Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To turn the box room that DSD sleeps in only four times a year back into a study

124 replies

TooMuchCaffeine · 17/05/2010 10:02

DSD (10) lives with her mum 70 miles away. She visits us for one or two nights occasionally during school holidays and we (DH, DS (6) and me) visit her in her home town once a month to do something fun together for a day.

DH and his ex had an acrimonious split, which resulted in an estrangement lasting five years so she has only been in contact with DH since she was six, at which time she shared DS's (quite large) bedroom. DS and DSD have always got on really well.

About two years ago I thought it would be nice if DSD had her own room, and turned the box room that used to be our study, into a room she could stay in when she visits, so for nearly 2 years DSD sleeps in there on her own - but has not made it her own in any way, with pictures, toys etc. The idea was that we were going to build an extension at the back of the house,and have the study there but we are not able to do that now for at least another two or three years.

However in light of the inconvenience caused by not having a study, (the computer, filing cabinet and our paperwork are all in different rooms and the only place to write stuff is on the dining table) we are considering changing the box room back to a study and either getting a bunk bed for them in DS's room or a air bed for when DSD comes.

I did not realise how hard it would be not having a study at the time I made that decision to get rid of it. Bearing in mind as I said she is only here about four times a year for two or three nights (so 12 days out of 365), AIBU?

OP posts:
champagnesupernova · 17/05/2010 10:06

YANBU esp if she hasn't made it her own in any way.
Why not get one of those wall-beds that are a bit James Bond so that she has something cool when she comes over.

Morloth · 17/05/2010 10:07

From a practical point of view YANBU, however is it possible she will feel like she doesn't have a "place" there if you do it?

I think I would probably ask her if she minds. Not had any personal experience with step families though so my advice could be crap.

SirBoobAlot · 17/05/2010 10:09

When she's older, do you honestly think she will be willing to share a room with someone, especially a "little boy"? Am thinking 13+ here; I know I wouldn't have wanted to.

Can't you change it back into a study but put a sofa bed or futon in there? Otherwise I think you could possibly be putting her off visiting.

YANBU to want your study back, though.

Webuyanycardotcom · 17/05/2010 10:09

No, of course not. What's more important is the welcome she gets, not whether she has her own room or not. You can always make it into her room in some way for the times when she is with you.

I would though let her know what you're planning to do.

thesecondcoming · 17/05/2010 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ABatInBunkFive · 17/05/2010 10:11

Yes make sure she doesn't mind.

Bunk beds not a good idea IMO

Will there be space for her to sleep in the room with all the office stuff back in it?

PenelopePitstops · 17/05/2010 10:12

Very hard decision

getting rid of 'her' room could really upset her, but it is only 12 days a year

Is there any way the bed could be upsided and the room used as a study, then things re arranged when dsd is around?

Greensleeves · 17/05/2010 10:13

I think it's not unreasonble in itself - I don't think you are being horrible - but I also think it's possible she will be really hurt

irrational possibly, but I think it might mean a lot to her, in the back of her mind, that she has her own bit of territory at her father's house

but then I am not objective - my mother "redeployed" my room when I went off to boarding school at 12 - holidays etc a sleeping bag bed would be made up in the converted garage with alll the old stored junk, or I would get shoved into whichever room had space

I'm not sure it's relevant that she hasn't "made it her own", some kids this age might need an adult to help them do that (and fund it)

Webuyanycardotcom · 17/05/2010 10:14

It doesn't necessarily follow that if she hasn't made it her own then she's been pushed out. I'd imagine it's maybe quite hard for her to think of it as her room if she's been visiting her Dad and stepmum's home so infrequently.

noddyholder · 17/05/2010 10:19

I would get a smaller bed and set up a built in office area that you can clear when she comes.maybe a desk for the computer which can be a dressing table when she is there.maybe put a couple of pics of her and her brother up so she knows it is still hers and a girly office chair which can be double duty.i think she could feel pushed out otherwise not bcause yabu but her age is a tricky time

OrganicHairbrush · 17/05/2010 10:21

Given the precariousness of the situation, I would tread very carefully. Any feeling or implication that she's being booted out or shunted around could be blown way out of proportion. You may be seen as U by the ex, and it's probably worth treading on eggshells a bit...

Could you make it a DSD bedroom which you'll use as a study when she isn't there? You could paint it her chosen colours snd get one of those Ikea beds designed to fit above a desk. I think Ikea also do computer tables and filing units which fold away into a wardrobe, and then you could get her a futon or a sofa bed.

But however you do it, don't call the room the study... make sure you keep referring to it (at least in front of DSD, DS and exW) as "DSD's bedroom".

seeker · 17/05/2010 10:23

What does your dp think?

SoupDragon · 17/05/2010 10:25

Can you get a high sleeper bed, under which you can put the desk and office stuff which you can pack up when she visits? I would be very wary about erasing her room completely. As others have said, she will no doubt want privacy in a few year's time.

Aitch · 17/05/2010 10:27

can't you get one of those high beds from ikea with the study area underneath? they're designed for kids doing their homework, so she'll recognise it as kid furniture iykwim? and of course she might need the computer herself when she visits. in the meantime you've got a study when she's not there... but can sell it as A Good Thing.

YunoYurbubson · 17/05/2010 10:28

I think OrganicHairbrush gives good advice here.

Webuyanycardotcom · 17/05/2010 10:33

How she feels about it is going to be key.

My experience with my dsd, who is here loads, is that she really isn't fussed about having a room of her own, or even some space of her own. She just kind of takes over the whole house !

And she rolls here eyes and tells me to stop fussing when I go on about making sure she doesn't feel pushed out when I've commandeered yet another of her drawers for dd's stuff. She really doesn't mind and it might be the case with TMC's dsd too.

Cretaceous · 17/05/2010 10:37

Agree with the others. Perhaps when she next comes, you could do a combined shop, to make it an office for you, but with things to make it personal to her when she stays there. That way, she feels she's part of the decision.

Morloth · 17/05/2010 10:41

The loft bed thingy is an excellent idea - as is taking her shopping to choose it.

Original poster
TooMuchCaffeine · 17/05/2010 10:46

The room is only about 5.5 feet by 8 feet and part of the long wall is taken up by the bulkhead for the stairs - so it can either be one thing or another really. We are going to discuss it with her first, of course. DP was never in favour of it being turned into a bedroom and is actually showing a lot of restraint by not saying "I told you so".
When I say she has not made it her own, I mean that she has lots of nick nacks that she brings with her, but always takes back when she leaves, for example a photo of herself when she was 2 appeared on the shelf (I was secretly pleased) but she took it with her when she left.
In an ideal world I would make it a dual purpose room, but as I said, it is a very tiny room.....

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 17/05/2010 10:48

well then, she IS making it her own, when she is there!

I really wouldn't do it, I'm afraid.

I can see why it's galling, though.

EricNorthmansmistress · 17/05/2010 10:49

Sensible answer - no, don't kick her out of the room, try to combine both.

Not so sensible answer - how long have you been on MN TMC? I'm afraid I had to search to see if you had a posting history - you have abviously never come across the boxroom troll!

(disclaimer - am not suggesting TMC is the boxroom troll )

Original poster
TooMuchCaffeine · 17/05/2010 10:52

In fact is is such a tiny room, that the bed that is in there is actually a platform bed that DH and I had to make ourselves to fit the shorter-than-a-normal single bed space", so any kind of tall desk-bed combination would dwarf the room totally. We have already been through that line of enquiry trust me!

OP posts:
Aitch · 17/05/2010 10:52

oh dear then, no, i'm afraid you can't, it's not big enough, unless you can stick a small filing cabinet in there and sit on her bed to work, a la carrie from sex and the city.

Webuyanycardotcom · 17/05/2010 10:54

So the alternative then is a bunk bed and she shares with your ds, or she goes on an airbed where?

Original poster
TooMuchCaffeine · 17/05/2010 10:55

What's the boxroom troll - I have been registed on Mumsnet for a while, but don't come on here often - can you send me a link?

Greensleeves you are making me feel so guilty now! I had hoped the extension would materialise (it is currently a UPVC conservatory that is too way cold to use in winter - despite the radiator that is there otherwise that woudl be the study)

OP posts: