to feel quite jealous of some folks great relationships with their parents?

[ilikeyoursleeves]

I am very thankful for what I have got, I have a DH and 2 fantastic DS's and I am very happy with that. We rarely go out at night etc due to the kids and lack of money but I like hanging about with my own little family at home and going out on day trips etc. I think since I had kids it's made me realise just how crappy my relationship is with my family (ie parents & siblings). Well, I have always known obviously that we are not a close family but the other day I was looking at my cousins photos on facebook and I saw her at a party having a ball and her parents were there too (my aunt (dad's sister) and uncle) also having a ball, dressed up in fancy dress and hugging my cousin. It just made me feel so sad and admittedly jealous because a photo like that would just never happen with my parents and me.

My parents have never been ones to show affection or hug me etc. They have never said they love me, although I know they do, they have just never ever said those three words. I told my dad I loved him at my wedding and he said 'we'll have enough of that nonsense' I only see them every 3-4 weeks now (don't even speak to them in between) and if I was to phone them my mum always says 'What can we do for you?' as if I was a call centre. I'm used to this though, they have always been like this but when I see others who have a great, close relationship with their parents, it does make me sad. I even remember staying with my cousin (the one in the facebook photos) when I was little and I was so jealous of the closeness of their family even back then (about 20 years ago). My in laws are all really close too and see each other loads. When I see my parents I feel we have nothing to say other than all the superficial stuff, it's like we are growing even further apart as we get older.

Not sure what I'm trying to say or what I'm looking for, this is more like cathartic typing I think! My parents will never change and my relationship with them is so distant that I think it would feel odd to even try to get closer and they wouldn't embrace this anyway. I'm adopted so I wonder if that makes a difference in both my and their feelings? They have a natural son (my big brother) who has emigrated to NZ and last time I called him (we speak about once a year) he said he had no plans on coming back even for a holiday and probably the next time he comes here it will be after he gets 'that phone call' (ie, one of our parents dies). Do you not think that is weird?

I also have a sister (also adopted) but have a crap relationship with her too for a long list of reasons, too long for here.

Sorry this has gone on for ages, I just sometimes wish I had a normal family!

just do what I do and learn from their mistakes to make sure your DC never feel the way that you do

my lot are hopeless and DH and I are determined now that the DC are our main and only priority family wise their loss, not ours

YANBU I feel sad for people who don't have that. My Dad didn't - it really affected him. At least you have your own lovely family though.

oh and I'm adopted too but my relationship with my brother is ok (he is my parents biological son) and whilst we aren't close I know I could phone him if I had to iyswim?

I think learning from it is a big thing, like EricNorthmansmistress my dad didn't have a good relationship with his parents and it has affected him, he still gets upset now. But to me he has been a great dad and as I say to him, you've done a great job of raising your own children and that says so much about you, despite your start.

YANBU though, DP feels the way you do and it makes me so sad for him.

YANBU, but people used to be jealous of my relationship with my parents, and now I don't speak to my father and it is very strained with my mum.

Your post touched me because I told my dad I loved him on my wedding day too, and he just made this sound and carried on complaining about the photographer who he had had a row with,
he had me on pins all day, then he sernaded me that evening(he is a singer) and that is all everyone talked about, how much he loved me etc and how it was fabulous,
they didn't realise I felt sick all day as I was afraid someone would annoy him and he would fly off into a rage,He had a few rows but I was able to calm him down so dh didn't find out

I understand but my situation is different.
My children have no living grandparents, no cousins and only one aunt whom they haven't seen for years.

We have literally no family on either side and therefore it is just me, DH and the 3kids all the time including every Christmas. It breaks my heart.

Rather than get yourself worked up about the negative relationship with your parents can you not foster a stronger one with your in-laws? You mention they are all close. Would that not give your children that sense of family?

Yes brogan my DS's see my inlaws a lot, usually at least once a week. DS1 (2.5) has a great relationship with them and is so at home at theirs (DS2 only 10 months so not really at that stage yet!). He takes ages to warm up when he sees my parents as he doesn't know them so well. Sometimes I think I should make more of an effort to visit them but then when I am there they barely say anything! I feel guilty too as they are getting on a bit but then I also feel that I shouldn't feel guilty as I am probably distant with them as a direct result if them being distant to me?

Anyway...

I'm sorry you are in the position of not having any extended family, that can't be easy either

YANBU. I get terribly jealous of friends who come out with things like 'my mum is my best friend.' My mum is a workaholic, so I always felt second to that growing up, and very resentful of the fact. Now, when we speak we just make small talk - I would never be able to talk to her about personal things.

Still, I have learned so much, and I know that when I have children I will try my best to do things differently.

Me too. It's a horrible throat-lumping feeling that never entirely goes away

But it beats the fuck out of having my bloody mother on my left shoulder all the time.

I don't think it's because you were adopted (it's not as though your brother feels any differently). My family sounds very like yours but I have realised recently that just because my parents don't show they care it doesn't mean they don't. I think my grandparents were even less demonstrative and that's who my parents learnt from. I also know that my parents don't want to interfere so much that sometimes it can come across as cold.

You might find that your parents often talk about you to other people (I was quite shocked to find that). I'd feel sorry for them really for not being able to show their feelings. They obviously really wanted a big family (you don't adopt by accident) and yet now they hardly see them.

I hope you find some way to build a better relationship with them (and if you do, let me know how!)

OP, how old are you out of interest? I ask because although my relationship with my parents sounds a bit better than yours, I cannot recall my parents ever telling me they loved me either. I suspect it may well be a generational thing. My mum for example, would never tell me she loved me and is very nagging and overbearing but she does stuff for me that shows she loves me - she just can't put in into words.

You don't mention the relationship that your parents have with your own DC? Could your DC not be the bridge to bring you all closer. My DC are the lights of my parents lives and it has brought us all closer in terms of physical distance and emotionally - before DC, I lived at the other side of the country and spent a lot of years abroad. Would it be possible for you to sit down with your parents and voice your concerns.

You say you know your parents love you (although they don't say it) which is a positive thing, surely? I have a few friends with truly horrific relationships with their parents and compared to some of the horror stories I have heard, your situation doesn't sound so bad. Maybe you could work on the relationship?

I have no relationship with my parents/sibling or extended family through choice (no contact because of their behaviour). I think Greensleeves summed it up well as it's horrible but worlds better than having them around.

I would say build up your relationship with your ILs and with friends and people you do have a close relationship with. It does help. I get on well with my ILs (who I consider to be my family) and have a couple of very close friends (one who has little family of her own) and it helps. For me as well, the knowledge that I chose these people for my family and more importantly they chose me as someone they wanted to be family with, is a powerful thing. I think that's the part you have to concentrate on.

There is noone in my life now that knew me before the age of 15yo adn sometimes it hurts to know that there is noone to remember my childhood. But it is better than the alternative.

I can't ever remembering my parents telling me they loved me as a child, however since my dad died my relationship with my mum is amazing we are more like best friends and she now also has a brilliant relationship with all her grandkids but unfortunately apart from my kids they where all grown up so don't have the closeness that mine have with her.On one of her birthdays she tried to let her hair down and my dad just glared at her for being stupid so she went back to being uptight always remember him putting her down but she doesn't remember him like that.On the other hand I have a fantastic relationship with my children especially the girls my son doesn't do soppiness, always told them I love them and they never go to bed without a hug or a kiss my eldest who has left home has even been known to text me goodnight .My fil and his wife who we only met 10 years ago are very much the opposite from my parents and are fantastic grandparents.However mil is a a different story only has eyes for her daughter and her daughter.

Don't feel jealous. Nobody has the perfect relationship, however they may like to portray it as so.

Don't dwell on it, make your own happiness. You have to move on, accept this is how they are.

I know.

My mother and sisters would never visit me when I married and moved away. I can count the number of their visits on the fingers of one hand (x3 visits in 10 years). Whenever I saw them, it was always warm and affectionate, but still always me visiting them. When my husband was away with the Army I stayed on my own with a young baby with no visitors at all from my side. If I hadn't gone to see them at Christmas, I would have spent that on my own. I would cry when I saw friends with their parents and siblings. I always longed for a "normal" family but time has taught me that it's their loss, not mine and not to spend any more of my precious life worrying about them.

I don't feel jealous cos I find it hard/impossible to believe that any adult could actually get on well with their parents, so I tend to think that people who think or say they do are just misguided (I know I'm wrong, some people do get on well and have a healthy relationship with thier parents, but I just find it impossible to imagine. Noone in my family ever does).

What makes me sad is anticipating my dds growing up and disliking or hating me, everyone says "oh you're not like your parents" but because I don't believe that healthy satisfying adult child-parent relationships exist, I can't imagine I'll ever have one, and that worries me. I have a lovely relationship with each of my dds now but I can't believe it will last. so I get sad in advance about that.

Don't be jealous because it doesn't do any good. Just make sure you have a brilliant time now with your DCs.

To be cathartic myself, my dad was a really horrible man who resented everything his children had (education, youth, friends etc) and spent his time taking his resentment out on his wife and kids. And then when he died, my mum seemed to think it was finally her turn and spent the next 17 years copying him.

I'm not jealous of other people though. I know I'm not very good at families and so I quite shamelessly use them as a sort of reference book. I use MN for that too. I hope no-one minds.

Fennel I think it's possible. Teenage years are key. I think you have to separate from each other (without drama) in order to respect one another as individuals. That means not rescuing and resisting the urge to manage your teen.

Fennel - its definitely possible. I get on very well with my mum and pretty well with my dad although mum isn't my best friend (that would be DH).

I agree with Sweedes that it is very much down to how mum was through teens. Mum managed not to be judgmental about sex / parties etc but clearly had her own opinion and reminded us regularly to be safe. Mum is a big believer in car journeys. She would offer to drive us around so that we were in the car, we didn't have to look at each other and we could have a chat so she never lost touch completely an could help out if/where appropriate.

I think the same technique is recommended by quite a few authors for children with AS to encourage communication.

Our relationship is very much down to thework my mum put in with me and my siblings so I'm just hoping I can repeat it with my DCs.

Same here, my mum isnt my best friend...infact she has been a real cow to me over the years. I guess i have forgiven her now.
They are getting older and i live in the same town as them i call them most days or pop up there to halp tidy up. My dad has heart failure and mums getting forgetful (78 and 83yrs.)
I am 50 , and my kids are 22,19 and 9 yrs ; so its time i helped them out poor devils. They are so appreciative of my help as my sister never calls them is 85 miles away and hasnt brought the grandchildren to stay in over a year.

Just do the best u can ILIKEYOURSLEEVES . . thats all you can do . Not all parents are close to their kids...its harsh i know. We just have to make sure we stay close to our own and they look after up and come and see us as they grow up. HUGS XX

fennel it DOES happen, it really does. I know lots of people who seem perfectly normal and yet don't hate their parents

it is a nasty back-of-the-mind niggle though. Sometimes when I have a bad day with either of mine and they seem contemptuous or hostile, I think "is this how it will end up being all the time?"

I really think we have to believe that it is not inevitable and that our fears are just another legacy from our crap families.

I think I gather friends around me who also don't get on with their parents, so I don't actually have many people I'm close to who do have a good relationship with parents, it's rather cyclical. Moaning about crap families can be such a bonding experience.

But yes you are all right, of course, it must be possible. I have been freaking out lately at one of my dds showing the first signs of puberty and it's not the puberty per se that worries me, it's all to do with thinking that's the end of our good close relationship, coming up soon.

I understand, I really do.

I think all you can do, seen as a you can't really change the situation, is to be as happy a person you can be, so that in turn your children live happy lives (as much as possible) and to create a happy family from there. It may never be perfect, but it is something that you can create for the future.

I have nothing to do with either of my biological parents, with my mother it's my choice, to protect me and my child, with my father it's his choice.

It's pretty sad to see so many other people in the same boat but you are all right, I just need to focus on my own family and make sure they don't have the same concerns when they are older. I am very affectionate with my boys, love to kiss them, hug them and tell them how much I love them. Hopefully they will let me do that for a long time yet!

Someone asked how my parents relationship is with my DS's. Well, when they see them they are all smiles etc but they don't do any of the grandparent stuff like play with them, tell them stories etc. When my mum holds DS2 (10 months) she just sits him on her lap and doesn't do much else at all. They are just so contrasting to the in laws who like to show the boys things round the house, offer to feed them, take them out, make them things, bake cakes, get them thoughtful gifts that they know they will like. I am not materialistic at all and don't believe in showering kids with gifts, but my parents have literally spent about £10 and no more on DS1 in his life (he is 2.5 years). They spent £1.50 on his 1st birthday. DS2 didn't even get a card or a gift when he was born. So it's things like that that get to me too.

People have said to me at Xmas 'oh I bet the grandparents will spoil the boys rotten', and I just think .

I still feel guilty though as my parents are getting on a bit, aren't in too good health either, so I feel I should be doing more for them / visiting more, but then when I do see them I just end up feeling resentful because we have nothing to say or do. Then I think that's pretty juvenile of me to think like that... but I can't seem to help it.

Sigh.

yanbu, i feel the same nd i'm not adopted.. my mum likes to use the dc to show off what they can do and tell her friends all about them but only knows these things from my facebook.. when i speak to her she is more interested in telling me about her dogs new trick than hearing about the children!