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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

...to not want to take my shoes off...

248 replies

BetterGetTheKidsTeaOn · 17/06/2010 23:09

when I've arrived at someone's house for a dinner party having spent ages choosing what to wear, including footwear?
Surely you can't expect people to get dressed up to come round for a meal and then ask them to wander around in their socks/tights (or even worse, popsocks hiding under knee-length boots!)

OP posts:
OrmRenewed · 18/06/2010 12:08

It's quite unreasonable in those circumstances, all scrubbed up and smart. If you'd just come in from walking the dogs through muddy fields or mucking out a stable I'd agree - but I know no-one that wouldn't take their footwear off in those circumstance.

toccatanfudge · 18/06/2010 12:17

"but I know no-one that wouldn't take their footwear off in those circumstance."

agree - I'm not in the habit of walking in dog shit, or deliberately traipsing through puddles and mud when I'm walking to and from town

bluecardi · 18/06/2010 12:22

I always take my shoes off & expect my kids to. But for a dinner party or special event I wouldn't expect anyone to take shoes off as they are part of the outfit.

Oenopod · 18/06/2010 12:26

children need to be exposed to everyday germs to build up their immune systems.

Floors are designed to be walked on. Don't get expensive floors that you value above your friends comfort.

It is the height of rudeness to insist people take their shoes off - smacks of suburban one-upmanship. Small-minded and petty.

If you've got really muddy boots on then yes, take 'em off, but normal shoes, especially party shoes, absolutely no way!

Do you live in a show house or a HOME.

rockinhippy · 18/06/2010 12:39

Depends on the flooring, but yes YAB a bit U....I wouldn't think anything of it at all if it were me

I personally wouldn't worry in our house, the type of wood flooring we have won't be damaged by either spiky heels or muddy shoes......though I would expect any friend to be good mannered enough to take off any very dirty boots shoes, WITHOUT been asked

DDs friends are always asked to take theres off though...as it amages me where there feet can end up.........once had to repaint the wall over her bed....as it was covered in trainer foot prints

as its a dinner party, & people are likely dressing up, do they have the type of flooring that damages easily with spikey heels??, or the obvious cream carpets?....in which case, it would make sense to make it a rule for all...rather than just single out certain friends...

Round here its no smoking, smoke in the yard, no-one bar MIL has ever complained (when DD was tiny, & she got short shift

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 18/06/2010 12:43

Petty, paranoid, rude and inhospitable. YANBU.

jessiealbright · 18/06/2010 12:45

I am amazed at these threads. I was brought up to think it was the height of rudeness to go to another's house and not remove my shoes. This might be because my mother rented, and she wouldn't get the deposit back if the carpets got wrecked.

Many people still don't actually own their homes these days, actually. Deposits are nice things to get back, and I certainly don't enjoy unnecessary housework.

I never realised it was so controversial until mumsnet (although, I previously asked fil to remove his honking great muddy workboots and he got offended, but he gets offended over everything. Ironically, he's also a very offensive man... I thought his refusal to remove his shoes in a rented house containing crawling twins was merely another facet.)

MamaVoo · 18/06/2010 12:51

Agree with Oenopod, and I have pale carpets and wooden floors.

toccatanfudge · 18/06/2010 12:52

well re rented places

a) you can hire carpet cleaners
b) reasonable wear and tear is allowed
c) I've rented in houses with carpets, and people have worn shoes a) we had a decent door mat b) they never really got that mucky c) we got our deposit back and we didn't even have to clean them!

Surprise · 18/06/2010 12:55

But why do people think your shoes are dirty? That's what doormats are for! You wipe your feet, thus removing dog shit/mud/little specks of dust. God some of you people are just OBSESSED.

I have been to a friend's house this morning where I had to remove my shoes ON THE DOORSTEP, in the rain FFS! Then she insisted on showing me her garden, so I had to go and get my shoes, carry them through the house, put them on at the back door, walk round the garden, remove them outside the back door, walk back through to the front door.... FFS! Wiping my feet would have been far easier.

slug · 18/06/2010 12:55

It's a cultural thing. I grew up in NZ where there are cultural prohibitions about shoes and marae (meeting places) By extension, and coupled with the weather andout door lifestyle, wearing shoes in the house is something many people don't do. I get a bit stressed if I keep my shoes on inside (though bizzarely not at work) so i have no problems with people asking me to take my shoes off. You'll find something similar in Japanese and Korean homes where there is always a spare pair of slippers by the front door for guests.

IHeartKittensAndWine · 18/06/2010 13:02

Re rental flat - QCA sell decent personal steam cleaners - 20quid outlay got us back the WHOLE depost

Chathappy · 18/06/2010 13:05

I always take my shoes off when I go in someones house (and my ds1 automatically does this too now). I just think it's a matter of respecting someone's house. Especially if they have a light coloured carpet that can get wrecked so easily (even without stepping in dogsh*t or puddles!).

I have light carpet too but my hallway and kitchen and dining room are tiled so I never expect anyone to take their shoes off there (and often they dont which is fine). We have lots of different friends round and I can actually honestly say that I have never had to ask one of them to take their shoes off anyway as they automatically do it before they walk on our carpet.

Saying that, because I never really have to ask anyone, I think I would feel to embarrassed to ask someone to remove their shoes to walk on our carpet (if they did leave them on). As I wouldn't want to appear rude and inhospitable.

IHeartKittensAndWine · 18/06/2010 13:08

Meant QVC

jessiealbright · 18/06/2010 13:13

"well re rented places

a) you can hire carpet cleaners
b) reasonable wear and tear is allowed
c) I've rented in houses with carpets, and people have worn shoes a) we had a decent door mat b) they never really got that mucky c) we got our deposit back and we didn't even have to clean them!"

I suppose this is all true, although I do point out that I have seen tales of woe on mumsnet concerning moving every six months. In which case, it seems to me that the money and time involved to clean carpets seems quite significant. Suppose you could buy an actual cleaning device, as opposed to renting.

Mind you, concerning this thread's main subject, I would make an exception for purely party shoes. Otherwise though, I feel I have a right to wander around my own home in socks, and have said socks remain clean, (and here's the kicker) yet not have to clean floors any extra. I'm selfish, and put my day to day comfort above that of my guests, y'see. Still, I don't force people to come over, at least. Small mercies, eh?

piscesmoon · 18/06/2010 13:34

These threads never go anywhere. I think it very rude. If you have been for a muddy walk it is understandable and only polite to take them off without being asked, but if you are dressed up and and they are part of the outfit they are clean and slippers or bare feet spoils the look. I am trying hard to imagine people getting honours from the Queen, all dressed up in their best finery and shuffling up in slippers or stocking feet!!
Perhaps you should go in outdoor shoes and put on your chosen shoes and tell them they have never touched the ground outside-quite likely.

mistletoekisses · 18/06/2010 13:39

YABU

Am an offie. Think it is height of rudeness to think you can traipse whatever crap you have accumulated on the bottom of the shoes round someones house.

I live in a home, not a show house. But it is my home, and my rules.

piscesmoon · 18/06/2010 13:46

I think you are quite right mistletoeskisses-and one person that I wouldn't bother visiting!

Iggisfulloftayto · 18/06/2010 13:47

I feel a bit undressed without my shoes on. Would definitely put me ill at ease - so won't enjoy the party and wouldn't think my host was very good at making me welcome!
Perhaps if some lovely slippers waiting at the door for me like Slug mentioned.

kickassangel · 18/06/2010 13:49

someone questioned whether the UK really is so unusual in keeping shoes on indoors & the answer is yes.

having lived/stayed with families in various countries, I can ONLY think of the UK as being a 'shoes on' kind of place, and in fact a good % of people in the UK do take shoes off.

For some reason, in the UK people worry about showing their socks. In just about every other country I have any experience of, wearing your shoes inside is like sitting down with your coat on & umbrella still held above your head - really odd, you just don't do it!

Loads & loads of countries have houses built with a tile entranceway/boot/mud/laundry room as people arrive at the house, because everyone removes their shoes.

and those saying you value friendship above possessions - that can be turned around. i value my friends sufficiently, that i don't deliberately walk across their floors with outdoor shoes, knowingly damaging them. I would not do that any more than I'd walk past their car, scratching it with a metal clip on my handbag. Nor do I swing on their chairs, causing them damage. It's polite to show respect for other people & their belongings.

oh, and if you're so attached to the look of your shoes, btw, i have received many compliments on a pair of red suede heels, which people notice as they arrive/leave.

mistletoekisses · 18/06/2010 13:53

awww pisces - dont be like that.

I throw great summer garden parties. My pimms is second to none. And everyone gets to keep their shoes on....

BeenBeta · 18/06/2010 13:54

I always take my shoes off when visiting other people's houses. Many people express surprise at this but I just think it is polite.

I ask people to take shoes off in our house. It is a very very good way to keep a house clean and frankly, I do not want the contents of the pavement outside our house bringing in.

In my experience, estate agents are just the worst at marching into houses without taking their shoes off. If I was doing the job, I would carry slippers with me.

Maybe its because I grew up on a farm and footwear had to be taken off for obvious reasons.

Herecomesthesciencebint · 18/06/2010 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iggisfulloftayto · 18/06/2010 13:59

Seems clear this is just about what you're used to doing. If you're brought up doing this, to keep shoes on seems rude, but if it's something you never encountered then obviously you're going to think it's normal to keep them on. Diff'rent strokes. Some people are very judgy pants about it though, esp the ones who think all shoes are lined with crap!

Shodan · 18/06/2010 14:04

I'm rather entertained by the idea of all this crap I'm supposedly trailing through the house on a regular basis.

I don't go deliberately seeking out piles of dog/cat/fox crap to jump in, neither do I dangle my shod feet down any loos to gather the human sort.

My floors seem, admittedly to the naked eye, quite clean.

But, you know, whatever makes you happy. I wouldn't dream of asking anyone to remove their shoes unless they wanted to stick their feet up on the sofa but if they want to, then why not.

I can safely say that none of my friends or family would ask this, but we're quite a relaxed bunch of people.

Oh actually, I do remember one friend from school who had this rule- but theirs was the kind of house where you sat up straight on the sofa and spoke in hushed tones.

Not what I want for my friends and family.