to not want a male worker to take my daughter to the toilet?

[DebiDean]

Hi there,

My daughter wet herself in the nursery toilets yesterday, when I asked her about it at dinner she mentioned that it was a male worker who took her to the toilet. I spoke to a few friends about it who had different opinions about whether it was right or wrong (opinion was a 50/50 split!) and I decided that as I wasn't comfortable with the idea that I would contact the nursery and explain that I would rather a female worker take her to the toilet.

I was very clear with the nursery that I was supportive of having male role models within the nursery however I felt that to maintain my daughters dignity it would be more appropriate for a female worker to take her to the toilet.

I had a rather rude reply accusing me of being discriminative and that they would refuse to discriminate against him.

I was so shocked as I do support men working with children, but felt there should be limitations within that, or the nursery should at least consider my wishes (especially as it costs me £45 a day!!!).

Whats the opinion? Any ideas of what I could/should do?

britfish... i catagorically said from the start that my concern was not about abuse

Thinking more about this I think for me, it may stem from the fact that I shared a student house with a friend of mine training to be a doctor. We asked him the one day how he felt if/when doing a physical exam, vagina or chest on a woman he found attractive. He said he really enjoyed it

Think I've been a bit grossed out ever since.

He works as a pathologist now, I keep thinking about him alone, at night with his female 'patients' who can't say no....

DebiDean, your OP does not make that clear.

Debi, you have said several times that you think the reaction on here has been narrow-minded.

you are the one objecting to a male nursery worker! Pretty much everyone else has said you are being unreasonable. How exactly does that make us that narrow-minded ones??

I'm genuinely baffled.

DD...you seem to be trying to tell us your concern was not about abuse

it quite patently was...because there is no other reasonable explanation for it...as the responses to your thread show quite categorically

Right no one is interested in my freaky doctor friend so I'm going to have a bath.

Debi, you are the narrow minded one.

how did you put the question to the parents who gave a 50/50 response??

1. Do you think a male should take our children to the loo?

yes 50% No 50%

OR

2. do you think our keyworkers should take our dc's to the loo??

Yes 50% no 50%

??????????????

If its 1 why are you shocked that you get the same responce here???

DeFluffy but you are an adult. We are talking about a child!

GerbilMeasles - I usually have an enthusiastic audience too. Dignity went out of the window here years ago

Yes OP you are being sexist unreasonable.

OP - Read your original post again. You clearly object to a male taking your daughter to the toilet. And that is Unreasonable.
Now Im really hiding the thread.

Debi: I am not sexualising my child, why is it hard to comprahend that she is entitled to the same dignity you or I would expect.

But what is the dignity that you are preserving, if not the dignity of your sexuality? Most of us don't want strangers seeing our sexual organs without good reason because they are sexual organs. What other aspects of dignity are involved here?

DeFluffy: I understand why your Gran might hold the views she does, and for sure she's not alone. But I do hope that as a society as a whole, we might get just a tiny bit less overwrought about nudity and sexuality and that this attitude might fade away over time. It's certainly a new thing I re-read "Tom Sawyer" the other day set in the Bible belt in Victorian times -- and there's a scene where the 10yo boys run around naked without it being even vaguely an issue.

Finally, I'm bemused by the comments about children aged four being asexual. Of course, kids don't have any sort of adult sexuality. But I thought it was widely understood and confirmed from everyday experience that kids are supremely sensual beings who revel in physicality -- including inordinate amounts of genital holding from very early age. Indeed, re dignity, one of the taboos most of us instill in our children is that it is not acceptable to get your willy out and fondle it in public!

DeFluffy - if you seriously felt your friend was being honest and meant itthen you should have reported him. I suspect he was making light of it as a joke, but who knows. Only you were there, not us - but if you think he was deadly serious you should really have followed it up as it is pretty serious stuff.

I have had tp have a fair bit of gynae stuff in the past few years since DD was born. If I had insisted on a female then I would still be in extreme pain each month and would still have my uterus adheded together - as far I know no specialist consultants who are female in that line.

I'm a male nursery nurse by the way. I've had that attitude expressed before about me. It's not something I've ever really been bothered by and I doubt the man and other staff at the nursery will care much about Debi's opinions either. Everybody in the nursery will have such a low opinion of her that people will pretty much ignore her. If I were her I would consider getting somebody else to drop off DD to save her the embarrassment of showing her face there again.

In reply to an earlier post, I think men are more put off by the lack of money in the profession and what their mates will say rather than worries about accusations.

Nurseries and infant schools badly need male staff-unfortunately I can see why they can't recruit. Women regularly take DD to the toilet-why is it different? I don't think that young DCs find it undignified-they wouldn't realise anyone thought it a problem unless the idea was put into their head.

OMG, this is getting ridiculous.

OP, YABU and sexist.

And to those of you who have said that you want female carers for your children/elderly relatives, can you imagine the NHS trying to sort out "gender compatible" Drs/nurses/carers for every patient in the country??? Ludicrous! And of course male obstetricians should be banned (alhtough this is something I said when in labour -their fists are much bigger that those of their female ones, ouch)

OP, congratulations, 11 pages!!!! If you're for real get a grip

Go tiggy. Well done. my ds after school club has 2 males. One now works in playgroup and is fantastic. I would allow him to care for any DC of mine regardless of age sex etc as he treats all dcs with dignity - which equates to with respect.

Debi but you still dont say if you would have an issue with a female stranger....

"flashing her tuppence"

This us the funniest thing I have heard in ages

And naturally it's absolutely dignified for a male child/elderly person to be changed by a female, but not the other way round??? WTF???

So where did your dd develop the idea that she shouldn't go to the toilet/be naked in front of a man?

Four year olds don't develop this sense of modesty by themselves - it is a learned response.

I think it's more worrying that a child wet herself because she was so afraid/embarrassed to go to the toilet with a male present than the fact there was a male present.

How do you think she is going to cope when she has to get changed for PE in front of all the boys in her class?

I'm back - what did I miss???

"Ds insists on trying to pass me loo roll whilst gabbling on about "Mummy weeing, Mummy wipes" such dignity here"

lucky you - DS3 tries to wipe my arse for me.......and when I refuse to let him instead peers intently at the toilet roll and proclaims "EWWWWWWWWWWW there's POO on it mum" as I use it

TMT tocca

however...is you DS my DS????