I know i am NBU, please confirm!! DSS and girlfriend

[TrappedinSuburbia]

Dss (16) has brought his girlfriend home for the first time. They are currently watching a dvd in his bedroom (door open).
I say that when ds (5) goes to bed, they need to come downstairs.
AIBU?? (dp disagrees)

You are making the assumption that they are doing something wrong. I don't share that view.

Posie I see from your profile that your children are all still very young. It is hard to try and second-guess how you will feel about things when they are older, beause you cannot visualise them as anything other than innocent babies who can't make adult decisions/rational judgements. But when they are older, (and lovely mature responsible young men who make you proud) it will be different. You'll see!

But OP, you already said it wasn't a school night tonight? Why could your DSS not have been allowed to carry on watching his DVD? Surely if your DS was awake anyway he could have stayed up and watched something with you. A little flexibility here wouldn't have gone amiss, it all just seems a little unjust.

Just a thought: Most people who object to this seem to do so because of some slightly warped notion of 'respect'.

They accept that their DCs will be having sex, but feel that it shows a weakness on their part, and lack of respect on their DCs part, to allow it to happen 'under your roof.' At what point do we change our minds about that? How do we justify our decision about which partner is or isn't allowed to stay over, or which age is or isn't acceptable, or which length of relationship is long enough? It's a minefield.

So long as it's not illegal for either party, and there is not a constant stream of casual shags meeting you on the stairs every Sunday morning, and your teenagers are being very discreet, and in a loving committed relationship I really don't understand the logic of needing to pretend it's not happening, or forcing them to make it happen elsewhere. It is their home, too, not just yours! Where is your respect and understanding for them?!

No, I just remember, far too vividly, being a teen. In a responsible relationship and one that my parents deliberately didn't check up where we were sleeping but didn't 'encourage' it either. And you're probably right I will feel different or not[buries head in sand].

Where's the transparency if you don't know who your teenager's having sex with, or where?

There has to be a respectful understanding between parents and teens that the arrangement isn't about casual sex and one night stands (they'l save that for uni )

I think TiggyR is right, as long as the teens are acting responsibly and have been taught about being safe then there isn't any problem with them having sex (obviously once they are past the age of consent).

Interestingly, both DH and my parents are liberal Christians. I was raised knowing that they thought it was a good idea to wait until I was married to have sex, but I was also taught about safe sex and allowed to have my boyfriend (DH) over to stay once we had been together for a while (as I was welcome to stay at his house), we never actually had sex until we got married despite having all the opportunity in the world (and it was bloody hard work as well!). Neither did we take the piss with our parents.

I hope to do as good a job with this as my parents/inlaws did.

I was allowed to have my BF to stay. I was 18 but that's got nothing to do with it - I just hadn't had a serious relationship until then. That's not to say that I hadn't had sex - I had, aged 17 with a moron who my mum had never met. I don't need to explain which was the healthier arrangement!

You see, that's a perfect example of giving your DCs enough guidance to make what you hope are the right choices, but respecting them enough to allow them the freedom to decide for themselves, and accepting that their views/values may ultimately, not mirror yours. Hopefully if you've done your job well there will be no need to lay down strict laws/rules - your DCs will have a pretty well developed sense of boundaries and respect, and some decent values of their own!

Ha ha! Lighten up PosieParker. I generally agree with you about most things.

My parents sound a bit like the op. Everything was designed to accomodate the youngest in the family which actually had a disastrous effect on the older children.

Plus, I think OP should get her DSS a new DVD player. They are only £25 from Asda. I bet the 5 year old would get a new one if his broke.

I'm allowed a few more years of pretending my children will never have sex.....so ner!

Would you make DSS come downstairs if he was alone and watching a DVD?

I think YABU. A child's bedroom should be their own space - more so for a teenager. They have to be able to escape from parents.

Tiggy, can I book you to come and talk sense to me in oooh about 10 years when DD1 is 16??

DH has the same attitude as you do (or at least, he did before we had children - don't know how he'll feel when it's a reality with his baby girls ) and I want to feel like that but struggle with it. I have an inner Church Elder who shouts 'Not under my roof! Harlot!' and I think I'll need help shutting him up.............

PP - of course you are! Enjoy it while it lasts.

I have to say, in my experience, it helps ENORMOUSLY to be this rational/liberal when you really like the girl in question, and do not worry about her motives. She's clever, polite, and from a lovely family. (But then he's very discerniing - like me.) She's actually a really good influence on my DS (she makes him revise for his exams!!!)

I might change my tune when I'm faced with a Vicki Pollard. I'll get back to you on that one....

TiggyR, can we start a club where we have healthy happy teens having sex AND WE'RE OKAY WITH IT

i dont think any parent knows until the situation arises how they would deal with it! my two are very clued up on STD's and contraception and stuff [because im v. interested in all that stuff. yes im odd, i know.]

Yes, lets! We should have a separate forum in the relationships or teenagers section, for dealing with precisely this! After all, you'll all be needing it one day. Sorry, but you will.

I will join Tiggys and brits group ..my 17 year old ds has had his girlfriend to sleep over

I'm joining even though the ds are only 13 and nearly 12. I think it's really important that relationships aren't secret or wrong and that sex is a normal healthy and enjoyable part of life.

Tiggy and Brit, I notice that your DCs with the gfs sleeping over are boys, do you have daughters? Just wondered, no assumptions.

No I don't but I wouldn't feel any differently. Can't be sure about DH though...then again, he has a harder time coming around the the arrangement than I did.

Personally I think that it is more important that daughters are safe and in a secure place. If my (hypothetical) 16 year old was shagging I would rather she isn't doing it a party in someone elses bedroom with limited access to contraceptives and the risk of a Jack Tweed/roasting episode.

Me too. But I'd worry less about contraception and unplanned pregnancy with a girl, because ultimately, she has more control/choices than a boy. A boy may think he's having safe sex, (if she's on the pill, or coil, or implant, or injection, that is) but only the girl really knows for sure. And should an accidental pregnancy happen, (whether through genuine BC failure, sloppy adherence to taking the pill, or a silly slip-up on both their parts) the boy really has very little say or sway in where it goes from there. He has no rights at all really. He cannot insist on any course of action, he just has to accept what the girl chooses. If that means being made a father against his will at 16 then tough.

That's why I hope they'll keep using condoms no matter what the girl says she is using - that and STDs of course.