To turn the box room that DSD sleeps in only four times a year back into a study

[TooMuchCaffeine]

DSD (10) lives with her mum 70 miles away. She visits us for one or two nights occasionally during school holidays and we (DH, DS (6) and me) visit her in her home town once a month to do something fun together for a day.

DH and his ex had an acrimonious split, which resulted in an estrangement lasting five years so she has only been in contact with DH since she was six, at which time she shared DS's (quite large) bedroom. DS and DSD have always got on really well.

About two years ago I thought it would be nice if DSD had her own room, and turned the box room that used to be our study, into a room she could stay in when she visits, so for nearly 2 years DSD sleeps in there on her own - but has not made it her own in any way, with pictures, toys etc. The idea was that we were going to build an extension at the back of the house,and have the study there but we are not able to do that now for at least another two or three years.

However in light of the inconvenience caused by not having a study, (the computer, filing cabinet and our paperwork are all in different rooms and the only place to write stuff is on the dining table) we are considering changing the box room back to a study and either getting a bunk bed for them in DS's room or a air bed for when DSD comes.

I did not realise how hard it would be not having a study at the time I made that decision to get rid of it. Bearing in mind as I said she is only here about four times a year for two or three nights (so 12 days out of 365), AIBU?

We could go on all day here saying "ooh no you can't possibly she'll be really rejected" or "go for it, she really won't care". The only way you're really going to know is by talking to her and guaging how she feels.

It just seems bonkers to me, when you're clearly struggling for space, to have a room put aside for use 12 days a year. Lots of children have to share rooms, lots of children have new siblings come along and the sleeping arrangements change.

If she is struggling with her parents being separated and her dad having a new son - and she may not be in any huge way - then that needs to be dealt with. And that can be done in all sorts of ways - having her own room may be something that will help, but there are all sorts of other things that could too. It doesn't all hang on whether she has her own room or not IMO.

I thought there was some kind of legal limit on the age opposite sex siblings can share bedrooms or have I totally made that up?

Could you put bunk beds in ds' room without changing hers (as you say she always want to be in there anyway and he really wants them) then when she comes just see if she naturally gravitates towards sleeping there (in which case you could approach her asking if she would like her chest of drawers moved to that room) or if she stays in her room in which case irritating as it maybe you just have to put up with the lack of space when she isn't there as the flipside to her being happy when she is

I'd say the futon chair/bed that folds into a corner (someone else mantioned this) plus the pc on a table with wheels (so it can be shifted into the other room for the few days she visits) and another folding table for your files to be left out on - and then the room CAN be a study and a bedroom.
If you have some nice bedding that is obviously chosen for DSD, tell her futons are really trendy beds and make a fuss that you are borrowing her room while she is not there then I can see it working.

It would be a shame to alienate her when there can be a work-around. Good luck.

*mentioned [shonky typing]

Yes it seems to me that there are enough other places for the computer & stuff to be moved to for the few days that the girl is there.

What about a single futon/chair thing from Ikea in the small room for her? With desk etc for you?

Or DS into small room, she/the study/playroom in DS's current room?

Or study into DS's room, DSD keeps little room?

We have same set up as you r.e. conservatory, it is used as our study too. (We're both retraining so A LOT of hoemwork!) It is blumming cold in winter. We just have a convection heater that we sit next to us at the dining table and it turns on when temp drops. Amazingly quick to heat us up, only cost £20 from Currys I think.

The fact that your dsd only stays a few times a year - and as such has such little contact with her father - makes it even more important that she has a permanent base at yours imo.

YABU.

It's a PITA but you're going to have to get creative with your workspace.

To be fair on the OP, our neighbours have a conservatory that they can't use for four months a year - and that is a properly built wooden one. They shut it up in November and only re-open it in March - with the exception of Christmas when they heat it up espcially.

The people they bought it from used to use it all year round but our new neghbours were horrified at the standing order that the power company expected to heat the house, based on historical useage. By shutting it up, they have saved over £1,000 a year over what their predecessors used.

As far as the concern that withorwithoutyou raises, there is no legal issue with opposite-sex siblings sharing. That really would be "Big Brother"ish. I think waht she has confsued is that if you are in council housing, then they will provide separate rooms.

FWIW, to the OP I would suggest that the have a sensitive, no-pressure chat with your DSD. You are the one who knows her. If it really is likely that the extension will be built within 2 years, she might be happy or even prefer to share with her brother for the next couple of years. It might actaully make her feel more part of the family - but only you - and she - can judge that.

DH came home for lunch, we are going to look at the conservatory with more of a critical eye now. It takes up one quarter of our downstairs space and given that we need the space is it a waste at the moment.

It was always the papers (and there are many because of this accreditation thing) but I like the idea of having a table in the conservatory that we can leave our stuff on (and DS can use - getting rid of the kiddy tables that are in there now) and using a laptop during the more nippy months.
As I said I don't like the idea of a dual purpose room and all the faff that goes with moving things around - would just rather have a room for a purpose. We went to a lot of effort to get DSD's room looking how it does, and it is a lovely little room so why change it? So DSD gets to keep her room (yay!) and we are just going to have to use our imagination

BTW, my parents have a massive conservatory and had similar problems. Very hot in summer, freezing in winter etc. My dad built some reall lovely wood panelling into the roof which as made the world of difference, they use it all eyar round now.

I think the other thing always to be considered in situations like these is the other children in the household, who need to feel equally important. I'd be very careful when considering things like "oh just move yours ds into the small room" that he isn't made to feel like everything is done to make sure his sister isn't feeling rejected, while actually feeling rejected himself.

I'm pleased for you - it sounds like you are going to find a way round this though.

I think yabu.
Being a step kid is hard, having half siblings, bloody hard. Feeling unwanted? Lasts your entire life.

tsk - posted from page 4 LOL

great decision imo. and if you can't make it work i do think the single futon is a good workaround too.

I know this is probably not what the OP wants to hear but I clearly remember being taken with my brother to see the new 4 bedroom house that my Dad and StepMum were buying and being told that 'There is no point in you two having rooms of your own as you won't be here that much'

I was 14 at the time and my relationship with them deteriorated pretty quickly from that time on.

Good that is horrible BuckBuck Oh dear! Yes it is things like that that stay with you isn't it. My feelings about it are that I grew up in a large family, and always wanted my own room and hated sharing with my assorted siblings and being moved around the house when new ones left or arrived!

It would not have been fair to move DS out of his room, which we took a lot of time to decorate how he likes it (individually cutting out silver stars and stick on his "space" wall no less

there is a big age gap between my dd and my ex's ds - they share a room with little problem, so I wouldn't worry on that score

I'm glad you've found a solution and hope it works for you all.

The conservatory idea is a good one I think. Hopefully something can be done to make it warmer, it seems a shame to have such a large space unused.

Laptops are a brilliant thing. I work from home and use one. We have no study and it means I can work in the warmest room without any hassle. Again, a wireless printer for the conservatory would be a good idea, so you can sit in the kitchen on the laptop and print out on your desk in the conservatory on days when its too cold for you to sit at your desk.