Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be doing this?

143 replies

analbeard · 02/06/2010 23:04

have name changed for this as sensitive issue here.

i am feeling so bad about this it is hard to cope. basically dp left i claimed single parent benefits and now he has moved back in but he wont let me tell them. says if i do he will leave again as im not sponging off him. help!

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 02/06/2010 23:06

he souns like a twat, personally I'd tell him to leave.

maybebaby23 · 02/06/2010 23:08

You will get caught out and have to pay it all back. Not worth it imo.

Original poster
analbeard · 02/06/2010 23:08

yes i do not want him here again but feel that he is good with our dcs and has no where else to go

OP posts:
Original poster
analbeard · 02/06/2010 23:09

thts what im vvv scared of maybe

OP posts:
maybebaby23 · 02/06/2010 23:10

Well maybe he wont up and leave if you tell them then, as he would have nowhere to go?

MathsMadMummy · 02/06/2010 23:10

he can't physically stop you telling the council can he? it's totally not worth the risk, you could go to prison

Rindercella · 02/06/2010 23:11

Being good with his own children and having nowhere else to go are not compelling reasons for either having him move back in with you or for committing fraud.

maybebaby23 · 02/06/2010 23:11

I'd be scared too. My stupid FIL is always telling us to claim money in some stupid way like that "cos everyone does it" i wouldn't risk it for anyone. My kids and i would be in serious shit if i had to pay hundreds back when i got caught!

LoveBeing34 · 02/06/2010 23:12

And you want this controlling man in your life why? What's he gonna do shen you getcaught?

Vallhala · 02/06/2010 23:13

What's worse? Telling the man who is controlling and threatening you with leaving to go or being prosecuted if you're caught out and all the stress, fines, possible imprisonment I'd imagine and repayments that go with it?

Your DP surely knows the risk he is demanding that you take. If it all goes belly up - leaving aside the moral issue - it will be you who suffers, not him. And what's to say he won't leave anyway, in the near future or when you get caught out?

That's not love - thats control, a form of mental and emotional abuse.

Do you have children? Is he saying that he is not prepared to pay for his own offspring?

For gods sake, tell him to leave. You can't live like this, it's a wicked thing to expect of you and an utterly unreasonable way to treat you.

Original poster
analbeard · 02/06/2010 23:13

yes but if i tell the council myself and he has already told me not too, he will
a wonder how they knew
b stop any money coming my way and
c not buy the food as i always buy it
really confused about this

OP posts:
ShinyAndNew · 02/06/2010 23:15

Phone the police. They will remove him from your house if you tell them he is refusing to leave.

It's not your responsibility to house him. Where was he staying before he moved in? Sounds like your dc would be better off without him anyway.

What sort of example is he setting to them blackmailing their mother?

Vallhala · 02/06/2010 23:15

Sorry, I took too long to post and missed your own comment that you have DC. Think too about the impact on them, A. if you commit fraud and are caught, which is highly likely, and B. wrt the stress you'll suffer and the effect that will have on your relationship with them as well as the financial impact.

Rindercella · 02/06/2010 23:15

The solution is simple. Tell the arsewipe that you have informed the council (without actually doing so). Arswipe moves out ala his threat. You continue to claim your benefits. Tada!

MintHumbug · 02/06/2010 23:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
analbeard · 02/06/2010 23:18

it all seems so simple in black and white. wish it was that easy. i dont want to go to prison but i love him. think i will tell them anyway

OP posts:
maybebaby23 · 02/06/2010 23:18

Also you could tell him you have cancelled the benefit (without doing so) and see if he really would leave. He may just get cross (HA, i know i'd have DH's cases packed and on the step before he could blink) Don't be controlled in this way. Do what you know is right for your kids. You will survive without this pillock man.

Original poster
analbeard · 02/06/2010 23:19

im really upset reading through this

OP posts:
belledechocolatefluffybunny · 02/06/2010 23:20

So, he wants you to commit benefit fraud so he'll stay with you? He's a tosser, it doesn't matter how good a father he is, he's not worth being prosecuted over.

Original poster
analbeard · 02/06/2010 23:20

thankyou. im worried also he wont pay the rent. dont want tgo be left homeless

OP posts:
ShinyAndNew · 02/06/2010 23:21

If you love a man who is willing to put you through this stress and who you believe would leave you and his own children with no food rather than stump up, you need counselling.

Also if he is willing to leave you with nothing he is NOT a good father.

Vallhala · 02/06/2010 23:21

Straight question analbeard - who do you love more, your DP or your children?

If the answer is your children, you know what you have to do, for their sake, if you won't do it for your own wellbeing.

maybebaby23 · 02/06/2010 23:21

I feel for you, i do! but urge you to do the right thing for yourself and your kids.

Rindercella · 02/06/2010 23:21

By analbeard Wed 02-Jun-10 23:08:54
yes i do not want him here again but feel that he is good with our dcs and has no where else to go

Doesn't sound much like love to me.

Original poster
analbeard · 02/06/2010 23:22

of course my dcs, goes without saying. but my dc also love their dad and want him around.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread