to think that being an escort is a valid career choice?

[whatkatydidathome]

I have a friend who is 19, unqualified and attractive. She was a lap dancer but is now considering escort work. She has tried it a few times and appears able to earn £200 an hour working for what appears to be a reputable (well as reputable as you can get I suppose!) agency in London. I have been thinking about how I feel about this (and discussing it with dh) and can see why she is doing it and I sort of think that I do think that it is a valid career choice (as long as she sticks with the agency who provide back up etc).

How do I "move her in with me"? Do I tie her up in a room somewhere?
And am not sure why the fact that lap dancing at 17 may be illegal (I'm not sure that it is anyway) fits into anything. The clubs are not usually that fussy and the police will not act.

It sounds like you've woken up this morning with a change of mind about it being a "valid career choice", into something you "cannot stop her doing" and something that you "need to come to terms with".

Not really a change of mind - I think that some people are getting a bit precious about my use of the word "career" (which actually means "path through part of life"). So by "valid career choice" I meant "justifiable way to get through [part of] one's life". I think that it probably is, as long as it is done in as safe a way as possible. My points about not being able to stop her were in response to all the "why aren't you doing something about this" posts which seemed to be attacking me for somethign which was not my "fault" or necessarily anyone's "fault" as I do think that this girl has weighed up the pros and cons and make her decision.

Posie: the point is that this girl doesn't want to stop escorting, at least at present. And, at present, I can see why she doesn't want to stop: while she is young and pretty and working the z-list sleb party circuit, it probably does seem like fairly easy money and an exciting time, the men are probably neither repulsive nor freakishly demanding. The risks really lie in her not moving on quickly enough, developing a coke habit, not realising that the partying is taking its toll on her looks etc.
I do know a girl who was escorting at a too-young age for an abusive partner, got away from the abusive partner, came off drugs, then went back into escorting as a short term thing to fund her studies. Now she has graduated, loan free, is working in her new career and very happy. It doesn't have to be all doom and gloom but you have to tread carefully and have a goal in mind.

katy I think people didn't believe it's real because of your reaction, not because of what she is doing.

Most people wouldn't be posting about whether this was a valid career choice or not, most people would be desperate for help in dissuading this girl from the choice she is making. That is what seemed so wrong. It came across earlier in the thread that you were taking some [tiny] part in pimping her out because you were not completely against it.

I just can't imagine how a mum could take any position other than to say 'whatever you do, don't do this.'

And I think wfs spoke a lot of sense - educate her about what happens to escorts/prostitutes ten years down the line, about drugs, about how society will view her. From your more recent posts it does seem like you are trying to help her by showing her alternatives and ultimately if she won't listen, she won't listen. It's very sad. I think there are a lot of young girls who must feel like her - the wags, the lapdancers; they all seem so glamorous. But I doubt very few of them are happy.

An alternative view is that by not completely disapproving of her I am at least giving her someone that she could talk to about it and at least I am being someone who maybe is not judging her about it. She has made this choice - maybe it is therefore better to accpet it - from what I can see she will have enough disapproval to deal with as it is without my adding to it and actually as long as it is between consenting adults I do not have a problem with escorting. (And I am not using the term as a euphemism but as a way of distinguishing between work on the streets with no back up and work for agencies who do provide back up and who attempt to make the job as safe as possible).

Katy: you're absolutely right that silly judgementalism would be totally unhelpful. It's fine to be concerned about the risks and to be utterly opposed to the coercive end of the trade (trafficking etc) - but there is nothing inherently wrong in exchanging sex for money, any more than it's wrong to take money for any other kind of service.

SGB, that's a very narrow opinion. For most people there is something inherently wrong about selling sex for money.

OP perhaps the only thing you can do is encourage her to text you addresses that she goes to and keep her safe, perhaps booking in at the same hotel, always having a record of her movements....how she has contact with clients. I suppose she's getting paid for something alot of girls her age do for free.

Posieparker: Just because most people think something, doesn't make them right. The majority opinion is often formed out of a mix of ignorance and superstition. Most human relationships are a transaction of some kind as it is: sometimes a straightforward exchange of cash for services is better than a vague and non-negotiated bargain where neither party is sure what s/he is getting - or giving.

I know you have a well rehearsed argument and one that makes perfect sense, but I still find it distasteful.

Posieparker: Well, that's up to you of course.

I agree with SGB.

people get paid to be surrogate mothers dont they? id argue that the physical and psychological effect on selling your body to grow someone's child [which is of course a wonderful, amazing thing to do] could be far stronger than selling your body for sex.

I have seen a fair few marriages that are not much different to selling sex for money

Isn't it against the law to be paid for surrogacy (other than "expenses"...) ?

There is a reason for that...in that it is morally wrong to sell your body...like it would be wrong to sell a kidney (although I know that happens in some parts of the world)

It doesn't make it right, though, just because it happens somewhere

of course it doesnt, but it would be better if there was more honesty that this goes on. people are paid for sperm donations arent thy...

I've come to this thread late, but fwiw, I'm afraid I don't agree that sex work is a 'valid career choice'.

I think that for a young, spoilt girl who doesn't want to have to work hard, it is going to come as a real shock that, at the end of night, after the 'glamourous parties' and being (perhaps) treated like a lady, she will be obliged to have sexual intercourse, inw ays she perhaps doesn;t find pleasurable, with men she doesn't find attractive.

Of course, you can spout all the 'my agency looks after me, I don't do anything I don't want to do' stuff, but at 3am when it is you and a man on your own in a room, who has the upper hand? Rarely the woman. Not even with those men who want to be dominated. They are still usually in control. Of course they are. They are paying for it.

I think there is HUGE naivety about the sex industry in general among most people. It is a seedy old world. I would be extremely worried and upset if my daughter - or any young woman I knew - wanted to work as an escort. Why waste your youth on this sort of thing when you could be travelling, studying, building a career, building a future and mixing with other young, vibrant people?

smallwhitecat said it better than I

Coming on this very sad thread there is not much mroe I can add that has not already been said bu Dittany, Anyfucker et al.

OP I think the reason people find your position distasteful is that you have a strangely rehearsed argument, and don't seem to have any emotinal involvement in the plight of this girl. Rather you are using this as a way to give your views on teh fact that the girl doesn't want to work, and veer off into political and social arguments. This is not normal. MOST people in your position would be racking your brains to try and prevent this, not going on a forum to discuss the theories of prostitution with a bunch of strangers.

I find your viewpoint and the ways in which you pose your arguments rather sad and NOt what I would expect of a grown woman. i would place money on you being a 19 year old doing a Philosophy & ERthics module.

Sambucca - she is well aware of what she is doing and expected to do and also the men are well aware of waht she is not prepared to do.
GetOrf - I don't really know her (the girl) well enough to have a strong emotional involvement - she appears happy. I have tried to prevent her doing this but at the end of the day, 19 or not, she is now an adult and at some point you do need to stand back and let someone make their own decisions and maybe even try to accept that they may make different choices to you.
I do wonder how many of the above posts would apply had we been discussing a young man who had decided that he was homosexual back in the 50s. I amnot trying to say that being gay is the same as selling sex before you all leap on me ; just that the views of society about people who were gay back in the 50s were similar and many gay men became suicidal, committed suicide etc and this was used as "proof" that being actively gay was emotionally damaging. However we now know that it was the reaction of society to gay men that caused the emotional damage. Maybe if we were more accepting of prostitution, and maybe if we tried to make it safe; then people who did choose to do this would have better time of it.

You are both very naive, is all I can say@whatkatydidathome.

She is so very young and she is going to see the absolute worst of men and sex at this young age. She may well end up a very cynical, hard-faced person. Trust me.

Your 'homosexual' comparison is totally ridiculous. My distaste and discomfort with a young woman becoming a prositute (let's stop this ;escort' nonsense, shall we?) has mothing to do with snobbery, prejudice etc.

I simply know what the sex industry is like, and feel very sorry for any young girl going into it with some sort of unrealistic notion of being 'completely in control' of her 'career choice'.

I'm not sure why you refer to my differenciating between working alone on the streets, where no one knows who you are with or where you are, and where the clients will make assumptions about what you are prepared to do wrt activities and condoms; and working for an agency where someone does know exactly where you are, who you are with and how long you will be, and where someone is expecting you to call in when finished, and where exactly what you will do and how you will do it is up front and crystal clear; is "nonsense". Can you not see that the two are different? Yes they both involve selling sex which many find distasteful but surely one is far preferable to the other? It is the fact that people lump it all in together which prevents women (and men) who choose this route from being protected in any way.

No - they are not really hugely different.

'Escorting' provides some physical protection for the woman, yes (which if course is a good thing) but it really doesn't provide any emotional protection.

On a moral note - if you want to make a moral issue out of it - it is exactly the same thing.

You know, for many years I worked with prostitutes. I never 'judged the girls. i wouldn't judge your young friend 9she is so young, and youngsters so often make rash and terrible decisions).

But it sounds as if she is severely misguided and ill informed about the nature of this sort of work, and I pity her if her 'friends' are people like you - painting some picture of a perfectly valid alternative to studying, building a career, travelling etc - or all the truly beneficial, exciting things she could be doing with her life.

'emotional protection'
SambuccaKelly, id just like to point out here that there are hundreds of jobs that open you up emotionally and can cause emotional damage.
for some people, taking the emotion out of sex, or enjoying being dominated by the idea of money, is an easy prospect! even 'normal' people with no deep resounding sexual/self esteem ishoos.