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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To turn the box room that DSD sleeps in only four times a year back into a study

124 replies

TooMuchCaffeine · 17/05/2010 10:02

DSD (10) lives with her mum 70 miles away. She visits us for one or two nights occasionally during school holidays and we (DH, DS (6) and me) visit her in her home town once a month to do something fun together for a day.

DH and his ex had an acrimonious split, which resulted in an estrangement lasting five years so she has only been in contact with DH since she was six, at which time she shared DS's (quite large) bedroom. DS and DSD have always got on really well.

About two years ago I thought it would be nice if DSD had her own room, and turned the box room that used to be our study, into a room she could stay in when she visits, so for nearly 2 years DSD sleeps in there on her own - but has not made it her own in any way, with pictures, toys etc. The idea was that we were going to build an extension at the back of the house,and have the study there but we are not able to do that now for at least another two or three years.

However in light of the inconvenience caused by not having a study, (the computer, filing cabinet and our paperwork are all in different rooms and the only place to write stuff is on the dining table) we are considering changing the box room back to a study and either getting a bunk bed for them in DS's room or a air bed for when DSD comes.

I did not realise how hard it would be not having a study at the time I made that decision to get rid of it. Bearing in mind as I said she is only here about four times a year for two or three nights (so 12 days out of 365), AIBU?

OP posts:
Morloth · 17/05/2010 10:56

What about DS getting a loft bed and you putting the filing cabinets and non-computer stuff in there? Then if you can squeeze just the desk into the boxroom or just live with it around the place?

Hell, just sell the PC and get laptops then no desk to deal with!

gingernutlover · 17/05/2010 10:56

I would ask her - see what she says.

is there really not room for a small compuuter desk and a custom built bed with storage under it?

2shoes · 17/05/2010 10:56

what Noddy said

Original poster
TooMuchCaffeine · 17/05/2010 11:00

We tried the computer table combined with the bed we made for her for about six months, and sitting on the bed to work, but it just didn't work, because we need to come back to things and they need to be left out somewhere - that's the problem we have now, we can't leave stuff out to come back to later.

DS room is a double room, and large enough for either a bunk bed or an air bed. When she first started coming we used a folding single bed in there for her - but I sold that on E-bay after we moved her to the box room.

OP posts:
EricNorthmansmistress · 17/05/2010 11:03

The boxroom troll is a lady who comes on every couple of months and posts two threads about her vile DP and sad DSD who sleeps in the boxroom, never acknowledging that she has been on here before, even when asked outright. She never comes back to the threads after posting them, then disappears.

It just made me chuckle - boxroom is kind of shorthand for bonkers troll nowadays!

Aitch · 17/05/2010 11:03

och well, you can use the conservatory in the summer and get a fan heater in winter.. really, it's only a small space she has in her dad's house, i don't think you can take it away, really.

Morloth · 17/05/2010 11:04

Put the computer in DS's room? Our DS's room currently has our chest of drawers in there, I use it to park the buggy and most of his cupboard is storage space.

He is a 6yo boy and is only in his room for sleeping, so it doesn't bother him.

bruffin · 17/05/2010 11:04

We have just had DDs room fitted, although we don't have problems as it is a rectangle room. It's 6 ft by 8.5 ft and we have managed to get a bed, desk, set of drawers, bookcase, cupboards over her bed and a floor to ceiling wardrobe with two rails, drawers and shelves.

Webuyanycardotcom · 17/05/2010 11:05

It is only 12 days a year we're talking about. That's nothing (which is in itself).

How do you think she'd feel about going back to that arrangement? Or what about her having your ds's room for the times she is with you and him coming in with you on an airbed?

Aitch · 17/05/2010 11:05

no no hang on, you're only being asked to tidy your stuff away four times a year according to your OP... can't have it both ways...

Original poster
TooMuchCaffeine · 17/05/2010 11:07

The main issue is keeping all the officey stuff (and my sewing stuff) in one room. even with laptops we still need a worksurface for all of us to use. And actually DSD is very arty too, so could have her own little bits and bobs in our new study
The conservatory is fine during the summer, but from around October is unusable for about four months, otherwise like I say that would make the perfect den/study/hobby room. DS uses it for his crafts/drawing and I have some exercise stuff in there at present and the filing cabinet.

OP posts:
gtamom · 17/05/2010 11:08

My pc desk and file cabinet have wheels and are pushed into our bedroom (easy being the next room) when we need to use the room for someone to sleep. Could you do that? We have bought a couple of those self inflating beds for guests, but are going to get a futon from Ikea this month.

She is only 10 now so maybe she would like a futon in your ds'a room, and by the time she is 12, perhaps you can have that extension put on and move her back to the little room or into a new room?

When you how your mentioned dsd had her pic,up but took it home. Perhaps you could put a couple of framed pics of her up in there, and some other little special touches, maybe she is a bit shy of leaving things there?

pooka · 17/05/2010 11:09

I think you should try and make the conservatory more winter-friendly rather than get rid of her room.

SoupDragon · 17/05/2010 11:12

I agree - sort the conservatory out. What's the point of having a room you can't use for 4 months a year?

Webuyanycardotcom · 17/05/2010 11:12

You see for me, if it can't be made into a dual purpose room, it doesn't really make sense to have a room unused for 353 days of the year.

I think it takes a whole lot more than where a step-child sleeps to make them feel welcome and wanted, and if you're getting all the rest right then it doesn't matter if she doesn't have her own room.

Aitch · 17/05/2010 11:14

yes, i can see your point but tbh she isn't really getting a lot of contact with her father so that room might be more precious than you think. four visits a year is bog all, tbh.

Aitch · 17/05/2010 11:16

(i went to uni at 17 btw and my room was immediately taken over. of course, it was the practical thing to do but sleeping on a sofa bed in your own house doesn't make you feel at all welcome).

SoupDragon · 17/05/2010 11:16

It will matter that she has to share with your DS. I remember having to share with my brother when we had guests and, once I started my periods, it was mortifying.

Original poster
TooMuchCaffeine · 17/05/2010 11:21

The sadness or otherwise of the frequency of visits is not the issue here. It is the practicalities about use of space that I posted about.
The room is teeny tiny. It is big enough for DSD as a room on her own, and when she is not here we only hang the clothes airer in there when needed. So most of the time it is an unused room.
Please take my word for it, that it can only be EITHER a room for DSD OR a study - it can't be both, neither can DS's room, or our room - I am not really into all the jiggery pokery that goes with rooms having more than one use - hence my dilemna about the study vs DSD bedroom.
Obviously if we did do away with the room as a bedroom that arrangement would be impractical once they get older, by which time we would either have built the extension or moved to a bigger house - so this is another two or three years away.
FWIW I am not the box room troll either!

OP posts:
Original poster
TooMuchCaffeine · 17/05/2010 11:23

DSD has framed pics of herself in there, plus I consulted her about the colour of the room and made girly curtains, bought girly lampshade etc.

OP posts:
Aitch · 17/05/2010 11:26

no no, it is part of the issue i think because for all the time when she is not visiting she may like the idea that she could, if the mood took her, turn up and there her room would be... that might be more important to her than you know, or even than she knows tbh.

Morloth · 17/05/2010 11:31

I think if it must be one or the other then it needs to stay her room. I acknowledge it is a PITA but the possibility of her feelings being so hurt outweighs the inconvenience IMO.

Original poster
TooMuchCaffeine · 17/05/2010 11:31

Don't go there soupdragon - about the conservatory - I agree "What's the point of having a room you can't use for 4 months a year?" YES!!! What's the point indeed? Which is why we need an extension! The average temp in there in winter is 9 degrees, less if it snows. We can put the heater on in there but it takes ages to heat and all the heat just goes out of the roof. If we could use the conservatory the box room woudl not be an issue.

Thank you webuyanycardotcom. We are trying our best. We need to be able to live here comfortably too and right now it is a real pain having everything all over the place.

Another thing - DSD only sleeps in the room - most of the time she is in DS's room anyway.

OP posts:
Webuyanycardotcom · 17/05/2010 11:34

If you did do it, what is it that you're worried about? Why did you think you might be being unreasonable?

MalsFlannel · 17/05/2010 11:37

You really shouldn't do it though. I get the feeling that you're desperate for us all to say "Oh yes, YANBU, It's fine"

But it's really not. I know it's a pain, but the pain you might unwittingly cause her, is just not worth it.