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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be doing this?

143 replies

analbeard · 02/06/2010 23:04

have name changed for this as sensitive issue here.

i am feeling so bad about this it is hard to cope. basically dp left i claimed single parent benefits and now he has moved back in but he wont let me tell them. says if i do he will leave again as im not sponging off him. help!

OP posts:
Original poster
analbeard · 03/06/2010 10:17

ok im just scared if we are still here when he gets back again tonight i dont no what he will do to me. he told me last night he has a suprise lined up for me so i want to get out with dc whilst we still can. i dont care about the house or anything at the minute just want to be safe with my dcs.

cant ring the police i think he would honestly kill me marine. it would be my word against his and if they let him go we would be in danger.

cant do anything untill he gets up and goes to work. i no people might think im crazy but i do love him, but am just so frightened now i no i have to get my children to safety.

OP posts:
Mingg · 03/06/2010 10:18

Have you considered the possibility that once, for whatever reason he leaves and this is not amicable, he'll tell the council? Or if not him someone else and then you'll get prosecuted. Do be the one to tell them.

Having said that I think the council at the moment is the least of your worries and I feel for you. Please please go to your mother's as you are planning and contact women's aid so that you will get the help you need to get out of this terrible situation.

booyhoo · 03/06/2010 10:18

oh analbeard. phone the police right now. dont even wait. just do it now. get someone round to your house now. tell the police everything. i promise you it will be ok, they will remove him from the house. get an injunction. just do it NOW. ring them now.

Original poster
analbeard · 03/06/2010 10:21

i cant boo he is in bed and im scared. cant tell them in front of him. what if he heard me make the call im scared he would hurt my dcs as he knows this would kill me.

i am going to leave when he goes to work. it will be safer.

OP posts:
Mingg · 03/06/2010 10:22

Just saw your last two posts - you need to call the police

foureleven · 03/06/2010 10:24

I dont have any experience or advice Im afriad. Just offering an um MN like hug and lots of support.

FlightyButPolite · 03/06/2010 10:28

AB, what time do you think he'll leave? Do you want us to google train times for you or anything?

TottWriter · 03/06/2010 10:29

analbeard, when he goes to work, take your children down to the local police station. Get them out of the house, and tell a police officer everything that has been happening. They will help you - they will not turn you back over to him, and they will help you get your belongings out of the house and take you to a safe place such as your mother's.

Please, please PLEASE do this as soon as you feel safe - ie the moment he is out of sight of the house. I promise you they will believe you. It's not 'his word against yours', it is a very serious crime that he has committed and one which they are duty bound to investigate.

HobbitMama · 03/06/2010 10:30

It's very hard ab, to hear so many different opinions in a situation like yours, and know what to do. I too had a mentally and emotionally abusive situation, but didn't even realise how bad it hadd been until afterwards.
Please please - get professional assistance as soon as possible, CAB, Women'sAid, police - whatever you can. Especially if you don't have any rl friends/family close by to help.
I would suggest not leaving, but finding a way to remove him. You need your home for your dc's and they will need that stability.
But if you or them are being harmed - leave and inform the police. ASAP. Fuck work - they will understand. you and your dc's are your ONLY priority.
I hope you are ok and that you get things resolved as best as possible.

PassMeTheKleenex · 03/06/2010 10:30

Is he back because he wants to be in your relationship, or because he needs a roof over his head?
Without being glib, I think I would rather keep the benefits than have him making threats. What's to stop him leaving next time?

Sorry, I know it must be upsetting, but you can't let your and your kids' lives be disrupted according to the whims of someone who is prepared to allow you to commit fraud (note, he's not putting himself in the firing line...)

booyhoo · 03/06/2010 10:33

what time does he go to work at?

as soon as he goes ring them and tell them you need them to come to the house straight away as you are scared of what he will do when he gets back. tell them absolutely everything he has done. they will probably need the dcs to be out of the room.

booyhoo · 03/06/2010 10:33

you wont need to tell them infront of him. tehy wont ask you to do that. they will take a statemnet in private.

booyhoo · 03/06/2010 10:35

is there anyone you can call to come and stay with you for a while or help with the dcs while this is all happening? have you got any money he has access to? get it before he can.

Timbachick · 03/06/2010 10:35

I have just come onto this thread. God, how awful for you - to be going through this AND to be so scared about acting. I understand how paralysing fear can be, but you must see that that is exactly what he relies upon ... your fear to keep you where he wants you. On reading through your posts I have got more and more concerned for you - this is NOT love. This is abuse: mental, emotional, physical. What he did to you last night WAS rape, pure and simple. I know you will probably have showered but if you haven't, don't - the police will be able to take DNA samples from you. I know this sounds horrific but he needs to be stopped from doing this to you and your DC's. What example are your DC's getting: (1) that it is OK for Daddy to behave like this to women and (2)women are supposed to behave just like you are!!!! If you have a DD then what message is she getting? If you have a DS - how is he being educated to relate to women by all of this. None of this is your fault but you do need to act - for yourself and your children. Get him out. Go to CAB, Womens Aid/Refuge and definitely the police - in fact the police should be first port of call. NB. My dad was a policeman and you do not want to hear some of the things done to wives and children by husbands - the police take a VERY dim view of this type of crime ... as do other criminals in prison which is hopefully where your H will 'make new friends' shortly. Please be strong and do what you know you have to.

booyhoo · 03/06/2010 10:38

AB i am really worried about you right now. please ring the police as soon as he goes. lock all the doors until they come.

Original poster
analbeard · 03/06/2010 10:39

thankyou flighty. he leaves at 12. he will just get up and go so we are ok at the moment.

i have just googled and there is a train at four. gives me time to collect my money and sort out dcs and their things.

doea anyone no how i can delete computer history as i dont want him finding that i have googled the train times

OP posts:
booyhoo · 03/06/2010 10:40

have you somwhere to go that you will be safe? is tehre someone who will let you stay?

FlightyButPolite · 03/06/2010 10:40

I'm really hoping that AB has just gone quiet while he wakes up and leaves the house.

Please God.

FlightyButPolite · 03/06/2010 10:41

X posts glad you are ok.

FlightyButPolite · 03/06/2010 10:43

Control shift Delete held down at the same time.

Original poster
analbeard · 03/06/2010 10:45

if i go to the police station when he has left do you think they will help me get to my mums before telling him they no?

im just so scared when he finds out i have been to the police he will be angry.

if they could help us to my mums it would help as i have 4 dcs. who are young all under 6 and 2 are still in their pram so would be hard on a train but i have to get out of here today. not staying another night here and to be honest i no if they did getr him out he would never leave me alone like last time.

OP posts:
booyhoo · 03/06/2010 10:50

i think you are doing the right thing going to your mums. does she live far?

i would i magine they will take you there as it is a place of safety but i have no experience of this so i cant be sure. the best way to know will be to ring them. either way they will not let him get at you. but they cant help unless they know you need help.

Original poster
analbeard · 03/06/2010 10:51

boo we have no one locally but my mum lives in london and we can stay with her for a while. its just getting their now that is going to be hard. but we cant stay here

OP posts:
Original poster
analbeard · 03/06/2010 10:52

thankyou flighty.

OP posts:
FlightyButPolite · 03/06/2010 11:03

I've got to go out for about half an hour (doctors) but will be thinking about you.

I know that hugs are extremely unMN so how about a quick squeeze for courage.