to be updset at friends bullying me about baby care AND baby name???

[jaabaar]

I really really got upset when my friend visited me last week. Baby is 4 months old.

THis is what happened:

• Friend: Can I feed a banana? Me: No, we didnt start weaning yet. Friend: OK. AND feeds the banana! Same happened next day

• My baby has two first names. The second name is in honour of my mum. But we call the baby by the first first name.

Friend: DO NOT call her the first name. It is horrible, where did you find it out of the blue???? Why do you give such a meaning less name??? You MUST call her by the second name. And during her stay whenver I called baby by first first name we had the same story.....

• Friend: What name will you give priest when you baptise? (I say both names). Friend: NO NO NO, If you do that I will not baptise the baby!

• Friend: WHY dont you put honey on the dummy if she doesnt take dummy?

Me: Because honey should not be fed before 1 year! Friend: WHY are you being so difficult??? For centuries it was like that! My God how you have changed!!!

And it goes on and on and on....

I am exhausted from swallowing all of this without getting into arguments just for peace sake.

WHAT could I have done and what can I do NEXT time????

Surely a baby's name is a parents business....

The only thing worse than being friends with this frenemy for 20 years is to be friends with her for 20 years and ONE DAY....

For the love of all that you hold dear, ditch the bitch her once and for all.

Don't answer any of her calls, emails, defriend her, block her, whatever. If you are not up to dealing with her, simply cut her out of your life and don't look back.

GODMOTHER? Are you serious????

I think you need to have a conversation with this women about your ongoing relationship.

Tell her you are still fuming about the banana and if she ever does anything like that again you will never speak to her.

Its your right as a parents to decide when to wean. FYI my DD was constipated for almost a week after her first banana at 6 months, had to give her prunes for 3 days to get her moving again.

Again with the name, telling anyone you don't like the name is not acceptible IMO.

I would make her an ex friend!

As others have said, making her the godmother is just asking for further trouble! Probably disinviting her by phone is best (so you can put the phone down when she starts kicking off) or perhaps by email. Then if you're lucky she might be so offended she cuts off contact with you altogether.

Do you have many mutual friends? If so that will complicate things a bit.

Tell her to fuck off. She's not your friend if that is how she is treating you, and your child. I would have hit the absolute bloody roof is a friend of mine had done even a single one of the things you'd mentioned.

BTW I couldn't get bananas where I was until DS was nearer 8m. I could never, EVER, give him bananas after lunch, or else he would scream his head off with wind.

Bananas are NOT stage one foods, and have to be given much later on and under strict observation.

IME pear and apple puree are best to start with pear particularly. There are excellent weaning books about - i found GF's weaning book a fantastic help to me when on my own in an utterly alien country.

OP, your friend utterly overstepped the mark, she asked, you said no, she simply ignored you and carried on anyway.. then there are the other random comments.

I would not allow anyone to behave like that with me even once and remain a friend. You have outgrown her, leave her for dust.

Btw, your DD doesn't need a dummy... if she doesn't take it, leave her be.

Good grief! Don't let this woman be the poor child's godparent - you'll never get rid of her!

You're a parent now and part of that job is defending your baby against people exactly like her. You have an obligation to ensure this woman is out of your life because if she harms your LO, you will never forgive yourself

Tell her to get lost!

If she thinks it is acceptable to explode at you and say you are OTT and abnormal you are being, especially if you are talking diplomatically, then I think you are completely justified in turning around to her and just quietly saying 'Actually, you are the one being OTT and abnormal, I'm a well informed mum who wants to make her own decisions for her baby. If you can't respect that then we'll have to agree to disagree and only meet up when I don't have the baby with me.'

If she treats you like a toddler then turn it around and throw it right back at her!

And remember - just because she says you are being OTT or abnormal - doesn't actually mean that you are. Remember that you are the mum, the one who has read all the books on the latest best practice when it comes to babies.

She doesn't know this stuff. She likes to think she knows this stuff - and maybe she has had other friends that have had babies a while ago that she was involved with a bit and picked stuff up that is now out of date. If you are both similar ages then she might have had friends with babies 20 years ago and still think that the same applies today.

Everybody on this thread agrees that she is the one that doesn't know what she is talking about and is way out of line in what she is doing to your baby. So have the confidence to believe in yourself and tell her that she is wrong and/or out of date and/or completely out of line for ignoring how you want your child to be treated.

Yes, it is easy to say that you want to be PFB about having lots of firsts for yourself - well it's fine because it is your PFB - completely reasonable and understandable. And there are some firsts that are more important than others - it's not like she wants to buy the first pair of wellies or give the first chocolate button (assuming baby already eating by now and this would be a little treat from a godmother rather than a first food!). Those little firsts are fine for friends and godmothers to have a little of too - but not the big firsts like first food or first haircut or first shoes! (although strangely no-one ever seems to fight over the first dirty nappy )

Giving the first food is a very important first - not just because it is a big thing emotionally but because it is the start of a learning journey for you and the baby, going to be strange and maybe scary for the baby to start with and they need to have their mummy with them to help them through. And that's completely in addition to the decision as to what to give as first food and when etc etc.

Jaabaar - please send her the link to this thread, and we will all tell her that she is behaving like a bully not a friend, and will no longer be welcome if she doesn't mend her ways immediately.

If someone is giving you advice you disagree with or that is out of date, you can smile and ignore the advice - but someone who ignores your wishes, shouts you down and bullies you is toxic and you don't need someone like that in your life.

Thank you all for your replies. It really helped me put it all in perspective and see it for what it is.

Regarding the name: It's not that she does not like the name (That is fine by me, even if someone says so to me, still fine by me)

She insists that i CHANGE the name????? She disallows me to call her the name I call her!!!! THat really pissed me off! I told her that me and husband and my mum all chose together!

My husband is very pissed off with her. He only keeps quiet for my sake. But he starts saying that next time he will say something himself.

I just cant believe this. She changed so very much . She became exact opposite

Regarding baptism: I didnt ask her. It was a done deal from HER side.

jaabaar I had a "friend" like this who I was friends with since Primary school. I realised the ONLY reason we were still friends was because we had physically known each other for a long, long time.

One day, we were heading out for dinner with friends. She ordered me not to talk about a long list of topics, reminded me not to bring up anything about anything remotely interesting I might have done recently that might have taken the focus off HER and a whole lot of other things including wanting me to go home and change cos I was "too tarted up"...

On the way to the restaurant, something snapped in me and the veil lifted and I realised that she had been a complete b!tch to me for a LOOOOONG time. I had been such a doormat that she was just completely treating me like her little puppet. I had been through a really rough time and ended up with no real friends so I thought she was my ONLY friend in the world and she prayed on this weakness.

We ended up having a HUGE fight in the restaurant when I couldn't take anymore and I stormed out and never spoke to her again. SHE on the other hand PHONED MY DAD because she wanted to tell him what a b!tch I was. Luckily he told her to F*ck right off since I had already told him what really happened. She then tried to contact my DP which luckily for me didn't work out for her either.

I later found out from some of her "friends" that she told them I was a "charity case with mental health issues" and that she was only my friend because she felt obliged and that my DAD had asked her to hang about with me (we were grown adults at the time). She also said I just used her as a taxi to get from A to B since I was too selfish to drive anywhere. She used to go on to ME about all of THEM using her as a taxi service even though she would insist on driving anywhere and take us but we would pay her petrol money (which we thought fair enough).

A few years earlier, she had come out of a long term relationship with no friends since she cut us all off when she met her Mr Right. I stayed friends with her and invited her out with all my friends at the time and we all went clubbing and everything to cheer her up. Then this is what she turned round and did to me when I needed a friend.

Anyway, I guess I am just saying it is best to get rid. She is just going to undermine your skills as a mother which you DO NOT need and it took me being close to a nervous breakdown to snap and actually cut her off. I just stopped answering the door when she came round, hung up if she phoned and bolcked her number on mobile so I didn't have to deal with her.

I agree with the poster who said they felt "free" afterwards. It is such a relief. DP at the time was like "why did it take you so long to realise what she was like"

I was just scared to lose such an old friend when we had been through so much together, but it is what they are bringing to your life NOW that matters and your friends seems to be dragging you down when you need lifting up...

Good luck in whatever you choose to do but you are DEFO NBU!!!

Dear Paranoid,

Thank you for sharing your story which is very treasured. Actually there are quite a few smilarities regareding having lost friends due to difficult time etc.

I do believe I am her doormat in the sense that she can do whatever she wants and I will be always there.

After reading everybody's comments I really think it is time to change things and I really am not being unreasonable, strange or OTT.

jaabaar - you are being bullied and you are allowing your baby to be bullied in a roundabout kind of way. I don't wish to sound harsh at at all - but please don't leave it until something happens to your baby - if you keep that at the fore then surely your strength will come form somewhere? You are allowing her into your home and so allowing her to continue to bully you. She sounds horrible and possibly has baby issues, even if she doesn't realise it. I always said I was never having children, it is a wonderful thing to hide behind at times - but for her time is running out and she sounds uncredibly jealous. I imagine if you said something to her along the lines of "If you want to make all these decisions about a baby - then you should have had your own" I reckon she will go loopy.

She is not a friend to you and would you want her to be guiding your daughter through her life?? (Godmother??) Your strength needs to come from putting your baby first - above anyone else - and I am meaning this in the gentlest of ways - you are not doing that by keep letting her take control of your life like this.

Please please put yourselves first, she is defintely no friedn - or else she has some serious mental problems going on......or both!

Be brave, be strong and think of your lovely family. Hope you are ok

jaabaar - you are being bullied and you are allowing your baby to be bullied in a roundabout kind of way. I don't wish to sound harsh at at all - but please don't leave it until something happens to your baby - if you keep that at the fore then surely your strength will come form somewhere? You are allowing her into your home and so allowing her to continue to bully you. She sounds horrible and possibly has baby issues, even if she doesn't realise it. I always said I was never having children, it is a wonderful thing to hide behind at times - but for her time is running out and she sounds uncredibly jealous. I imagine if you said something to her along the lines of "If you want to make all these decisions about a baby - then you should have had your own" I reckon she will go loopy.

She is not a friend to you and would you want her to be guiding your daughter through her life?? (Godmother??) Your strength needs to come from putting your baby first - above anyone else - and I am meaning this in the gentlest of ways - you are not doing that by keep letting her take control of your life like this.

Please please put yourselves first, she is defintely no friedn - or else she has some serious mental problems going on......or both!

Be brave, be strong and think of your lovely family. Hope you are ok

oops sorry about the double posting

maxybrown:
You are not harsh at all. All that was said is true.

I do have the strength to do something about it I was just not sure if I was being maybe OTT and wanted to ask on her honest opinions.

It sure convinced me and I am glad and thankfull that so many took the time to write.

I will seat her down next time (or over the phone) and point out all of these things in a nice diplomatic way and clear. If she then still things that i am OTT or does not accept my ways with the baby I tell her that I am sorry but we cannot see each other as friends anymore

This is the only and the fairest way.

Your baby is too young for banana, and much too young for honey, I would go ape if a 'friend' did that.
And she hates your choice of name, and doesn't mind saying so?
What are your enemies like?

Honey carries a risk of botulism and should not be given to babies ever.I don't know about hay fever tho.

Hey Jaabaar I bet you're wishing you'd listened to some of us on the Spirituality board and gone for a Catholic godparent for your Catholic baptism after all, eh?

SoLongAsItsHealthy:
Hi again, I have gone to the priest by the way (dont remember if you saw my last post).
He did say that it would be ok (He just didnt seem too interested which I found a bit odd), if they commit to raise in catholic faith. However as I was so bombarded on that post I thought, better not. I have put my own mother as an additional Godparent and felt much better about it.

I do not think her behaviour has to do with being catholic or not..

I know, I'm only teasing, Catholics can be bitches too Your friend sounds terribly annoying and I would have been mortified by some of the things you describe. These things can sometimes come from very strange places though. It would be a shame to end a 20 year friendship but sometimes it has to be done. Even if it's just a gradual process of detachment on your par.

Good luck

Firstly - who's child is it?

I think your 'friend' believe's it's hers by the way she's acting. That's just scarily wrong.

Secondly - a recent court case where a woman was told not to feed a kid a sausage was jailed. The kid was allergic to the sausage and had an extremely bad reaction.

Your reasons for not feeding your child an item of food should be respected.

I disagree with my friends all veg diet for their children and have discussed this with them. However, I have NEVER fed their children meat (or anything else they asked me not to).

Thirdly - if someone doesn't show respect to you then they are teaching your children not to respect you.

As per previous posts, I would talk to your friend when your child isn't there (or asleep) and explain your feelings to her. If she reacts badly/angrily then say to her that you both need some space and not meet/talk for a while. When you do meet again do it on neutral ground i.e. a coffee shop. Then she'll have to modify her behaviour as she's in public.

I think you need to protect your child by not allowing this nasty person into your private family life.

Who cares if she's been ok in the past - that doesn't matter to your baby - what matters now is that you don't expose your child to the influence of such a person.

If you can't do it on your own behalf do it for your child - and you'd be MAD to allow this woman to be a godparent to your precious child, imo.

Ive got so much sympathy here for you. But really you dont owe her anything just cos youve known her a long time. A friendship is a two way street and she should be supporting you or shutting up. If she is criticising everything you do now she is only going to get worse and more controlling if you let her. You are in control of your own life. What is the point of keeping the peace if it just saps at your own energy and wellbeing - Im betting she isnt going home to any angst about you. You will be better off without her. When you are getting to the point of posting on t'internet you know in your heart that she is NOT a friend and you need to at least tell her to give it a rest, or that you wont be friends with her. Dont let her boss you around. Good luck I know its hard [supportive face]!