To be wary of 'baby led' or 'child led' as concepts?

[Chil1234]

It's been gathering ground, I've noticed The fashion to preface new trendy parenting practices with the words 'child led' or 'baby led'. Does it make anyone else feel uncomfortable?

If we're delegating leadership to our children rather than the adults setting the agenda what does that say about modern parenting? And should we be surprised if in future, all of these kids grow up expecting mum and dad to meekly trot along behind, obeying their every whim?

It's very worrying - children do not have any idea what is good or safe for them. That's why they have parents.

I agree. I had mine 18 & 16 years ago when fashions were different.

When I read about the hours-long palaver that some people go through every night to get their kids in bed I feel exhausted. I used to bath them, put them i pjs & in bed. DS2 (DS1 disabled) knew he must not come downstairs and mess us about unless he was ill or had a nightmare.

Food wise, they ate what was put in front of them or went hungry.

We would never have tolerated some of the behaviour we see now, recently saw a 4 yr old headbutting his dad in the park on purpose because he couldn't get an ice cream. We never smacked ours but there were very clear boundaries of expected behaviour which were understood.

All this ignoring bad behaviour malarky is really irritatiting to me.

Marmalised. Rather like the sound of that..

DS2 grew up to be an absolute star btw, v popular, academically succesful and all round v likeable person. (not that I'm biased or anything)

My friend tried baby led weaning with his DD and she has taken to solids really well and has a great appetite.

Having said that, I'm not keen on on this new fangled wank initiatives.....

I think you're misinterpreting. Child-led doesn't mean child-dictated. It's more about responding to a child's timetable of development - to take BLW as an example, it is allowing the child to show you what they are ready for, rather than you pushing what you think they should have.

I follow a rather child-led philosophy and it is remarkably easy. I've found that given great opportunities and choices, children will pick those they are ready for and will guide their own learning. If they are interested and ready for a concept, they will excel at it and form a solid foundation to build more.

Obviously, it's up to the parent to encourage, support and model positive and socially-necessary behaviours and also to 'stretch' children a little - to help them find their way to the next step, but in my experience, child 'led' models work very effectively.

Well, it depends - if you mean that the child should determine everything that happens, then duh, yanbu, but it's a bit of a straw man. If you see it as a reaction to very firm routine-driven approaches which do not take account of the baby's biological and psychological makeup, nor the biology and physiology of (say) breastfeeding, then yabu to be wary of it.

Yeah I think I prob was misinterpreting actually .

And ignoring bad behaviour doesn't mean, necessarily, say, sitting in a restaurant ignoring your 9 yo pinging beans at all the other diners - it does mean not giving attention to a child who demands it through bad behaviour.

And the example of the 4yo is just plain ol' bad behaviour (assuming NT, of course), not necessarily a reflection of the parents' adopting a particular philosophy.

TSC no, that's not BLW. BLW is putting the food in front of them and letting them eat it by themselves, and taking it away when they stop eating. You don't feed them anything, they feed themselves. That's how they "decide" whether they're ready for something. If they're not ready, they are unable to pick it up and eat it.

tsc, blw means you essentially get on with your own dinner and child feeds itself - no shovelling in required.

BLW doesnt involve purees at all, thats the point. They feed themselves.

thesecondcoming nope it is not!

my dd has never had anything shovelled in to her...

feeding purees to babies dates from a time when babies were weaned at 4ish months, by the time they were 6months most of them were probably eating 'normal' food? if you don't wean a baby till 6m there's no need to use purees or shovel.

and the 'you eat it or go hungry' philosophy is entirely compatible with blw in my house....

there's a difference between following a baby/childs developmental cues and doing what a child wants every time.

Well, my first two children were fed the traditional way. With baby number 3, I was so revolted by the Gerber baby jars all over the place here, that I figured I'd give BLW a try.

In fact, it ended up coming pretty naturally because he got started when we were at a buffet and he grabbed for the watermelon.

Of course a baby can decide what he's ready for. You offer a selection of food from the various food groups (or whatever you're eating assuming it's not a salt encrusted swordfish or something) and let him grab or reject what he wants. In the early days, it doesn't matter if you just offer what's on your plate and the baby munches on a carrot. Initially, the baby's getting plenty of milk and it's a transitional period.

I understand where you are coming from OP, in that I do think it's important to give a child boundaries. Imo they need their parents to tell them what's what for a lot of things, too much choice and freedom can be bewildering and scary. And can lead to spoilt children imo!

OTOH I do think it's important to listen to what your children want/need and to respect their needs. And I'm a HUGE fan of BLW so that's one baby-led concept I'll defend to the hilt, it's been a huge success here!

YANBU - 'baby led weaning' is after all, 'adult led weaning' as you have complete control over what they have access to.

although yes, that is possibly a straw man argument (but then i do read people on here who seem to think that is what they're doing..)

also i think you can pay way too much attention to a small childs prejudices. some kids are very reluctant to do new things. eery new food, every new toy, every new anythig is treated with suspicion - taking a'child led' approach with such a child could result in them not getting to do things they'd actually enjoy. (eg, the few days i spent convincing DD she did want to wear shoes, so that we could go to the park..and then that she did like the swing etc etc) - of course a different baby would be a completely different story!

ultiately you're an adult and you have the long term view.

incidentally if i only had DS, i might be thinking 'oh yeah, kids are great at guiding their own development...'

he's such an easy little guy

In fact the only thing I don't like about baby led weaning is the name - sooo poncey, isn't it!

YABU re BL weaning but I don't know enough about other types of BL to say if you're being U about those too.

We did BLW with our DS (now 20 months) and it worked great: he eats really well and enjoys a real variety. It was also so nice being able to all eat together without DH or I spoon-feeding DS. Not sure if BLW played a part in this but DS is also v happy to sit and eat for an hour+ at a restaurant.

Will definitely do it again with DC2 (due next month).

No child comes with an instruction manual. Being baby or child led is respecting their stage of development rather than following a book. Frankly its common sense rather than being malipulated by your child. It is impossible to spoil a young baby and very hard to spoil a child under 18 months.

Ofcourse children need boundaries, but these boundaries need to be fair. There is no point in me punishing my 14 month old crawling baby for weeing on the carpet. (Its my stupid fault for not getting the nappy on fast enough!)

Of course if you are blw you are not going to offer coffee and doughnuts for every meal.

You can be child centred and still encourage/persuade/trick your child into going to the park in shoes.

As parents I think that we do have to take the long term view, which for me is that my children will take their cues from me and eventually my daughters will become me in the same way that I am becoming my mother.

So what do I want them to get from this whole being raised by me experience?

That I am kind, generous, loyal, family loving, questioning, see the good in things and people. I believe that if I display and mean these feelings that my children will too.

I'm not sure how baby/child led this is, but in the first instance I treat them this way and hope that they will replicate this with us and others.

I think it makes sense. Children who come from abusive homes can go on to replicate that experience, why not children who come from really respectful homes will also replicate that?

Life is too short, childhood is too short, just be nice to each other.

Habbibu hit the nail on the head. England and the US have a Victorian-influenced tradition of pushing children into a very rigid curriculum of sleep, feeding, education and so on. It takes no account of their individual physical or psychological development or needs.

Modern incarnations of this are all those, "You're the boss! You're the parent!" things.

Child-centred and child-led philosophies are rather unfortunately named because they imply very demanding children taking up a lot of parental time. I've found the opposite is true. Responding to your children's needs fosters independence, self-guided learning and strength.

Always responding to whims and pickiness is different. That's where parenting comes in to start a more thoughtful dialogue about the long term effects of those choices and the knock-on effects for everyone else in the family/community.