to leave seven year old DD alone at home for short periods?

[firstaibu]

I've name changed for this as am fearing a flaming...

I'm not talking about leaving her for an evening or anything like that, but on several of occasions recently I've left her at home while I go to the supermarket. She didn't want to come with me, and I usually leave her sitting in the car reading when I go to the supermarket anyway. I lock the front door and she knows to ignore it if anyone knocks. She has the cordless phone and knows how to ring my mobile (she has repeatedly demonstrated this to me), and also how to ring 999. In an emergency, she could unlock the gate at the bottom of the garden to get out into the street. I phone her at least once while I'm out. She's seven and a half, and reasonably sensible; I'm confident that she just sits and reads, or plays the wii. I'm never gone more than an hour.

I know a lot of you will think I'm being very U, but is there anyone out there that does this too, or doesn't think I'm a horrendously neglectful parent?

darts, lots of children in ds's school, walk to school, in their last yera of primary.

If your DC is mature enough to deal with the unexpected then I would be ok with it.

I do think 7 is young though.

"does that no signal that that the op is not really comfortable with doing this???"
"Yes what is exactly wrong with the online supermarket suggestion??? "

Bodenbore, I've already indicated several times that I wasn't entirely comfortable doing this, and am debating whether I should continue to do so occasionally; that's why I posted an aibu - to see what others' thoughts were. Regarding the online shopping; I tend to do smallish shops every few days, according to what I fancy cooking, and what's on offer. I like selecting the food myself, so online shopping doesn't hold any appeal for me. Online shopping wouldn't have been helpful on the occasions I left her, as I needed to get food for that evening. It was an unusual occurrence for me to leave her alone, not a regular one, so couldn't be planned ahead for, IYSWIM. Usually I shop during the day whilst she's at school, or as mentioned, if we're going to the library (at least once a week, sometimes more), after we've got the books then she reads in the car. I'm usually between ten and twenty mins in the shop, but sometimes more. I really don't see any problem with that, whereas I was a bit uneasy leaving her at home.

I was confident that she would stay focused on the wii, both times I went to the supermarket, as I gave her a game to play which she's hardly ever allowed to play (Raving rabbids - I hate it! ) but that she thinks is the best thing ever. In the unlikely event she got bored, she had a book she really liked to read. Also, our house is really secluded - the layout of our street is really odd, but the front doors are hard to find, so we get very few callers (the odd meter reader) and no passers by. One of the key things for me was that she could ring me, and I rang both times to check everything was ok (I didn't ring on the occasion I went to the local shop). She's really confident using the 'phone, and rings her gran and her dad all the time. Obviously I can't guarantee that some rare disaster wouldn't occur, but that's where I was taking the risk - the very slim chance that there would be a fire/gas leak/break-in, balanced against the probability that it wouldn't. If I took her to the supermarket and insisted she come in with me, there's also a tiny chance that she could be mown down in the car park, tempted away by a paedophile while my back is turned in the vegetable section, or be the victim of a freak shelf collapse disaster in the wine aisle.... those wouldn't be reasons for my not taking her in with me...

After this thread and the useful points raised, I'd only leave her at home again if my neighbour was in and would keep an ear open, and I'd tell my DM to ring after a certain time to check that I was back (in case I'm in the horrific accident everyone thinks I'll have.. )

I think it's really interesting how this thread has widened into a discussion about risk vs independence, and how soon we should trust our children to make decisions and tackle things on their own. As I said, DD is constantly hassling me to go to the shop alone, but I'm not quite confident enough in her road-crossing (almost there, but not quite). However we live in a cul-de-sac, and I'll let her go off to call for other children (crossing the road). It's a very quiet road, but still.... There are four other children in the street who are a year younger than DD, and they're all allowed to do the same. I do worry about it, but I weigh the risk against the benefits. I wouldn't yet let her go to the park with children her age yet, but did let her go to the shop with a friend's DD aged 10. We went to a nature reserve recently (we go there alot) and DD wanted to walk back the longer, muddier route on her own. It was around a ten minute walk, and I could see her at regular points along the route through binoculars. She was just about within earshot too. We let her, and again, I felt a tiny bit uneasy, but I'm glad I did because she was absolutely thrilled; she got to dawdle at her own pace, to choose what she wanted to stop and look at, and generally feel very grown up and independent. There was no traffic to worry about, but there was water... I can hear the gasps of horror already...

I completely agree with those of you saying that protecting them too much results in clueless teens being turned out into the world with no life skills or judgement. I'm actually a fairly anxious parent in lots of ways - the thought of her going on a residential school trip scares the life out of me - but I'll let her go because it's a valuable experience for her. Last year (after much deliberation) I let her go on a boating holiday abroad with her dad; I was bloody terrified and worrying the whole ten days, but she had a fantastic time, and it was an amazing experience that she'd never have got with me (absurdly scared of water). Obviously I'd never forgive myself if something awful happens - you never would, would you, even if you were blameless - but I think the Kate McCann comparison might be a bit strong; I'm talking about leaving an aware, occupied seven year old, armed with a phone and able to get out of the house into the garden... not two babies and a toddler, in the dark with noone able to hear them if they wake/cry, who can't take care of themselves in any way.

"whilst there's always the chance of something awful happening, we can't let our lives be ruled by the fear of it."

OP, not be ruled by fear, but as parents, and maybe as individuals to a certain extend, make decisions ALL the time in order to avoid awful things happening. The decision to leave -or not- your 7yo alone at home is one of these.

I assume everyone uses a carseat for their children. Most people go through their lives without ever having a car accident, however it's too much of a risk to take. I wouldn't call their lives "ruled by the fear of a car crash".

Same goes for putting babies on their backs to sleep, feeding them a balanced diet, making sure they're not too hot/cold, using stair gates for those who choose to.

Some of these decisions are more important than others, but they're all made due to -in your words- fear of something awful happening, I hope you see where I'm coming from here.

You're, wisely, not rid of this fear, or you wouldn't make sure your daughter can reach you and you wouldn't be on here today asking this question.

I object to certain statements that people who wouldn't leave their young children alone are neurotic/overprotective, parents assess different situations differently, it's not all black and white.

But noone can parent safely without thinking "what if"? This is how we keep our children alive.

Xposted

I think it depends on the child, how long you would be gone and how confident she feels about being left alone.

At 6 I walked to school on my own, crossing a few roads and facing a big boy who was quite a bully IIRC, but I survived! By 7 I was left on my own for a whole morning / afternoon if I was off sick (extremely rarely) while my mother (who was a teacher!) was at work.

I left DD on her own in the house for short periods from when she was 8, same with DS. She has been allowed to walk to and from school since she was 9 (very busy traffic here). She learned how to make a cup of tea at Brownies when she was 8 or 9 and makes a lovely cuppa now!

DO what you feel is right for you and your child.

In answer to the OP, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't, mainly because I can't see DS (6) being mature enough at that age and I'm fairly certain that he wouldn't want to be on his own. However, I am, in general, all for giving them independence to equip themselves. Am planning on letting him go to the local shop on his own fairly soon.

No flaming here but I personally wouldn't leave a child that age for that period of time.
an hour is a really long time for a 7 year old, their concept of time isn't as clear as with adults.

I would be happy to go and pop to the village shop for milk or to ask a neighbour a question etc, but wouldn't feel happy to be out of the village.

I know it keeps coming up about a car accident but there really is something in this. It doesn't have to be a fatal accident, all sorts of delays happen, someone else in an accident and you being stuck in the traffic jam for instance can change an hour to the supermarket to several hours.

I don't think you can be too cautious with them at this age. independence will come soon enough.

I think it would be OK to nip to the corner shop, but not to drive to the supermarket.

Haven't read all the thread, just one thing, could she get out if there were a fire?

(having had a house fire years ago, I am slightly paranoid about this!!)

' As a university teacher, I am all for training them before they hit their university towns, I see enough clueless teenagers to give me sleepless nights. Some have never been allowed to boil a kettle or have any responsibility of their own until they are dumped in a strange town full of alcohol and dodgy boilers. '

This is my point entirely. They are no allowed to do anything until they are at least 14yrs-it is a terrible amount to cram into 4 years.
No one has told me what their 7yr old DC would do if they were alone in the house with you and you fell down the stairs and knocked yourself out? Have you discussed it, or is it just assumed that disaster can't happen while you are there?

No one has explained why being worried at home is worse than being in the car crash with you! I have to say that given the choice I would prefer them to be safe and worried, than in the car crash-I also assume they would phone someone.

You may think your dd is sensible but is she when you are not there.

Funnily enough, yesterday I visited a house with a lone 8 year old in (didnt know that on the visit). Knocked on the door and could hear movement inside so called through letter box. The mum is a little unpredictable so wanted to check that mum wasnt hurt.

After a very short time of talking to the boy in the house, he let me in !!!! (I didnt go in, just talked to him but he opened door).

Later his mum told me in shock and horror that he had promised not to answer the door, and that he was a sensible lad who knows not to talk to strangers!

Children away from the adult supervision in the background can be notoriously unpredictable and do things you wouldnt expect. My dd microwaved something recently - I would never ever ever have thought she would be so silly. She is 6 and knows not to touch cooker or microwave. We nearly had a fire!!!

Pisces, They would then use the training they have been given and dial 999. As it is not them that has actually fallen down the stairs then of course they are capable of dialling 999.

I don't see why the big rush to leave 7 year olds on their own. There will still be plenty of years ahead to teach independence.

Under no circumstances would I leave a 7 year old in the house on their own for an hour. I don't believe for a second that it's any kind of 'lesson in independence', I think it's for an easy life and not to have to drag a child round the supermarket. Sorry but I think YABU.

I think the worst thing is that children that young can easily become very frightened.I would hate to think of them at home terrified while I wasn't there.I think it would be OK to leave her for up to half an hour but an hour for a supermarket shop doesn't feel right.A year later at 8.5 or 9.Probably OK

YABU. 7 is too young IMO. I was happy to leave mine when they were 10.

'You may think your dd is sensible but is she when you are not there.'

I found that mine were much more sensible when I wasn't there.
I wouldn't actually leave the 7 yr old to go to a supermarket,but I would leave them to go to the local shop-at the end of phone and 5 mins away. I wouldn't leave them if they hadn't asked and were not happy about it.

I think that it needs to be very, very gradual but that you do need to start early.
It might be more helpful if there were official guidelines e.g. an 8 yr old should be able to make a cup of tea, under supervision, they should be able to walk 200metres to post a letter if there are no roads to cross etc.

I don't see a problem with not letting a 7 yr old stay at home,many are not ready, but it is a bit worrying if people are not letting their 11 yr old walk to a school bus, go around town on their own or have half an hour at home on their own.

I'm undecided (so I guess YANBU but I'm not sure I'll be ready for that when my youngest is 7)

I have left my 2 alone for around 5-10 minutes to pop to the corner shop. (age 6 and 7 1/2). Our corner shop is only a few doors away, and I'd be out of earshot for longer than 5-10 minutes if I was hanging the washing up in the garden.

Its a tricky balance between encouraging independence and ensuring safety, and we all make our own decisions, knowing our own children. When we were away last week, I let my older daughter go the the little shop on the caravan site to buy milk, and she was really proud of herself. It was a short distance, there was only one road, and cars drive very slowly on the site.

I'd be a bit wary about leaving her to go to sainsburys (not an issue anyway, DH works part time and goes on his day off while they are at school) - mostly because of the distance and time involved. But i can imagine in a couple of years time, if DH goes back to work full time, we might consider leaving one or both of them at home.

When they go to secondary school, they will have to walk to school on their own, and cross some busy roads - they need to start gradually building up independence from around age 7 or 8, so that it doesn't all come at once.

Haven't read the whole thread but 7 is too young imo. Of course that doesn't mean mollycoddling until they are teens - there is a middle way!
Also it's not a question of trusting a 7 year old but of your parental responsibility.
Having taught 7 year olds for longer than I xcare to remember I really, really don't think they are old enough for this but think that the other things you are doing ie watching her round a park etc are a good way of starting some of the independence they need later.

YABU at 7/8.
I was told recently by a SW friend that there are no rules but guidelines say 12 to be left and 14 to look after younger children. This man does not like to leave his DC at home now even though they are 13 and 12, his wife does not work and I think he was having a dig at me. My eldest DD is almost 14 extremely sensible and more than capable of cooking tea without an adult being present. She certainly uses the kettle and toaster when at home alone. She has been bringing herself home from school on bus and foot since she went to Senior school and is home alone for up to 2 hours each night and all day sometimes in the holidays.
DD2 is 11 and now that she is in her last term at junior school is allowed to walk herself home and is then alone for up to 30 minutes until her big sister gets home.
I didn't leave either of them for more than 15 minutes until they were in year 5 (9/10) and I just don't feel it is appropriate. I also only let them wait in the car if I am popping in to the supermarket for essentials if I am doing a shop then it is too long to just sit in the car. Also if I am doing the weekly shop it will be for their benefit and they can come inside and help (I always have one of them to push the trolley).
I believe in trusting children and in allowing them freedom, DD2 will play out with her friends on our housing estate for hours each evening, she has boundaries and keeps to them. DD1 is off on a school trip to Europe this summer, where there are expected to be independent (shop, prepare food, wash etc.) and I have given her the skills and confidence to know that she can do this.
I don't subscribe to the fear factors described on here, burglars, fire etc. although when I am at work I am only 15 minutes away and there are family and friends nearer.

What if you had an accident, or were held up in a traffic jam etc, etc, etc, ?

There are too many imponderables, and 7 is too young by far IMO to be left for an hour especially if parent is a car journey away.

If there were a neighbour nearby to superivse or to run to, perhaps. But probably still not at 7.

Also, what Gobsmacked said.

Mmm. If OP is going to have a car accident it's clearly much better that her DD is in the car with her...

(doesn't mean that it's a good idea to leave the 7yo at home, but that particular argument cuts both ways)

Clearly car accident merely an example of an unforseen event that could happen.