to not want a male worker to take my daughter to the toilet?

[DebiDean]

Hi there,

My daughter wet herself in the nursery toilets yesterday, when I asked her about it at dinner she mentioned that it was a male worker who took her to the toilet. I spoke to a few friends about it who had different opinions about whether it was right or wrong (opinion was a 50/50 split!) and I decided that as I wasn't comfortable with the idea that I would contact the nursery and explain that I would rather a female worker take her to the toilet.

I was very clear with the nursery that I was supportive of having male role models within the nursery however I felt that to maintain my daughters dignity it would be more appropriate for a female worker to take her to the toilet.

I had a rather rude reply accusing me of being discriminative and that they would refuse to discriminate against him.

I was so shocked as I do support men working with children, but felt there should be limitations within that, or the nursery should at least consider my wishes (especially as it costs me £45 a day!!!).

Whats the opinion? Any ideas of what I could/should do?

so when you parents will be looking after your DS, I'm assuming only your mum won't be allowed to accompany him to the toilet?

was this the first time since she's been at nursery that she has been taken to the toilet by a stranger? the problem for you may now be that he was a stranger, but the problem your DD had appears to be the fact it was a man, that is incredibly worrying!!

i won't hold my breath for an answer as you don't seem that keen on answering peoples questions.

YABVU and it seems as though you have passed these thoughts on to your DD.

Debidean you are v odd if you think talking about a child 'flashing her tuppence' is ok but see a male worker in a position of trust doing his job as unacceptable.You have issues and are passing them on

Debi- if the problem is due to 'strangers' and not gender whats going to happen at school?
Your DD and you may meet the teacher a couple of times before starting but what about all the other staff she will encounter?
teaching assistants?
dinner supervisers?
other parents about?
guest speakers?
what if teacher is off and they have a sub for the day?
school outings?
swimming?
I would be more concerned about your dd's ( and your) issue with 'strangers ' tbh.
Your dd should be able to cope with meeting new people better than this im afraid.
Chances are your dd would have met this carer before now anyway during day to day activities at nursery and you would never know as it really doesn't matter.
YABU by the way.

'my child hasn't wet herself for a year'

thats the problem you are embarrassed that the child you taught 'not to wet herself' did. You prob led her to say it's because of the male staff etc.

WHY WHY WHY would you question a child who wet themselves at nursery over dinner??

A) Because she did and because they do.

sorry

I hope he's not your DS - wouldn't like to inflict him on anyone else full time (despite his cuteness)

I wonder if Debi refers to hers as fifty quid?

I'm gone!

oh - good point mumbar.

Very common for children of that age still to wet themselves, even after not wetting for a long time.

@ fifty quid

Debi 'i catagorically said from the start that my concern was not about abuse'

No, you didn't. You didn't say anything like that in your first, initial post.
You also didn't mention anything about your DD being uncomfortable with it being a male carer, you only mentioned how you felt uncomfortable.
You only 'clarified' after you got a flaming.

Tuppence! Mine's a pound coin.

The last person I heard using the word tuppence was my Gran - and she was 80 when she died 20 years ago.

Are you one of those people who whisper when they say the word vagina, Debi?

You'd rather your child was modest enough to wet herself rather than go to the loo with a person who has a dingle?

Life just isn't long enough for the therapy needed.

Good point mumbar - maybe the dd was embarassed about wetting herself or worried about getting in trouble, so was looking for an excuse? "Because Bob took me and I don't like him" might have seemed like a better answer than "I was too busy playing and left it too late".

Tanga my biology teacher used to whisper 'vagina'. Which in the middle of a sentence read from a textbook was hysterical.

actually i fond it very worrying that your DD wet herself rather than let a stranger take her to the loo. what have you done to create this OP? you need to look at the way you deal with thsi because you will end up with a whole host of problems if you carry on with this attitude.

Missed the tuppence bit totally

Hula - I think he was totally serious, this was when I was at uni so going back 15 years. He was in his final year of study I believe, so doing placements etc. TBH at the age of 19/20 it wouldn't even have occured to me to report him, I thought eeeeuuwwwww, but would not have had the confidence/wherewithall etc to think of telling anyone. Looking back now, yes I wish I had

Anyway, as you were. Tocc do the fag thing again please I'm fucking desperate

I think that is horribly common among med students DeFluffy. I have been told by several male doctors not to give bodies to medical research because they do unspeakable things with them

YABU - everything I was going to say has been said up there ^

By Missus84 Tue 25-May-10 20:47:20
posieparker - would you really expect only your child's keyworker to provide personal care? How would that be practical - what if the keyworker was on lunch, or holiday, or in a meeting?

In a nursery care of the children is shared amongst staff - it has to be to cover staff absences. Sometimes that means a child might be fed or changed by someone they are less familiar with.

Well, I haven't chosen a nursery as I am a SAHM.

We use Tuppence here!

A friend of mine used to call hers a 'Shame Shame' which really set her up well for later life!

On same gender carers for old folks, place I used to work ( over 65 unit) the old dears loved our male staff, we had quite a few male nurses and carers, no distinction was ever made.
My grandad however, when he was in hospital refused to let the male nurses/ carers near him as they were (all a bunch of poofs!)

haha DeFluffy - I clicked on "threads I'm on" and saw you'd recently posted and clicked on the thread to blow smoke of you again

God Tocc i love it sooooo much. I keep thinking that if dd2 ever goes away over night, i might just have one but I know I'd be doomed then, doomed I tell ye!

you would be doomed - don't do it

ive read all of debs posts and a small amount of the replies.

from what i understand, her dd wanted the toilet - she must have asked to go as the nursery has a policy of a worker going with the child - even at 4 years old.

at this point the child didn't want to have a wee in front of a strange man

i think thats fair enough actually - i really do.

maybe its not fair and its not right that the child would have felt more comfortable and at ease with a female worker, but there you go.

I also think debs has a point about dignity. The child obviously felt embarrassed - as would i. I think this should be considered as the child is 4 years old. It may be different when potty training for instance. it may even be different at 3 years old. But at 4 years old children do have a sense of their own body and can feel embarassment for sure.

i would have said the op was being ridiculous had the child been say 2 years old - becuase its a different story altogether regarding how children at that age view their body.

many have asked - what about a male doctor or midwife. Well i would much prefer not to have a male doctor or midwife looking at my fandango even in their professional capacity.

It is totally not about them, their professionality, their competance. It is totally about me and how i view the situation.

Again i say, a 4 year old will have a sense of these things. I think that a nursery would take this into consideration.

There have been times where i have had to take little boys to the loo (friends or family) and at that age, i certainly wouldnt stand and watch. i might turn around and ask if they are done, make sure their buttons are fastened, wash their hands - but i wouldnt stand there watching whilst he had a wee, or she had a wee for that matter.

for me, with this argument its all about the age. a male worker helping a 2 year old use the potty is much different from watching a 4 year old go to the loo.

i think that is true of both male and female, but if the child can go to the toilet whilst being watched by a female, then that child should be afforded that opportunity, and yes its a big emotion is 'dignity' to put next to the words '4 year old' but they do have a sense of this and it should be taken into consideration.

cuatrd - I'd like to think that regardless of the gender of the worker who took a 4yr old to the toilet that they didn't stand and watch her.