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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be doing this?

143 replies

analbeard · 02/06/2010 23:04

have name changed for this as sensitive issue here.

i am feeling so bad about this it is hard to cope. basically dp left i claimed single parent benefits and now he has moved back in but he wont let me tell them. says if i do he will leave again as im not sponging off him. help!

OP posts:
belledechocolatefluffybunny · 02/06/2010 23:40

Do contact them, they can give you all the support that you need. You and your children do not deserve to live like this, you need to do something.

analbeard · 02/06/2010 23:41

how did you escape vall if you dont mind me asking

OP posts:
mumdrivenmad · 02/06/2010 23:43

You do not "sponge" off a partner, a partner should imply that you have a partnership. You will end up with a criminal record if they decide to prosectue WHEN you get caught. I think you need to get yourself in touch with you local women's refuge, who will help you to get this man out of your life, if that is what you want. You may not think that you have the strength to tell him to go, but maybe you need to give yourself a life plan, to work out what you want from life. YOU are worth far more than his excuse of a man, and the sooner you see this the better for you and your children.

analbeard · 02/06/2010 23:44

belle im worried if i tell womens aid they will tell the police on me about the rent and my benefit. then if i go to prison my dcs will be left with him

OP posts:
PortiaNovmerriment · 02/06/2010 23:44

They won't.

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 02/06/2010 23:46

They are only interested in your safety. He's manipulating you into doing this, anyone will be able to see this. You are in an abusive relationship and it's more important that you get some support and get this twat out of your house.

analbeard · 02/06/2010 23:49

ok thankyou. im so ashamed. will have to go soon before he gets in else if he comes in and im still awake bad things might happen. but will phone womens aid tomorrow.

OP posts:
Vallhala · 02/06/2010 23:50

Not at all. I lived in a house that was rented in my name. DH had been violent many, many times, issued threats like your DP, emotionally abused me and the babes, the works.

He was violent to me in front of my sister, I had him removed by the Police and had sufficient evidence for a prosecution (found guilty) and an injunction - the latter of which which I would HIGHLY recommend in your case, he will be arrested if he tries to approach you.

Some months later, I fell for the "I've changed" routine and took him back. Nothing of course DID change. He threatened me once more and I knew then that I had to take more serious action. To be blunt, and not going into too much detail, I had someone 'speak' to him to make it clear that there were bigger, more violent bullies than him out there.

I'm not proud of doing that, but I am still today sure that I would have ended up either far more seriously hurt, my DDs would be hurt or I would crack if I didn't. It was that last threat which did it, that he would "turn me over, he'd done it before and he'd do it again", that scared me, forced me into the real world and the comprehension of the risk I and my DDs were at.

iwastooearlytobeayummymummy · 02/06/2010 23:50

Womensaid and the CAB are completely confidential, unless there is very obvious risk of loss of life to the client or dependents.
Do not ignore the advice you have been given here,
You deserve to be treated with love and respect, as do your children.

analbeard · 02/06/2010 23:52

thankyou vall so sorry to hear you have been through this. its awful. really sorry. so glad you are safe now.

OP posts:
belledechocolatefluffybunny · 02/06/2010 23:54

Goodnight, it will work out OK, even if you can't see it now. You need to stay strong and get some help though, this isn't something you can solve by yourself.

analbeard · 02/06/2010 23:55

i am a wreck at the moment. if i took the courage to phone the police he would obviously deny it. what if they wont beleive me. i will be hurt more then if they left him here. he once tied me up for two days and beat and starved me and the dcs. so i cant rock the boat i have to keep them safe.

OP posts:
Vallhala · 02/06/2010 23:58

Thats what I hope you'll hold on to analbeard. I was scared, more scared than I've ever been in my life before or since. I became a shadow of the woman I was before I met my ex, a subdued, dominated, controlled mouse, frightened to go out and worse still frightened to come home if I did go out.

BUT... that was then. This is now and the old Val is back, confident and chilled. I'll never forget what happened but it no longer haunts my ever waking moment. When you get out of this, given time, you too WILL look back and be so bloody glad you escaped and so relieved that you are 'you' again. It takes time, it takes being kind to yourself.

I hope that you WILL be kind to yourself.

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 02/06/2010 23:58

You need to contact womens aid. They can advise you on what you need to do. This man is dangerous, please call them as soon as you can. You can email them if you can't phone, they will understand.

analbeard · 03/06/2010 00:01

have to go now before he gets back. have frightened myself tonight i think it seems more real. am going to sleep in with my dcs tonight to keep us safe and tomorrow ring the womens aid. thankyou everyone

OP posts:
Vallhala · 03/06/2010 00:02

I heartily agree that you should contact Women's Aid. They'll help you in complete confidence - they know how frightening this sort of thing is and how hard it is.

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 03/06/2010 00:03

Come back tomorrow when you have contacted them.

Vallhala · 03/06/2010 00:05

Please come back and let us know you're okay, and please PLEASE do call Womens Aid in the morning. If you feel any doubt about doing so, re-read this thread, as I think it might make all the difference to reassuring you that this is the right thing to do.

maybebaby23 · 03/06/2010 07:10

Hope you are ok today OP?? Thinking of you, let us know how you get on won't you?

analbeard · 03/06/2010 09:57

i am ok maybe thanks for asking and being so kind to think about me.

he is in bed atm going to work later so will call them then. had another episode last night i just want this to stop. he dragged me from dd's bed and forced me to have sex with him. i idnt protest would hate to think what would have happened if dcs would have woken up.

think when he goes to work im going to go and collect my money from post office and then catch a train to my mums. cant cope anymore. is this the right thing to do?what shall i take?it cant be alot as have to carry it all with 4 young dcs. sorry about this.

OP posts:
Gigantaur · 03/06/2010 10:05

he is telling you that he wont allow you to "sponge" off him? so asking the father of your child to support you whilst he lives in your home is "sponging"?

I disagree that you should tell the council or quit your benefits.
he needs to leave.

I understand that you love him, but most abused women love the person that is controlling and abusing them.

you need him out of your life and away from your child. Benefits may not be great but it is a far better life for yours DC's than watching their mother slowly chipped away by a selfish pig of a father.

MarineIguana · 03/06/2010 10:09

So sorry for what you're going through. I think you should call the police right now, report him for rape, ask them to help you get out of there asap and to arrest him (for your and your DC safety as well as because he has committed a serious crime).

I may be out of line here but IMO you do not love him. You have got tangled up with this nasty piece of work and feel like you need him (though you don't). This isn't love.

MathsMadMummy · 03/06/2010 10:12

I'm sorry it's so bad for you

From other people's experiences, leaving the house may not be a good idea as you may never get back in (locks changed etc, I've heard that happens a lot) - I don't know though, hopefully somebody will come along with advice. thinking of you xx

EleanorHandbasket · 03/06/2010 10:12

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EleanorHandbasket · 03/06/2010 10:16

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