to not want a male worker to take my daughter to the toilet?

[DebiDean]

Hi there,

My daughter wet herself in the nursery toilets yesterday, when I asked her about it at dinner she mentioned that it was a male worker who took her to the toilet. I spoke to a few friends about it who had different opinions about whether it was right or wrong (opinion was a 50/50 split!) and I decided that as I wasn't comfortable with the idea that I would contact the nursery and explain that I would rather a female worker take her to the toilet.

I was very clear with the nursery that I was supportive of having male role models within the nursery however I felt that to maintain my daughters dignity it would be more appropriate for a female worker to take her to the toilet.

I had a rather rude reply accusing me of being discriminative and that they would refuse to discriminate against him.

I was so shocked as I do support men working with children, but felt there should be limitations within that, or the nursery should at least consider my wishes (especially as it costs me £45 a day!!!).

Whats the opinion? Any ideas of what I could/should do?

am still waiting to find out how a carer of the opposit sex compromises teh dignity of a 4 year old child

Sorry am I the only parent who taught their child not to wet themselves and to wear protective clothing to prevent spills and stains? The fact is her wetting herself was completely out of character (first time in about a year).

The foundation unit where I work also has a male gay teacher and he is also amazing, I would be lucky if my daughter was taught by him!

AGAIN people, my concern is not that he would abuse my child.

I would rather my daughter knew modesty now rather than be 100% happy flashing her tuppence when she hits an age when boys and girls are becoming sexually explorative.

So if you had a gran who was assisted by a male carer, when a female carer was available would that not be removing your grans dignity? why is my child not allowed to have dignity??

I have had gynae and obstetric care from males and females. no discernible difference in care/dignity
if anything, male doctor far more aware of ensuring my dignity was maintained at all times.

I have had a few initmate examinations by male Drs and have no problems with it, they treated me with dignity and professionalism and its all that mattered.

maryz - please READ my posts, I have accepted that the majority of my concern is that he is a STRANGER rather than he is MALE

So do you think the female carers shouldn't take boys to the toilet?

a child who is confident and flashes her tuppance is far more likely to be safe in any situation than a child who is feeling uncomfortable, wary and the beginings of shame.
Speaking as a victim of abuse and knowing a bit about it...

you say you decidedto contact the nursery about this and the reply you received was rude.

Did you email them, phone? I think possibly the tone you used may have had something to do with the response you got and it seems you were expecting them to comply with your request but did not attempt to outline your problem really and discuss it with them.

I would suggest if she is to stay there as you say, that you attempt to do this. In her first nursery dd had a male worker who was just lovely, they got on like a house on fire and it never crossed my mind to wonder whether he took her to the loo. Presumably he did. However you mention not in the OP but later that he is not a carer in her group. Perhaps that is the point that needed to be raised with the nursery?

I would not have liked a man my dd did not know to have accompanied her to the toilet. However if they are in the same nursery, are you sure she does not know him well enough?

Debi I appreciate your daughter will know the teacher but not intimatly like a key worker. She prob knows this male worker but not as intimatly as the key worker.

I'm kindly suggesting that if the problem is her not knowing staff as well as she knows the family frinds who are key workers she could fing peeing in school difficult.

Therefore something needs to be done to help her.

Gichin, it really isn't at all unusual to find people who are not concerned at all about whether a man or a woman cares for them, including intimate care, and it's hardly reasonable of you to suggest that another poster is a liar, nor is it reasonable to suggest that anyone not sharing your opinions is a "weirdo".

she's not 'flashing her tuppence' in a sexual way at age 4

she's having a pee

and the caregiver was most likely outside the door

you are projecting a sexuality on to her that is not there
so this kind of makes a mockery of your protestations that this is not about abuse

as i said earlier, another woman was arrested at the weekend for sex offences.. why are you not bothered a bout women taking her to the loo?

and i have a 4 year old DD and i've had a boy too

Gichin, how can you possibly know how isthatporridge feels about male/female carers?

FWIW, I have had intimate examinations by both male and female HCPs and I couldn't give a flying f**k who does it, as long as they're competent.

sorry, i misunderstood

i don't think however, that having a male carer assist her in the toilet at 4 will make her sexually promiscous or make her flash her bits in later life

i would be more concerned she is at 4, so afraid of men/strangers she wet herself

My dd is older now than yours but when she was 4 I don't think she would have been concerned about a male accompanying her to the loo.

She would mostly have been in one heck of a rush as I recall

That not wanting boys/males generally to be around when she changed started when she was 7

posieparker - would you really expect only your child's keyworker to provide personal care? How would that be practical - what if the keyworker was on lunch, or holiday, or in a meeting?

In a nursery care of the children is shared amongst staff - it has to be to cover staff absences. Sometimes that means a child might be fed or changed by someone they are less familiar with.

Gichin

Absolutely not - and I say that having received plenty of gynae exams from males. I have had care from male doctors, a male midwife, male consultants and male surgeons

My mum works at a pre-school, and if it is anything like theirs, they have a rota system. They take it on turns on different days as to who does what - just to avoid confusion.

If it is, like you have just said, the fact he is a stranger - then surely they are all relative strangers? Did you not have a settling in session?

I think YABU. All of the carers need to be able to do everything or it would not function correctly as a business or as an environment. If you really have that much of an issue, look into moving.