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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

pregnant woman vs man with pram (another bus thread)

160 replies

beanlet · 01/06/2010 23:16

So, I'm 36 weeks pregnant and was sitting on one of the disabled seats on the bus, the ones that fold up to allow extra space for prams if there are no disabled people. A fit young man got on with a DD who looked to be at least 5 sitting in a folding pram. Despite the fact that there were two free folding seats next to me, he made me get up and sit somewhere else so he could park the pram.

AIBU to think a) disabled trumps 5-year-old in pram, b) 36 weeks pregnant is near-as dammit to disabled, and c) therefore I should have "sat" my ground?

OP posts:
MrsDrOwenHunt · 02/06/2010 08:33

i had to take ds to dr a couple of months ago as he had a chest infection and i borrowed a friends buggy coz he could walk far! so bollocks to your i can see if they are disabled comment! who are you? jesus christ?

Isanotherday · 02/06/2010 08:35

Triggles- I think disability was mentioned due to the child's age.
I think that you should move for a child say 3 or under, but that a pregnant woman should take priority over a single older child.

alexisfaith · 02/06/2010 08:40

This kind of topic really gets to me. As a five year old, I was in a pram for a disability that isn't very obvious. As an adult, if I sit in a disabled seat, I get torrents of abuse from people who think that I'm not disabled. Let's stop guessing other people's circumstances.

I hate being described as 'disabled' and I'm quick to avoid it. So when I take up a seat like that on the bus, I feel awful . I need it, but I'd love to give it up for others who need it.

I would stand and allow a pregnant woman to sit if I could! The fact that I can't really bothers me. So OP, I feel a bit offended that you think 'disabled trumps' something. It definitely trumps nothing, it's a pain in the ass!

NorkyButNice · 02/06/2010 08:42

My 2.5 yr old is the same size as the 4 yr olds at his nursery so how can you know that she was 5?

YABVU anyway. There were spare seats so it wasn't like he was expecting you to stand.

MintHumbug · 02/06/2010 08:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Triggles · 02/06/2010 09:01

Isanotherday - absolutely wrong! There is no age limit on disability! And there is no way by just looking at a child to tell whether or not they are disabled. A pregnant woman taking priority over a child? What a odd way of putting it! She's PREGNANT, NOT DISABLED!

God, I hate how some people feel that being pregnant means they need to put themselves up for special treatment in this way.

Bottom line - the OP was inconsiderate and lazy. She had no excuse for wanting to stay in that seat other than a misplaced sense of entitlement. She had no idea the circumstances of the parent with the child in the pram, and the fact that she didn't move voluntarily without him having to say something just underlines the fact that she is inconsiderate. Unless, of course, now she is going to do the "AIBU by stealth" ploy and drip feed some inane reason why she, too, is entitled to the seat... because pregnancy alone is not a good enough reason.

NestaFiesta · 02/06/2010 09:21

I had appalling SPD when I was pregnant with what turned out to be a massive DS2 but I would ALWAYS have got up for a pram. Its a real faff to supervise your child whilst trying to fold a pram on a bus, especially when bus drivers give you all of 0.2 seconds to sit down and get comfortable before charging off.

Its nobody's business why a 5 year old is in a pushchair, its just consideration not to make the parent fold the damn thing just because a pregnant woman won't sit elsewhere. The only caveat would be if the bus was packed and there were no other seats, then I probably would have stayed put had I been pg with my horrid SPD rather than standing for the journey.

I'm guessing this is OP's first pregnancy. By the time you have your second, you'll be a) positively casual about stuff like this and b) more considerate as you will then be in the shoes of the parent with buggy.

tethersend · 02/06/2010 09:22

Why sit in the wheelchair/buggy area if there were other seats free?

Unless you were looking for a fight...

Firawla · 02/06/2010 09:22

YABU whether the child was disabled or not, there were other seats so should have sat in those in the first place. that area is for wheelchairs and buggies. If you are in london i dont get why not just sit in the priority seats @ the front,noone can ask you to move from there.Sitting in the buggy area is a very weird choice,of course people have to ask you to move!
and my ds same as minthumbug looks big for his age, so people think he's older but he's not even 2. no way would i take him out his buggy so that a pregnant lady could sit in the wrong place with other seats available, how ridiculous (well i cant fold it anyway p&t but even if i could i wouldnt in that case)

biddysmama · 02/06/2010 09:30

my 14 month old is bigger than my friends 2 year old so you cant really judge a childs age

also autism/aspergers etc are invisible but some times putting a child in a buggy would be for their own safety, my ds has never liked public transport and was a runner so sometimes i would put him in a buggy when he was probably too old for one..

PheasantPlucker · 02/06/2010 09:34
MollieO · 02/06/2010 09:38

There must have been a non-obvious reason why the 5 yr old was in a buggy. No one in their right mind would choose to push a 5 yr old. Ds is 5 and it was hard enough pushing him around when he was 2. I can't imagine doing that the size he is now (weighs 3.5 stone).

violethill · 02/06/2010 09:44

Agree with MollieO that no one in their right mind would push a 5 year old onto a bus without good reason, so I'm guessing that there was a 'hidden' disability.

Also am that anyone can seriously describe being 8 months pregnant as 'near as dammit disabled'!! It's a perfectly natural state, not an illness or a disability! How the hell would you cope with being 8 months pregnant and running around after another couple of kids if you get flaky over moving seats on a bus? Of course, there may be some 'hidden' pregnancy complication which makes it more difficult for you, but in that case, shouldn't you be more sympathetic to the possible difficulties of others?

elliemental · 02/06/2010 09:53

I had to stand on a train from York to Scotland when 6 months pg, as my original train with booked seat was cancelled and on the next train, all seats were taken. Did I expect anyone to move for me? no...
(But I did secretly hope someone would take pity on me...!) in the end, another standing passanger moved a suitcase so i could perch on the luggage rack.

OP, get used to bus traumas with a small baby/child, sympathetic bus drivers and passengers are few and far between. It's every man/woman/baby for himself

Triggles · 02/06/2010 10:04

I imagine in 6 months time we will see the OP posting on here how a pregnant woman wanted her to fold up her buggy on the bus with her baby, and the OP will be all offended because of it.

5DollarShake · 02/06/2010 10:08

I genuinely do not understand the problem - there were other seats available.

If you travel by public transport, this is what you deal with.

alexisfaith · 02/06/2010 10:42

I've just realized there were other seats available! And there I was, feeling guilty about my disability.

OP, you are just

Be grateful you'll only feel exhausted and have restricted mobility for the duration of pregnancy. And, damn it, have some respect!

mayorquimby · 02/06/2010 11:03

you lose all your moral high-ground by equating pregnancy to a disability.

Isanotherday · 02/06/2010 11:06

Agree that you can't judge age or always see disabilty. I only have a baby so am not aware how many people would use a buggy with older children without a disability. I myself am tall and my baby is 99th centile for height so I may well experience similar in the future!

I do think it is possible though that some parents may just keep a non disabled child in a buggy for their own convinience e.g. so they don't need to keep an eye on them and in those circumstances I think a pregnant woman should take priority.

However, I also agree that people should not have to disclose personal information, so I guess you have to assume that person would have a 'good' reason to have their child in the buggy (definition of a good reason likely to vary!)

CheekyPinkSox · 02/06/2010 11:08

What would have happened if you had have moved and the bus moved too, and you'd have fallen?? YANBU to be mad. I suffered badly with SPD throughout both my pregnancies and prevented me from walking far, if someone would have asked me to move on a bus at 36 weeks - baring in mind i gave birth to both at 37 & 38 weeks i would have told them to fark off unless it was someone near the age of 90!

Morloth · 02/06/2010 11:13

I think if you choose to sit in those seats you have to be prepared to move if someone gets on with either a buggy/wheelchair.

Once again I am left wondering if I live on a different planet to most MNers.

Triggles · 02/06/2010 11:23

Ah, but nobody forced her to sit in that seat. Common sense should have told her to simply not sit there and choose another available seat to begin with. Then there would have been no possibility of someone coming along with priority to the seat causing her to move. But she specifically chose that seat because she feels pregnancy is a disability. And she never stated she had SPD, which really isn't a good excuse either. I had dreadful SPD, requiring crutches, and I didn't use the seats reserved for those with wheelchairs/buggies/disabilities, and I'm sure I'm not the only one in that situation. Unfortunately, I think this is one of those situations where the OP feels regular rules don't apply to her and that she takes priority over others. If not, she would have gone directly to a normal seat upon entering the bus, and the whole situation would have been avoided.

Pootles2010 · 02/06/2010 11:34

Cheeky - how would you get on/off bus then? you can't say you won't do anything when pregnant for fear of falling

Fair enough i wouldn't go upstairs on a bus now i'm heavily preg, but to refuse to change seats? just hold onto the pole thingies if you're really that worried. Plus if she were that worried about moving seats she should have sat in non-disabled to start with?

I personally hate sitting in those seats, because i worry about offending someone by offereing them a seat and them taking the hump because they're either not preg or not as old as i think they are!

Goblinchild · 02/06/2010 11:37

'Unfortunately, I think this is one of those situations where the OP feels regular rules don't apply to her and that she takes priority over others.'

So I'm assuming it's a first pregnancy then?
I love the smugness of being able to diagnose a disability with a few seconds of observation. Please God, tell me you're not a teacher beanlet.

alexisfaith · 02/06/2010 11:43

Goblin, it is very smug of OP, you're right. I always wonder how adults with such opinions would cope if they had a child with disabilities and strangers were showing that child such judgement.