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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't quite know what to do but am very slightly freaked out.

55 replies

SolidGoldBrass · 10/06/2010 00:07

My neighbour (who has SN) keeps putting flowers through my letterbox. I am pretty sure it's the neighbour because of the type of flower ie it is the one that grows in his garden. Also, the neighbour knocks on the window repeatedly when I'm in the garden hanging the washing out.

I am currently just ignoring it all, but I am slightly uneasy. The neighbour has some kind of fairly severe SN, appears to live with at least one carer and have others visit. if we pass in the street I sort of nod and smile, and once or twice they have taken parcels in for me (and once one of the carers knocked on the door to ask if the pair of trousers the neighbour had flung over the fence into our garden could be returned).
I don't think he's at all dangerous, but is there anything I could/should be doing?

OP posts:

ApocalypseCheese · 10/06/2010 00:09

Seriously, I wouldnt worry. He's not doing anything harmful, theyre only flowers !!

scurryfunge · 10/06/2010 00:12

Tell him thanks all the same but you don't like cut flowers and they would look nicer in a vase on his window sill.

jendaisy · 10/06/2010 00:14

Maybe have a word with one of his carers if you can? If it makes you feel uncomfortable maybe they could try and encourage him to not do it.

StableButDeluded · 10/06/2010 00:21

Aww, he just likes you! He's giving you flowers and wanting to attract your attention when he sees you through the window. It's exactly the sort of thing my four-year-old would do. Try not to feel uneasy, he probably means no harm, though if it becomes a bit relentless then maybe a quiet word to the carer?

Original poster

SolidGoldBrass · 10/06/2010 00:40

Stable: Yes, that's kind of how I think of it (and please don't anyone come screaming on at me about bad attitudes towards SN people - whatever this chap's condition is, I think he probably does have a mental age of about 4, he is very visibly a person with severe SN). - well-meaning, harmless, but at the same time, I could kind of do without it.
The difficulty is, getting a quiet word with the carer/s - if I knock on the door and the neighbour comes along to see who's there, I don't want to say something in front of him that might hurt him, and I don't knwo the carers...

OP posts:

ApocalypseCheese · 10/06/2010 00:44

Makes me feel a bit tbh.

Both my dcs have special needs, this is just the kind of thing I can see my two doing as adults, perfectly harmless and to them a way of showing kindness.

It's only flowers on your doormat.

The thought of people being 'freaked out' by them makes me feel very sad and worried for their future.

Our lives would be a lot easier if we could all be accepted.

booyhoo · 10/06/2010 00:45

SGB if he turns up could you just tell the carer you would like tospeak to them alone if they get a chance. or catch them before they go into the house?

booyhoo · 10/06/2010 00:46

also, you could just thank him for the flowers and let him know you have received them. maybe he keeps sending them because he thinks you haven't got them as you haven't said anything. if he knows you got them then he might stop it.

ApocalypseCheese · 10/06/2010 00:47

And no, that wasnt me screaming about 'bad atitudes towards special needs'

That was me feeling

Chandra · 10/06/2010 00:49

I think you need to talk to the carer, it might be just good intentions, but you also deserve some peace of mind.

The carer can tell you if you have nothing to worry about because it is a friendly gesture or if they need to keep an eye on him in case he doesn't totally understand how to keep friendlyness.. friendly.

booyhoo · 10/06/2010 00:49

i think he sounds lovely apocalypse. it would brighten my day if someone put that much effort into catching my attention. it sounds like SGB is occupying alot of his headspace at the minute.

colditz · 10/06/2010 00:57

he likes you and wants to give you flowers. this may be his version of making friends. let him get on with it and carry on being nice to him - I think he's probably the least dangerous and unpleasant admirer you could have!

ApocalypseCheese · 10/06/2010 01:00

A wave and a smile could really brighten his day, chances are he dosent see many people and is lonely.

Leave some flowers for him, he'll be over the moon.

PixieOnaLeaf · 10/06/2010 01:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

cherryteat · 10/06/2010 03:47

How patronising are these replies?!
Having worked with people with SN for many years I can assure you that like anybody else their attentions are not always honourable. People with SN are subject to the same sexuality as other adults. Without guidance and experience sexual feelings can be sadly misplaced. This is an adult male with a libido and the same physical strength as any other adult male but without the same social boundaries.
Any carer worth their salt would discourage this behaviour and they are possibly already working with this man to curb this kind of attention to strangers.
It does sound as though they are unaware which leads me to believe he has the nous to wait until he is alone to do the flower drop. If the OP feels freaked out in the privacy of her own home then that ADULT needs to stop the offending behaviour regardless of his motives. That is only fair to him as another neighbour could demonstrate feeling freaked out in an entirely different way thus putting the person with SN at risk of a Nasty Confrontation.

cherryteat · 10/06/2010 05:58

Sorry that should read *"I can't believe how patronizing some of these replies are..."

cherryteat · 10/06/2010 06:00

Sorry that should read *"I can't believe how patronizing some of these replies are..."

TheBride · 10/06/2010 06:47

Cherryteat- I partially agree with you, but at the same time adults with learning difficulties are one of the most socially isolated groups in society. Many have no friends, little contact with family, and, sadly, some have no relationships other than with people who are paid to be with them.

I know what you're saying- just because people have learning difficulties doesnt make them children - but I don't think it hurts to be friendly to this man (return a wave through a window.)

I agree it's worth mentioning the flowers to the carer, but I dont think he should be necessarily treated with suspicion.

greenbananas · 10/06/2010 06:49

As cherryteat says, this is an adult male. OP, it seems to me that you are trying not to be unreasonable and I don't think you should totally ignore your instincts.

If you're seriously uncomfortable with this man's behaviour, then perhaps it's only fair to him to say so. I think in your position I would take round the flowers that are being dropped through your letterbox, ask politely if they are from him (in the presence of his carers) and explain that they have freaked you out. He ought to know that this sort of thing is inappropriate and that it can scare people.

I'd probably also tackle the washing thing head on as well - e.g. tell him it makes you uncomfortable when he knocks on the window and that usually you are too busy to stand there waving for ages; normally you would perhaps just wave once at a neighbour and then get on with your washing. You don't have to be nasty about it, but perhaps it does need saying.

I wish you luck with this - hopefully, as others have said, he's just being friendly and everything will be fine, but personally I think you'd be mad to ignore your instincts.

ApocalypseCheese · 10/06/2010 08:14

Dunno, can't imagine my nephew with the mental age of an 18 month old 'sexually harassing' women anytime soon tho.

Tortington · 10/06/2010 08:18

its something that social services should be made aware of in any case. i think i would give them a ring.

I can totally understand how this would make you feel ill at ease. I think you are being very understanding about it.

slouchingtowardswaitrose · 10/06/2010 08:27

What Cherry & Bananas said.

tagine · 10/06/2010 09:12

I can see both sides here. On the one hand this isn't "normal" social behaviour, on the other hand... he's your neighbour, and he's clearly trying to make friends, even if he's not going about it the right way!

I think I'd be inclined to hover outside and catch one of his carers on the way in, have a quiet word and explain what's been going on, ask if they can speak with him about more socially acceptable ways to build relationships (this has to be a good thing anyway) and then maybe they could work with him on inviting you round for a cup of tea one day, the "proper" way? It seems to me like he's reaching out to you, and he's probably lonely, and you're his neighbour and you seem nice... maybe you can do some good here

DetectivePotato · 10/06/2010 09:25

YANBU. It is making you slightly uncomfortable. It doesn't matter if he has SN. The point is you are uneasy. Are we suppose to indulge this sort of behaviour and put up with feeling uneasy just because someone has SN? I wouldn't like it.

I totally agree with what Cherryteat says.

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 10/06/2010 09:33

I agree with cherryteat. I know we as a society love to desexualise anyone with special needs but it's patronising to the extreme. As an individual he could be nice or not. He's an individual. Just as any man showing attention to someone may have honourable intentions or not. Having SN doesn't detract from the fact that you are a person in your own right.

SGB call social services and explain it the way you have here; in a compassionate and understanding way.

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