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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is very lazy?

132 replies

SoLongAsItsHealthy · 09/06/2010 11:37

Just received a "thank you card" from a new baby we recently sent a gift to. It was a photo made into a postcard and printed under the image was the line:

"Just wanted to say, thank you for my gift!"

Presumably they ran off a few dozen copies and job done.

AIBU to think this is very crass and that the parents could have penned a couple of sentences at least, referring to the gifts in question? I went to loads of trouble with what I bought and was looking forward to hearing what they thought of it. However, even if I had only spent a fiver on a rattle I would still expect a little personal note.

I almost think no card at all would have been better than this...

OP posts:

yama · 09/06/2010 12:39

I have to say that I really dont like photo thank you cards.

I forgive family because I can keep it.

However, it feels weird throwing out the photo of a baby or child. We get them from dd's nursery friends. No need imo.

abr1de · 09/06/2010 12:43

I feel awkward about friends' children's photos. There comes a time when they're very out of date or perhaps you just don't see them any more. What do you do with the photos? It seems awful to throw them out. I have loads stuffed in a drawer.

RudeEnglishLady · 09/06/2010 12:45

"are you saying that having fun, enjoying yourself and doing what you want with your day is more important that being polite to others?"

Thats a perfectly reasonable choice! I'd rather people had fun and enjoyed themselves and stayed mentally well than cooped themselves up feeling isolated. I think that its a no brainer!

I consider that the card sending woman has been polite and enjoyed herself. Good for her.

I sorely hope noone is tying themselves in knots trying to outdo everyone with the perfect present for my baby in the quest to obtain a special personal message

StarExpat · 09/06/2010 12:46

Oh no!
I sent an email with a picture of our baby and a thank you to people who gave us gifts. Worse than that, I couldn't remember exactly who gave us what . Some I could remember, others I couldn't. It doesn't mean that I wasn't grateful!
Most of them were opened in front of the giver and I said many thank you's in front of them... then sent them an email with a photo and a thank you but not a personal note... not even sure why the email was necessary, but definitely can't see where a card would be necessary?!?
I hope I haven't offended and made angry a whole bunch of people now who only got my vocal thank you and an email thank you. Damn it. I probably have.

I was really tired and groggy for a bit after the baby was born. I'm happy that I did breastfeed, however if I hadn't breastfed, I think I wouldn't have been quite so exhausted (but I'll never know, will I). I just know that a lot of my exhaustion came from having him drain me of milk and energy so so so so often and sore, cracked nipples meaning I couldnt' sleep comfortably, very low iron, feeling dizzy all the time...etc. So, no. I don't think the "newborn fog" thing is over rated in all circumstances.

abr1de · 09/06/2010 12:46

You wouldn't have offended me, Star Expat.

BarmyArmy · 09/06/2010 12:47

Lots of vitriol here, as one has come to expect from the many insecure people who see other people's better time-management/organisation skills/manners as a damning verdict on their own.

I agree that one should make the effort to thank people that have been kind enough to give presents.

But "very lazy"? I don't think I'd go that far.

HelenFF · 09/06/2010 12:48

I don't think you can assume by appearances that this woman is doing really well after the birth of her newborn. Who knows what goes on behind closed doors - she could be really stressed and cards could be the last thing on her mind.

I think it's nice that you got something and that YABVU.

CrunchyNutCornflakes · 09/06/2010 12:48

no starexpat, when I get TY cards for baby gifts I think wow they are organised

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 09/06/2010 12:49

RudeEnglishLady is making the point that I was considering. I had postnatal depression after each of my three boys was born. I did manage to get out to NCT activities, but only because that was what was keeping me on the rails - I needed that time with my friends and my support network far more than I needed to spend time writing letters. And I believe my children benefitted from my hanging onto the odd shred of sanity.

Your friend might be putting on a very good front - speaking as a long term depressive, we are very good at putting on a mask so only those closest to us know what is going on inside.

I think that the photo card sounds very nice - but then I was happy when a young mum thanked me via email for the gift I sent her newborn ds - I appreciated the thought and didn't need lots of validation of my gift or my generosity.

TheChicOfIt · 09/06/2010 12:50

YABVU

One of my friends didn't even say thanks at all - I assume because she was being driven up the wall by a newborn baby.

I think they are probably very organised to go to the trouble of doing that.

StarExpat · 09/06/2010 12:50

No, you know what? I'm not going to feel badly about this.

I think expecting a thank you card at all, let alone with a personal note is a lot like expecting a gift. You should never expect a gift from anyone but be very appreciative when you do receive one. I know I'm not wrong in that. So, as long as someone says thank you, that is polite and well mannered. No need for a card at all or a personal note written out to you with a fountain pen. ffs.
I'm now... not sure why. I just get so fed up of people expecting things like this.

If the gift recipient never said thank you to you at all (not in person, over the phone, text, email... anything) then, well, yes that would be bad manners and quite rude in fact. But this is not the case.

Bunnyjo · 09/06/2010 12:51

"are you saying that having fun, enjoying yourself and doing what you want with your day is more important that being polite to others?"

Exactly what RudeEnglishLady said. I would rather your 'friend' did a quick thank you card and got herself 'out and about' on NCT lunches, than sat in her own home cooped up and worrying over what to write on individual thank you notes!

Fibilou · 09/06/2010 12:51

I think it's rude. I managed to send out "thankyou for the bonnet, she looks lovely in it" style notes to everyone that gave us presents. I wrote most of them before baby was born while bored on maternity leave and the rest while she was asleep (I also designed and printed the cards). But then I am paranoid about thankyou notes (thanks mum) and that sort of thing, to the extent that if DD is going to see someone who gave her an outfit/coat/whatever I make sure that she is wearing/playing with it.
If someone has gone to the trouble of getting you something then you at least owe them the courtesy of saying thankyou properly.
I wrote personal thankyou cards to our wedding guests while on the plane for our honeymoon - the cards arrived before we got back.

Sadly I find that courtesy is falling out of fashion

ChuckBartowski · 09/06/2010 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Morloth · 09/06/2010 12:52

"are you saying that having fun, enjoying yourself and doing what you want with your day is more important that being polite to others?"

Hell yes.

Fibilou · 09/06/2010 12:52

"due to the extreme lack of time that the NEW parents will have"

Really ? I had loads of time on my hands when DD was newborn - in fact I found myself wondering what to do with myself.

StarExpat · 09/06/2010 12:53

xpost thanks to those I wouldn't offend.

Shaz10 · 09/06/2010 12:55

Filibou "I found myself wondering what to do with myself."

Perhaps you should have come out drinking with the rest of us.

Fibilou · 09/06/2010 12:55

"They may not even remember what gift you got them (due to the craziness that is life with a new baby), "

Hmmm, but they had time to open the present presumably ?
It's not rocket science, you keep a bit of paper, then when you open the present write "John - pink rattle" on it and then thank them in due course.

dawntigga · 09/06/2010 12:55

FFS they said thank you!

Did you want them to gush over how much they liked your present? You give for the pleasure of giving, strikes me the thought is what counted on both sides.

GladSheHasNiceFriendsTiggaxx

PuppyMonkey · 09/06/2010 12:56

I take it this is a wind up? Well done.

I've never sent a thank you card in my entire life.

more · 09/06/2010 12:56

Aren't you contradicting yourself a bit when you say: "My point exactly about the little note - I wasn't looking for a two-page letter. But the photograph business would have taken them quite a long while - certainly longer than buying a box of cards and writing....

But anyway, I actually manage to do both. As I ghave said, the personal note is actually quicker than the expertly shot, uploaded, photoshopped card - which they had to address and post anyway!"

Twice you say that the other woman actually spent more time and effort on her card than you did on yours

YellowDaffodil · 09/06/2010 12:57

Do you consider these people friends? I hope she isn't on mn and now feeling like shit for saying Thank you!

Loads of people I know have done this for births and christenings. Personally I keep the photos in an album because funnily enough my friends/family and their children mean more to me than a few words.

Just out of curiosity how go you know she's is doing so well behind closed doors?

MorrisZapp · 09/06/2010 12:58

YABVU

This one comes up time and time again. I'd rather not recieve a gift at all than for it to be some kind of test of my manners/ time management skills.

You give a gift as a one way act, or don't do it at all.

I think quite a few people on here come across as people who are so manners obsessed that in fact they have no manners - it's not good manners to make others feel like shit, or to slag off their method of thanking you.

StarExpat · 09/06/2010 13:00

Fibilou, I didn't. If I wasn't feeding ds, I was trying to heal my nipples with whatever technique was most recently recommended and he wanted to feed more than every 2 hours at first. And it hurt, so the time he was off was a little relief, but then he wouldn't be put down... couldn't use a sling because it hurt so much. Yes, I had loads of time I didn't have before for the short time that I was home, but it took some work to get the laptop in a place where I could use it properly - paper and pen, cards would have been difficult in those early days.
I guess dh could have done them... but really, what's the point if you've said thank you in another way?

You open the present in front of the person, say "thank you for this beautiful sleepsuit. How sweet. I really appreciate this. Thank you so much."
then you send a follow up email saying "thanks again for the baby gift. here is a picture of littlestar"
Then there are honestly people who expect a card, too?

bonkers

I grew up in America. My mother used to make us write thank you notes for everything - even sleepovers. It was a bit ott.

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