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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not be willing to leave behind my newborn for my friends 'no children' wedding.

432 replies

alannabanana · 15/05/2010 23:41

so this wedding is taking place in august by which time i will have a roughly 8wk old newborn. i already have a 17 month DS for whom childcare has been arranged, but i have always said that leaving the newbie will not be feasible as i will be breastfeeding (boobies willing!), and to be honest the venue is a bit of a drive and i would not be able to enjoy myself knowing i had left such a young dependent baby with someone else. (i should say at this juncture that the very kind friend in question who would be taking care of DS and the new baby has v little experience of babies but great with toddlers, and ordinarily i would only trust my mum with the baby but she, and indeed my ENTIRE family, will be on holiday at the time of the wedding.)
i stipulated all this months ago to our supposedly close friends - the bride and groom - especially the part about my family being away and DH's family not being an option because they live nowhere near us, and they seemed ok with us having to bring the newbie, but have just received a phone call tonight saying that actually no children means NO children, even tiny babies. now, DH is actually more upset about this than me as the groom is one of his oldest and closest friends - i am of the opinion that if they don't get that you can't just leave an 8wk old baby willy nilly then theres nothing i can do to convince them - but poor DH is actually quite hurt that his mate has effectively withdrawn our invitation to his wedding, and i think he's well within his rights to be hurt, and a bit cross. is this unreasonable you think? im hoping that this doesnt spell the end of our friendship with them but it is disappointing.

OP posts:
LadyBiscuit · 16/05/2010 23:27

Who said anything about children being around in the evening? I don't think many of us would want that. It's just about having the choice. And I can out-hedonist the lot of you I promise you so that's a lame argument.

The arguments that seem to be coming out right now is 'we wanted people that we know but we've never met their kids'. which is a bit odd to me. I wouldn't invite people to my wedding unless I knew their kids. Is that about social/career climbing? I can't think of any other reason you would have people at your wedding whose children you'd never met.

And 'strangers kids' minx? You had strangers at your wedding?? Now that is peculiar. Ahh well we're all different and I'm very glad I don't know you IRL. You were scaring me for a bit there but the other control freak I know who saves children's lives is a paediatrician rather than a nurse so phew. Perhaps it goes with the job?

Anyway I've said my piece enough times on this subject and it's bedtime for me. Night

MadamDeathstare · 16/05/2010 23:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedRedWine1980 · 16/05/2010 23:31

Oh nice- resorting to insults to back yourself up Ladybiscuit? Well yes of course I see your point now

blueshoes · 16/05/2010 23:32

It is waste of time to engage with someone who can at the drop of hat suddenly say it is not me, it is my DH, naughty nuddy DH. How cute, silly him.

No conviction. No credibility. Both hiding behind the other.

LetThereBeRock · 16/05/2010 23:35

Control freak? Is there really any need to resort to such insults?

BritFish · 16/05/2010 23:36

ahh LadyBiscuit did make a valid point. except that i do have friends [now] and i have never met their children. i know them from work or various places, and we've never had our children meet simply because our kids have been different ages, or just been out, or the kids didnt want to be dragged along to boring old mums gossipy catchup!

and people you dont know or like at your wedding is strange IMO. but if thats how you like it thats up to you!

control freak is low.

can we refer back to this thread [especially Trellism's dictionary bit, that was genius, if wrong] whenever the issue comes up again?

blueshoes · 16/05/2010 23:36

Strange chip on your shoulder you got there about people who work with ill children, ladybiscuit. You sound a bit barmy tbh.

trellism · 16/05/2010 23:38

Oh, no, I'm not hiding. I agree with him.

I'm not taking it personally that you don't find the idea of my DH with no clothes on to be particularly appealing.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 16/05/2010 23:42

Wow- what a bunfight! I think I agree with RRW and BritFish- I had children at my wedding, but I accept other people's right not to want my children at their wedding (especially if they have met my children!)

chipmonkey · 16/05/2010 23:48

trellism's dh, how very immodest!

My cousin and his dw had a no-kids wedding as it would have meant that there were 300 people at their wedding so successful were they at reproducing! But they actually apologised to us when they found out that ds1 had been left behind on his birthday which coincided with the wedding ( we had a party for him another day)

However, AFAIK, they did make an exception for her dsis who had a 2 week old and who looked REALLY slim on the day.

SolidBrassGold, breeder-culture?[ What's that then? Sounds like the human race to me!

Joolyjoolyjoo · 16/05/2010 23:58

And just to lighten the tone, further up the thread NorthernLurker said:

I'm just waiting for the post from a mumsnetter who's told not to bring her bump to a wedding - it will get in the way, be a distraction, cause her to make a noise through the ceremony and isn't appropriate at an adults only party. Surely she can leave it with someone...

I was disinvited to my oldest friend's wedding because of my bump . Actually, to be fair, she was mighty pissed off that I got pregnant and my due date turned out to be the day before her wedding- whoops! In the run-up, she called me and told me that, as there was a good chance we wouldn't make it, could she just assume we wouldn't be there and take us off the list. I have to admit I was a wee bit hurt, but as it turned out I had dd1 bang on my due date, and didn't even manage to get to the church, as I had planned.

We are still friends

BritFish · 17/05/2010 00:03

joolyjoolyjoo, you did make me giggle. she was pissed off you got pregnant... she should have been delighted, everyone wants a wedding to remember, you could have GIVEN BIRTH at her wedding. might have stolen her thunder a bit, but would make for some interesting wedding photos

Joolyjoolyjoo · 17/05/2010 00:10

BritFish- I think that was her worry, tbh! I kind of understood why she was a bit put out- she was my chief bridesmaid, organised my hen night, came wedding shopping with me and made a speech on the day.

I, on the other hand, was told I wasn't being a bridesmaid "as you'll probably get pregnant or something. And your hair will clash with my colour scheme" (twas true, and tbf she had a sister and SIL to perform the roles!) but then I DID get pregnant (I'm sure she thinks I timed it to spite her!) and didn't even go to her hen night as I was huge, ill and miserable (again, think she thought I was being a Bump-zilla!). Can kind of see why I was disinvited...

Happily it is water under the bridge now

RedRedWine1980 · 17/05/2010 00:10

My friend was overdue when she came to my wedding- I was hoping her having a boogie would have started her off, one of the other guests was a midwife so it would have been ideal lol

pinkfizzle · 17/05/2010 00:10

Britfish

first of all, i had kids at my wedding.
i know, its a shocker. and i only invited people i knew and loved.

So Britfish can I just clarify do any of the people you know and love have kids and if so have you failed to get to know their kids or did you just not love them??

zazen · 17/05/2010 00:20

Go and bring your newborn! your Dh should be there to support his friend -it's an important day for him too.

If Bridzilla objects you can hex her with infertility..

seriously, if bride objects and bars you entry, have a back up plan in place and go and have a wonderful night away - just you your DH and babe, and enjoy yourselves..

zazen · 17/05/2010 00:23

I think newborns don't count as children actually - OK they can be a bit noisy, but they're very portable and they don't incur a catering charge for the bride and groom - unless you have to pay corkage for breastmilk!

thumbwitch · 17/05/2010 00:26

blimey, what a kick-off!

I think I must be living in a parallel universe whenever I venture onto these threads - all these people who have such different attitudes to the "ownership" of weddings!

I must be an oddity - all the friends I have (a fair number and from all sorts of different backgrounds) have similar feelings re. weddings - some had children, some didn't, all wanted their guests to have a good time but couldn't always accommodate large numbers of DC. None of them were "bridezillas" under any definition that I understand - but a lot of you on this thread would have been up in arms about going to all their weddings, should you have known them and been invited!

My circle of friends really seems to go against the MN wedding attitude - several child-free ones; most with evening-only invitations as well as all-day ones; ALL with gift lists and some with if-any-gifts-then-money-only-please requests - and I haven't been offended by ANY of them. Not because I am not easily offended (I am) but because it is NORMAL to have these things among everyone I know.

I am actually glad I don't know some of you - your sense of entitlement as a wedding guest is quite scary. I'm quite sure the feeling is mutual however, so no need to get snippy about it.

BritFish · 17/05/2010 00:28

yes, the people i know and love have kids. at the time, when i got married, i had met all the kids, just because i had. there werent a huge amount there to be honest, maybe 8 in all?
and as i have answered, nowadays there are people i know and love whos kids i havnt met. mostly because their children are grown up, one because she never brings her kids to when we meet up [mostly evenings that her DH will be with them] and one because her and her ex partners custody is quite erratic because of his job, so she fits her social life in when she doesnt have the kids.

the friends who's children i havnt met, are you suggesting i cant care for these people because i havnt met their children?

nappyaddict · 17/05/2010 04:26

Anyone that did have a child free wedding did you "ban" babies under 12 months or breastfeeding ones too? Not having a go - just curious cos I don't think I've seen anyone admit it on here just yet but can totally understand why people want child free weddings.

I went to a birthday party when DS was 2 weeks old. I left him with my mum and some EBM and was back the next morning but about 10am I think. I did miss him when I saw another baby there but still had a really good time.

TheBossofMe · 17/05/2010 05:22

I had a child-free wedding for no other reason that we were space limited to 80 guests. So inviting the numerous children of friends/family (I think it was over 20 kids) would have meant no room for some friends, or some family.

Plus the venue wanted to charge over 90 quid a head for any guests. Including children. Venue also superbly child-unfriendly - lots of open water, winding staircases etc.

No-one, and I mean no-one, had a problem with this. We simply accepted that it meant that some friends may not be able to come at all, or would need to tag-team (three sets of friends did this). Wasn't a problem at all - and in my circles, childfree weddings are the norm, so we've all had to miss weddings/go alone at some point.

MintHumbug · 17/05/2010 08:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

countrybump · 17/05/2010 08:40

I've been to a lot of 'child-free' weddings where there have been babies in pushchairs/carseats present. I would think this is the norm! Most people are happy to leave their children at home with a good babysitter to attend a wedding, but not their tiny babies, and in my experience most bride and grooms don't request tiny babies to be left behind!

Also, those weddings I've been to that have been child free but have had a few small babies there - you wouldn't have even known they were there, certainly no big disruption to the proceedings!

OP, if I were you, I just wouldn't go and not give it a second thought!

Builde · 17/05/2010 08:51

Me too! I've been to 'child-free' wedding where there have been children!

You can't leave an 8 week old if you're breastfeeding and please ignore all pressure to do so. (Your friends probably have never realised that BF babies don't just take bottles at a whim, and that you might not want to feed your baby in any other way).

We went to a lot of weddings with our new born; she just slept through each one!

However, don't make too much of an effort to go. We made a lot of effort to go to wedding of our friends (who didn't have children as soon as us). As soon as they started reproducing they suddenly discovered that they found it difficult to go the same events that we had struggled through. (Thinks of hen weekends which I was encouraged to give up breastfeeding to go on!)

It's great now; I'm the only one of my contempories getting any sleep as they've got the babies and I've got the children.

troublewithtalk · 17/05/2010 09:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.