to not want a male worker to take my daughter to the toilet?

[DebiDean]

Hi there,

My daughter wet herself in the nursery toilets yesterday, when I asked her about it at dinner she mentioned that it was a male worker who took her to the toilet. I spoke to a few friends about it who had different opinions about whether it was right or wrong (opinion was a 50/50 split!) and I decided that as I wasn't comfortable with the idea that I would contact the nursery and explain that I would rather a female worker take her to the toilet.

I was very clear with the nursery that I was supportive of having male role models within the nursery however I felt that to maintain my daughters dignity it would be more appropriate for a female worker to take her to the toilet.

I had a rather rude reply accusing me of being discriminative and that they would refuse to discriminate against him.

I was so shocked as I do support men working with children, but felt there should be limitations within that, or the nursery should at least consider my wishes (especially as it costs me £45 a day!!!).

Whats the opinion? Any ideas of what I could/should do?

The nursery I work in doesn't have cubicles/doors in the pre-school toilets - before lunch I take a group of children, boys and girls, in there to use the loo and wash their hands. And I supervise! Sometimes there's a male worker in there from another room changing a nappy at the same time. I don't feel anyone's dignity is compromised.

"If I was that overly paranoid I would be a stay at home mom."

erm... what?

Well now that's interesting - not only is this Debidean's first day posting with us but it's Gichin's first foray too.

I suppose I would rather a male worker change my son, but the arrangements I make for him will be different to my daughters as he is an individual, he will be cared for by my parents as they will have retired.

I am concerned that my daughter wet herself out of character.

I am not sexualising my child, why is it hard to comprahend that she is entitled to the same dignity you or I would expect.

ifancyashandy - I did say that I consider 90% of my concern is the fact it was a stranger and that I misdirected this to his gender, however part of me does think that gender plays some part.

Debi - not sure if you saw my question@: how will you feel when your DS is at nursery when a female member of staff takes him to the loo?

so how old is this little girl? 4 1/2 around about?

She can deal with the clothing side of things without help? If so, she can say she can manage alone but she'll call if she needs help. She can swing the door closed even if it has no lock.

Sorry haven't read whole thread, but YAB soooooooooo U.
And btw, toddlers/pre-schoolers have very little dignity anyway. Which is a GOOD thing. Unlike adults, they are not saddled with pre-conceptions, funny ideas, judgy thoughts, thank god.

Sorry, x post just then.

I think the whole sexuality thing has now ome about due to your comments about a 4 yos dignity is somehow linked to flashing her private bits later in life.

snort at starting together...

quite, mumbar

i would really like to understand the dignity thing

which implies that a 4 year old weeing needs protection and privacy. weeing is a natural bodily function , and a male carer taking her will not prematurely sexualise her or make her think she can flash her bits to all and sundry

i am really struggling to understand, as the mother of a girl,how a male care worker, who is most likely outside the loo cubicle is compromising anyhting?

God havent caught up with ALL of this but just to say I cant understand why OP didnt write a post about a stranger taking her daughter to the toilet and being unhappy about it.. why mention he's a man if that wasnt what annoyed her..?

Backtracking. Wierd. God Im bored. Will hide thread its ridiculous. We all know OP is BU. Maybe not after knowing all the ridiculous 'facts' that she has trickled in throughout but blah blah blah whatever, bored.

ZZZenAgain, yes she is 4 1/2 and more than capable of cleaning and changing herself. The nursery toilets have no cubicles and nursery insists on staff being in the toilet I did put this suggestion to them

if he is in the toilet area but not within the cubicle itself and the door is closed, is this alright

or should he not be in the toilet area at all?

"Fair enough BritFish.

Please can you show me where in the OP's post, she refers to abuse. "

Gichin, feel free to pass your eye over my post again and note that i didnt say the OP had suggested abuse, but it is not unreasonable for posters to jump to the conclusion that the OP might be worried about abuse, as it is a very common fear of parents who have taught their children to be afraid of fecking everyone, and is a topic well discussed on mumsnet.

dignity is how much respect you treat someone with not the gender of the carer.

oh I see sorry,crossed posts

i've probably missed hundreds of middle posts but if someone was asking why i thought it undignified for my Gran to have a male carer, then I can explain (and same goes for my Grandad to have a female carer).

My Gran is 86, as far as i'm aware was a virgin on her wedding night and has never 'shared' her body with any other male apart from my Grandfather. She did have a male doctor when giving birth to my mum but i think he did't go anywhere near the business end. She would be horrified to have a male carer help her wash and dress. She would feel it undignified.

I actually feel the same, and trust me i wasn't a virgin on my wedding night i just wouldn't want a man in that role with me. I think I am allowed personal choice in that matter.

Nurseries really can't please everyone all the time though, can they? There have been recent threads complaining about nursery workers not supervising children every second and not accompanying children to the toilet - and now complaints when they do.

foureleven - this is my first post, i came for advice not to start a riot, i didnt want to write a lifestory but with the fierce narrowminded reaction needed to further explain, please do hide the thread as I want advice not a beating. as for backtracking, what is wrong about admitting that after posting i can see that my concerns were misdirected? would you rather i be so pompous i try and make one statement and stick with it to the grave??

Debi - there are a few male nannies on Mumsnet. I bet they sometimes look after girls. There may be one reading this thread now.

I am a man and because of a particular urinary condition I have there is no option but for me to have some very intimate and painful procedures done by female nurses/doctors. Sometimes there just are no male/doctors nurses in the units I have have to go to. There is no choice but they are all professionals.

That said, I know very well that people are suspicious of men around children. It is a fact of life and it is very sad.

Sorry but your original post suggests you are unhappy with a male nursery worker not the fact he is a stranger to DD.

This thread is hysterical I haven't laughed this much since the river of sweetcorn thread!

Debi, you are truly weird, God love you.