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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

young mum prejudice

228 replies

SweetMuff · 29/05/2010 10:03

hi i am new to this site!!
just wondered if anyone else feels the same about being treated bad because your a young mum? it really gets my goat.
ok im 22 with 3 dc under4. BUT -
they were all planned
they all have the same dad
we own our house
i work and my partner works
we dont claim benefits, except cb, which correct me if im wrong, everyone is entitled to
and last but not least i am a bloody good mum!

so why all the patronising comments and filthy looks????????
my dc are never seen looking dirty, scruffy and are wel behaved and have good manners (apart from the baby obv).

AIBU?

OP posts:

CheekyPinkSox · 29/05/2010 10:46

Duelingfanjo doesnt have the attitude of a 16 yr old been asked to go over her GCSE revision notes. If you dont want people to tar you with the young mum brush then stop acting like one.

Sweetmuff - Hmmm not a great name is it?!

Rollmops · 29/05/2010 10:48

Aha, the trollets are back...........
Please do try harder this time.

CrankyTwanky · 29/05/2010 10:56

WTF is wrong with Sweetmuff?

OP, as you are new you are not to know that you are not allowed to answer back for the first 200000 posts.

I had my first at 21 and people thought I was the nanny.

The only thing you can do is prove them wrong, which it sounds like you are doing.

Lauriefairycake · 29/05/2010 10:58

oh look, it's half-term

Goldenbear · 29/05/2010 11:00

I think you have a point. I don't know if it's as extreme as a 'filthy' look but people do look, I think in a sense of curiosity, especially if you do seem to have it all sorted, I.e. the children with good manners, the house, the double income. I think if I see this display with a 22 tear old I would wonder how you achieved this so quickly. Depending where you live it is so hard to attain this sense of security by your late 20's let alone in your early 20's.

My DP's cousin had her 1st baby at 24, not particularly young but I still thought it was an odd choice to make but that's only because I was comparing my '24' year old self with her and I just would not have been capable of looking after someone else at that age. She in fact was very capable and despite her families hesitations is a great mum. However, she was able finacially to choose that route as her partner is a successful band musician.

However, I was at a party on Sunday where a lot of couples where 50 plus with an only child of 9, 10 and 12, I was equally curious about this scenario and before anyway slates me I'm just being honest. I think any extreme will always attract attention but it's not necessarily in a negative way.

PatsyStone · 29/05/2010 11:01

Firstly in answer to your question, yanbu. I was a young mum and I remember being asked if I knew who my ds' father was , and people could never get their heads aroung the fact that we had a mortgage and all we were eligible for back then (and now) was child benefit. We've worked our nuts off over the last 11 years, and we are married, still strong as a rock and have lovely, intelligent, well behaved dc.

Also I remember little things like the woman who lived behind us would say often say hello to me, but would pretend not to know me at the baby clinic. Being constantly followed around the supermarket by security guards was another one. So yes, I would say you are probably not imagining things. But it will go away, no bats an eyelid at me now.

I agree with DuelingFanjo, be clever about it, because people are always expecting you to fulfill their stereotype. Getting this het up only makes you look and feel bad at the end of the day.

SirBoobAlot · 29/05/2010 11:14

Firstly, YANBU - I'm 19, DS wasn't planned, but I hope I am doing what is best for him, I love him, and I wouldn't change him for the world. I'm also sick of being judged and undervalued as a mother because of my age.

But coming on here and responded the way you have done to some of the posts is not going to help with your plight of destroyed this image. Quite on the contrary.

ScreaminEagle · 29/05/2010 11:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pagwatch · 29/05/2010 11:20

The thing is that most people don't really care how old other mothers are. Perhaps some of the negativity you are experiencing is because you seem very defensive and very aggressive.
I am an older mum this time around. I never have had any neagtaive reaction because I am very comfortable with myself.

Try greeting life with an better , more accepting attitude and you may find people stop givingyou negativity back. It is hard when you arefeeling defensive but, for the sake of your childrens experience of their mother, it is worth doing

AmazingBouncingFerret · 29/05/2010 11:21

Im 26 I look alot younger and have 2 children.
Ive never had a problem with looks, comments etc.
Have you maybe considered that the comments are in response to a bad attitude? Defence/offense type thing.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 29/05/2010 11:23

heh xpost Pag. You put it better than me though so im gonna stomp off in a huff.

pagwatch · 29/05/2010 11:25

Bouncing..
Are you really only 26?
You always sound immensely sensible and grown up. Well done!

EnvelopeDuvet · 29/05/2010 11:25

I am 23 (oh shite, was 24 the other day so scratch that) with 2 - 4 & 20m, and another due in 3 weeks. I have owned my own home for four years, H works full time, we have 2 (well 3) cars, blah blah. Not sterotypical young mum BUT I may find myself a single mum on benefits soon, but I am still obviously the same person. If someone wants to not give me a filthy look just because I have my own car and home they can F off TBH, if that's how they measure someones worth. No one shou;dn't judge you because you have all of what you have, the same as they shouldn't if you didn't.

BessieBoots · 29/05/2010 11:27

Bloody hell, leave the OP alone! She raises a genuine point, and though I wouldn't use her username, I'm not going to have a go at her about it.

Sorry you're having such a crappy reception, OP.

This happens to me a lot. I do not have a bad attitude (get that, Ferret?)- I am a very jolly, smiley sort. People seem to think that I am a crap mum for being young...

BessieBoots · 29/05/2010 11:28

"No self-respecting 22 year old would use the expression 'gets my goat'."

Ladybiscuit, you have just proved OP's point...

Original poster

SweetMuff · 29/05/2010 11:29

i dont have a bad attitude, just was rather shocked to have posted on here about an issue that is upsetting me, to be greeted with judgemental comments regarding my name.

if you don't mind me asking what is a troll??

i have achieved being where i am today by working damn hard alongside my partner who iis in the legal industry, often working long hours 7 days a week to provide for us.

i am proud of where we are today, proud that my children can enkoy a good quality of life and yet people still judge me. maybe if i was seen drinking down the park they would think better of me?

OP posts:

AmazingBouncingFerret · 29/05/2010 11:31

Thank you Pag. I do still have my moments though!

posieparker · 29/05/2010 11:32

People get judged for all kinds of things, being too old, being too young, not having enough money, spoiling children with material things........it's just life.

Original poster

SweetMuff · 29/05/2010 11:32

thankyou bessieboots!
i did not post this to cause an argument regarding names, i just wondered if other people have experienced the same prejudice that i have.

OP posts:

AmazingBouncingFerret · 29/05/2010 11:33

bessieboots I was giving the OP genuine advice, the fact the you interpreted it in such a way makes me think my point is as valid as ever tbh...

gingernutlover · 29/05/2010 11:33

"ginger it happens all the time. will be chatting with mums in playground when they will be talking about food etc, and i will get the 'oh can you cook?' comment.
filthy looks when i first had my dd i was 17 and people would go out of their way to give me filthy looks and the midwife even said to me 'i am guessing she was a mistake, how are you coping?'"

then YANBU

but some people are small minded idiots - best to ignore them, if it wasnt that you were young then it would be something else.

I live in a so called "posh" area and I am most definatly not posh, I am not a yummy mummy and my clothes come from primark and QS, I dress for comfort not for what other people think, my husband is a builder - when people find that out they seem to assume that I am stupid - I have had the most ridiculous things said to me by HV's, people at baby groups etc etc.

One aquaintance stopped me in boots the other day to give me a lecture on my dd starting school in sept and spoke to me like I was something she'd trod on when I said I was starting to teach dd how to read (like she knew how to do it and I couldnt possibly, for all the reasons above)

Oh, the look on her face when she asked what I do as a job ...... I teach 4-5 year olds (to read amongst other things) she said "oh! I wouldnt have had you down as a teacher!" PMSL

Just rememeber that you are good at what you are doing, doesn't matter a jot what anyone else thinks!

BessieBoots · 29/05/2010 11:33

Can't believe you put your first post in AIBU- Brave, brave woman

pagwatch · 29/05/2010 11:35

Sorry Bessie , but have to laugh at

I do not have a bad attitude (get that ferret?)

Why demonstrate how calm and affable you are by beingaggressive?

The possibilitythat we are defensive and contribute to the negativity we then experience in life is true of many many scenarios beyond young mums.
It is not unreasonable it may be contributing to OPs life experince.

As it happens I was in Richmond yesterday and there was a beautiful young girl with, I assume, her two children. They were all laughing and made a really pretty scene. DD and I were eating ice creams and DD loves little kids so I pointed them out in smiley 'look at those beautiful girls' way.
Mum turned and glared at me and mouthed fuck off.

Sometimes we create what we fear.

I used to be a bit like that when I was out with DS2 because of his SN. I worked on it. Now I give people the benefit of the doubt and it makes life easier.

But if you want to prove that you are a good mum and a nice person the best way is to actually just be it

posieparker · 29/05/2010 11:36

Actually I had two children before I was thirty and looked very young...the last two have killed that! And I never got filthy looks.

BessieBoots · 29/05/2010 11:36

OK, Ferret, sorry if I misinterpreted your post. I have experienced this, and think it's a valid point the OP raises. It's a bit jarring to hear that, people's negativity towards young mums are as a result of a bad attitude, it makes me very sad.

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