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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

young mum prejudice

228 replies

SweetMuff · 29/05/2010 10:03

hi i am new to this site!!
just wondered if anyone else feels the same about being treated bad because your a young mum? it really gets my goat.
ok im 22 with 3 dc under4. BUT -
they were all planned
they all have the same dad
we own our house
i work and my partner works
we dont claim benefits, except cb, which correct me if im wrong, everyone is entitled to
and last but not least i am a bloody good mum!

so why all the patronising comments and filthy looks????????
my dc are never seen looking dirty, scruffy and are wel behaved and have good manners (apart from the baby obv).

AIBU?

OP posts:
LadyBiscuit · 29/05/2010 14:12

Oh sorry - meant to add that onto the end of my post but got distracted by DC. www.dcsf.gov.uk/everychildmatters/healthandwellbeing/teenagepregnancy/about/strategy/Here

I don't know if they do all 'pull their socks up' and go on to education. No idea what the stats are. Stats don't mean anything as far as individuals go anyway - I'm a lone parent and have never been on benefits in my life. But statistically I'm a drain on the state

IveStillGotIt · 29/05/2010 14:13

This thread has got my memory jogging abit!
A few more things that have happened have sprung to mind!
DS ended up in hospital when he was two, in the middle of the night. He had severe croup and was finding it hard to breath. However, it turned out ok in the end, and hasn't had any other problems since. When we arrived at the hospital though, the nurse was going through a list of Q's i.e full name, address, dob, that sort of thing e.t.c, and she asked me "who's his social worker" not "does he have a social worker" but "who", this realy pissed me off, and when I replied that he doesn't have one,she asked why not, so I asked "well why would he" and she started going on about me being young! I felt like complaining about her attitude, but my sons health was my main concern, so I put that cows comments to the back of my mind and forgot about it.

Another thing I've remembered about, was when DS was 6, he was invited to a b.day party, the mother was one of the 'poshest' mums in the class, however she was the most non-judgemental woman I have met. When I went to collect him, I asked if he had behaved himself, and she said he was the best behaved child there, and I should be proud of having such a polite and well mannored little boy, well I was beaming from ear to ear! The look on the stuck up mothers faces when she said this to me was priceless!!!

posieparker · 29/05/2010 14:21

Eccentrica....I think it was theJospeh Rowntree research, I think.....DH going mad, I'll look properly later!!#

I think I was looking at teen pregnancy and abortion rates, middle class girls are more likely to terminate...that's what prompted the research for me! hth

Hai1988 · 29/05/2010 14:22

sweetmuff, i know exactly how u feel, im 21 with one DS whos 4.8 and i always feel as thought the nursery staff look down there nose at me and the other parents all chat together and im just there chatting to myself
One day i did speak to one of the other mums for about 2 mins outside the gate and happened to mention i was married and we were planning another DC soon and she just looked at me as if i shat on her shoe !

MillyR · 29/05/2010 14:37

Being a young parent or an old parent is just one of those things that some people will judge. But if you're really happy with your choice then the comments some other people make are meaningless really.

I had my first child in my early twenties and I am really happy with that decision, and it has meant that I have been able to build a career after having children and never had to to disrupt my career. My friend has just had her child at 37 and she is very happy with her choice as her career is well established.

I don't think you should worry about other people's attitudes. If you're happy and your children are happy that will be obvious to anyone whose opinion matters.

CrosswordGeekWantsChange · 29/05/2010 14:42

Have just glanced at the first page of this, and it does fucking piss me off. Some of you are so fucking self-righteous.

I'm just about to turn 21, and I use the expression "get's my goat", so apparently that means I have no self respect?!

People judge younger Mums all of the time. One of my friends is 27 and has a 2yo DS, but because she looks young, she does get some awful looks, the same as a friend who is 21 with 2 DCs. I've found that because of the fact that I look about 25+, I don't get the same attitude.

Nellykats · 29/05/2010 15:24

CrosswordGeekWantsChange

congratulations on looking 25+, now work a bit on your language perhaps

HurleySatOnMe · 29/05/2010 15:35

25+? You want to stay out of the sun you know.
I do find all this funny. I had my first when I was 20. My second I had after I graduated, at 24. Neither time have I been on the recieving end of any kind of looks. But honestly SweetMuff, two points:
Your partner works in the legal profesion? And you had your first when you were 17 and it was planned? Why were your aspirations so low, and why was he willing to risk prosecution by a few short months?
And 2. After 4 children in 5 years, your muff is going to be anything but

Nellykats · 29/05/2010 15:36

HurleySatOnMe

Nellykats · 29/05/2010 15:37

Personally, I look 90+ and people treat me very well, thanks

BloomingFlowers · 29/05/2010 15:39

OP.
It's not your age that concerns/bothers me.

It's the Rotweiller aggression.

spookycharlotte121 · 29/05/2010 15:41

Why do people on this thread feel the need to be so rude to one another.

Why do people think they have the right to critocise others on their punctuation and spelling because IMO its pathetic!

whether the op is a troll or not doesnt matter she is making a valid point which many other people have experianced.

I object to people spewing "statistics" which make out my children are going to be junkies or depressed when they are older based on my age of having them... donnt you think that if we stick these awful lables on people then they feel worthless and have very little to strive for.

I am a young mum, on my own and yes I claim benefits but that deosnt make me scum. I get so sick and tired of having to justify my life and choices to people and whilst I'll admit getting pregnant at 18 and again at 19 wasnt the most sensible thing I have ever done its the best thing that ever happened to me. Try being told you should have got rid and see if your blood doesnt boil. I try to rise above it but its very difficult when someones telling you your kids shouldnt be here.

Nellykats · 29/05/2010 15:49

spookycharlotte121

you sound like a very sensible woman to me

spookycharlotte121 · 29/05/2010 15:56

Im very sensible most of the time!

BessieBoots · 29/05/2010 15:59
paisleyleaf · 29/05/2010 16:00

"judgemental comments regarding my name"

like your nickname is something that's been inflicted on you and not something you've chosen.

IveStillGotIt · 29/05/2010 16:02

HurleySatOnMe- the op's DP was not risking prosecution by her having their first DC at 17, the age of consent is 16. Even if their DC had been born on her 17th birthday, she would still have been 16 at conception, which is legal in this country. (Im not picking a fight btw, im just pointing out that everything was legal re. the op's situation!)

PatsyStone · 29/05/2010 16:28

This whole thread is embarrassing.

I have been on the recieving end of people's ill-judged comments and I object to the notion that it must be down to my attitude. I am still much the same personality I was at 18, and the difference in the way health professionals and other parents have responded to me having ds aged 18 and dd at 27 has been immense.

Spookycharlotte, good post. Hysterical as this sounds, I do sometimes wonder if people would rather I had aborted or given up my handsome, clever, immensely kind natured ds up for adoption, since obviously there's no hope for him.

There are threads on here where older mothers quite rightly express their annoyance at being judged, so why can't those of us on the other side of the coin vent a little too?

pagwatch · 29/05/2010 16:31

The whole thread is embaressing? Really?

PatsyStone · 29/05/2010 16:37

Just some of the vitriol. I don't think SweetMuff has done herself any favours, but then you get comments like Hurley's last one.

TheButterflyParty · 29/05/2010 16:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pagwatch · 29/05/2010 16:46

yeah but Patsy, that again is seeing only the bad stuff. SweetMuff has had lots of supporting posts and lots of sensible replies.

EccentricaGallumbits · 29/05/2010 16:52

It is a society/cultural issue

If you were an ultraorthodox jew living in jerusalem it would be perfectly acceptable for you to be married and starting your family at 15 or 16.

also a self esteem thang. those with higher self regard are less affected by negative judgements of society.

Dear lord I come here for a break from this stuff

ApocalypseCheese · 29/05/2010 17:07

I've seen worse names than 'sweetmuff' on here tbh.

Op, yanbu with the point you made.

However, yabu with your bad attitude.

PatsyStone · 29/05/2010 17:12

Sorry, but the helpful posts are amidst a sea of troll calling and piss taking of her name and language.

I agree it's a self esteem thing to a large extent, someone more robust might just take it on the chin, but it is not the whole story. I definitely suffered from low self esteem when I was younger, but it was in part down to others making it clear that I had failed monumentally and that I was pretty much the lowest of the low. I will maintain that people did pass comment, whether it was the woman at the family planning centre, the customer at the pub or people at work. I did not imagine it.

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