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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To turn the box room that DSD sleeps in only four times a year back into a study

124 replies

TooMuchCaffeine · 17/05/2010 10:02

DSD (10) lives with her mum 70 miles away. She visits us for one or two nights occasionally during school holidays and we (DH, DS (6) and me) visit her in her home town once a month to do something fun together for a day.

DH and his ex had an acrimonious split, which resulted in an estrangement lasting five years so she has only been in contact with DH since she was six, at which time she shared DS's (quite large) bedroom. DS and DSD have always got on really well.

About two years ago I thought it would be nice if DSD had her own room, and turned the box room that used to be our study, into a room she could stay in when she visits, so for nearly 2 years DSD sleeps in there on her own - but has not made it her own in any way, with pictures, toys etc. The idea was that we were going to build an extension at the back of the house,and have the study there but we are not able to do that now for at least another two or three years.

However in light of the inconvenience caused by not having a study, (the computer, filing cabinet and our paperwork are all in different rooms and the only place to write stuff is on the dining table) we are considering changing the box room back to a study and either getting a bunk bed for them in DS's room or a air bed for when DSD comes.

I did not realise how hard it would be not having a study at the time I made that decision to get rid of it. Bearing in mind as I said she is only here about four times a year for two or three nights (so 12 days out of 365), AIBU?

OP posts:

withorwithoutyou · 17/05/2010 12:10

If she was an adult it would be fine.

But she's not, she's 10, and she's had 4 years of no contact with her Dad.

She is more important than having a study.

Cretaceous · 17/05/2010 12:10

Actually, PeppermintCream, I think yours is a great idea. My DC shared the boxroom in bunkbeds when they were small, as they played downstairs. It's only now my DS is 10 that he really wants some privacy. DS could play there, DSD could stay there, and the OP could use it as an office until the extension is built.

Aitch · 17/05/2010 12:11

tmc's not a troll, crabious. i suppose if the room is damp in the depths of winter then it might not be good for a computer, but anyway there isn't a rush presumably because it's may and the study will be fine for the next few months at least.

Morloth · 17/05/2010 12:12

Another excellent idea with DS taking the small room and the double being turned into multi-purpose when DSD is not there.

So many options, why go with the one that is likely to cause hurt?

cupofteaplease · 17/05/2010 12:12

If it helps, my dd goes to her dad's house every Saturday and has to share a single bed with her younger half sister- she doesn't even have a blow up bed on the floor!

However, she is fine with this, and certainly doesn't feel that she doesn't belong there. I think the welcome you give her and the time you spend with her is far more important than keeping a room for her which is, for the majority of the year, wasted space.

Crabious · 17/05/2010 12:13

lol - I love the fact they think if you are middle aged and a woman - you know nothing.

lol at image of laptop on top of big bag of peas

differentnameforthis · 17/05/2010 12:14

I'd put ds in the box room & make the bigger room a study/dsd bedroom.

Morloth · 17/05/2010 12:16

Is better with DH, he looks um..."meaty" is a big guy, broken rugby player nose etc, usually quite scruffily dressed on weekends.

And is one of the head IT guys for a major international bank. It is almost cute the way he toys with them first.

Original poster

TooMuchCaffeine · 17/05/2010 12:16

Grow up crabious - I am not a troll. Simply a concerned step mum not wishing to alienate her DSD - sorry to disappoint you.
However I will go away and have a little think about this. Deep down I DON'T really want DSD to not have a room, but I really really want to have a space to work in.
Apparently, I am told the computer thing is about condensation, the computer going from a very cold state to a warm causes condensation inside which can cause damage to the circuits. I do not profess to being an expert on computers so can only take the advice I was given.
I will also look into changing our 1000 year old conservatory to a more efficient one - which holds the heat better - plus underfloor heating - Im sure that will be cheaper than waiting for an extension.

OP posts:

Gibbon · 17/05/2010 12:17

Sorry but I have to agree that whatever suggestions people are coming up with you are basically saying 'No, won't work, please agree that it's ok to change her room back'

It will hurt her, I can promise you that. Up to you if having a study is more important.

silverfrog · 17/05/2010 12:19

Have read most of the thread, and agree that you need to go carefully.

As you have pointed out yourself, emotions can run high, and especially if your DH had an acrimonious split, then I think you need to tread very carefully.

I am a step-mother too, and my dh had an awful time of it with his ex - contact withheld, the works.

At one point, we could barely afford a house with room for all of us (then me, dh, dsd 16, dss 14, and dd1 nearly 2).

Dh & I ended up living in the semi-converted loft space - no windows, no heating, no carpets etc, so that dsd and dss could have their own rooms when they visited (a bit more than your dsd, but not a lot of time, tbh - maybe 6 weeks out of the year).

we did it for all the reasons stated - we wanted dsd and dss to know that thye were always welcome in our house, and would always have their own space (similarly they never personalised it, only sleep there, etc)

I know how hard this is, but I do think you need to put your dsd first, and make sure she knows she is always welcome, and will alwys have her own space. (NOT saying she doesn't feel this way already, but it is almost ippossible to guage how she will feel if "her" space is taken away)

RebeccaRarebit · 17/05/2010 12:19

You came on here because you wanted everyone to tell you YANBU. Some are disagreeing with you or offering suggestions that you don't want so you're off in a huff. Millions of people manage without a study or "home office". Get rid of filing cabinet and buy some storage for under your bed. Or put the ruddy filing cabinet in the conservatory - you don't live in a mansion so it's not as though you'll have to walk a long way to put something in/get something out of it.

Morloth · 17/05/2010 12:20

Not heard that about condensation before, but the room could absolutely be too damp for a PC but it would need to be quite damp before it became an issue.

Our backroom is effectively a conservatory and we have the PC up against the back glass doors and the nearest radiator turned off in an effort to keep it cold.

Have totally hijacked your thread there. I would go with getting the conservatory sorted out ASAP and do the DS in small room, DSD and other stuff in big room option in the meantime.

Aitch · 17/05/2010 12:22

to be fair to tmc, she does have misgivings about the plan to remove dsd's room, that's why she posted. her dh is all for it, so it's not like she's persuading him, she's trying to persuade herself. (and we're not helping...)

Conundrumish · 17/05/2010 12:22

I would take the opportunity to decorate her room (let her choose how) and also incorporate a computer desk/shelves for the study. I am sure she would love to have a grown up room with a futon/sofa bed with your PC stuff in the corner.

ABatInBunkFive · 17/05/2010 12:24

You do know it's may don't you, winter is quite a while away. TBH four months isn't that long a time to not have every thing out. Infact if you do get the extention in two years it'll only 8 months out of 24 that it's unusable, but clearly that makes it unusable ever.

Original poster

TooMuchCaffeine · 17/05/2010 12:27

I guess taking the room away is one of those things you can't "undo" when they get older and accuse you of never making them feel welcome. I would not like her to think that she is not welcome. The reasons why we made the room for her have not changed. But it is not simply a matter about one thing being more "important" than another - whatever that may be DSD's room/study. We have four people's needs to consider not just DSD.
Reading this I do feel that we have been a bit lazy or unimaginative where the conservatory is concerned and I am going to address this later with DH and see what we can come up with to perhaps make that space work for us, even if it means stretching to a better conservatory that is more practical than this one.

OP posts:

Ewe · 17/05/2010 12:30

I think YABU

I used to get annoyed because my room at my Dad and SM's house (my parents split when I was 1) was also used as a spare room seems silly now but at the time it was really important to me! I wanted it to be mine. Not just a room anyone could sleep in when they stayed over.

I suspect your DSD might feel similar feelings if you get rid of her room.

Original poster

TooMuchCaffeine · 17/05/2010 12:31

I'm not sure I understand your post abatinbunkfive. The extension will be a brick built structure and therefore useable all the time - unfortunately I do not have £25K lying around at this time.

OP posts:

withorwithoutyou · 17/05/2010 12:32

I work from home and our office is now in the conservatory.

Yes, it's too cold to sit in for 4 months of the year. We do get condensation in places but the computer still runs fine.

When it's cold I sit in the lounge and work on the laptop. Surely a laptop is cheaper than buying a new conservatory?

With regards to leaving papers around - can't you leave your papers in the conservatory after working in the lounge? That's what I do.

Morloth · 17/05/2010 12:32

It isn't really about need and convenience though TMC. If I was coming to stay with you every 3 months or so and you said "Actually Morloth it is really inconvenient not being able to use that room the rest of the time and instead you are going to sleep on a temporary bed/share DS's room", I would shrug and say no worries. But I am not a preteen girl whose parents have split up and whose dad is remarried with a new son.

Of course it makes more practical sense to use that room as a study, but practical is secondary here I reckon.

Acanthus · 17/05/2010 12:35

Futon plus PC stuff and girly pink curtains is the way to go I think. YOu can ebay the single bed.

ABatInBunkFive · 17/05/2010 12:37

The conservatory is only unusable for 8 months out of 24.

I don't see the point of possibly upsetting/alienating a child for the sake of 8 cold/slighty inconvenient months.

Morloth · 17/05/2010 12:41

You could always put the PC/filing cabinets in the conservatory and set up a network so that you can use a laptop to access the PC from elsewhere in the house similar to what withorwithoutyou does.

AandO · 17/05/2010 12:41

I work from home, and I do not have a study. I use a laptop so that I am able to work where suits - normally the kitchen table.

I keep my filing cabinet in ds wardrobe and have added shelves in there for files. The printer also fits on these shelves and is wireless.

I think that your dsd would be upset if it was no longer her room and think that it is very possible even though not ideal to work from home without a study.

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