I don't quite know what to do but am very slightly freaked out.

[SolidGoldBrass]

My neighbour (who has SN) keeps putting flowers through my letterbox. I am pretty sure it's the neighbour because of the type of flower ie it is the one that grows in his garden. Also, the neighbour knocks on the window repeatedly when I'm in the garden hanging the washing out.

I am currently just ignoring it all, but I am slightly uneasy. The neighbour has some kind of fairly severe SN, appears to live with at least one carer and have others visit. if we pass in the street I sort of nod and smile, and once or twice they have taken parcels in for me (and once one of the carers knocked on the door to ask if the pair of trousers the neighbour had flung over the fence into our garden could be returned).
I don't think he's at all dangerous, but is there anything I could/should be doing?

YANBU to feel uneasy about it - it is a behaviour you cannot understand with an intent you cannot determine.

People have responded trying to encourgae the OP to the view that this behaviour may very well be innocent. I don't think that is either patronizing or impossible.

had OP posted 'how sweet, a lovely man next door is putting flowers through my door..' then plenty of people would have stresed the need to use sensible, reasonable caution.

It is the nature of post that often shapes the nature of the response.

I think the OP should speak to one of the carers who should be capeable of discussing his behaviour and tempering it accordingly.

But to view him as potentially dangerous and driven by an adult sexuality is as ridiculous as assuming it is definately innocent and harmless.

Talk to the carers, explain you are uncomfortable and ask them to find a strategy to deal with his behaviour. The carer should know and like their charge well enough to be helpful and effective. If you are still worried then talk to social services

Cherry, that's exactly what I was trying to say.

When I was 14, a 15 yr old who had SN, and who I had known since I was child, cornered me against a wall and tried to kiss me. He was very strong and taller than me. It certainly freaked me out, I ended up with bruises in my arms.

So, yes, unlike a NT person, he might not have been aware of what he was doing, but what I realised that day was that although we were considerate to him as if he were a younger child, the sexuality aspect was still very much there as with any other teenager. And he didn't have the same control over it other kids his age had.

I think that all the possibilities have been discussed here. For the OP, I do think that his SN are not relevant. He needs to be made aware, either by you, SS or his carers, that his actions are inappropriate, and are unwanted. You feel uncomfortable in your own home and when you hang out your washing, you are getting attention you would rather not be getting.

If this was being done by anyone else, the replies would be "call the police" you are being stalked, harassed etc...

Also as someone with experience with adults with SN, you cannot underestimate the same sexual urges etc. He his a grown man with the strength ( I am assuming here I know) of a grown man and for the OP to feel uneasy about his attention, is perfectly reasonable, as I say, if it were a man who did not have SN the replies on this thread would be very different. His behaviour needs addressing with his carers or his key worker. His SN does not negate the need for sociable behaviour. He may be unaware of the meaning of sociable behaviour, so he needs to be helped to understand.

Firstly, I'd contact his key worker or approach a carer and talk very directly about it. Don't let them 'fob' you off with the SN angle, it is their job to educate him and help him live in the community, sociably. Its unwanted attention and thus should be taken seriously.

To clarify: I'm not advocating suspicion or hostility, just caution. Boundaries need to be crystal clear. A person with SN could misconstrue friendly overtures therefore if the OP wants to encourage a neighbourly friendship it should be with guidance from, and in the presence of his carers until his motives are clear.
For all we know this man could be completely asexual and genuinely want to be a good neighbour. It's the OP choice whether she wants to foster a friendship with any neighbours regardless of their abilities.

I agree with Cherry.

This infantilisation of people who have special needs is patronising imho and wrong.

They aren't all sweet and loving.They may have special needs but it doesn't stop them from experiencing a range of emotions,both positive and negative and just as with any nt adult.

To stereotype people with cognitive disabilities as sweet and loving and always full of good intentions is just another way of treating them as less than human imho.

The OP's situation would be me uncomfortable too.It's an excess of attention and in her situation I'd prefer that it stopped no matter how well meant it might be.

I'm not presuming for a minute that he's a sexual deviant but many people who have cognitive disabilities do experience sexual and/or romantic feelings but have little impulse control to temper them and little experience of social norms,partly through isolation,which teach us what is and isn't acceptable,and how to address these feelings appropriately.

Of course he may want nothing more than friendship but the OP has no way of knowing that and it's not an appropriate way of showing it.

I think a word with his carers is necessary.The OP shouldn't have to feel so uncomfortable in her own home,and perhaps the carers can try to help him understand that it's not the right thing to do and teach him what is appropriate in this situation.

And that was long and rambling but there's possibly a point in there somewhere.

How is putting flowers from the garden through someone's letter box anything other than sweet and friendly?

Go on, how?

It's hardly an act of violence, is it? If he was taking naked pictures of her, then SN or not I would be vociferously complaining to his support workers then if it didn't stop I would be calling the police.

But he's not, he's putting flowers through the letterbox FFS.

Apocalypse- but why are you allowing your children to post things through other people's letterboxes?
They have to learn that it is wrong and could be unwelcome

You shouldn't post random items through other peoples letterboxes.
That's it really.
It's intrusive

How many times has he posted you flowers?

Erm, it's the postman's job to post things

Don't you think that a little consideration is in order?

As a (former) carer, in this situation I would reinforce 'general' friendly neighbour behaviour, eg waving as you pass, saying hello, how are you, lovely weather we are having etc. That I would expect from any of my neighbours.

However 'sweet' it may be to have flowers posted through your letterbox, if any of my neighbours did that, if they were not close friends and it wasn't my birthday, I would find it odd and yes romantic connotations are there.

So as a carer I would be discouraging that kind of behaviour.

If it was a child with or without SN, that is slightly different in that we tolerate slightly odd behaviour more from children as they are still learning the 'rules.'

Your neighbour has a learning difficulty and is having trouble understanding the rules, try not to be too freaked out, and remember his carers are there to help him function as normally in society as possible, so let them know what is happening.

And accept that he may have a learning difficulty but he is still able to realise you are AAAWSUM!

She said he keeps putting flowers through her letterbox. Once or twice might be nice but repeatedly isn't appropriate.

The constant knocking on the window would bother me too.

It's that these things are done to excess that's the problem with it.
And it'd bother me no matter who was doing it,even if it was Ralph Fiennes himself turning up on my doorstep every day with flowers or chocolates.

I don't think the carers are doing him any favours by allowing him to believe it's socially acceptable.

There are more appropriate ways of showing friendliness.

And junk mail hardly compares to this,and actually yes junk mail is annoying too but one knows the intention behind the junk mail.The OP is unaware of this man's intentions,no matter how positive they might be.

I agree Nemo. I would expect it to be discouraged by carers too.
SGB- Make sure you inform the carers and they can talk to him about acceptable social contact

wot nemo said.

What OP describes would make me feel v uncomfortable indeed. SN or not. I think you should have a word with the carer and explain how it is making you feel.

Mrs Ruffalo, I did not say my children have posted anything through anybodys letterbox

I said its something I could see them wanting to do as adults simply because theyve seen me buying cards, flowers etc as a kind thing to do. They obviously won't have the social skills to undersand there is a time and a place. Personally, if it were my neighbour it wouldnt bother me but I would want his carers to find out the meaning behind it.

As it happens MrsRuffalo it's highly unlikely either of my children will ever be able to go out unsupervised, so don't worry, you and the rest of society will be kept safe from them approaching you, flower posting or otherwise.

I think the implication that people with SN have no capacity to adhere to social norms is misleading. One of the carers functions would be to encourage a process of 'normalisation' where the SN person learns to live within society and comes to understand the concept of acceptable social interaction.

Just advising the OP to ignore something that she is clearly uneasy about is unhelpful and condescending to the SN neighbour and unhelpful where the OP is concerned.

Part of the socialisation process includes being treated as an adult and being allowed to action your own decisions, whether good or bad, as long as not actually dangerous.

But the follow-on from that is that there are CONSEQUENCES for those decisions, such as your neighbour coming round to say "please stop doing that, it's upsetting me".

SGB if you are put out by this, go round 5to see him while his support staff are there, and explain that you are a private person and wish to be left alone.

The support staff will then, next time he wants to do it, be able to remind him of the time you came round and told him that you don't like it. And this should work to stop it.

you, as a non involved adult, are under no obligation to be this understanding, or course, you could just ring the bobbies, but I think that my way might be effective and less disruptive for all.

And thats why people with sns will always be socially isolated because that's how society likes it (unless they're paid of course)