I know i am NBU, please confirm!! DSS and girlfriend

[TrappedinSuburbia]

Dss (16) has brought his girlfriend home for the first time. They are currently watching a dvd in his bedroom (door open).
I say that when ds (5) goes to bed, they need to come downstairs.
AIBU?? (dp disagrees)

[posieparker]

Yes, most people worry more about their daughters, but you're so right Tiggy and I hhave often said similar to friends.

[iamamug]

Glad to see so much sense being written in this thread - very interesting to see that those not burying their hands in the sand (like me and Tiggy) have older teenagers.
Both of my older boys are over the age of consent - the eldest has had a long relationship and his GF was allowed to stay, the younger one tried it on saying "DS1 was allowed girls to stay" but we are not allowing any overnights with him until he is in a proper relationship - I won't tolerate one night stands - not that I don't think it will happen - I just don't want them to think it's ok and certainly not at home with a much younger DS3
To Posie - what on earth is wrong with children having a DVD player in their room?
DS3 has a TV screen only (not connected to channels) so that he can play DVDs and play his PS2.
There are 5 of us is this house and everyone needs their own space and chill time (us included)
FWIW DS3 sometimes puts himself to sleep with teach yourself French cds (is that ok lol)

[TiggyR]

iamamug - are you secretly me? All of the that post applies to me exactly - apart from the bit about the French. He has horrible histories instead!

[posieparker]

I think at tender ages books should be a source of entertainment in bedrooms at bedtime and in later childhood school work and books.

There are six of us in this house and no TVs in bedrooms. We will, eventually, get one for the playroom when the dcs stay up later/have friends over in the evenings for Xbox, but everything has parental guidance in this house.

And there's the notion that children with that sort of thing in their bedroom suffer more with poor sleep, poor imagination and not enough attention.

Plus I have a thing about TVs in bedrooms.

[TiggyR]

Again, Posie, this is very much down to your DCs age, and that you are still in a state of relative idealistic bliss/control! I suspect you may have to loosen up on it in time.

I used to be exactly like you, but there is 7 years between my eldest and my youngest, and I didn't want the three year old to be scared witless by watching endless Lord of the Rings (which my eldest was obsessed with). Likewise I didn't think it was fair that the older two should never be able to watch what interested them because of the little one, so we relented and allowed TV sets in their rooms (but like iamamug) no connection to actual TV reception or SKY. That way they could watch 'scary' DVDs (PG and 12s only) without the little one seeing. My youngest is nearly 11 and I've just had to compromise with my DH on allowing him to start watching some 15 certs, and my 15 year old is just being allowed to see some 18s. I'm very strict/old-fashioned in this regard apparently! The presence of a TV set in itself doesn't mean we are sloppy mothers with no standards! My kids have thousands of books, and always have had.

[TiggyR]

Also, I have criticised people for allowing full TV in children's rooms before, and it has been pointed out to me, quite rightly, that not everyone is lucky enough to have a playroom, or a second sitting room, or any private relaxing space for parents and kids to have some time away from one another, and do their own thing. Ok, so we may have gone too far with this as a society, we are too insular, TV is used as a babysitter too often, and we should perhaps look at more time together but it's easy to be snooty about these things from the lofty position of having a big house. Try living on top of one another and see how you feel then! I was chastised, and rightly so. Taught me a valuable lesson about wearing my judgeypants!

[iamamug]

Mine too Posie - my youngest is 8 and has preferred to listen to stories on cd from a very young age (yes I read to him too but this was his preference)
My older boys do have TVs in their rooms which are connected but there is a very good reason for this - we only have 1 sitting room and myself and DH do like to sit together of an evening chewing the fat and watching a bit of TV.
I didn't allow TV until they were teenagers - it was just films and I always policed their choices.
We do have loads of family time - we always eat together round a table and have proper food!
I could have been guilty of favouring my little one as he was very poorly until he was about 4 and the older boys definitely took second place for a while - I know they understood but i made sure that i didn't make anyone 'creep around' when DS3 went to bed.
That would have caused bad feeling I think - they would always turn the awful music down but other than that - i felt DS3 had to get used to a noisy household.
He has and can sleep through anything.
I understand that people think that TV games etc in rooms mean the family is fractured but frankly thatis just the world we live in.
My mum has a huge house, loads of bedrooms and has only ever had 1 TV in her life! when I lived at home I retreated to my room to listen to my records. It's what kids do and believe me yours will be the same - it won't turn them into delinquents either.
My 16 yo is doing 13 GCSEs and is forecast all A grades - hasn't done him any harm.

[iamamug]

Oh and to Tiggy - my DS3 also loves Horrible Histories - really horrid but obviously very appealing to boys! I have a set that came free with the Times - he loves them.

[posieparker]

Nope this is from personal experience! I had a B&W tv in my room for my Commodore64, and I could be found watching 'Prisoner cellbock H' well into the early hours. And I looooooove TV and so would prefer my dcs not to get used to it in their rooms. We do have a playroom which will evolve into a snug/study.

It's my own faults that I am generously projecting onto my children. Now you lot are being far too nice to disagree with!

[iamamug]

Posie as you have a playroom/study you may be ok - I would die for an extra room downstairs - I am surrounded by boys and I do not have sanctuary anywhere! Even my DH has a study but as he works from home that's out of bounds to me (and horribly messy!)
I sometimes get a bit of peace in our bedroom (I have a TV and Sky in there - oh horrors) but my DH likes my company so moans if I 'hide myself away' - He keeps control of the remote though !!
I have insisted that the Wii stays downstairs as all the family like to play it and I thin it's a fun thing for us all to do together - and I like using the Wii Fit.
Life with children is a series of compromises and you find your way in the end.
Incidentally - I used to love Prisoner Cell Block H - when I first moved into a flat I used to stay up way too late watching it and didn't get told off!!

[TiggyR]

Well my eldest still don't have have connection to an aerial in their rooms, but that's because we have plenty of TVs downstairs, and I want to maintain at least an element of control over what they watch, and when, but having said that, they now spend most of the time glued to their laptops, on FB, or on MSN, illegally downloading stuff, and watching things on iplayer. Can't win!

[iamamug]

lol Tiggy!
We put Net nanny on the PCs but my DS2 said to me the other day "mum - you are bonkers if you think that tennage boys don't look at porn on the internet!" I was so shocked ! Then DH said at their age it was dirty magazines in the park!! I led a sheltered life...........
With the TV they don't have Sky or anything like that and all TV has to be off by a reasonable time - tbf neither of them watch much Tv - like yours it's all about FB and MSN and music. If I had extra room downstairs I def would have held out for much longer with aerial connection.
Little one won't be getting it for a long time yet - fortunately he's still more fond of lego and colouring which he is happy to do downstairs with us.
He's going to be a horrible smeely teenager soon enough so I don't want him going over to the dark side too soon.

[BritFish]

posieparker, i have a DD who is 19 and a DS who is 17. my DD's boyfriend of two years was allowed to sleep in her bed when they both turned 16 [ran it by his mum as well]
her current boyfriend [of one year] sleeps in her bed now when she's home from uni.
my DS has yet to have a girl sleepover because he's never lasted in a relationship longer than about 3 months, daft boy.
my kids are very clued on on contraception etc [im an embarassing mother ] and both sensible. some people's teenagers wouldnt seem mature enough, but i feel at 16, you have to start learning i guess! my DD's flatmate at uni though, her mother is under the impression her longterm boyfriend books into a hotel when he visits her bless.

[TiggyR]

The trouble with the filters and blockers is that they are too sensitive. They can't even look at fairly innocuous stuff, or watch half the music videos on youtube because of explicit lyrics. Then you get tempted to take it off all together, which is no good either - invitation to a pornfest! What they need is an army of real mothers working in a sort of virtual call centre for googling teenagers, so that everytime they put in a web address or search for keywords the women go, Yes, no, no, yes, ABSOLUTELY NOT SUNSHINE, okay, I'll let that one slip trough but don't push your luck...

That would work!

[iamamug]

HAHAHAHA - we could try of course!
Sad thing is they will find a way as my boys gleefully tell me.
I just hope my constant mantra regarding respecting women, condoms, boundaries, drinking etc etc etc gets through.
They have turned into really caring boys and DS2 often looks out for his female school mates who get so trollied sometimes that they don't know what they're doing and he gets them home in one piece!
I wish I had discovered mumsnet earlier - it's a wonderful forum for tossing these thoughts about - Am I right- am I wrong?
We all try and do our best.
I do know that my own mum certainly didn't agonise over it like we do now and we somehow got dragged up ok!!

[TiggyR]

Yes, our generation of mothers seem to have really cornered the market in guilt and obssessing!

[iamamug]

Talking of which - what happened to OP???
have we hounded her off?

[MrsC2010]

Yes, she started the thread determined she was NBU and expected agreement!

[iamamug]

Oh well - lesson learned!

[TiggyR]

I have four members in my new gang. Well iamamug never actually said she was joinging, but I've taken the liberty of assuming. Feeling gung ho now. I might run for President next.

[posieparker]

Okay, [arm pull] I'll join your gang. I like the boundaries of a serious relationship....methinks I can sabotage!!

[TiggyR]

No sly manipulation or insubordination from within Posie, or I'll have my henchmen oust you.

Actually I was concerned that the OP has not returned. Hopefully she's out buying some egg boxes for the walls, some earplugs for the 5 year old, and new DVD player and a packet of condoms for the DSS, but maybe she's smarting over our suggestions that she was being unnecessarily harsh because he was not hers. It's tough/crap being a step-mum. I hope she's not too upset.

See, magnanimous and gracious in victory me, I'd make an excellent President.

[posieparker]

Mmm President of MN, shall we have elections.....I'll be Alistair Campbell, I'm bloody great a shit stirring and I'm occasionally witty.

[posieparker]

imamug....I can still be known to do Lizzie impressions, 'Oh leave it out Bee'!!

HE used to give me roses, I wish he would again, but that was on the outside and things were different then....la la la la.

[TiggyR]

Oh I'm not sure I'd run for President of MN. That job is way too big for me. And too scary. Running for President of the USA or the EU states would be easier. The people are generally less intelligent and easier to control than most of the women on here!