when i explained i would still be Ms.

well, firstly, I know a lot of woman who have kept their maiden name for professional reasons, but legally changed their name for family - as a PA this has causes several travel traumas over the years when someone lets you buy a plane ticket in their professional name without remembering to tell you their passport is in their married name...

However, if you're surname is actually a double barrelling of your mum and dad's surnames, then the traditional option would be to take your Dad's surname and double barrel it with your DH's name to make a new name for your family - the third option?

I'd also be tempted to add your mum's surname as an extra middle name to keep that in the family too.

BTW - I'd always been known as my initials for my nickname, and although I like having DH's surname (it's far nicer than the one I was born with ) I really miss being known by my old initials. Lots of my old friends use it still, which confuses people who've only known me since I got married

I changed my name, both professionally and personally, to my husband's when we got married (and even before when I arranged for my new passport).

I certainly am not his possession but we wanted to have the same name for our new family, for both of us and any children we might have.

I also didn't want the confusion of remembering 'who' I was, whether Dr MaidenName or Mrs MarriedName.

wrt to the double-barrelling thing - you could still double-barrell them, but use only one of your surnames as the hyphenated part.
you could use the other part as a middle name if you wanted.

so, say you were huffingham-jones and DH is dixon,

your DCs could be eric jones huffingham-dixon
or eric huffingham dixon-jones.

surely he is joining your family as much as you are joining his?

i do think it is an outdated tradition. why is it expected that a woman must take her new husband's name?

but you do need to sort this with your OH befor you get married. what about double-barrelled?

I hyphenated, and I regret it deeply. if I hadn't married so young (well, 24) I'd have just kept mine.

Our daughter has the same surname as me, though. My husband couldn't be arsed hyphenating, but I dug my heels in about her surname (because really, in the choice between mylast-hislast and just hislast, I clearly had right on my side) and so he's the one with the odd name out now.

But the hyphen is so annoying. I have to give my name over the phone several times daily, my professional email address is firstname.surname-hyphen-surname.companyname.com.au and I'm exhausted just typing that, his surname (so the second half of mine) has to be spelt out, etc.

I do understand what wondering means about professional names - a lot of my female colleagues use their maiden names professionally although they took their husbands' names in other parts of life; I'm a lawyer and you get admitted to the Bar under a certain surname, with your practising certificate and whatnot under that name. To change it and be legally recognised as a practitioner under a new name you have to apply to the Bar Association, which is enough of a hassle that mostly my friends just practise under unmarried names.

Er.

long post short (sorry) keep your damn name. Honestly.

fakeplastic I too am known by my initials. Shame it is an infectious disease

At least they are same initials I had before I re-married though so whilst I am still an infection I can keep my personal number plate.

I read somewhere that legally your new married name is your new name by default. You chose to use your existing name.

My mother kept her maiden name although she is still married to my father, I had my father's name until I was 26 when I changed it by deedpoll to my mother's name.

I've since got married but have kept my 'new' maiden name and have an 8 month old who (after quite a bit of argy-bargy) ended up with her father's name. Came back from visiting my parents and the Passport control took me aside to question why I was carrying a baby with different name - said I ought to carry a birth certificate to clarify my relationship to her. Was quite suprised given how common it is to have a child with a different surname to the mother's and aren't married...

Anyway, like others here, my in-laws still address all kinds of cards and messages to me as Mrs DH's name, {shrugs}, they'll never get it, but my mum was chuffed

BBM - it's the other way round - you will always be your existing name, but being married means you have the right to take on your husband's name as well as or instead of your own.

I have also kept my unusual name and while it doesn't bother my husband it seems the rest of his family have nothing more to worry about! My name is part of me and I don't see why I should change it. My MIL actually asked if it was legal for a wife not to change her name!

Stick to your guns !

I changed my name when I got married and my surname has now finished.

"I read somewhere that legally your new married name is your new name by default. You chose to use your existing name."

I've heard this, but it's a myth.

What is true is that, if you change your name on marriage, you don't need to do it by deed poll. If you change your name any other time you do (for it to be legal).

However, there is no automatic change of name on marriage ie. you don't have to do anything if you want to keep your name.

I was glad to get rid of mine. It really was a fairly simple name to read, but my god everyone had such problems with it!

There's no getting my new surname wrong.

Having said that I've not changed my signature, but it's a bit of a scribble anyway so you can't really see what it says...

Def keep your maiden name,I've been married 15 years and would never have considered changing my surname.

Pros
When I need to sound very efficient I introduce myself as Miss B..........
You know instantly who is a cold caller when they say hello Mrs W.....
No postal mix ups.

cons
My Mother insisted on sending parcels addressed to Mrs W..... which I then could'nt retrieve from the post office as there is no such person, and therefore no evidence-she got there in the end.

DD has DH surname and her middle name is just 'B' to represent my surname,which really suits her and she likes it.(Although some people think she has made it up and is too embaressed to give her full middle name.Bodicea or similar I imagine}

But maybe it was for the best, as we now can't be referred to as 'The Waltons'

ton, i would say the one about your mother sending parcels to the PO would be a pro, personally - means she's forced to understand what your name is.

that's one thing i'll never understand, why the woman's mother so often assumes the name change - it's bizarre. why would it be easier for a mum to call her daughter by someone else's name than her own?

smallwhitecat - what nonsense .

All these people eager to not take their husbands name already have a mans name...

that's funny - I've also had problems with my own mother writing to me in my husband's name. My in-laws never had a problem with me not changing.

It's a very personal thing, and most people see it as a positive thing to change their name so we shouldn't disparage it. It just wasn't for me.

that's true, Fab, but the argument is having their own name, not just because it's their dad's name.

I kept mine. For lots of reasons.

1. we moved two months before we married and I'd gone through the hassle of changing all details. Didn't want to go through it again for a name change

1. dh is from overseas and I'm swamped by his culture and I look like I'm from his country (I'm not) so another reason to keep my name.

1. He name is pure comedy. Mine isn't any great shakes but it sounds credible. And our names couldn't be hyphenated together (uber horrible and comedy).

Only think I'd say is that ds has dh's name and when I go abroad they keep saying I should take a birth cert to prove our connection. That I hate.

I was talking to an elderly lady about this the other day. She was showing me a photo of her late husband who was Polish and had a name that was unpronouncable to most English people.

She told me that when they married, they had picked a new surname together. When I asked why they didn't just both use her surname, she said 'Oh no, dear, one always changes one's surname at marriage'!

How times have changed.....

YANBU
end of
if you want to keep your name you do so. Nobody has the right to tell you to change it, or make you feel guilty for not doing so.